Page 5 | To say no to DSDs mum

RoarRoarBoom · 2023-08-27T19:03:43+00:00

I am taking my kids to Disneyland Paris next year with my mum. My mum is paying for half the trip and I’m paying the other half. My partner is not coming and isn’t paying towards it. It’s just a trip with my mum and kids. He is all the kids father. We dropped DSD back home today and she’s told her mum that I’m taking my kids to Disneyland and she’s sent my partner a Whats app asking if I would consider taking DSD on the trip too. If I say no then she is going to kick off but I don’t want to take her. This is a trip with my mum and her grandkids. AIBU to say not consider this at all

MeetMyCat · 27/08/2023 21:05

Hibiscrubbed · 27/08/2023 21:00

So she wants her ex-partner’s new wife, and her ex-partner’s new wife’s mother to not only take her daughter to Disneyland Paris, but to pay for her as well?

😂😂😂

Yeah, no. Insanity.

It sounds even more of a mad suggestion when you put it like that!

Iamclearlyamug · 27/08/2023 21:05

YeahIsaidit · 27/08/2023 20:44

Saying that granny paid for the trip is lying, OP has paid towards it too. It also doesn't say anywhere that it was organised by granny, just that she wanted to experience Disney too. To me that sounds like OP invited granny along not the other way round. Either way, telling ex that granny paid and therefore can't invite someone else along, is lies

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Yes OP has paid towards it, but OP is not one of DSDs parents - so why should she pay for her to go on this holiday?

There is a (small IMO) argument for including the DSD in the holiday, but the costs should absolutely be covered in full by the actual parents, not the OP.

For the posters saying it's unfair, well life isn't fair. My DDs friend went on a 3 week all inclusive holiday to some fancy resort this summer, I can't afford that kind of holiday so DD didn't get to go. Is that unfair too? 🤷‍♀️

notlucreziaborgia · 27/08/2023 21:06

NotAMug · 27/08/2023 21:03

I just can't see this. Maybe I'm just lucky with the step families I am involved with.

Not everyone is the same, I get that, so maybe OP just needs to be honest about it to the SCs mum.

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It’s really not that difficult to see. The stepdaughter sees her sister go on holiday to Disney and gets sad because she’s not going. Exactly the same can be applied to OP’s daughter when she sees her sister get opportunities she doesn’t. If it’s all about the feelings of the kids, and adults have to suck it up and fall in line regardless of what they may want, why is the potential sadness of OP’s kid of lesser concern than the potential sadness of the stepdaughter?

Bichonmum · 27/08/2023 21:06

I would take my DSD but she is treated the same as my own DD, by myself and all my family.

She is older now, but is still treated the same even though I am no longer married to her DF.

Original poster

RoarRoarBoom · 27/08/2023 21:07

ConnieTucker · 27/08/2023 20:40

Or her dad.

where is her dad taking her on holiday next year if you are taking your kids to disney?

where did her dad take her this year?

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OUR kids…. They are our kids. Not mine.

WE have taken her to Devon this year and we are taking her to Cornwall next month too.

OP posts:

backoffbuster · 27/08/2023 21:07

I think you are being unreasonable not to even consider this at all. All the step kids that I know would be upset if their (half) siblings were going away to Disney and they weren’t invited! It’s probably unreasonable for her mum to ask you to take her, but it’s surely no surprise that she wants to go? She may only be your step kid, but from her point of view your kids are her siblings, and she feels left out. And I guess you’ve made it clear that even after 10 + years, she’s not really part of your family.

LimeCheesecake · 27/08/2023 21:07

I carefully worded my initial message suggestion to not state that granny was paying, but that it is her trip. Because it is, she wants to go with the grandkids. Who pays what doesn’t matter.

DisquietintheRanks · 27/08/2023 21:08

MeetMyCat · 27/08/2023 20:34

So if Grandma wants to take her daughter and grand daughters on holiday, she must also include her daughter’s partner’s child? What if she doesn’t know the child, or would prefer just to invite immediate family?

Her daughter's partner's child? You mean her granddaughters sister.

OnlyFannys · 27/08/2023 21:08

Would you consider taking her if she offered to pay? Or do you just want it to be family? If you aren't too bothered other than not wanting to pay extra you could say you will take her if she is willing to pay for her place

RugglesB · 27/08/2023 21:10

If all the kids are over 10 then DSD has been in your life and a part of your family for 10 years. I'm a stepmother and I wouldn't take our two to Disney without taking the older two. But it matters to me that they feel like a sibling set. Disney is one of those places that will stick in their minds and is a big trip. I wouldn't leave just one out.

Kpo58 · 27/08/2023 21:10

I would take her. It seems odd that you have been in her life for over 10 years and yet you still don't see her as family. Are you the sort of family where the grandparents only buy for blood relations?

TastesLikeStrawberriesOnASummerEvening · 27/08/2023 21:10

Faz469 · 27/08/2023 20:06

Can you afford it? I wouldn't exclude my ss from something like that. But I also wouldn't go without my partner either.

Well you're a wet lettuce.
Why wouldn't you go without your partner?

BungleandGeorge · 27/08/2023 21:11

When you referred to them as ‘your’ kids I presumed they were not your partners and I think that would be absolutely fine taking just them. But you’re a family unit and they’re her siblings? Yes that is quite mean to take all the siblings bar one. Your mum isn’t paying the full cost your family is paying half. Two parents getting together with separate kids is a different situation than one person with a child partnering and having more children. There has to be more acceptance and integration in the second situation because the children are siblings

FloweryWowery · 27/08/2023 21:12

Stand your ground. Let DP deal with her 'kicking off'.

HakunaMatiłda · 27/08/2023 21:12

Unfortunately Devon and Cornwall aren’t on the same level as Disneyland.

Fallingthroughclouds · 27/08/2023 21:12

Trenchfootinthescottishhighlandstoday · 27/08/2023 20:13

Yanbu to take another dc. If she had an accident you have no PR to deal with that. Presumably she doesn't allow you to parent her dd at other times? How very convenient she would for a holiday...

Why are you presuming she doesn't allow her to parent at other times? Seems a bit strange to make that leap.

OP YANBU.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/08/2023 21:13

I haven’t been so can someone explain if it’s just the fact that it’s Disney that’s sent everyone mad? If OP and her mum were taking the kids to Blackpool would there be the same insistence DSD must be included?

If OP was taking the kids to Disney Paris and DSD’s mum was taking DSD to the Florida one would she also have to go to Paris or would it be okay as she was getting something better than her dad’s other kids?

YoSof · 27/08/2023 21:13

Would you have taken her if your dad, and therefore your husband was going?

Because it sounds like your dad and your husband were asked to go, but didn’t fancy it. The only person who hasn’t been asked is your SD and if the men had decided they fancied going she’d still not have been included is that right?

Original poster

RoarRoarBoom · 27/08/2023 21:14

my82my · 27/08/2023 20:59

Just to add I think it's fine to go on holiday with your mum and your own children. BUT tell your children to stop talking about it in front of her, it's cruel. Especially if you can provide a nicer lifestyle then your step daughters mum can.
As your step daughter is now aware and upset enough to bring it up with her mum I'd explain to her that your children's granny paid (a lie but to soften the blow) and you'll be sure to bring her back lots of treats and that next year you can all go away together as a family.
Her dad should be doing something separately with her while your all away. What does he think about all of this?

DSD was talking about her holiday to Greece next year with her mum in front of my kids. I don’t think it’s fair to tell my kids that they can’t talk about their holidays but DSD can.

He’s fine for me to go on holiday with our kids and he thinks dsd mum is being cheeky even asking.

OP posts:

Runningonjammiedodgers · 27/08/2023 21:15

I don't think DSD mum was being cheeky. Her DD probably came home very upset that she wasn't going to DLP so her mum decided to ask in case there could be a simple fix such as her DD's SM of 12 plus years taking her a long too. Are you sure she wouldn't pay? Have you asked her if she would? She could have pulled a 'poor DD your SM is such a wicked woman!' Or she could have got DD to ask directly, or sent an abusive message, or asked in person in front of DD and put you on the spot. A quick message to see if DD could be included is actually not that cheeky if she is dealing with a very upset child who can't understand why she has been left out.

FasciaDreams · 27/08/2023 21:15

RoarRoarBoom · 27/08/2023 21:14

DSD was talking about her holiday to Greece next year with her mum in front of my kids. I don’t think it’s fair to tell my kids that they can’t talk about their holidays but DSD can.

He’s fine for me to go on holiday with our kids and he thinks dsd mum is being cheeky even asking.

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See, I knew it!
Pure cheek OP. If Disneyland is that important she can take her there instead of Greece.

So what is your issue now? Everyone is on board with it. Tell DSD mum to back off. End of story.

NotAMug · 27/08/2023 21:16

notlucreziaborgia · 27/08/2023 21:06

It’s really not that difficult to see. The stepdaughter sees her sister go on holiday to Disney and gets sad because she’s not going. Exactly the same can be applied to OP’s daughter when she sees her sister get opportunities she doesn’t. If it’s all about the feelings of the kids, and adults have to suck it up and fall in line regardless of what they may want, why is the potential sadness of OP’s kid of lesser concern than the potential sadness of the stepdaughter?

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I've never said it's all about the feelings of the kids. Who would send their kids on holiday with someone they may have never met other than in passing (SCs mum potentially)

The SC should be (IMO) part of the family and treated as such. The OPs DC has nothing to do with the SCs mum but the OP has decided to become part of her DPs family so is now a step mum. You don't have to agree with me, I'm totally comfortable with my views on this.

Trenchfootinthescottishhighlandstoday · 27/08/2023 21:17

So dsd gets 3 adults treating her to holidays and op's dc get 2? Utter madness.

Tandora · 27/08/2023 21:18

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/08/2023 20:23

She’s being ridiculous OP, just say no. Her dad isn’t even going, contact time is for her to spend with him. Lucky them getting some quality time together while you’re away.

Why do step childrens familial relationships have to be reduced to “contact time” 😡😡😡. Do you consider yourself to be having “contact time” when you hang out with your kids?

Ontheperiphery79 · 27/08/2023 21:20

I think DSD's DM is being a CF for asking and not even mentioning paying for DSD.

Would I invite DSD? I probably would have included her to begin with for a trip like that (as long as DSD's DM paid for her), but it's easy to say that when I'm no longer a SM (my ex husband had 4 children with his first wife).