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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to DSDs mum

946 replies

RoarRoarBoom · 27/08/2023 20:03

I am taking my kids to Disneyland Paris next year with my mum. My mum is paying for half the trip and I’m paying the other half.

My partner is not coming and isn’t paying towards it. It’s just a trip with my mum and kids. He is all the kids father.

We dropped DSD back home today and she’s told her mum that I’m taking my kids to Disneyland and she’s sent my partner a Whats app asking if I would consider taking DSD on the trip too.

If I say no then she is going to kick off but I don’t want to take her. This is a trip with my mum and her grandkids.

AIBU to say not consider this at all

OP posts:
RLmadmum · 27/08/2023 20:50

I feel like there's context missing here that could form part of the argument..
What kind of relationship does your mum have with DSD? I kind of feel from the tone they're not particularly close or have much of a relationship. If that's the case, I would say YANBU.

However, if they are close then I would consider extending an invite to DSD but her mum will also have to financially contribute also as it's only fair, I note your DH isn't paying anything towards it.

In an ideal world; everyone would blend their families seamlessly and life would be so much easier. I mean, my nephew isn't related biologically but as far as I'm concerned, that's irrelevant to me. But I'm one of the lucky ones in that respect, my SIL is an absolute dream and I'm blessed to have her and my nephew. Some people just aren't that lucky though, it's the way the world works.

Grace204 · 27/08/2023 20:51

Are you married? If not then presumably you've got a different surname to dsd. How do you explain that going through passport control - two people taking a child abroad with different surnames and neither of who have parental responsibility.

I don't think you should be expected to take her. You're going away with your dm and her grandchildren

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/08/2023 20:51

Why are people saying the DP should pay his daughter’s share if she goes but not towards his other kids?

CherryMaDeara · 27/08/2023 20:52

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/08/2023 20:51

Why are people saying the DP should pay his daughter’s share if she goes but not towards his other kids?

Coz only the OG kids count for some.

cadink · 27/08/2023 20:53

Just say no. No is a whole sentence, so what if she kicks off, big girl pants time.

MeAgainPeeps · 27/08/2023 20:53

DSC presumably has her own maternal grandparents who do stuff with her that your children don't get to do.

Your DH should reply..

@RoarRoarBoom and her mum are going on the trip. I will not be attending and don't think it's appropriate for DD to attend on this occasion. Although, I would love to have some some alone time with DD and intend on taking her to X for a treat.

NotAMug · 27/08/2023 20:53

notlucreziaborgia · 27/08/2023 20:42

Why wouldn’t they? They’re siblings, and the DD would feel bad about not going with her sister, yet having to hear about it. You know, the usual reasons that get pulled out when people are trying to pressure the stepmother into giving in.

No OP, YANBU. Tell her no. If she wants her daughter to go to Disney then she’s free to take her.

Show quote history

But the SCs mum is not the OPs DDs step mum. She may have never even met her so why would she go on holiday with her?

cadink · 27/08/2023 20:54

MeAgainPeeps · 27/08/2023 20:53

DSC presumably has her own maternal grandparents who do stuff with her that your children don't get to do.

Your DH should reply..

@RoarRoarBoom and her mum are going on the trip. I will not be attending and don't think it's appropriate for DD to attend on this occasion. Although, I would love to have some some alone time with DD and intend on taking her to X for a treat.

Edited

This reply is perfect.

CherryMaDeara · 27/08/2023 20:54

Also, presumably DSD has mums parents to treat her to things?

i guess if both sides of DSDs parents are not close or dead then it would be nice to include DSD in trip.

FasciaDreams · 27/08/2023 20:54

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/08/2023 20:51

Why are people saying the DP should pay his daughter’s share if she goes but not towards his other kids?

No, they're saying that the OP or her mother shouldn't be out of pocket. They're not married so their finances are individual.
DSD has two parents either one of them can pay.

SleepingStandingUp · 27/08/2023 20:56

I'd just reply and say your Mom has already paid and booked it all but perhaps she and DH can sort something for DSD and you'd be up for going again

pizzaHeart · 27/08/2023 20:57

LimeCheesecake · 27/08/2023 20:15

“Hi ex, there seems to be some confusion, my mum had offered to take her grandkids to Disneyland Paris, however she might struggle a bit with them so I’m going to go as well to help. This isn’t a whole family trip, DP isn’t going. I don’t think it would be appropriate to ask my mum to include DSD in her trip.”

send her this txt^
there was obviously some confusion about who’s going and why.

Thisismynewusername1 · 27/08/2023 20:57

Grace204 · 27/08/2023 20:51

Are you married? If not then presumably you've got a different surname to dsd. How do you explain that going through passport control - two people taking a child abroad with different surnames and neither of who have parental responsibility.

I don't think you should be expected to take her. You're going away with your dm and her grandchildren

If the o/p’s kids have her dh’s surname then this is the case anyway. O/p and her mum may have different names to her kids.

anyway different surnames isn’t the issue many think it is. Lots of cultures one parent doesn’t have the same surname. How do you think school trips work?

I’ve just taken my kids and nephew away with my sister and mum. None of us have the same surname as any of the kids. Not a comment was passed.

last sports trip I went on the only kid that was stopped for proof of dad’s consent was one with the same surname as her mum.

my82my · 27/08/2023 20:59

Just to add I think it's fine to go on holiday with your mum and your own children. BUT tell your children to stop talking about it in front of her, it's cruel. Especially if you can provide a nicer lifestyle then your step daughters mum can.
As your step daughter is now aware and upset enough to bring it up with her mum I'd explain to her that your children's granny paid (a lie but to soften the blow) and you'll be sure to bring her back lots of treats and that next year you can all go away together as a family.
Her dad should be doing something separately with her while your all away. What does he think about all of this?

Andthereyougo · 27/08/2023 20:59

LimeCheesecake · 27/08/2023 20:15

“Hi ex, there seems to be some confusion, my mum had offered to take her grandkids to Disneyland Paris, however she might struggle a bit with them so I’m going to go as well to help. This isn’t a whole family trip, DP isn’t going. I don’t think it would be appropriate to ask my mum to include DSD in her trip.”

This. Perfect response.

Hibiscrubbed · 27/08/2023 21:00

So she wants her ex-partner’s new wife, and her ex-partner’s new wife’s mother to not only take her daughter to Disneyland Paris, but to pay for her as well?

😂😂😂

Yeah, no. Insanity.

notlucreziaborgia · 27/08/2023 21:00

NotAMug · 27/08/2023 20:53

But the SCs mum is not the OPs DDs step mum. She may have never even met her so why would she go on holiday with her?

Show quote history

I was under the impression that it was all about the feelings of the kids.

The OP and her mother want their holiday as they planned it, yet apparently what they may want should come second to what the stepdaughter wants.

In reality OP is no more obliged to take the stepdaughter than the mother is to take OP’s daughter.

Ohyousillydivvy · 27/08/2023 21:00

I'd just say that your mum is paying for the trip for her grandchildren but if she wants her child to go then the cost is £x. Also, mention that you can't expect your mum the pay for her child nor be responsible for her child either.

Nanny0gg · 27/08/2023 21:01

Leovaldie · 27/08/2023 20:21

Do all the kids get on well together? If they do and you have room I don't see the problem with taking her....but I'd tell her mom that she and her dad would have to cover the cost between them as your mom's already paid.

But neither one of her actual parents is going.

Is the ex going to take the OP's children anywhere? After all they're half-siblings to her daughter...

Runningonjammiedodgers · 27/08/2023 21:03

Considering all the kids are over 10 and your DP is dad to them all DSD has been in your life for a long time. I think its harsh to exclude her from an experience all her siblings are getting to have. It might not be ideal for your mum or you but you are the adults, for the only child not including it's probably very upsetting. DH should cover her costs.

Or alternatively he should arrange his own trip to DLP with just DSD. Unless your kids are likely to be upset by being left out.....

NotAMug · 27/08/2023 21:03

notlucreziaborgia · 27/08/2023 21:00

I was under the impression that it was all about the feelings of the kids.

The OP and her mother want their holiday as they planned it, yet apparently what they may want should come second to what the stepdaughter wants.

In reality OP is no more obliged to take the stepdaughter than the mother is to take OP’s daughter.

Show quote history

I just can't see this. Maybe I'm just lucky with the step families I am involved with.

Not everyone is the same, I get that, so maybe OP just needs to be honest about it to the SCs mum.

CherryMaDeara · 27/08/2023 21:03

I also think if the father and ex want stepmum’s parents to step into loco grandparentis for DSC then they should make effort with those grandparents too.

Too many fathers or exs seem to expect stepmum’s family to go above and beyond what they do for their own do.

Thirdsummerofourdiscontent · 27/08/2023 21:04

This is a trip for you, your children and your mother. She is being a cheeky cow.

Original poster
RoarRoarBoom · 27/08/2023 21:04

sandyhappypeople · 27/08/2023 20:36

How often do you have DSD? Has your mum not formed a relationship with her? Just curious that it wouldn’t have already come up in conversation before booking it at least. On the surface It seem unfair not to include her, assuming she’s been your SD for 12 years + but if you don’t see her very often and she doesn’t have a relationship with your mum then I can understand why she wasn’t invited.

you’ve not answered the question about why your partner is not going? Do your mum and him get on okay?

I did answer it.

There’s no real reason…. It’s just a holiday with my mum and her grandkids. I don’t think it’s abnormal.

My dad isn’t interested in Disney but is happy for my mum to go off and enjoy herself and as my dads not going my partners staying behind.

My mum (and dad) get on really well with my partner.

OP posts:
Original poster
RoarRoarBoom · 27/08/2023 21:05

sunshineandshowers40 · 27/08/2023 20:37

Does DSD get on with their siblings? I think her mum is cheeky to ask. What does your DH think? YANBU but I can see why DSD may feel left out.

My partner thinks she’s being cheeky too.

OP posts: