To say no to DSDs mum

[RoarRoarBoom]

I am taking my kids to Disneyland Paris next year with my mum. My mum is paying for half the trip and I’m paying the other half.

My partner is not coming and isn’t paying towards it. It’s just a trip with my mum and kids. He is all the kids father.

We dropped DSD back home today and she’s told her mum that I’m taking my kids to Disneyland and she’s sent my partner a Whats app asking if I would consider taking DSD on the trip too.

If I say no then she is going to kick off but I don’t want to take her. This is a trip with my mum and her grandkids.

AIBU to say not consider this at all

Yesterday at 11:11 she wrote this:

I also have looked up how much it would be to add her on and re book and it’s absolutely ridiculous to add her on! Double the price of what We are paying now so it’s absolutely not a option anyway.

except she’s just had a strop about how money is no object and they could all go to ‘Disney Florida tomorrow’ and it’s insulting to say she can only afford to pay half.. so which is it? OPs posts are FULL of back peddling:

‘DSD mums asked for her daughter to be considered to go’ turned into ‘passive aggressive’ and then ‘talking to people like shit’ a few posts later.

OPs DH choosing not to go because her dads not going’ turned into him ‘absolutely not being invited whether he wanted to go or not’

now OPs posts about ‘how much more it would cost and how unaffordable it would be’ has turned into they’ve got money coming out their ears and money is no object.

its a load of bollocks, she doesn’t want to take her and that’s that, I agreed that she shouldn’t have to, and it’s up to her what she does, but why make up shit to fit your narrative, talk about leading people down the garden path, if you’re asking for peoples honest opinions of the situation the least you could do is be honest about the situation in the first place.. unless you’re only looking for opinions that match your own of course.

I can't believe this is still going on.

This is a trip that is about the Grandmother above all else. It's something she wants to do with her grandchildren while she still can, and OP has offered to pay half. That payment doesn't make it any less the grandmother's trip.

The DSD is not the most important person in this scenario. Grandma is, and she should not be obliged to take an extra child that she barely knows. Arguments about whether her barely knowing the child is wrong, have no place in this argument. That's how it is, and she doesn't need to take her.

The only further messaging that the ex should get from DH is "this is not a family holiday, I'm not going, it's a trip organised by my MIL for her grandchildren"

now OPs posts about ‘how much more it would cost and how unaffordable it would be’

She never claimed it was unaffordable. She stated it would double the cost and was out of the question. That could be for a myriad of reasons, none of which are to do with affordability.

This is so nasty honestly and childish. Makes my blood boil, what a bad attitude. Children do not miss out by having half siblings , or having those half siblings included in things like family holidays, having siblings is a gift. This is not a competition between SDC and OP’s children. Their experiences will never be the same. SDC will have hardships never known by OP’s children. Equally there will be privileges for her too. This is not about “fairness” or “equivalency” between the children- that can never be achieved , especially when SDC only sees her father once every other weekend. This is about ensuring that a child grows up feeling like they have equal value and worth as any other child, even if everything they get is inevitably not the same/ their experiences are different.
Expecting a child to “blend” with a new family- step parent and half siblings- and then excluding them from important occasions/ treats , and treating them only as an add on / after thought in that home , can cause long standing issues with self esteem, mental health and relationships. This is known. Not saying that this is what is happening at all in this family, but these dynamics are sensitive and need to be handled with care.

Just because you can afford something doesn’t mean you will pay it out. I wouldn’t add one child on for the cost of a whole trip for 3 others.
Again I’d ask mum if she wants to pay and it will probably shut the suggestion down.

Again, my apparent "nasty, childish and bad attitude" is apparently us just agreeing again.
The children's lives and experiences will always be different and no ammount of handwringing will change it.
I think that all the children should be able to enjoy their own lives and separate family relationships guilt free as if it the most natural thing in the world, sometimes about the blended part of the family, sometimes about the non blended part. I think if any child is struggling with this then they should be reassured by their parents, not told what an awful thing it is that not everything includes them.
You don't. Fair enough.

Not seeing the backpedaling by OP. Being able to afford the price increase isn’t the same thing as being willing to pay it. Having money doesn’t mean you can’t recognize a bad deal, or that you don’t mind being ripped off.

as far as DSD’s mother goes - she sent one message that can absolutely be read as passive aggressive. When she was told no she sent more messages trying to argue it. So yes, it can go from passive aggressive to talking to them like shit in the space of a thread about an issue happening in real time.

Me neither, people are grasping at straws.

If I was in OPs shoes and received that message and was feeling indignant about it, I would absolutely look up how much it would cost to add her on so I could include that in my rant about how cheeky her mum was being. That doesn't mean I was considering paying it, I would just have want to know how much it would theoretically cost me.

The point is it wouldn’t have been that expensive in the first place, the fact that it’s an afterthought is what’s making it expensive, but who’s fault is that?

if they had considered DSD in the first place (NOT agreed to take her, just considered the implications of it), the money side could have easily been sorted out.

I think the thing that gets me is that they didn’t think of her at all, didn’t think if she might be affected, because they could have easily sat her down and explained the situation as they saw it, cost aside, it’s perfectly reasonable not to take a child away with neither of their legal guardians. the fact that she’s inadvertently found out from one of the other kids must be quite hurtful, and now people on here are saying she’s not OPs family so it shouldn’t matter(!!), she’s a family member at least so her feeling should matter, this should have been thought about and dealt with from the planning stage.

You are so deluded it’s unread. You are just making up shit as you go along to fit your own thoughts. It’s sad. No one is back peddling shit.

What was insulting was you saying I was only going with my mum because she’s paying half which is not true. I’m going with her because I want to! I never said it was insulting to say I could pay half. There is another prime example that you are just making any old shit up.

Just because I have the money doesn’t mean I want to spend it. I never said it was ‘unaffordable’ to add her on. I said the price to add her on was ridiculous and no way would I add her on when it doubles the price of the holiday…. Not because I can’t afford it but because I’m not being ripped off!! I already posted before that post saying the same holiday was £485 more without even adding dsd on. I never said I was adding her on, I was just casually looking. The search takes 1 minute.

DSD mum always talks to my partner like shit but stating that doesn’t make a blind bit of difference to the thread.

Again, you seem to be finding it hard to understand. My Partner is and was not invited. You seem hell bent on deciding he was invited though. I am allowed to do things without him.

No I didn’t think of her as she’s not my child, she’s not my mums grandchildren and her dad isn’t going.

and now people on here are saying she’s not OPs family so it shouldn’t matter(!!)

No, they're saying she isn't their child. If you're going to pick people's responses apart at least quote them right.

I agree with OP. Not her child, not her mom's grandchild and her father isn't going.

Bloody hell, there are some rabid first wives on this thread.

The op is taking her children away with her mum, so no the DSD doesn't need to be considered. You wouldn't expect DHs ex to consider OPs kids when she takes her daughter away but they are just as much half siblings that way round

The only time all children should be considered is when DH is involved as all of them are his children

Whether he was invited or not is irrelevant anyway. Even if DH was invited and said no - you weren't obligated to invite Dsd. Even if you dad (your children's DGF) was going - still OK to not include Dsd - they aren't her grandparents and you aren't her mother.

Surely if DSD mother wants fairness then she would take her away to Disneyland Paris herself, with her own gran and any younger siblings she may have?

so did you not think she may be a bit hurt by not being thought of (again, I don’t mean not being asked), I mean not even considering how it would make her feel to find out she’s not invited?

Your justification is perfectly reasonable, and think it’s sensible not to take her without her legal guardians.

But why not sit her down and tell her what you’d planned to save her from finding out the way she did and to save any confusion/ shut down any potential silly business with his ex, it’s been booked for months, were you ever going to tell her?

100% in agreement with you here.

I don't understand the vitriol the op is getting. It's a holiday with your mum who is not related to dsd and your mum is paying half. Why would that entitle dsd to go? She isn't one of the grandchildren but more importantly she isn't your child. Why should you assume parental responsibility for her abroad with neither of her parents present? It would be different if her dd was going and contributing but he isn't. As it stands dsd will get one on one time with her dad which she may well prefer. She is also getting a holiday with her mum as your kid's are with you.

You could bend over backwards to try to make things fair between her and your children, but it won't work as yours live with their dad. It's just how it is.

Tbf I don't think OP is receiving a negative response overall. I got the impression most comments are in her favour, there's just been a few posters commenting multiple times that disagree with her.

No one said the stepdaughter wasn’t her family, just that she wasn’t her child. She isn’t. Not sure why the two terms are being used interchangeably.

Op’s partner and father are also her family, and they’re not invited either.

No I didn’t think of her as she’s not my child, she’s not my mums grandchildren and her dad isn’t going.

This whole thing has left me baffled, OP! I have three grown up children. I have taken each of them away separately or in twos at various times when they were growing up for all sorts of reasons. I took each of them on city breaks and those one to one times are some of my best memories. One teen missed out on a big family holiday because she didn’t want to go when we were booking and by the time she changed her mind there were only business class seats left so she had to stay home.

Not every child has to be included in every event. As long as over-all they get similar then that’s fine. And your step-daughter obviously get similar because she goes away with her mother and her mothers family, not that it’s your responsibility if she didn’t but it just makes the bashing you’re getting here even more bizarre.

None of my children has a blended family (yet). Should it happen then I’d be nice to any step-children, as I would be to any visiting children, but I wouldn’t have the same relationship with them as my own grandchildren whom I have known and helped care for since birth. I put myself out for them, sometimes it’s bloody hard work and I’d rather not but I do it because I love them enough to want to. I would not do the same for another child. I’d have no more bond to them than other children in the extended family and there’s nothing wrong with that at all.

Anyway, enjoy your holiday with your mother and children, you’re doing nothing wrong at all

Quite the assumption that, upon finding out that OP and her daughter were going on holiday, she either expected to be invited, or was in fact hurt by not being.

Wow!
This thread is insane.
My opinion- you are perfectly fine not to invite your stepdaughter! It all comes down to one simple fact;

She is not your daughter.

You have no responsibility to take her/pay for her/include her.

Personally think it's cheeky of her mum to ask! If she thinks she's missing out then she should take her.

Absolute bollocks to all this blended family treat all kids the same rubbish. It's not possible in almost all situations.

Bloody hell, there are some rabid first wives on this thread

So if someone disagrees with your opinion they must be a “rabid first wife”? Are you a raging misogynist?