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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to DSDs mum

946 replies

RoarRoarBoom · 27/08/2023 20:03

I am taking my kids to Disneyland Paris next year with my mum. My mum is paying for half the trip and I’m paying the other half.

My partner is not coming and isn’t paying towards it. It’s just a trip with my mum and kids. He is all the kids father.

We dropped DSD back home today and she’s told her mum that I’m taking my kids to Disneyland and she’s sent my partner a Whats app asking if I would consider taking DSD on the trip too.

If I say no then she is going to kick off but I don’t want to take her. This is a trip with my mum and her grandkids.

AIBU to say not consider this at all

OP posts:
Tandora · 29/08/2023 13:57

BadNomad · 29/08/2023 11:53

Or has she told her mum who has decided this is a huge injustice and asked for her?

I'm guessing it's that. Why would the girl wait until she is with her mother to ask if she can go to Disney with the others? Surely she would ask her SM or dad. What's likely happened is she has gone home, Mum has said "So tell me about your weekend." SD then told her "Blah blah they're going to Disney next year blah blah". Then mum thought "WHAT! They're going to Disney without my DD. This is OUTRAGEOUS!" and started messaging the DH who has nothing to do with it. She's been before. This isn't something new for her.

That may well be the case, but it shouldn’t just be assumed.

uneffingbelievable · 29/08/2023 14:04

Like many people have said - no issue with you doing what you are doing - just the way you talk and the constant drip feed nd justification of your actions - now of course DSD has been to Disneyland - why not say that at the start.

I quote from your other post - which really emphasises your attitude to your DSD which is where I object to this.

  • We go on days out when she’s not here and never reserve days out for only times she’s here.
  • We go out more when she’s not here as it’s cheaper.
  • We only have here EOW which seemed to be standard when the arrangement was made but from what I read closer to 50/50 seems normal now.
  • I don’t do child care or pick ups/drop offs
  • She doesn’t leave clothing here and takes it all home and brings a bag each week. Her choice but suits me as no laundry for me.
  • We are very much a family still when dsd is not here.
notlucreziaborgia · 29/08/2023 14:07

uneffingbelievable · 29/08/2023 14:04

Like many people have said - no issue with you doing what you are doing - just the way you talk and the constant drip feed nd justification of your actions - now of course DSD has been to Disneyland - why not say that at the start.

I quote from your other post - which really emphasises your attitude to your DSD which is where I object to this.

  • We go on days out when she’s not here and never reserve days out for only times she’s here.
  • We go out more when she’s not here as it’s cheaper.
  • We only have here EOW which seemed to be standard when the arrangement was made but from what I read closer to 50/50 seems normal now.
  • I don’t do child care or pick ups/drop offs
  • She doesn’t leave clothing here and takes it all home and brings a bag each week. Her choice but suits me as no laundry for me.
  • We are very much a family still when dsd is not here.

Not sure why any of that is a problem. A stepparent doesn’t have to provide childcare, and they are still a family whether the stepdaughter is there or not. Life doesn’t stop for them just because she isn’t there.

Original poster
RoarRoarBoom · 29/08/2023 14:27

uneffingbelievable · 29/08/2023 14:04

Like many people have said - no issue with you doing what you are doing - just the way you talk and the constant drip feed nd justification of your actions - now of course DSD has been to Disneyland - why not say that at the start.

I quote from your other post - which really emphasises your attitude to your DSD which is where I object to this.

  • We go on days out when she’s not here and never reserve days out for only times she’s here.
  • We go out more when she’s not here as it’s cheaper.
  • We only have here EOW which seemed to be standard when the arrangement was made but from what I read closer to 50/50 seems normal now.
  • I don’t do child care or pick ups/drop offs
  • She doesn’t leave clothing here and takes it all home and brings a bag each week. Her choice but suits me as no laundry for me.
  • We are very much a family still when dsd is not here.

Right… I stand by everything I said there and this is the third time it’s been brought up so keep up.

-It’s already been made very clear pages ago we do EOW.
-I won’t let my kids miss out on days out if dsd isn’t around.
-It’s her choice to bring clothing each time she comes instead of leaving it here. No one makes her do it.
-Idon’t do picks and drop offs or childcare as I’m not her mum and she has 2 able parents!

We are indeed still a family when dsd isn’t around.

Not sure what drip feeding I have done. The facts were given at the start…. Why my partner isn’t coming is not relevant… how dsd mum talks to him is not relevant!
Also not sure how dsd going to Disneyland when she was in primary school is relevant.
We are talking about a here and now trip, not the past.

OP posts:
Tirediam · 29/08/2023 14:31

This thread is fecking bonkers. So many perfect parents here 🙄
Enjoy Disney land.. this trip has nothing to do with DSD.
I absolutely love going away or out for lunch with my mam and sister. Husband isn’t invited neither is my dad. I don’t understand how some people can’t get their heads around your partner not going.

Sugarfree23 · 29/08/2023 14:41

Op I don't think your being unreasonable not taking her. Its a bit cheeky to have been asked.

It would be totally different if the Dad was going but he's not going.

uneffingbelievable · 29/08/2023 14:47

The facts were not given at the start - DSD now has been to Disneyland - if you had set that at the start it is so less confrontational but then I think you like winding people up.
Your posts come across as DSD is an inconvenience - we all get doing things with your DCS is your priority ( hell you keep on saying it) but not reserving the odd special trip for when she is there seems intentionally cruel.

Agree you do not need to provide child care but when she is only there 2/ 14 then little chance you are going to be asked to anyway.

Your general attitude comes across as really hard towards this child - it is not her fault and not yours that her parents split up. However, you come across as showing your DSD, what life would be like if she did have parents who lived together as a point of pride and to win one over on a child.

Maybe a little less aggression in your manner would help - am sure this girl knows, she gets very little from her Dad and his family - because that is what you are saying repeatedly.

WildFlowerBees · 29/08/2023 14:53

I always find it amusing to see the same posters posting over and over to doggedly argue their point. It's tedious and who has time for that? Some folk have way too much time on their hands.

fgsstopbs · 29/08/2023 14:53

@uneffingbelievable are we reading the same OP's posts.

Enjoy your break with your mum and kids OP. I wouldn't be bringing my SD either. Let your partner deal with his ex.

CherryMaDeara · 29/08/2023 14:58

uneffingbelievable · 29/08/2023 14:04

Like many people have said - no issue with you doing what you are doing - just the way you talk and the constant drip feed nd justification of your actions - now of course DSD has been to Disneyland - why not say that at the start.

I quote from your other post - which really emphasises your attitude to your DSD which is where I object to this.

  • We go on days out when she’s not here and never reserve days out for only times she’s here.
  • We go out more when she’s not here as it’s cheaper.
  • We only have here EOW which seemed to be standard when the arrangement was made but from what I read closer to 50/50 seems normal now.
  • I don’t do child care or pick ups/drop offs
  • She doesn’t leave clothing here and takes it all home and brings a bag each week. Her choice but suits me as no laundry for me.
  • We are very much a family still when dsd is not here.

So bizarre, why do you need OP to be doing laundry and the school run?

What need does it fulfil in you for a step-mother to be doing these domestic tasks which the child's own parents are more than capable of doing?

Hibiscrubbed · 29/08/2023 15:09

Ixoral · 29/08/2023 10:46

Have a lovely time with your mum OP and take plenty of photo’s of her with her daughter & her grandchildren. Perhaps print some photo’s and put them in an album as a surprise Christmas present for your mum as a thank you.

Some of the posts on this thread are crazy, you could say the sky was blue & some would argue that it wasn’t

Some of the posts on this thread are crazy, you could say the sky was blue & some would argue that it wasn’t

They would argue that you must see what colour the stepkids think it is, and if they think the sky is pink, then it is, and that by denying that you’re both neglectful and overstepping and you should stay in your lane, but also accommodate every whim of your stepchildren and their mother, at the cost of your own children and yourself. At all costs. Otherwise you’re a cunt.

CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 29/08/2023 15:26

Honestly I think some people will twist things every which way to make you look like an arsehole OP.

I see precisely nothing wrong with you taking your children away with you and your mum. You'd (as a couple) be unreasonable if all of you, including DSD's dad, were going not to include her unless she was already away with her mum, but neither of her biological parents will be there!

And if the issue is it's so unfair not to include half siblings every time there is a treat, why does that not also hold true regarding all the holidays DSD goes on with her Mum? Because OP's DC are her step siblings afterall, why doesn't she take them too? I mean if that argument holds true it goes both ways surely?

OP if I was you I'd step away from all those on the thread determined to paint you as the devil simply because you are a step mum....

BathingBeauty · 29/08/2023 16:54
  • We are very much a family still when dsd is not here.

I don’t understand this, what’s the problem. Is someone suggesting they aren’t a family when SD isn’t there. Is SD also not in a family when she is with her mum?

SavetheNHS · 29/08/2023 17:01

This thread is very OTT. I hope you have a lovely holiday OP and ignore anyone who judges you.

CrabbyMcPatty · 29/08/2023 17:17

uneffingbelievable · 29/08/2023 14:04

Like many people have said - no issue with you doing what you are doing - just the way you talk and the constant drip feed nd justification of your actions - now of course DSD has been to Disneyland - why not say that at the start.

I quote from your other post - which really emphasises your attitude to your DSD which is where I object to this.

  • We go on days out when she’s not here and never reserve days out for only times she’s here.
  • We go out more when she’s not here as it’s cheaper.
  • We only have here EOW which seemed to be standard when the arrangement was made but from what I read closer to 50/50 seems normal now.
  • I don’t do child care or pick ups/drop offs
  • She doesn’t leave clothing here and takes it all home and brings a bag each week. Her choice but suits me as no laundry for me.
  • We are very much a family still when dsd is not here.

What's wrong with any of those statements?

liverpoolgal82 · 29/08/2023 17:31

Yep it’s bonkers here! I think the problem like many threads is that many don’t read properly and comprehend what’s being said and go with their own narrative instead. Op of course it’s normal to go away with your own children on your own. If husband was going then it’s normal for all children to go or not fair.

I wouldn’t go with the angle that it’s a holiday for your mum to spend time with grandkids as that excludes dsd as a grandchild. That seems mean. In our family my step nephew is as much a grandchild to my parents as the rest. Same value money/presents etc spent. But if you’re going with your kids without husband then it’s fair enough I think.

MeetMyCat · 29/08/2023 18:28

SavetheNHS · 29/08/2023 17:01

This thread is very OTT. I hope you have a lovely holiday OP and ignore anyone who judges you.

Hear hear!

paulaparticles · 29/08/2023 18:47

Your boyfriend isn't invited as then dsd would have to be invited and you don't want her there. As dsd has already been and likely talks of it you now want your children to go and experience it. Nothing wrong with that apart from you seem to be getting some thrill from upsetting dsd and boyfriends ex. Which is the whole point of the holiday. The End.

MeetMyCat · 29/08/2023 19:36

paulaparticles · 29/08/2023 18:47

Your boyfriend isn't invited as then dsd would have to be invited and you don't want her there. As dsd has already been and likely talks of it you now want your children to go and experience it. Nothing wrong with that apart from you seem to be getting some thrill from upsetting dsd and boyfriends ex. Which is the whole point of the holiday. The End.

What a nasty post.

Original poster
RoarRoarBoom · 29/08/2023 20:35

MeetMyCat · 29/08/2023 19:36

What a nasty post.

Show quote history

I just found it laughable. They must be a clown for a living.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 29/08/2023 20:38

BathingBeauty · 29/08/2023 16:54

  • We are very much a family still when dsd is not here.

I don’t understand this, what’s the problem. Is someone suggesting they aren’t a family when SD isn’t there. Is SD also not in a family when she is with her mum?

You'd understand it if you'd been subject to as many "aren't you a unit/your whole family isn't there" type comments from people on here complaining when a step parent does something without their SC.

funinthesun19 · 29/08/2023 23:14

CrazyHedgehogLover · 29/08/2023 08:17

@CrabbyMcPatty kind of is when OP has stated that if her husband wanted to take her he would have to take ALL of the children with him.

so it does stop her parents from taking her, only leaves the stepdaughters mum left to take her..

just out of curiosity OP would you have a problem if he took your stepdaughter on holiday WHILST your on holiday? Couldn’t that be an option? Might not be Disneyland but there’s plenty of other destinations he could take her to, or would you be pissed off.

Somewhere like Disney yes, of course he should take ALL of his children with him. Why shouldn’t his youngest enjoy it with him too?

If he goes and books a holiday to Greece, does his eldest not get to come with him because it’s quality time for his youngest with him and she’s already been so screw her? Because that’s pretty much what you’re saying about his child with OP - “Screw you. You’ve already been. No need for you to have fun with your dad”.

Something that can be done twice but separately is different. I can’t really see him booking two different holidays to Disney. Why should his one holiday to Disney just be for one of his children when he’s a dad of two?

Sugarfree23 · 30/08/2023 00:24

@funinthesun19 did you miss the bit that the Dad is staying at home?

It's mum & granny going to Disney

Helpmepleaseimbusy · 30/08/2023 00:25

funinthesun19 · 29/08/2023 23:14

Somewhere like Disney yes, of course he should take ALL of his children with him. Why shouldn’t his youngest enjoy it with him too?

If he goes and books a holiday to Greece, does his eldest not get to come with him because it’s quality time for his youngest with him and she’s already been so screw her? Because that’s pretty much what you’re saying about his child with OP - “Screw you. You’ve already been. No need for you to have fun with your dad”.

Something that can be done twice but separately is different. I can’t really see him booking two different holidays to Disney. Why should his one holiday to Disney just be for one of his children when he’s a dad of two?

Show quote history

The point is that all the children are his. DSD is not the OPs child. DSD does go on FAMILY holidays, but this is solely with OP and her mother along with the kids. No grandad and no dad and NO RELATION to the adults on the trip.
I'm pretty sure if he took each child alone on holiday it wouldn't be an issue.
I know quite a few families where this has happened. Each child goes separately with the mum or dad in turns. It's actually good for bonding.
This thread has really brought out a nasty crazed side to people.
I hope the OP and her side of family have a wonderful time along with her kids.

RobertaFirmino · 30/08/2023 00:54

It's blindingly obvious that this is not a bog standard family holiday. Clearly, OP wants quality time with her own DM while she is still here (I'm sorry if that sounds blunt). This isn't about the children really, it's about their grandmother. Whilst I detest the phrase 'making memories ', that is what
this trip is for.