Page 37 | To say no to DSDs mum

RoarRoarBoom · 2023-08-27T19:03:43+00:00

I am taking my kids to Disneyland Paris next year with my mum. My mum is paying for half the trip and I’m paying the other half. My partner is not coming and isn’t paying towards it. It’s just a trip with my mum and kids. He is all the kids father. We dropped DSD back home today and she’s told her mum that I’m taking my kids to Disneyland and she’s sent my partner a Whats app asking if I would consider taking DSD on the trip too. If I say no then she is going to kick off but I don’t want to take her. This is a trip with my mum and her grandkids. AIBU to say not consider this at all

funinthesun19 · 30/08/2023 08:08

Can you read? Did you actually read my post?

I said that if husband ever goes to Disney in the future, he should have to take BOTH children because he’s a father of TWO. That the difference between him and OP.
He shouldn’t leave his youngest behind just because she’s already been with her mum. He shouldn’t use Disney as an opportunity to spend quality time with his eldest. He can go to the cinema and pizza for that.

CecilyP · 30/08/2023 08:29

funinthesun19 · 30/08/2023 08:08

Can you read? Did you actually read my post?

I said that if husband ever goes to Disney in the future, he should have to take BOTH children because he’s a father of TWO. That the difference between him and OP.
He shouldn’t leave his youngest behind just because she’s already been with her mum. He shouldn’t use Disney as an opportunity to spend quality time with his eldest. He can go to the cinema and pizza for that.

Think it’s you who can’t read! Unless you’ve not made your point clear, He’s the father of 3. The oldest is OPs stepchild. If he ever takes his kids to Disney, it will be the second time of going for all3.

Backagain23 · 30/08/2023 09:00

@funinthesun19 just to reassure you that I understood your point perfectly. 👌

Rosscameasdoody · 30/08/2023 10:02

paulaparticles · 29/08/2023 18:47

Your boyfriend isn't invited as then dsd would have to be invited and you don't want her there. As dsd has already been and likely talks of it you now want your children to go and experience it. Nothing wrong with that apart from you seem to be getting some thrill from upsetting dsd and boyfriends ex. Which is the whole point of the holiday. The End.

And you win the internet for the nastiest and most bonkers post on an already insane thread !!

Dontcallmescarface · 30/08/2023 10:15

paulaparticles · 29/08/2023 18:47

Your boyfriend isn't invited as then dsd would have to be invited and you don't want her there. As dsd has already been and likely talks of it you now want your children to go and experience it. Nothing wrong with that apart from you seem to be getting some thrill from upsetting dsd and boyfriends ex. Which is the whole point of the holiday. The End.

How many muscles did you pull with that huge stretch?

Floofydawg · 30/08/2023 12:08

Come on people, let's see if we can fill the post up with continued circular arguments!!

funinthesun19 · 30/08/2023 16:33

CecilyP · 30/08/2023 08:29

Think it’s you who can’t read! Unless you’ve not made your point clear, He’s the father of 3. The oldest is OPs stepchild. If he ever takes his kids to Disney, it will be the second time of going for all3.

Show quote history

Ok so he’s a father of 3. At least I got a number wrong and not a person’s whole post.

Nanaof1 · 30/08/2023 20:00

Hibiscrubbed · 29/08/2023 15:09

Some of the posts on this thread are crazy, you could say the sky was blue & some would argue that it wasn’t

They would argue that you must see what colour the stepkids think it is, and if they think the sky is pink, then it is, and that by denying that you’re both neglectful and overstepping and you should stay in your lane, but also accommodate every whim of your stepchildren and their mother, at the cost of your own children and yourself. At all costs. Otherwise you’re a cunt.

Show quote history

⬆THIS!⬆

It seems like I keep seeing the same theme. SM is supposed to do everything for their stepchild, no matter how inconvenient or outrageous and in the same breath, "You are not the SC's parent. You have no right to tell them what to do or to discipline them. That's their PARENT'S job."

OP--enjoy your trip and don't let a few posters cause you to doubt yourself. You are doing nothing wrong, no matter what the First Wives Club says.

Morechocmorechoc · 01/09/2023 08:48

Can someone explain something to me...loads of people saying you can't do a holiday without the step kids. However most of those kids, like OP step kids will get hokidays with their other parents, like hers are going to Greece, which the ops kids can't go on. How would that then be considered fair?

Surely blended family's if they had any decency, should work it out that all kids I valved in blended family's get the same holiday time (albeit diff hokidays) over the course of the year or two years. Otherwise step kids get twice as many as the kids who live with the (in this case) OP and dad because they also get hokidays with mum and new partner.

aSofaNearYou · 01/09/2023 08:56

Morechocmorechoc · 01/09/2023 08:48

Can someone explain something to me...loads of people saying you can't do a holiday without the step kids. However most of those kids, like OP step kids will get hokidays with their other parents, like hers are going to Greece, which the ops kids can't go on. How would that then be considered fair?

Surely blended family's if they had any decency, should work it out that all kids I valved in blended family's get the same holiday time (albeit diff hokidays) over the course of the year or two years. Otherwise step kids get twice as many as the kids who live with the (in this case) OP and dad because they also get hokidays with mum and new partner.

Not my opinion as I tend to be a lot more pragmatic about these things than posters on here, but it's generally said that it isn't about how many holidays they have, it's about always being included in any holiday their parent goes on, so it doesn't matter that they end up with twice as many (and this would probably be mentioned as being a poor consolation prize for their parents having split up)

LimeCheesecake · 01/09/2023 09:27

I agree @aSofaNearYou - if the dad was going then the DSD should be going too- but as he’s not, then it is fine for the OP to take her dcs away with her mum.

I would also say it’s ok for the OP and her DH to go away without any of the children, or for sometimes the dad to take just one of his 3 dcs away. (Eg if one of the dcs is into mountain biking, just dad and that child go away for a few days to do that)

MeetMyCat · 01/09/2023 09:46

LimeCheesecake · 01/09/2023 09:27

I agree @aSofaNearYou - if the dad was going then the DSD should be going too- but as he’s not, then it is fine for the OP to take her dcs away with her mum.

I would also say it’s ok for the OP and her DH to go away without any of the children, or for sometimes the dad to take just one of his 3 dcs away. (Eg if one of the dcs is into mountain biking, just dad and that child go away for a few days to do that)

Totally agree. I don't understand this obsession with taking a step child absolutely everywhere. It doesn't happen with bio children.

sandyhappypeople · 01/09/2023 10:23

Personally I think opinions are being polarised on here because of the type of holiday it is, and because of how OP has failed to take into account her DSD feelings, plus people always have quite strong feelings on SC relationships on here.

I think OP is well within her rights to take her kids away with her mum, but she hasn’t considered that her step child may feel left out that all the other children are being taken to Disney (I doubt this thread would have been started if they were going to Spain as it’s not about the actual holiday, they’ve been holidaying together and apart for years and that’s never been a problem before, it’s about the fact it’s specifically a children’s holiday to Disney).

She’s saying that DSD is ‘not her child, so it’s not her problem’, which IS true, you can’t argue that, but OP doesn’t seem to recognise that that attitude can be quite hurtful when DSD has been a part of her life for at least 10 years, and the fact that they kept the holiday (which has been booked for 3-4 months) a secret from her isn’t nice either IMO, the other kids have also been put in an awkward position and one of them accidentally spilled the beans.. then instead of explaining WHY the holiday has been booked and setup this way, so there’s no confusion/hard feelings she’s quickly changed the subject on her, so she’s understandably gone home to talk to her mum about it? and her mum has asked them to consider taking her? It’s hardly surprising that that has happened.

I think the OP is right to do the holiday her way, with her mum, there’s nothing wrong with that.

IMO what is wrong is to not even think about taking her DSD in the first place (OP says she didn’t even consider it, but that IS her prerogative), and to also not consider how that could potentially make DSD feel when she found out she was the only child not going.

IMO if OP really though she was morally right, there’s not reason why she wouldn’t have been upfront with DSD, I suspect she was going to tell her after the fact, or potentially not at all.

CornishGem1975 · 01/09/2023 10:36

DSD has a DF who could take her to Disney if he wanted to.

Tandora · 01/09/2023 10:42

Morechocmorechoc · 01/09/2023 08:48

Can someone explain something to me...loads of people saying you can't do a holiday without the step kids. However most of those kids, like OP step kids will get hokidays with their other parents, like hers are going to Greece, which the ops kids can't go on. How would that then be considered fair?

Surely blended family's if they had any decency, should work it out that all kids I valved in blended family's get the same holiday time (albeit diff hokidays) over the course of the year or two years. Otherwise step kids get twice as many as the kids who live with the (in this case) OP and dad because they also get hokidays with mum and new partner.

RTFT. this specific issue/ point has been debated to death and explained, from both sides , multiple times.

FasciaDreams · 01/09/2023 13:06

sandyhappypeople · 01/09/2023 10:23

Personally I think opinions are being polarised on here because of the type of holiday it is, and because of how OP has failed to take into account her DSD feelings, plus people always have quite strong feelings on SC relationships on here.

I think OP is well within her rights to take her kids away with her mum, but she hasn’t considered that her step child may feel left out that all the other children are being taken to Disney (I doubt this thread would have been started if they were going to Spain as it’s not about the actual holiday, they’ve been holidaying together and apart for years and that’s never been a problem before, it’s about the fact it’s specifically a children’s holiday to Disney).

She’s saying that DSD is ‘not her child, so it’s not her problem’, which IS true, you can’t argue that, but OP doesn’t seem to recognise that that attitude can be quite hurtful when DSD has been a part of her life for at least 10 years, and the fact that they kept the holiday (which has been booked for 3-4 months) a secret from her isn’t nice either IMO, the other kids have also been put in an awkward position and one of them accidentally spilled the beans.. then instead of explaining WHY the holiday has been booked and setup this way, so there’s no confusion/hard feelings she’s quickly changed the subject on her, so she’s understandably gone home to talk to her mum about it? and her mum has asked them to consider taking her? It’s hardly surprising that that has happened.

I think the OP is right to do the holiday her way, with her mum, there’s nothing wrong with that.

IMO what is wrong is to not even think about taking her DSD in the first place (OP says she didn’t even consider it, but that IS her prerogative), and to also not consider how that could potentially make DSD feel when she found out she was the only child not going.

IMO if OP really though she was morally right, there’s not reason why she wouldn’t have been upfront with DSD, I suspect she was going to tell her after the fact, or potentially not at all.

As you can see on here anything a step-parent says is twisted against them. With that in mind it's the job of DSD's actual parents, her mother and father, to explain all this to her.
DSD's dad knew about this and kept schtum. That's not OP's fault. Maybe OP didn't even anticipate DSD reaction she assumed that her dad would have sorted it and told her. So that's why she tried to shut her own kid up and let dad sort his mess out. OP has said several times she's not going to stop ANYBODY talking about their holidays in front of others but in this case she did. So that's the reason.
I don't think OP's wrong to not consider taking DSD. It's a trip driven by her mother, and planned to be for her+grandkids. It wasn't even OP who wanted to go to Disneyland it was her mum.

For all we know OP's kids could have been already. DSD certainly already has.

candyqueen888 · 01/09/2023 13:09

CornishGem1975 · 27/08/2023 20:11

Just say no, unless she's offering to pay.

OP shouldn't feel obligated to take her even if the mum is paying.

sandyhappypeople · 01/09/2023 13:32

FasciaDreams · 01/09/2023 13:06

As you can see on here anything a step-parent says is twisted against them. With that in mind it's the job of DSD's actual parents, her mother and father, to explain all this to her.
DSD's dad knew about this and kept schtum. That's not OP's fault. Maybe OP didn't even anticipate DSD reaction she assumed that her dad would have sorted it and told her. So that's why she tried to shut her own kid up and let dad sort his mess out. OP has said several times she's not going to stop ANYBODY talking about their holidays in front of others but in this case she did. So that's the reason.
I don't think OP's wrong to not consider taking DSD. It's a trip driven by her mother, and planned to be for her+grandkids. It wasn't even OP who wanted to go to Disneyland it was her mum.

For all we know OP's kids could have been already. DSD certainly already has.

Show quote history

Maybe OP didn't even anticipate DSD reaction she assumed that her dad would have sorted it and told her. So that's why she tried to shut her own kid up and let dad sort his mess out.

this is the problem with threads like this, people are always going to have differing opinions, that’s WHY people post in AIBU after all, to be open to different viewpoints, but everything you’ve just said above is complete assumption and not based on ANYTHING op has actually said, you’re just putting your own personal spin on it for the sake of creating an argument, it’s utterly pointless.

Besides, the dad wasn’t invited on this trip, it’s absolutely nothing to do with him as OP has repeatedly said, so I’m not sure why it would be ‘his mess to sort out’ and the mother didn’t know either until DSD came home with the news, as OP has confirmed, so she couldn’t have explained it to her beforehand.

FasciaDreams · 01/09/2023 13:40

sandyhappypeople · 01/09/2023 13:32

Maybe OP didn't even anticipate DSD reaction she assumed that her dad would have sorted it and told her. So that's why she tried to shut her own kid up and let dad sort his mess out.

this is the problem with threads like this, people are always going to have differing opinions, that’s WHY people post in AIBU after all, to be open to different viewpoints, but everything you’ve just said above is complete assumption and not based on ANYTHING op has actually said, you’re just putting your own personal spin on it for the sake of creating an argument, it’s utterly pointless.

Besides, the dad wasn’t invited on this trip, it’s absolutely nothing to do with him as OP has repeatedly said, so I’m not sure why it would be ‘his mess to sort out’ and the mother didn’t know either until DSD came home with the news, as OP has confirmed, so she couldn’t have explained it to her beforehand.

Show quote history

Not sure why you're getting upset. I agree with you that it's horrible for DSD to feel that everyone's keeping something from her, or deliberately leaving her out.
Knowing that you can't keep things like this secret the sensible thing to do would've been to tell her.
'Who' should have told her? Her father, or her mother. Not the OP.
Also nobody's creating an argument here, unless you are. As you stated it's AIBU and people can post their own take on things.

Namechangedagain20 · 01/09/2023 13:42

I would take her because she’s a biological sibling of the other kids going. It’s a bit mean to be taking all siblings bar one. I would expect a contribution from her parents though.

sandyhappypeople · 01/09/2023 14:14

FasciaDreams · 01/09/2023 13:40

Not sure why you're getting upset. I agree with you that it's horrible for DSD to feel that everyone's keeping something from her, or deliberately leaving her out.
Knowing that you can't keep things like this secret the sensible thing to do would've been to tell her.
'Who' should have told her? Her father, or her mother. Not the OP.
Also nobody's creating an argument here, unless you are. As you stated it's AIBU and people can post their own take on things.

Show quote history

I’m not upset, if reading and posting on here made me upset I wouldn’t bother with it, but admittedly it can be hard to judge peoples tone.

You’re right, DSD should have been told, but her mum couldn’t have told her as she didn’t know. Unsure about her dad’s take on it, it’s confirmed he’s not been invited and is having absolutely no involvement (by OPs own admission), so maybe he’s been asked not to say anything, or maybe he was asked and he refused, or maybe he just intended for her not to find out too, who knows on that one, it’s not been said.

Whatever the arrangement was, expecting their kids not to accidentally spill the beans was a shit plan in fairness, not fair on their kids and quite a hurtful way for DSD to find out, especially seeing as it was immediately swept under the rug, and that is on DH and OP who have both chosen to keep it from her for whatever reason.

CecilyP · 01/09/2023 15:26

Namechangedagain20 · 01/09/2023 13:42

I would take her because she’s a biological sibling of the other kids going. It’s a bit mean to be taking all siblings bar one. I would expect a contribution from her parents though.

Based on that logic, DSD's mum should be taking OP's kids Greece next year seeing they are biological siblings.

Morechocmorechoc · 01/09/2023 15:55

@Tandora no time to read 37 pages of thread I'm afraid. Was hoping for a quick pop which someone already did thanks!

Hibiscrubbed · 01/09/2023 16:08

This has been one of the most enduringly ridiculous threads I’ve seen for a long time.

JamieFrasersfurrysporran · 01/09/2023 16:23

Hibiscrubbed · 01/09/2023 16:08

This has been one of the most enduringly ridiculous threads I’ve seen for a long time.

That's quite an achievement for this place 🥴