To say no to DSDs mum

[RoarRoarBoom]

I am taking my kids to Disneyland Paris next year with my mum. My mum is paying for half the trip and I’m paying the other half.

My partner is not coming and isn’t paying towards it. It’s just a trip with my mum and kids. He is all the kids father.

We dropped DSD back home today and she’s told her mum that I’m taking my kids to Disneyland and she’s sent my partner a Whats app asking if I would consider taking DSD on the trip too.

If I say no then she is going to kick off but I don’t want to take her. This is a trip with my mum and her grandkids.

AIBU to say not consider this at all

Just wondering if DH has spoken to mum yet? And if she has said anything? :)

What is she missing out on in this particular scenario? She's going on holiday with her mum around the same time like her half siblings are doing with their mum, her dad isn't going so she can still see him as usual (the person she's actually there to see first and foremost) and can actually spend a bit of 1:1 time with him. What is it DSD is missing out on?

If her dad was going I'd agree she's missing out on a holiday with her father. But he isn't. She may be missing out on a holiday with her siblings but they are missing out on a holiday with their sibling when she goes so it's not actually unequal in that sense. All siblings are holidaying with their mother, who just happen to be different people. No one is holidaying with their dad, who is the same. I'm failing to see what's so unequal.

It's always the case on these threads. You can do things alone with your own DC so long as they are boring enough for DSC not to enjoy them too, otherwise then it becomes "oh but they are family, it's mean, you're rejecting them" when in reality no one would bat an eyelid if OP were taking her kids to the local museum, it's really just because the kid wants to go somewhere cool. No one is stopping her parents from taking her though.

@sandyhappypeople OP has said many times in her responses that her DH coming (and bringing DSD) would turn the trip with her mum into a family holiday that she is a tag along to, despite her paying half. I think throughout her comments, it's quite clear that OP does not want her DH to come because she simply wants to go on a trip with her mum who has recently been unwell, not a family holiday. She wants to spend one on one time with her and her grandkids. I don't find that hard to understand - presuming you're in a relationship, were you happy to never see your mum alone again, or would you still like to have those times?

@CrabbyMcPatty kind of is when OP has stated that if her husband wanted to take her he would have to take ALL of the children with him.

so it does stop her parents from taking her, only leaves the stepdaughters mum left to take her..

just out of curiosity OP would you have a problem if he took your stepdaughter on holiday WHILST your on holiday? Couldn’t that be an option? Might not be Disneyland but there’s plenty of other destinations he could take her to, or would you be pissed off.

is going on a holiday without her half siblings just like they are without her.

I think the point is, OPs kids have never been on holiday with DSD mum and there’s no expectation that they ever would be invited.

DSD DOES normally go away with OP (unless she has alternate plans) so there is an expectation there that she WOULD automatically be included, and in this instance OP has just chosen not to, fair enough, that’s her choice.

I think that’s what’s what posters are struggling with, and it doesn’t sit entirely right with me either, the fact that it is a specific ‘kids’ holiday (Disney) and she’s the only kid not invited seems quite cold of OP and DSD is obviously affected by the decision in some way, that is why she has gone home and mentioned it to her mum, we don’t know what level of upset it has caused, but if DSD wasn’t bothered by it, I doubt it would even have come up.

kind of is when OP has stated that if her husband wanted to take her he would have to take ALL of the children with him

Erm because they are all his kids? Do you not find it a tad hypocritical that OP is given shit for not including all the kids (when they aren't even all her kids) yet the dad would be encouraged to take just one when they are all his?

The point is, if dad took just one or two of HIS kids away, the others would be missing out on a holiday with their Dad.

I don't necessarily think this is a problem providing dad also has similar 1:1 quality time with his children with OP too, I.e. goes on holiday with just them and not DSD, if that's the case then it's no issue taking just DSD too.

But if he's the type to refuse to go on holiday without DSD then he shouldn't be going without his other children either because that would make him a huge hypocrite.

I'd agree... if her dad were going. But he isn't. OP doesn't have to include DSD in everything she does by herself with her children imo. And she doesn't have to make said trips sufficiently boring enough either.

The DAD of ALL of the children could quite easily suggest a family trip to disney another time if he's so concerned. But I suspect like most of the time, he won't and people will continue to make out like its OPs problem to do so instead.

i twigged early on in the thread that the DH wasn’t actually invited, although she kept it vague and didn’t admit that for quite a while, just kept saying ‘mum and daughter holiday’ as if that was the plan all along (it wasn’t) but that’s honestly fine, I voted YANBU in the beginning. But it doesn’t really explain why DSD was not included in that, personal choice for OP to make though.

she’s now said if her dad would have come, DH and DSD would have come too, but her dad chose not to so OP didn’t want DH there either.. but that honestly doesn’t explain why DH not being there means DSD is automatically excluded. if it was a new relationship I could understand but she’s been her DSD for 10 years + it seems cold to exclude her from a ‘kids’ specific holiday.

my mum died before I had my family, but I wouldn’t have accepted an invitation to a ‘kids’ holiday with my mum and purposely excluded only one of the kids, step child or not, it’s bound to cause hurt on some level. I actually wouldn’t have not invited my DH either, as he’s a big kid and would love Disney and enjoy the experience of seeing the kids go there. But that’s my experience, I can understand OP not inviting her DH so she can keep it her and her mum as the only two adults.

id only have gone away with my mum on holiday with my child if my DH was okay with not going OR I didn’t give a shit what he thought about it, but I don’t think anyone is bothered if OPs DH goes or not as that is not what has caused the upset and that isn’t what the thread is about.

Does everyone else’s kids always get exactly the same, even taking the step thing out of the equation?

we’ll quite often take the kids away separately. One of mine is off to Disney (Florida!!) with her friend next Easter. It never occurred to me that somehow dc2 will feel like they’ve missed out or should be included.

dc1 has been all over the world on various trips with one of us for their sport. When dc were younger we’d all go, now one of us will and we’ll make a bit of a holiday out of it.

we’ve obviously paid quite a bit for all this, but again it’s never occurred to us to “equalise” stepdc either. But her mum’s parenting choices are different so they’ve not had the same opportunities.

I can't believe people are still banging on about this. People go batshit when holidays and stepkids are mentioned. It's mad.

But it doesn’t really explain why DSD was not included in that, personal choice for OP to make though.

I mean, I feel like you're asking her to spell out something she has made pretty obvious. DSD isn't going because she and her DM wanted to go away with her GC, and she does not see DSD as her GC. Surely you know that, even if you don't agree with it?

“i twigged early on in the thread that the DH wasn’t actually invited, although she kept it vague and didn’t admit that for quite a while, just kept saying ‘mum and daughter holiday’ as if that was the plan all along (it wasn’t) but that’s honestly fine, I voted YANBU in the beginning. But it doesn’t really explain why DSD was not included in that, personal choice for OP to make though.”

It really does though, on account of the stepdaughter not being OP’s child or her mother’s grandchild.

No of course she doesn’t have to include DSD, I agree, but if it is going to cause hurt somewhere along the line to exclude one child from your blended family then the repercussions should be carefully considered beforehand, not just thought about as an afterthought, DSD should not really be an afterthought, but she IS because OP has now looked into tagging her on but it’s too expensive, and the reason she is her making a thread here seems like something is niggling at her and she wants validation that’s she’s done nothing wrong. That’s why she made out it was just a mum daughter holiday and has took ages to admit that there’s more to it then that. I’ve actually changed my mind and do think under the circumstances now that’s she’s unreasonable not to have included DSD, but that’s just my opinion, I wouldn’t try and force anyone to agree with it.

I would hazard a guess that OP and DH can’t afford a trip to Disney just them (and all the kids) as a family and the ONLY reason they are able to go is because OPs mum is paying half, that’s not really a good enough reason to leave any of the kids out IMO, basically they’ve orchestrated this to only be blood relatives and if you’re not related by blood you can’t come.

No, she’s her step child, she’s not a friend of the family or a perfect stranger, she’s been her step daughter for 10 + years.

not sharing the same bloodline isn’t a good enough reason to exclude someone from a family holiday IMO, just my opinion though, feel free to disagree.

And why shouldn't OP "orchestrate" for her own children to have an amazing experience with their own mother and grandmother?
After all, they didn't choose to be in a blended family any more than the DSD did, yet her mother is free to "orchestrate" whatever holidays she likes for her own child.

Yes, the stepdaughter. That’s distinct from ‘daughter’ and ‘granddaughter’. So again, she’s not invited on account of not being OP’s child, or her mother’s grandchild.

I honestly think some people completely lose the plot when it comes to SM on MN ! OP is expected to treat her DSD EXACTLY the same as her own DC but does she have the same rights when it comes to decisions eg schooling ? I bet not !
I am a SM to 2 wonderful DSD who are now adults but when DH and I got together many moons ago ( no I wasn’t the OW!) it was made crystal clear to me by their DM that any decisions about the girls were between her and my DH . Fair enough .
Yet she expected me to look after the girls during holidays if neither she nor DH couldn’t !
Bonkers.

@sandyhappypeople But you surely KNOW it is other people's opinion, so you are being obtuse by claiming not to understand why OP hasn't invited her. You know why, you just don't agree.

Personally, not including DSC in everything I do with my kids is not really about blood specifically, it's about my relationship to them. If I adopted a child, they would not have my blood but would be my child as much as my biological children and would be included in everything. But my SC, by virtue of being my SC and having two parents already, is not my child. They are a part of my family but only in the same way nieces/nephews, cousins or PIL are. It doesn't make them my child and mean I will include them in everything I do, even if it has nothing to do with my DP, their dad.

It’s not a family holiday - her Dad isn’t going !

Exactly! That’s the point, OP DID choose to be in a blended family, the adults here are the ones that have made the decisions on behalf of the children.

You have responsibilities when you become a blended family, you shouldn’t just pick and choose when it suits you.

That too. It’s a grandmother - daughter - grandchild trip. Every family member that isn’t one of those is excluded, and that’s totally fair enough.

A child wanting something doesn’t mean a child must get something. It’s up to her parents to manage her expectations and teach her exactly that.

So her half siblings aren’t family then?

her dad isn’t going because he’s not invited.. but different.

You have responsibilities when you become a blended family, you shouldn’t just pick and choose when it suits you.

You know full well that others do not agree with you on what those responsibilities are. They aren't picking and choosing - they never think they are responsible for acting like their SC is their child.

OP absolutely can just ‘pick and choose’ what suits her, given that there’s no one rule for blended families that she must adhere to.