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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to DSDs mum

946 replies

RoarRoarBoom · 27/08/2023 20:03

I am taking my kids to Disneyland Paris next year with my mum. My mum is paying for half the trip and I’m paying the other half.

My partner is not coming and isn’t paying towards it. It’s just a trip with my mum and kids. He is all the kids father.

We dropped DSD back home today and she’s told her mum that I’m taking my kids to Disneyland and she’s sent my partner a Whats app asking if I would consider taking DSD on the trip too.

If I say no then she is going to kick off but I don’t want to take her. This is a trip with my mum and her grandkids.

AIBU to say not consider this at all

OP posts:
legalseagull · 27/08/2023 20:23

Presumably she goes on holiday without taking your kids???

"Sorry but not this time. This is a holiday for my mum and her grandchildren. DH isn't coming. I'm sure you understand, as I'm sure you wouldn't take my kids on holiday with your parents either"

Nottodayplease36 · 27/08/2023 20:23

I think it’s a bit unreasonable not to take her to be honest. Her siblings are all going in a great holiday and she’s going to hear about to prior and after.

I would expect the mother to pay for it, it at least half with your husband paying the other half but I would offer to take her.

Imagine how one of your children would feel if they didn’t get to go?

Original poster
RoarRoarBoom · 27/08/2023 20:24

DarkForces · 27/08/2023 20:17

I understand you just want it to be you, your mum and dd but it's not until next year and dsd knows about it so you must have been talking about it in front of her. Surely you can see that's asking for upset?

Edited

It was booked roughly 3-4 months ago but my daughter asked me a question about snacks in Disneyland Paris today and that’s how she found out.

It’s wasn’t a long convo as I changed the subject straight away but it isn’t a secret either so I won’t tell my daughter to keep it a secret either.

OP posts:
legalseagull · 27/08/2023 20:24

LimeCheesecake · 27/08/2023 20:15

“Hi ex, there seems to be some confusion, my mum had offered to take her grandkids to Disneyland Paris, however she might struggle a bit with them so I’m going to go as well to help. This isn’t a whole family trip, DP isn’t going. I don’t think it would be appropriate to ask my mum to include DSD in her trip.”

Perfect

avocadotofu · 27/08/2023 20:24

LimeCheesecake · 27/08/2023 20:15

“Hi ex, there seems to be some confusion, my mum had offered to take her grandkids to Disneyland Paris, however she might struggle a bit with them so I’m going to go as well to help. This isn’t a whole family trip, DP isn’t going. I don’t think it would be appropriate to ask my mum to include DSD in her trip.”

I'd go with this too.

AnneShirleysNewDress · 27/08/2023 20:24

I'm a stepmother and a stepchild and I still say no. @LimeCheesecake has the perfect response.

NotAMug · 27/08/2023 20:25

I can't imagine excluding 1 child but as your DH is not paying then I would perhaps expect the mum to pay. Although, I can't imagine being married to someone and our finances being separate so I'm finding it tricky to relate to this. MN is always against step anything so will always say no you shouldn't take them. I feel I would like to say I would always include all kids.

FasciaDreams · 27/08/2023 20:25

YANBU OP. If she's that bothered she should save up and take her child there herself.

DreamTheMoors · 27/08/2023 20:25

One person in this convo is kind. Only one.

To say no to DSDs mum
AnneLovesGilbert · 27/08/2023 20:25

Imagine how one of your children would feel if they didn’t get to go?

Imagine if her kid didn’t get to go on holiday with someone else’s parents? Fine, I expect.

Covidiokilledtheradiostar · 27/08/2023 20:25

CherryMaDeara · 27/08/2023 20:21

Unlikely if all the kids are over 10, but would be good to know from OP.

Show quote history

It’s says in the OP he is all the kids father

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 27/08/2023 20:25

LimeCheesecake · 27/08/2023 20:15

“Hi ex, there seems to be some confusion, my mum had offered to take her grandkids to Disneyland Paris, however she might struggle a bit with them so I’m going to go as well to help. This isn’t a whole family trip, DP isn’t going. I don’t think it would be appropriate to ask my mum to include DSD in her trip.”

This seems a good response to me. Just emphasise it’s your mum taking her grandkids, not a family trip with your DP.

Couldn’t DP spend some 1-2-1 time with his older (presumably) DD whilst you’re away

NotAMug · 27/08/2023 20:26

legalseagull · 27/08/2023 20:23

Presumably she goes on holiday without taking your kids???

"Sorry but not this time. This is a holiday for my mum and her grandchildren. DH isn't coming. I'm sure you understand, as I'm sure you wouldn't take my kids on holiday with your parents either"

This is irrelevant though, the OPs kids presumably don't have contact time with the SCs mum so why would she take them.

FasciaDreams · 27/08/2023 20:27

DreamTheMoors · 27/08/2023 20:25

One person in this convo is kind. Only one.

You seem to think that these kinds of comments make you seem clever... they really don't.
Or maybe, you have overflowing wealth so can afford to take everyone everywhere?

Zanatdy · 27/08/2023 20:28

I’d just say no, that your mum is paying and it’s a trip with her. Maybe she doesn’t know her ex isn’t going

NotAMug · 27/08/2023 20:28

MeetMyCat · 27/08/2023 20:18

A perfect response.

but beware, over the last few weeks several posters have been criticised for failing to include step children in absolutely everything. And apparently your mum should consider your step children as her family, and also include them in everything …

Show quote history

My mum would include a SC as family, any decent person would.

FasciaDreams · 27/08/2023 20:29

NotAMug · 27/08/2023 20:26

This is irrelevant though, the OPs kids presumably don't have contact time with the SCs mum so why would she take them.

Show quote history

Well they don't have contact time with OP or her mother either.
They are there to see their dad. Not OP.

Is OP allowed to discipline them exactly like she would her own kid?
Most people answer no.

But if it's to get something out of her like a holiday... nanananana OP must treat her exactly the same!

my82my · 27/08/2023 20:30

Would you be okay if your partner took her on holiday without you and his other children?
Not something I'd leave my stepdaughter out of and I'd definitely tell your children to stop talking about it in front of her.. that's not making them keep secrets it's teaching them tact and kindness to their step sisters feelings.

DreamTheMoors · 27/08/2023 20:31

FasciaDreams · 27/08/2023 20:27

You seem to think that these kinds of comments make you seem clever... they really don't.
Or maybe, you have overflowing wealth so can afford to take everyone everywhere?

Show quote history

I’m not trying to be clever, @FasciaDreams- I’m merely pointing out that there are unnecessarily unkind - and unnecessarily rude - people on this thread. Thanks.

NotAMug · 27/08/2023 20:31

FasciaDreams · 27/08/2023 20:29

Well they don't have contact time with OP or her mother either.
They are there to see their dad. Not OP.

Is OP allowed to discipline them exactly like she would her own kid?
Most people answer no.

But if it's to get something out of her like a holiday... nanananana OP must treat her exactly the same!

Show quote history

I find that really sad, OP, her DH and DD are a family, how sad that SC isn't seen as part of that.

The holiday I can see both sides in a way, esp as DH not going, but personally I couldn't leave a child out.

YeahIsaidit · 27/08/2023 20:32

avocadotofu · 27/08/2023 20:24

I'd go with this too.

Show quote history

Why are so many people encouraging just lying to the woman??

FasciaDreams · 27/08/2023 20:33

NotAMug · 27/08/2023 20:25

I can't imagine excluding 1 child but as your DH is not paying then I would perhaps expect the mum to pay. Although, I can't imagine being married to someone and our finances being separate so I'm finding it tricky to relate to this. MN is always against step anything so will always say no you shouldn't take them. I feel I would like to say I would always include all kids.

MN is very selective.
When it comes to disciplining, asserting authority etc a step-parent should always keep quiet, 'you're not their parent' etc etc. It is 'confusing' for them to have instructions and discipline from a step-parent.
BUT when it comes to nice things everyone should be included.

Of course the two things might not be related but that's what I see on here.

Step-parent keeps out completely or is in completely. Can't pick and choose when it suits.

FasciaDreams · 27/08/2023 20:34

DreamTheMoors · 27/08/2023 20:31

I’m not trying to be clever, @FasciaDreams- I’m merely pointing out that there are unnecessarily unkind - and unnecessarily rude - people on this thread. Thanks.

Show quote history

But nobody is being that. There are all sorts of reasons why they wouldn't take the child.
Saying you'd 100% do a thing and calling other people rude or unkind really isn't engaging. But you do you.

MeetMyCat · 27/08/2023 20:34

So if Grandma wants to take her daughter and grand daughters on holiday, she must also include her daughter’s partner’s child? What if she doesn’t know the child, or would prefer just to invite immediate family?

Lovemusic82 · 27/08/2023 20:35

Just tell her that your mum is paying for and organising the trip, everything’s already booked and it can’t be changed?

Those saying DSD should be included…..if DSD was going away with her mother should she take OP’s dc with her too? My step children went abroad several times whilst my dc have never been because we couldn’t afford it, it’s just one of those things, life isn’t always fair.