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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to DSDs mum

946 replies

RoarRoarBoom · 27/08/2023 20:03

I am taking my kids to Disneyland Paris next year with my mum. My mum is paying for half the trip and I’m paying the other half.

My partner is not coming and isn’t paying towards it. It’s just a trip with my mum and kids. He is all the kids father.

We dropped DSD back home today and she’s told her mum that I’m taking my kids to Disneyland and she’s sent my partner a Whats app asking if I would consider taking DSD on the trip too.

If I say no then she is going to kick off but I don’t want to take her. This is a trip with my mum and her grandkids.

AIBU to say not consider this at all

OP posts:
Beetlebuggy · 27/08/2023 21:20

So the SC's Mum will be expected to include her exes kids with his new partner in every family holidays she goes on? If not why not? It's no different.

You can't make things completely equal between stepchildren and their half siblings. It's life. There will be other things that the SC will get that the other kids don't get.

Original poster
RoarRoarBoom · 27/08/2023 21:20

Kpo58 · 27/08/2023 21:10

I would take her. It seems odd that you have been in her life for over 10 years and yet you still don't see her as family. Are you the sort of family where the grandparents only buy for blood relations?

No. My parents buy her a gift for Xmas and her birthday. Not to the same value as my kids but she still gets a present.

But no my mum is not close to dsd. She’s kind to her when she sees her but beyond that there is no real bond as they only see her maybe once every other month for an hour or two.

OP posts:
AnIndianWoman · 27/08/2023 21:21

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

notlucreziaborgia · 27/08/2023 21:22

NotAMug · 27/08/2023 21:16

I've never said it's all about the feelings of the kids. Who would send their kids on holiday with someone they may have never met other than in passing (SCs mum potentially)

The SC should be (IMO) part of the family and treated as such. The OPs DC has nothing to do with the SCs mum but the OP has decided to become part of her DPs family so is now a step mum. You don't have to agree with me, I'm totally comfortable with my views on this.

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yet that seems to be the narrative that gets pushed.

Why would they strangers? That’s her daughter’s sister. And even if OP isn’t comfortable with her dd going she should still offer.

She is part of the family - she’s OP’s stepdaughter. That’s a distinct relationship in its own right, and isn’t going to the same as the one OP has with her actual daughter. ‘Family’ also doesn’t mean someone has to be invited to event occasion, and generally that isn’t the expectation anyway. OP probably has many family members that aren’t her mother and daughter, and none of them have been invited either.

FasciaDreams · 27/08/2023 21:22

NotAMug · 27/08/2023 21:16

I've never said it's all about the feelings of the kids. Who would send their kids on holiday with someone they may have never met other than in passing (SCs mum potentially)

The SC should be (IMO) part of the family and treated as such. The OPs DC has nothing to do with the SCs mum but the OP has decided to become part of her DPs family so is now a step mum. You don't have to agree with me, I'm totally comfortable with my views on this.

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The issue here though isn't just 'family'. It's about equality.
All siblings in a family should be treated equally but, depending on the situation it can be impossible for a step-child to be.
Not just 'negatively', but 'positively'.

For example people always assume that the step-kid suffers from having a 'broken home' and that the other parent is single. But I know many families where the step-child has more than the 'non-step' siblings because they have one richer parent. A lot more, in fact. As OP has said, people are telling her child to not '[discuss their holidays' but the DSD has her own holidays. Why assume the DSD goes without?

If it's fine for the step-child to have things the non-steps don't have it should be fine the other way around too.

ohpoowhatnow · 27/08/2023 21:22

No ! You're allowed to take your own kids on holiday with your own mum without having to deal with someone else's ! I would be saying no too.

Peskytooth · 27/08/2023 21:23

I think it’s awful that your mum doesn’t treat your DSD as one of her grandchildren and you take her to cheap UK holidays but exclude her from Disneyland. For her to not be fully part of your family is really damaging for her. Imagine how you would feel.

Parques · 27/08/2023 21:23

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/08/2023 20:51

Why are people saying the DP should pay his daughter’s share if she goes but not towards his other kids?

I was thinking exactly the same!

Hibiscrubbed · 27/08/2023 21:24

Peskytooth · 27/08/2023 21:23

I think it’s awful that your mum doesn’t treat your DSD as one of her grandchildren and you take her to cheap UK holidays but exclude her from Disneyland. For her to not be fully part of your family is really damaging for her. Imagine how you would feel.

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

It’s official. The Mumsnet band of mothers-of-kids-whose-dads-have-new-partners have gone totally mad.

MarathonBarbie · 27/08/2023 21:24

In the stepfamilies I’m close to the expectation would be that the stepdaughter would go too. With grandparents having the same type of relationship with all children of the family regardless of their ‘origin’. I
do find it odd that this isn’t the case in all blended families as to my mind that’s what you ‘sign up for’ when making that commitment to ‘blend’ but see often on MN that it really isn’t.

Beetlebuggy · 27/08/2023 21:25

Have just seen that the SC is going to Greece with her Mum. Is she taking your kids too, it seems only fair if she is expecting you to take her child to Disneyland.

FasciaDreams · 27/08/2023 21:25

Peskytooth · 27/08/2023 21:23

I think it’s awful that your mum doesn’t treat your DSD as one of her grandchildren and you take her to cheap UK holidays but exclude her from Disneyland. For her to not be fully part of your family is really damaging for her. Imagine how you would feel.

Cheap? CHEAP? Have you seen the cost of a UK holiday recently?
Also DSD gets to go away to places like Greece. Wonder how often OP's kids get that.

Would you still be screaming unfair if DSD got to go away every year and this was one of OP's kids few chances?

Tandora · 27/08/2023 21:26

FasciaDreams · 27/08/2023 20:33

MN is very selective.
When it comes to disciplining, asserting authority etc a step-parent should always keep quiet, 'you're not their parent' etc etc. It is 'confusing' for them to have instructions and discipline from a step-parent.
BUT when it comes to nice things everyone should be included.

Of course the two things might not be related but that's what I see on here.

Step-parent keeps out completely or is in completely. Can't pick and choose when it suits.

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I find it extraordinary that there are so many step parents on this thread who apparently fail to understand that these things are not about “tit for tat”.

NotAMug · 27/08/2023 21:26

FasciaDreams · 27/08/2023 21:22

The issue here though isn't just 'family'. It's about equality.
All siblings in a family should be treated equally but, depending on the situation it can be impossible for a step-child to be.
Not just 'negatively', but 'positively'.

For example people always assume that the step-kid suffers from having a 'broken home' and that the other parent is single. But I know many families where the step-child has more than the 'non-step' siblings because they have one richer parent. A lot more, in fact. As OP has said, people are telling her child to not '[discuss their holidays' but the DSD has her own holidays. Why assume the DSD goes without?

If it's fine for the step-child to have things the non-steps don't have it should be fine the other way around too.

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I agree, my issue is more the fact that in an ideal situation the OP would want to invite the SC as they are close, and perhaps the SC mum would want to invite her DCs siblings. I absolutely know of a family who does just that. They are all really close and it works well.

The OP should just be honest about it, either she is happy to take her is the mum pays, or it is just a trip for grandma, her and her DD. It doesn't need to be a drama, if they are not all that close then it shouldn't be an issue at all.

CornishGem1975 · 27/08/2023 21:26

It’s official. The Mumsnet band of mothers-of-kids-whose-dads-have-new-partners have gone totally mad.

@Hibiscrubbed Quite.

I have SC but my own DC also have a step-mum 😯 so I am on both sides of this. Hell would freeze over before I took my SC away without their dad, and neither would I expect my DC's step-mum to take my children away. Mumsnet is a bonkers place.

Meanwhile, in the real world...

WillowCraft · 27/08/2023 21:26

Trenchfootinthescottishhighlandstoday · 27/08/2023 20:43

Turn the tables. If dsd was going away with her dm and her dgm would op be expected to deal with it and help her dd deal with it? Of course she would .. It's part of split families ime. I took my younger dc away even when ex refused our joint dc to go. It's shit but that's what happens sometimes post divorce. Dsd will also have to deal with it.

Not the same, as op's children are not the ex's stepchildren, they are nothing to do with her.
OP has been this child's stepmother for over ten years and is the half sister of OP's children. It's pretty shabby to leave her out unless there's some backstory about the children not getting on.
It would be different if the stepdaughter was only recently added to the family and didn't know the Grandma, perhaps.
The child's father or mother should pay though

ConnieTucker · 27/08/2023 21:26

RoarRoarBoom · 27/08/2023 21:07

OUR kids…. They are our kids. Not mine.

WE have taken her to Devon this year and we are taking her to Cornwall next month too.

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Thats a really odd correction. How did you expect me to phrase that?

You are taking your kids to Disney next year. Where is her dad taking her next year?

not sure why you said where you are all going this year as that is not the same.

Original poster
RoarRoarBoom · 27/08/2023 21:27

Peskytooth · 27/08/2023 21:23

I think it’s awful that your mum doesn’t treat your DSD as one of her grandchildren and you take her to cheap UK holidays but exclude her from Disneyland. For her to not be fully part of your family is really damaging for her. Imagine how you would feel.

Have you been on holiday in the UK recently? I wouldn’t exactly call it cheap …..

OP posts:
Tandora · 27/08/2023 21:27

Beetlebuggy · 27/08/2023 21:20

So the SC's Mum will be expected to include her exes kids with his new partner in every family holidays she goes on? If not why not? It's no different.

You can't make things completely equal between stepchildren and their half siblings. It's life. There will be other things that the SC will get that the other kids don't get.

So the SC's Mum will be expected to include her exes kids with his new partner in every family holidays she goes on? If not why not? It's no different

it’s completely different 🙄

Original poster
RoarRoarBoom · 27/08/2023 21:27

ConnieTucker · 27/08/2023 21:26

Thats a really odd correction. How did you expect me to phrase that?

You are taking your kids to Disney next year. Where is her dad taking her next year?

not sure why you said where you are all going this year as that is not the same.

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You asked where her dad took her this year……

Next years family holidays haven’t been planned yet.

OP posts:
Beetlebuggy · 27/08/2023 21:28

Peskytooth · 27/08/2023 21:23

I think it’s awful that your mum doesn’t treat your DSD as one of her grandchildren and you take her to cheap UK holidays but exclude her from Disneyland. For her to not be fully part of your family is really damaging for her. Imagine how you would feel.

Newsflash - She isn't her grandchild. The SC will have grandparents of her own.

If the SC was permanently living with her Dad and new partner then obviously she should be treated the same. But as she usnt, she has a different home, different relatives, a different mum.

FasciaDreams · 27/08/2023 21:28

Tandora · 27/08/2023 21:26

I find it extraordinary that there are so many step parents on this thread who apparently fail to understand that these things are not about “tit for tat”.

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I find it even more extraordinary that people assign parental responsibility to others only when it suits them... and 'equality', also only when it suits them

Guavafish1 · 27/08/2023 21:29

if mum pays .... I'd take her, as these are her siblings

if there no payment... then I would take her

NotAMug · 27/08/2023 21:29

RoarRoarBoom · 27/08/2023 21:27

Have you been on holiday in the UK recently? I wouldn’t exactly call it cheap …..

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I'm 44 and I'd even be gutted now if my parents took me to Cornwall but took my step brother to Disney 😂

FasciaDreams · 27/08/2023 21:30

How often does DSD get to go on holiday OP? And is it normally abroad...?