Threat to take kids home from holiday

[Anothernamethesamegame]

Second night in to a holiday and the kids (7/9 yr old) behaviour has been fairly difficult. Not absolutely horrendous but difficult. It’s never that easy. They are both quite hyperactive kids, both clash a lot.

husband, who always struggles managing bed time, has struggled with their bed time tonight. They are in the same room, which is always difficult.

He just threatened them with taking them home tomorrow. Came down and said he plans to actually drive them back some way in the car. I’ve no idea what he hopes to achieve, other than hyping the situation up and making it an awful day for us all. I said “ well what if they continue being poorly behaved” and he said then he’d just drive them all the way home and stay home.

How the hell do I deal with this. Obviously it is massively over the top and he is making the situation 100 times more tense in my opinion. How do I approach this without seemingly like I am undermining him….which he feels I always do?

I back him with natural consequences. If he was very angry and shouting etc then perhaps that is too much.

You sound a very soft touch. They are old enough to know they should just try to sleep or chat or read quietly etc if they can’t.

Sorry not read full thread but you sit with them every night until they fall asleep? Why? Surely even if they are not sleeping they should be able to do something quietly in their rooms until they fall asleep without you being there.

I think most parents have been at this stage of making stupid threats / clashing in discipline but they are 7 & 9 and feel they are too old for this style parenting.

Either leave them to sort it out amongst themselves and when they are stupid tired tomorrow they will learn to just go to sleep. They need to learn to get on with each other- as weird as it sounds have you thought about bonding ideas? I know you said they have different personalities but they should be able to cope in a bedroom together for a week.

A 7 and 9 year old shouldn't be behaving like this on a regular basis, if you spend an extra 45 mins at bedtime with then they prob behave like this as it rewards it.

I would put them in separate rooms and if they say they can't sleep say that's fine, but you have to stay in your room with a book, no screens.

Keep repeating the same line.

Holidays are stressful for families and children. For a family who avoids bedroom sharing at all costs it doesn't feel like you prepared yourselves for this being difficult and I don't understand why you didn't have a plan that you'd both follow through on or you didn't just do the second night if you knew your husband would struggle. Yes you shouldn't have to but you do what works sometimes. It doesn't sound like you talked about it as you said he decided not to try separate rooms. I would say it's separate rooms now, one more chance to settle without fighting and try and save the holiday. Yes his threat was too much as too hard to carry out if you aren't prepared not to follow through. I don't think it's harmful though in itself , they only needed to settle down a bit and they are 7 and 9 and know what that means.

I know the pain, we are spending a fortune extra on holidays to get separate rooms for our 2! At 7 they were still good sleepers when they were asleep I could pick them up and move them, could the younger go to sleep in your room?

I always found holidays very stressful with 3 DC and a DH who wasn't used to spending a lot of time around them. It's not a holiday, you're just moving the chaos of life with kids into a hostile environment, let's be honest.

Take a deep breath, give both DH and the DC a warning that you're pissed off with all of them - and today's another day. Keep smiling.

I agree OP. This is a mess caused by your DH.

It’s fine to undermine a partner if he makes shit parenting decisions. I can’t believe so many said you should stand by him.

I guess it does sounds like a threat though. It isn’t intended to be, it’s more wanting him to be aware of how big a deal his behaviour, albeit very irregular, is when it explodes like this.

Believe me, I do sympathise and get where you’re coming from. The words ‘I want a divorce’ were nearly out so many times when the DC were small, but it really wouldn’t have helped. You just want (need) him to realise how his behaviour impacts negatively on both you and the kids.

But from what you say, he does realise this. Only the realisation happens after the storm when he’s calm and able to think. It just doesn’t stop him the next time because he’s so bad at regulating his emotions in a stressful moment. That’s what he needs to work on.

Why are you crying? It seems a bit OTT. Two kids are misbehaving due to being in an unfamiliar environment and the parents are disagreeing about discipline. It’s far from ideal but not sure why it’s quite so upsetting for you?

Honestly I didn’t think 45 minutes to get kids to sleep on the first night of their holiday was too bad
They're 7/9, not babies!
Why do they need put to bed and it a big drawn out affair?
Only on MN have I seen this, most kids get told it's bedtime and off they go, sounds like your DH has had enough of their awful behaviour that you seem to allow.

I'm a bit confused with the sleeping arrangements.
Are you in a room on your own and DH in with both children?

7 and 9 don't need to be put to bed, just let them stay up late?

So depressing to put the focus on bedtimes and room arrangements to try to appease the aggressive, threatening man in to not terrorising his kids to the point that they're hyperventilating. The problem is the shit, aggressive man.
I'm out, this thread is sickening.

You are being to sift on him. He did this he needs to see it through natural consequences for him. That you only say things you follow through

Ultimatums like this only work if he's prepared to follow through.

Driving away and then returning teaches them nothing except crying and pleading will get them what they want.

If he's giving them this ultimatum, then he (and you) must follow through, otherwise it's an empty threat and it undermines any attempt at discipline by either of you.

Christ the hysteria on this thread is ridiculous. No one needs to be crying and 'bursting into tears'

Your kids need more boundaries and your husband needs to control his temper.

I personally think low level bickering and taking 45 minutes to settle on first or second night of a holiday is kind of ok in lively kids who are a bit wired. I hate it when people make these huge threats, it's just pointless, hypes the kids up even more and their overall stress levels are shooting up. They then behave worse.

The opposite would be appropriate: we have to have a boring day today now as you wouldn't go to sleep last night. What a shame. I tell you what, if we have a sensible morning, and you get on well, we'll go out after lunch and get an ice cream.

I have only once done the nuclear punishment, that was for a child hitting me and throwing things (in a massive temper tantrum) and she missed on a theme park which was pretty horrendous to parent, but it wasn't that that stopped her behaviour, it was the threat of not being able to go on the computer. There's no point in punishing them with a) things they don't care about that much, why be holiday with cross dad and getting yelled at and b) provide no reward for good behaviour.

I’d wait until things calm down, and in a neutral situation, maybe even after the holiday, I would tell him that when it gets to the stage of ruining a family holiday, it’s time to do a parenting course.

You need to get on the same page with sensible strategies and align your parenting styles.

Having those discussions in the context of a course or workshop will be less personal.

Op, just wanted to add to my earlier comment, that I think you sound like a good and kind mum, who currently has 3 emotionally charged family members to deal with in an unfamiliar environment.
Sounds like you have some good ideas as to how to move on. 💐 for you.

You can't even get rid of him and solve the problem because he'll get some access, if he takes it, and will leave them messed up everytime he has them

Unfortunately this is true @GilbertMarkham. I waited to leave until my children were old enough to be able to walk away from him if he started to behave badly.

The bad behaviour in the OP's situation is on the part of her husband, not her children (who are hyped up and being silly because they're on holiday - mine were the same).

It's also worth mentioning that children who tend to become hyped up are far more likely to do so when they're being parented by someone who is unpredictable and inconsistent. OP sounds as if she's both predictable and consistent, and the children therefore behave perfectly well with her.

Would a distraction help with bedtimes? It's their holiday, watching a film in bed or having an audiobook playing while they are in bed might distract them from bickering.

Failing that, you each sleep with one of them.

My brother and I were at each other's throats if we had to share a room. We desperately needed space away from each other to get on, so I empathise.

Not rtft, but see another pp has suggested splitting them up so one of you shares a room with each dc. Something else that has worked for ours at a similar age if sharing.on holidays is letting them get to sleep in different rooms, them moving one back to their bed once asleep. Only really works though if you can move one, you go to bed a bit later than them, and they will go to sleep!