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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to DSDs mum

946 replies

RoarRoarBoom · 27/08/2023 20:03

I am taking my kids to Disneyland Paris next year with my mum. My mum is paying for half the trip and I’m paying the other half.

My partner is not coming and isn’t paying towards it. It’s just a trip with my mum and kids. He is all the kids father.

We dropped DSD back home today and she’s told her mum that I’m taking my kids to Disneyland and she’s sent my partner a Whats app asking if I would consider taking DSD on the trip too.

If I say no then she is going to kick off but I don’t want to take her. This is a trip with my mum and her grandkids.

AIBU to say not consider this at all

OP posts:
DreamTheMoors · 27/08/2023 20:35

FasciaDreams · 27/08/2023 20:34

But nobody is being that. There are all sorts of reasons why they wouldn't take the child.
Saying you'd 100% do a thing and calling other people rude or unkind really isn't engaging. But you do you.

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Lol

ZekeZeke · 27/08/2023 20:35

Your partner needs to reply to his ex, not you.

NotAMug · 27/08/2023 20:36

FasciaDreams · 27/08/2023 20:33

MN is very selective.
When it comes to disciplining, asserting authority etc a step-parent should always keep quiet, 'you're not their parent' etc etc. It is 'confusing' for them to have instructions and discipline from a step-parent.
BUT when it comes to nice things everyone should be included.

Of course the two things might not be related but that's what I see on here.

Step-parent keeps out completely or is in completely. Can't pick and choose when it suits.

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I agree, MN is very against step families in general it feels though. For me the step families I know that are really close treat the SC as their own, including discipline. They also include them in everything like their own.

MeetMyCat · 27/08/2023 20:36

MN is very selective.
When it comes to disciplining, asserting authority etc a step-parent should always keep quiet, 'you're not their parent' etc etc. It is 'confusing' for them to have instructions and discipline from a step-parent.
BUT when it comes to nice things everyone should be included.

Of course the two things might not be related but that's what I see on here.

Step-parent keeps out completely or is in completely. Can't pick and choose when it suits.

Yep, totally agree @FasciaDreams

roseheartfly · 27/08/2023 20:36

So sad that DSD knows. She's obviously feels that she is missing out.

For that reason, I'd want to bring her along and parents pay.

So tricky as I'm sure she gets holidays with Mum that your children miss out on but DISNEY.

I mean, I perhaps wouldn't have asked if I was her Mum, I'd just take her myself.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/08/2023 20:36

The people berating you OP are exactly the sort who’d be horrified if you suggested taking her.

You’d be told at least some of the following:

you’re not married so she’s not your step daughter

she comes to see her dad, not you

you're showing off and will make her mum look bad

you're not even going with her dad (who would be branded lazy and useless) so why would you think you had a right to take his daughter anywhere

Some might suggest you pay for her mum to take her instead - you get a whole variety of crazy on here around blended families.

Rumplestrumpet · 27/08/2023 20:36

Posts like this make me really sad. There isn't an obvious answer, it's just a reminder of how difficult blended families can be.

I'd be hurt if my siblings got to go to Disneyland and I didn't - on top of the already unfair situation that they get to live full time happy families with both parents, while my family got split up by the divorce and I get moved from pillar to post

This isn't saying the OP is to blame here - but the Step daughter isn't to blame for her situation either.

In that context, I would try to go the extra mile for my step daughter and consider bringing her along. Because life has already been unfair for her.

sandyhappypeople · 27/08/2023 20:36

How often do you have DSD? Has your mum not formed a relationship with her? Just curious that it wouldn’t have already come up in conversation before booking it at least. On the surface It seem unfair not to include her, assuming she’s been your SD for 12 years + but if you don’t see her very often and she doesn’t have a relationship with your mum then I can understand why she wasn’t invited.

you’ve not answered the question about why your partner is not going? Do your mum and him get on okay?

sunshineandshowers40 · 27/08/2023 20:37

Does DSD get on with their siblings? I think her mum is cheeky to ask. What does your DH think? YANBU but I can see why DSD may feel left out.

2jacqi · 27/08/2023 20:38

here is a novel idea! why does ex not take her own daughter to disney?
/

amicissimma · 27/08/2023 20:38

I find it interesting that on MN when the step mother, and/or her parents, are doing something with their child(ren), the half siblings must be included 'because they are brothers and sisters', yet when the natural mother is doing something with her DC alone, no one suggests that the half siblings should be included.

It does seem that half siblings are the same as full siblings in some circumstances and not in others.

NotAMug · 27/08/2023 20:38

Lovemusic82 · 27/08/2023 20:35

Just tell her that your mum is paying for and organising the trip, everything’s already booked and it can’t be changed?

Those saying DSD should be included…..if DSD was going away with her mother should she take OP’s dc with her too? My step children went abroad several times whilst my dc have never been because we couldn’t afford it, it’s just one of those things, life isn’t always fair.

Why would the OPs DC go with the SC mum? They don't spend time with her at all surely. The SC would be staying at the OPs house regularly as part of their family FFS.

FasciaDreams · 27/08/2023 20:39

YeahIsaidit · 27/08/2023 20:32

Why are so many people encouraging just lying to the woman??

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How is that a lie?
The trip is primarily driven by OP's mother. It's her that wants to go and experience it with her grandkids, also somewhat subsidising the OP (as she's paying half, not just for herself).

That's the key message. It's not really OP's trip to invite anybody else on anyway.

ConnieTucker · 27/08/2023 20:40

2jacqi · 27/08/2023 20:38

here is a novel idea! why does ex not take her own daughter to disney?
/

Or her dad.

where is her dad taking her on holiday next year if you are taking your kids to disney?

where did her dad take her this year?

Nopenopenopenopenopenope · 27/08/2023 20:41

She's your kids' sister. I guess I'd feel mean leaving her out if a)she wanted to come and b) her parents paid for it.

notlucreziaborgia · 27/08/2023 20:42

NotAMug · 27/08/2023 20:38

Why would the OPs DC go with the SC mum? They don't spend time with her at all surely. The SC would be staying at the OPs house regularly as part of their family FFS.

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Why wouldn’t they? They’re siblings, and the DD would feel bad about not going with her sister, yet having to hear about it. You know, the usual reasons that get pulled out when people are trying to pressure the stepmother into giving in.

No OP, YANBU. Tell her no. If she wants her daughter to go to Disney then she’s free to take her.

FasciaDreams · 27/08/2023 20:43

NotAMug · 27/08/2023 20:36

I agree, MN is very against step families in general it feels though. For me the step families I know that are really close treat the SC as their own, including discipline. They also include them in everything like their own.

Show quote history

I think if that's true it would be wrong to leave the SC out. 100% in, all in. However in that case I'd presume the SC has already met OP's mother and she considers them her grandchild too.

Trenchfootinthescottishhighlandstoday · 27/08/2023 20:43

Turn the tables. If dsd was going away with her dm and her dgm would op be expected to deal with it and help her dd deal with it? Of course she would .. It's part of split families ime. I took my younger dc away even when ex refused our joint dc to go. It's shit but that's what happens sometimes post divorce. Dsd will also have to deal with it.

YeahIsaidit · 27/08/2023 20:44

FasciaDreams · 27/08/2023 20:39

How is that a lie?
The trip is primarily driven by OP's mother. It's her that wants to go and experience it with her grandkids, also somewhat subsidising the OP (as she's paying half, not just for herself).

That's the key message. It's not really OP's trip to invite anybody else on anyway.

Show quote history

Saying that granny paid for the trip is lying, OP has paid towards it too. It also doesn't say anywhere that it was organised by granny, just that she wanted to experience Disney too. To me that sounds like OP invited granny along not the other way round. Either way, telling ex that granny paid and therefore can't invite someone else along, is lies

toomuchlaundry · 27/08/2023 20:45

If the child was OP's and not her partners, the in-laws would be criticised for not treating the child as part of the family.

RingRoad · 27/08/2023 20:46

LimeCheesecake · 27/08/2023 20:15

“Hi ex, there seems to be some confusion, my mum had offered to take her grandkids to Disneyland Paris, however she might struggle a bit with them so I’m going to go as well to help. This isn’t a whole family trip, DP isn’t going. I don’t think it would be appropriate to ask my mum to include DSD in her trip.”

Perfect message if you’re in contact with her. Or DP can tell her this.

YADNBU

CherryMaDeara · 27/08/2023 20:48

YeahIsaidit · 27/08/2023 20:44

Saying that granny paid for the trip is lying, OP has paid towards it too. It also doesn't say anywhere that it was organised by granny, just that she wanted to experience Disney too. To me that sounds like OP invited granny along not the other way round. Either way, telling ex that granny paid and therefore can't invite someone else along, is lies

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Why do you think anyone needs to know how the trip being paid for between the dc’s mum and grandma?

Therealjudgejudy · 27/08/2023 20:48

Yanbu. I do think your husband should message her explaining the situation.

YeahIsaidit · 27/08/2023 20:49

CherryMaDeara · 27/08/2023 20:48

Why do you think anyone needs to know how the trip being paid for between the dc’s mum and grandma?

Show quote history

I don't think that nor did I say it. I'm saying its wrong to lie. Granny wants to take her grandkids but would struggle alone so I'm going too, lies. Granny paid for it all, lies. If you don't wanna take the kid don't, but don't bullshit people as an excuse

InSpainTheRain · 27/08/2023 20:50

I don't think it's unreasonable to say no, DSD doesn't come. She could go at some other time with he mum or dad.