To say no to DSDs mum

[RoarRoarBoom]

I am taking my kids to Disneyland Paris next year with my mum. My mum is paying for half the trip and I’m paying the other half.

My partner is not coming and isn’t paying towards it. It’s just a trip with my mum and kids. He is all the kids father.

We dropped DSD back home today and she’s told her mum that I’m taking my kids to Disneyland and she’s sent my partner a Whats app asking if I would consider taking DSD on the trip too.

If I say no then she is going to kick off but I don’t want to take her. This is a trip with my mum and her grandkids.

AIBU to say not consider this at all

Neither is the stepdaughter, for the same reason. And indeed every other family member that isn’t OP’s mother or child.

You’ll never win on here op.

I don’t get everyone’s issue mind.
Dsd holidays with her mum is fine.
You holiday with your children and all hell breaks lose ffs.

This is nothing different to dsd holidaying with own mother. The father is not going, it’s not a family holiday is a mum taking her children away.

Of course they are family - extended family . Maybe the OP should invite cousins etc too ??
Just imagine for a minute that OP took her DSD and the girl had a mishap. Wonder who would be blamed ? She would probably be accused of not looking after her properly.
This thread is crazy.

No ones asking or expecting you to include them in ‘everything you do’ but if you plan a trip, specifically for the grandkids enjoyment, and leave the only one out who isn’t blood related it’s bound to cause a bit of upset.. no?

Op I hope you have a fantastic time. I can understand why DSD is disappointed because it is Disneyland after all which sounds much more exciting than Greece to a child.

But I don’t see anything wrong with the arrangements you’ve made. She still gets the family holidays with you, her siblings and her dad, she gets a trip abroad with her mum and she gets one on one time with her dad while you abs her siblings are away. I’d be reminding her of how lucky she is to have all that and making it clear to her that this is not a family trip. I’m sure once she is aware that her dad is not going and that you are going with your mum she will realise that she hasn’t been left out at all

It's a blended family, not a nuclear or adoptive one. The kids have different homes and mothers and relatives and lives and this doesn't have to be painted as a bad thing. It's just reality.
DSD has already been to Disney with her own maternal family. You are saying that because their mother chose a man who had kids before they were born, OPs children should not get a trip to Disney with their maternal family.
Which is rather cold/cruel/selective of you, in my opinion.
And blending absolutely is about picking and choosing as not one model will suit all families.

It's not about blood. If it was OP's adopted child or a child that OP has full time at her house then I'm sure she would be included, because the DGM would have a bond with her. But the DGM only sees DSD briefly, not enough time to build a bond.

She’s left out the stepdaughter on account of her not being her granddaughter! She isn’t the only grandchild being left out, given that she isn’t a grandchild. It’s not like she’s unaware that she isn’t OP’s mother’s grandchild either.

It’s up to her parents to teach her about managing her disappointment, rather than teaching her she’s entitled to get what she wants.

Of course she can, but that begs the question of why she’s here seeking validation on the internet then is she feels so right in her decision?

I hope the different viewpoints have helped with whatever she needed to clarify in her own mind, blended families are difficult and there are no rules, you can only my do your best.

No ones asking or expecting you to include them in ‘everything you do’ but if you plan a trip, specifically for the grandkids enjoyment, and leave the only one out who isn’t blood related it’s bound to cause a bit of upset.. no?

You did not listen to my explanation about it not being about blood at all. Another poster has now explained it to you again.

She is not the same as the other children in every way except blood, like an adopted child. That would be harsh but it is not the case here. She is different to the other children entirely in terms of her relationship with OP and her mother by virtue of her not being OPs adopted child - she is her step child but she has her own mother (and presumably grandmother). She does not have a mother/daughter relationship with OP or a grandmother/granddaughter relationship with OPs mother. It is very probable that she herself is aware of this and does not view either woman in those terms so will not be thinking "why are all the grandchildren but me invited" - she will know she is not her grandchild.

Because frustrated people come here to vent, and/or they’re curious as to how many people would react in the same way as the stepdaughter’s mother. It doesn’t need to have a deeper meaning than that, but of course people like to read what they want to in a situation. However, not everyone posts because they lack confidence in their own decisions, or because they’re interested in having their minds changed.

OP has already got this sorted.

It’s fine to disagree, you won’t change my mind on what ‘family’ means to me. And I wouldn’t try and change your mind on what ‘family’ means to you.

the fact that OP is here in the first place and has looked to add her onto the trip means to me that something is not sitting quite right with her, fair play to her for asking for other opinions on a sensitive subject.

No one is trying to change your mind as to what family means. You’re absolutely entitled to decide that for yourself, same as OP is free to make that decision for herself too.

and if that’s what you want to consider to be the reason for OP posting, fair enough. That’s up to you too. Doesn’t make it true though 🤷🏻‍♀️

I would hazard a guess that OP and DH can’t afford a trip to Disney just them (and all the kids) as a family and the ONLY reason they are able to go is because OPs mum is paying half, that’s not really a good enough reason to leave any of the kids out IMO, basically they’ve orchestrated this to only be blood relatives and if you’re not related by blood you can’t come

Your guess would be wrong. I can afford to go to Disneyworld in the US tomorrow if I wanted too and my mum knows that.
So no The ONLY reason I’m going is not because my mum is paying half and frankly that’s bloody insulting. I would never use my mum like that. She’s not a bank, she’s my mother!

I’m going with my mum because I love her, I like spending time with her, she isn’t getting any younger and I want her grandkids to have lovely childhood memories of her and to be frank after her serious health scare recently I’m hugely aware that you never know how much time you have left with your parents. She’s never been to Disney and would like to experience it too at least once in her life.

and yes HER GRANDKIDS, which does not include my stepdaughter as harsh as you may think that is.

This

DSD's mum is really cheeky sending passive aggressive messages demanding you take DSD on holiday, despite the fact that neither her mother or father will not be there. It would be totally different if DSD's father was going but he is not. Stay firm OP.

Have a lovely time with your mum OP and take plenty of photo’s of her with her daughter & her grandchildren. Perhaps print some photo’s and put them in an album as a surprise Christmas present for your mum as a thank you.

Some of the posts on this thread are crazy, you could say the sky was blue & some would argue that it wasn’t

Well I wouldn't word it like that or you'd sound like a right nonse...

Where has OP said she is looking to add DSD to the trip? Have I missed it?

What is a 'nonse'?

For heavens sakes, not all blended families are the same! Clearly the OP as stepmother takes more of a backseat when it comes to her DSD, probably because both her DH and DSD's DM prefer it that way.

So there is limited involvement for DSD with the wider family because she is simply not there as much, and prioritises time with her DF when she is.

It's not hurtful to acknowledge that she isn't equal in standing to her half siblings for her DSM, but it would be hurtful if it was for her DF.

I find that that these threads are full of non step parents who cannot imagine what it's like to be a blended family.

Dsd has parents neither are going on this trip. Op should go away with her children and her mother and have a bloody good time.

Why doesn't she invite the mum and their parents also, make it one big happy family holiday 🙄 MN is not indicative of how many people think. It's a melting pot for judgmental women using it as an outlet for their own shit.

specifically for the grandkids enjoyment

DSD isn't OPs mother's grandkid?... quite clearly that's not the relationship they have so why would she be included in a trip for OPs mothers grandkids? I don't think it has much at all to do with blood, just the relationships people end up with.

Would people have a problem if OP wasn't going at all and it was just the grandmother raking the kids?

as DSD has already asked if she can come to Disneyland

Has she? Or has she told her mum who has decided this is a huge injustice and asked for her?

The stepdaughter is clearly a teenager, not every teen would want to go to DLP. She could have simply mentioned it and the angst is all coming from her mum.

Or has she told her mum who has decided this is a huge injustice and asked for her?

I'm guessing it's that. Why would the girl wait until she is with her mother to ask if she can go to Disney with the others? Surely she would ask her SM or dad. What's likely happened is she has gone home, Mum has said "So tell me about your weekend." SD then told her "Blah blah they're going to Disney next year blah blah". Then mum thought "WHAT! They're going to Disney without my DD. This is OUTRAGEOUS!" and started messaging the DH who has nothing to do with it. She's been before. This isn't something new for her.