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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to dislike being called tall?

208 replies

Wednesdayweekday · 27/08/2023 09:18

Brief context: I’m between 5’8 and 5’9, so above average but not some kind of giant, have suffered a lifetime of bullying (though not necessarily about height) and am also naturally self conscious.

I’ve found some people make comments about me being tall. My ex’s grandma (from a family of wildly below-average height people) once simply said to me at a Christmas gathering “aren’t you tall?”

I didn’t know her, probably met her maybe twice? We’d never held a conversation with one another other than to say hello. I felt it was unnecessary and a bit insensitive.

Yesterday I was at a wedding as my boyfriend’s plus 1 (his sons wedding). I didn’t know anyone, never met them before. We were conversing with another couple, who my bf had known for many years. At one point, the man in the couple (not very tall himself) made a comment along the lines of “you’re a tall girl” or similar. No reason for it, and didn’t sound malicious, but I just felt wildly uncomfortable, and a bit annoyed. I was wearing heels (always as low as possible because of being conscious of myself and NOT wanting to look too tall) so slightly above my usual height. (Not the case at the Christmas gathering situation above).

In both these situations I feel it would be inappropriate for my reply to be “and you’re very short aren’t you?”, and it would be even MORE offensive for me to bring it up out of nowhere “gosh, aren’t you short?”

Is it just me? I think that any body-related comments are completely inappropriate: mentioning someone’s height, weight, hair colour, or literally any other defining characteristic. Especially when you don’t know the person from Adam?!

I find it honestly bizarre and insulting. I realise this probably isn’t the intention, but you’ve no idea how people feel about themselves. Anything more than a generic “you look nice” (if you really MUST comment on appearance) feels inappropriate to me.

There have been other instances too, but this recent one just made me want to ask other’s opinions?

OP posts:
PrincessHoneysuckle · 27/08/2023 14:29

I'm 5ft 10 and don't often get comments tbh

girljulian · 27/08/2023 14:31

I agree with PP, it’s meant to be a compliment because being tall is seen as desirable whereas being short is an inadequacy, traditionally, but yeah, it’s rude! You are quite tall at 5’8 but not remarkably so. I am 5’5 which I think is pretty much exactly average — I know people a bit taller and people a bit shorter than me and I’m usually in the middle.

However, when I was at primary school I was always the tallest in my class (while also being the youngest) and teachers used to regularly describe me as a “big strong girl” and then ask me to help carry chairs and things. They clearly thought this was complimentary phrasing but it just made me feel like they were calling me fat. Wish people would just learn to say nothing!

Wanderingowl · 27/08/2023 14:31

I guess we all feel how we feel but I get commentary on my shortness all the time and it couldn't bother me less. I am short, whatever. Comment, don't comment, I don't care.

Spirallingdownwards · 27/08/2023 14:31

The reality is people do comment on how short people are too. As I know full well.

Original poster
Wednesdayweekday · 27/08/2023 14:33

Hellsbellsandspidersankles · 27/08/2023 12:06

”you’re a tall girl” or similar. No reason for it, and didn’t sound malicious, but I just felt wildly uncomfortable, and a bit annoyed
This is an extreme reaction?!
Do you think being tall is a negative thing? (You’re not that tall, anyway)
If he’d said fat I could understand your discomfort, but a comment on someone’s height shouldn’t be upsetting at all.
Imagining it to be potentially malicious says more about your own hang ups, really.

Why is it extreme? Why is it ok for someone to feel insecure about their weight, and it to be incredibly rude for someone to call them fat, but no one is allowed to feel conscious of always being one of the tallest women, and it’s somehow NOT rude to then point out to them how tall they are?

You can’t dictate to anyone what attribute they can or can’t feel conscious about. Even if you have the same attribute, you haven’t walked in their shoes.

I outright said it didn’t seem malicious, so not sure why you’ve completely misquoted me there. My point is that it was insensitive and rude. Completely unnecessary, in the same way it would be rude and unnecessary for me to point out he was short and bald. I just wouldn’t have done it.

OP posts:
Crispyperifries · 27/08/2023 14:39

I’m taller than you and honestly can’t remember the last time someone mentioned my height, must be years ago when I was a young teen and taller than everyone else at that stage. Strange that you seem to be getting so many comments.

Wanderingowl · 27/08/2023 14:41

Western societal belief is that tall is positive, short is negative.

I really don't think that's true at all or more accurately that's true for men. If anything, the opposite is true for women.

Interestingly we also have better overall health, age slower and as a consequence live notably longer.

Anomummy · 27/08/2023 14:51

Wednesdayweekday · 27/08/2023 09:28

It’s more a genuine question as to why it’s ok to say “you’re tall” but feels inappropriate to comment on any other bodily feature? Not something I think of daily or anything, just happened yesterday and thought I’d put it out there! I don’t lose sleep, but it annoys me at the time.

I guess if you’re someone that enjoys being a bit taller, so enjoy the comments, or doesn’t get comments, then you wouldn’t consider it.

Show quote history

I think most people think commenting on being tall is pretty inoffensive comment and is unlikely to be misconstrued as anything other than a passing comment or noting that it comes with advantages, or that they are a little jealous..... I'm 5'11 and have never thought to take the comments as anything else.

*Would only comment on the height of a shorter person if they were a very close friend as part of our banter......

Alopeciabop · 27/08/2023 14:53

Yes it’s rude. I’m 5’7/8 and get this. Hate it. It’s always said with marvel as if they’ve never seen anyone teach the towering heights you have. Like we’ve just wandered out of a sideshow. Literally makes no sense either. Im not actually that tall. Neither are you..

honestly makes me want to cry when people do this as I am not (after a life time of these bloody comments) happy with my height. I want to be shorter.

I think the thing to do is say something along the lines of “oh I know thanks” with a swish of the hair, or “I know I’m so lucky I take after my dad’s side”

Original poster
Wednesdayweekday · 27/08/2023 14:54

Anomummy · 27/08/2023 14:51

I think most people think commenting on being tall is pretty inoffensive comment and is unlikely to be misconstrued as anything other than a passing comment or noting that it comes with advantages, or that they are a little jealous..... I'm 5'11 and have never thought to take the comments as anything else.

*Would only comment on the height of a shorter person if they were a very close friend as part of our banter......

Show quote history

But there’s nothing wrong with being short is there? Also has advantages, and some people may desire to be petite….. but interesting that you wouldn’t comment on their height isn’t it?

Hopefully people are starting to realise that commenting that someone is tall is just as likely to be considered rude as commenting that someone is short.

OP posts:
Anomummy · 27/08/2023 15:03

I've certainly had shorter friends who find advantages in it but also the majority do dislike being called short or having it pointed out as they feel like someone is saying that they aren't "tall enough" and therefore lacking somehow. I've not come across someone who's above average height before that's had a problem with it being pointed out though.

You've every right to be narked by it if it bothers you but I also think that you'll be hard pushed to go though life with no comments as it's seen as inoffensive and on the whole not a negative.

Jamtartforme · 27/08/2023 15:05

It’s hilarious how many short or even average men are triggered by tall women! Just ignore, their feelings of inadequacy aren’t your problem

yourmotherknitssocksinhell · 27/08/2023 15:07

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Previously banned poster.

Mercurial123 · 27/08/2023 15:12

Wednesdayweekday · 27/08/2023 14:04

If I was being sensitive I’d have gone and cried in a corner. Instead I just felt miffed and thought “how rude and ignorant”. I then wondered if others felt the same.

Even if someone is thick skinned, which you wouldn’t know anyway if they’re a stranger, it’s not appropriate to make comments on their physical attributes.

We don’t need people to tell us how tall we are - we have tape measures, we walk about amongst other folk every days. It’s not something we need to be informed about.

Show quote history

It's been years since someone commented on my height. It's never bothered me when someone has. If someone has an issue, it's their problem.

nj32 · 27/08/2023 15:14

As someone who is the same height I feel your pain. School was miserable at times due to being the tall girl with 4 eyes. No one wanted to sit behind me. It doesn't bother me so much now although I have an almost adult son who hasn't reached my height which frustrates him.

Original poster
Wednesdayweekday · 27/08/2023 15:15

Anomummy · 27/08/2023 15:03

I've certainly had shorter friends who find advantages in it but also the majority do dislike being called short or having it pointed out as they feel like someone is saying that they aren't "tall enough" and therefore lacking somehow. I've not come across someone who's above average height before that's had a problem with it being pointed out though.

You've every right to be narked by it if it bothers you but I also think that you'll be hard pushed to go though life with no comments as it's seen as inoffensive and on the whole not a negative.

Yes that’s the point, I was playing devils advocate…. your short friends don’t want to be called out for being short, even though there’s nothing inherently wrong with being short. Just like tall folk don’t want to be called out for being tall. It can make one feel “too tall” or noticeably different if someone exclaims how tall you are.

We generally just accept these unwanted observations, consider the giver of such observation as rude, and never mention it - probably why you’ve never known anyone be bothered by it before. But I think this thread shows that it’s just as rude as calling someone short.

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 27/08/2023 15:16

Never bothered me (I’m only 5.8 but was tall amongst my peer group). It always seemed meant as a positive.

aSofaNearYou · 27/08/2023 15:18

Hopefully people are starting to realise that commenting that someone is tall is just as likely to be considered rude as commenting that someone is short.

I genuinely don't think it's true that it is AS likely to be considered rude. I agree it's possible people might find it rude but I think it's much more likely people would consider short rude. That belief is just more widespread.

ThelmaBorden · 27/08/2023 15:18

other tall people will not make these hightist comments, in my experience
only shorter, looking up at you
I was always tall as a child, heard this regularly, as though I wouldn’t have noticed?!

Our elderly neighbour would regularly make comments to myself and tall siblings which were meant to pass for humour -
as in -
What’s the weather like up there? or
If you fall over you’ll be halfway home!
and the like
harmless
he must have been all of 4’9”

Original poster
Wednesdayweekday · 27/08/2023 15:35

aSofaNearYou · 27/08/2023 15:18

Hopefully people are starting to realise that commenting that someone is tall is just as likely to be considered rude as commenting that someone is short.

I genuinely don't think it's true that it is AS likely to be considered rude. I agree it's possible people might find it rude but I think it's much more likely people would consider short rude. That belief is just more widespread.

I think the number of comments from tall people in this thread shows you that it’s just as likely to be considered rude. The thing is because people like you are of the opinion that “it’s fine” “it’s not an insult” “it’s a compliment, so take it as one” we feel unable to speak up and say how we feel about it.

Even if, as you say, it’s just a possibility that the comment may be seen as rude, that suggests that the comment should remain unsaid.

OP posts:
BlackJumpsuit · 27/08/2023 15:39

Spirallingdownwards · 27/08/2023 14:31

The reality is people do comment on how short people are too. As I know full well.

Absolutely this!

I was endlessly teased at school for being short, even teachers and complete strangers seemed to think it was ok to comment negatively on it. In fact it went on through university and into early adult life, and I hated it every time. It added to my low self esteem and poor sense of self worth.

It's an implication of not being enough, being an inferior specimen, defective.

So OP I can 100% sympathise with you if you are teased for your height. It is one of the few things about us that we cannot control or change. It's upsetting and unnecessary.

Puffypuffin · 27/08/2023 15:45

I get short arse, people resting their elbow on my shoulder etc because I'm short. DD is 5 ft 8 and says she's rarely had anyone even comment on her height. It's not unusually tall I don't think?

AbraKedavra · 27/08/2023 17:20

Just the other day I met this lady, 6'2". I was like, "Wow, you're tall."

She went, "Tell me something I don't know."

"Your feet smell."

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 27/08/2023 18:47

I feel exactly the same. The tone is always implying 'aren't you strange' or often 'how dare you take up that much space' especially when it comes from a short man. The ONLY reply is to smile and say 'thank you I know' and try and exude confidence - then they will fail in their attempt to bring you down a peg or two

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 27/08/2023 18:48

Longtalljosie · 27/08/2023 09:28

Some people take women’s height personally and can be extremely hostile. It’s hard to explain because it’s all about the tone. If you ever call them out on it they call you insecure and blather on about models.

Yes