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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Threat to take kids home from holiday

277 replies

Anothernamethesamegame · 26/08/2023 22:08

Second night in to a holiday and the kids (7/9 yr old) behaviour has been fairly difficult. Not absolutely horrendous but difficult. It’s never that easy. They are both quite hyperactive kids, both clash a lot.

husband, who always struggles managing bed time, has struggled with their bed time tonight. They are in the same room, which is always difficult.

He just threatened them with taking them home tomorrow. Came down and said he plans to actually drive them back some way in the car. I’ve no idea what he hopes to achieve, other than hyping the situation up and making it an awful day for us all. I said “ well what if they continue being poorly behaved” and he said then he’d just drive them all the way home and stay home.

How the hell do I deal with this. Obviously it is massively over the top and he is making the situation 100 times more tense in my opinion. How do I approach this without seemingly like I am undermining him….which he feels I always do?

OP posts:
AutumnCrow · 27/08/2023 09:07

jannier · 27/08/2023 09:05

There 7 and 9 and you sit with them at home? Why

Show quote history

She doesn't. Apparently it was a typo.

Bluetoesnewtoes · 27/08/2023 09:10

I wouldn’t back him up. He needs undermining. If let him go home and have the holiday with the kids in my own, it would probably be easier.

Nanny0gg · 27/08/2023 09:19

Anothernamethesamegame · 27/08/2023 08:42

I don’t disagree necessarily. I wish I could start again. Not possible though is it. I’ve tried several different strategies but it’s starting from a point of already having a difficult dynamic.

I can see how people on here think I’m a terrible parent. But the kids are basically both lovely kids, both very bright, and the kids and I have lovely times together, lots of shared activity and fund Obviously we have issues, but I don’t want the impression that the kids are awful brats 100% of the time. They’re not. But when it goes it goes BAD.

Show quote history

I don't think you're a terrible parent.

Not so sure about your husband.

What is he like as a husband? Do you think your marriage is working?

Ilovemydog2 · 27/08/2023 09:26

Nanny0gg · 27/08/2023 01:57

Nonsense

You comedown with a sledgehammer to crack a nut, what do you do if they do something really bad?

There's nothing left to use.

Show quote history

Well actually, my point was he shouldn’t be threatening to take them home if he’s not going to actually do it. No wonder they play up if he does this all the time. And “certainty over severity” obviously means it’s better to have a smaller sanction that’s carried out without question in the kids’ minds (like no ice cream the next day) than something extreme not actually followed through on.

WarmButteryCrumpets · 27/08/2023 09:31

JFDIYOLO · 27/08/2023 01:31

They are learning their behaviour from him. He role models angry reactive shouting threatening behaviour, so that's what they see as the way to deal with stressful situations.

Then when he makes his sudden grandiose threats, they probably panic and go into fight or flight. Adrenaline rush hypes them up.

He needs parenting and anger control lessons. Is there even such a thing?

Yep.

WarmButteryCrumpets · 27/08/2023 09:34

I wonder if he doesn't really want to be on holiday with your family so he's trying to find an excuse to leave

WarmButteryCrumpets · 27/08/2023 09:35

It sounds like he needs anger management though (and so do some of the posters on this thread !)
They're kids on holiday, of course they're over excited and bedtime isn't going to be as easy as it normally is

frozencarlotta · 27/08/2023 09:38

Anothernamethesamegame · 26/08/2023 22:22

I wouldn’t enjoy it. I’d feel awful and sad and stressed.

Show quote history

But you need to follow through as much as he does.

Seriously if you are able to get home without him, make him do it

ihadamarveloustime · 27/08/2023 09:47

toastofthetown · 26/08/2023 22:19

You would be undermining him by not backing him up on ending the holiday early. But he caused the situation by making a stupid threat to the children in anger, and escalating the situation instead of calming it down. If this is pretty typical of him then I'm not surprised you're often undermining him. I would be too.

This

It's frustrating when spouses make ridiculous threats are don't take the high road themselves, and then have the audacity to be outraged that you're 'undermining' them when you don't back them up on their own ridiculous behaviour.

RandomMess · 27/08/2023 09:47

Can one of your DC share with their cousin or is the cousin not there?

Floralnomad · 27/08/2023 09:48

Tonight , if you are still away , tell the kids to go to bed in different rooms and you sleep in with one and your husband shares with the other , not ideal but at least it keeps the kids apart . Then let them go to bed when they want , people can’t just go to sleep because someone tells them to .

Original poster
Anothernamethesamegame · 27/08/2023 09:48

WarmButteryCrumpets · 27/08/2023 09:35

It sounds like he needs anger management though (and so do some of the posters on this thread !)
They're kids on holiday, of course they're over excited and bedtime isn't going to be as easy as it normally is

He did do some form of mental health input for anxiety that helped him a lot and he did have a book he read/work course regarding emotions that he took a lot from.

Like I say he has been much better and is aware after the fact of how his behaviour is an issue.

I might insist he go back and ask for more support. Or make plans about how to manage trigger points.

ive decided when we get quiet time to talk free from everyone else my points will be…

  • how is he planning on addressing his behaviour. *how does he plan to manage things better in the futures. *make him aware that I am seriously considering it I want to be in a relationship with him because of this behaviour.
  • some talk about how me manage doing forward and what is isn’t acceptable behaviour management.

that the best I can manage at the moment

OP posts:
astarsheis · 27/08/2023 09:50

Why do they need putting to bed? You're on holidays.
Do you keep a bedroom routine. We never did. Our two would just go to bed when we did and at that age would take themselves even when sharing a room.
Sounds like you're all taking a few days to wind down and chill, which can sometimes happen when you've been travelling and having to get used to a different space.

cestlavielife · 27/08/2023 09:53

ok so your husband is the problem generally
Look.into divorce, finances etc
Life will be more peaceful
Kids on holiday ket them stay up do not stress

this extreme threats mode of operation is pointless. Has he actually carried out one of these threats?
And consider the kids are copying the behViour he is modelling
As well as the treading on eggshells kerp him happy modus

Read "why does he do that?" Some of it may be relevant
Where do you want to be in 5 years? 10? With him when the dc are gone to uni? What does that look like?

Cucucucu · 27/08/2023 09:59

How old are your kids ?

MegBusset · 27/08/2023 09:59

Anothernamethesamegame · 27/08/2023 09:48

He did do some form of mental health input for anxiety that helped him a lot and he did have a book he read/work course regarding emotions that he took a lot from.

Like I say he has been much better and is aware after the fact of how his behaviour is an issue.

I might insist he go back and ask for more support. Or make plans about how to manage trigger points.

ive decided when we get quiet time to talk free from everyone else my points will be…

  • how is he planning on addressing his behaviour. *how does he plan to manage things better in the futures. *make him aware that I am seriously considering it I want to be in a relationship with him because of this behaviour.
  • some talk about how me manage doing forward and what is isn’t acceptable behaviour management.

that the best I can manage at the moment

Show quote history

This sounds like a good plan. Hope you have a restful day today.

CBAanymoreTBH · 27/08/2023 10:00

Why are you "doing bedtime" at this age? Send the 7 year old to bed 2 hours earlier than the 9 year old and let the 9 year old feel more grown-up. He might start acting that way if he's not being treated like a toddler

user1471447924 · 27/08/2023 10:01

In fairness if he did stick to his guns and take them home today it would be a short sharp shock that would make them realise they father means what he says.

Might not be the worst outcome ever, long term at least

Mumofoneandone · 27/08/2023 10:01

So feel for you - just come back from a very difficult family holiday with grandparents, 2 DC and DH. DC are 8 & (nearly 6). Younger one having temper tantrums/melt downs several times a day. Looked into him coming home with his Dad but for various reasons, was against this. Family holiday with grandparents already booked for next may, but could reconsider. Won't be booking any other holidays involving my son for the moment (several short breaks planned for this year).
Grandparents have also said they won't go away with us again - really sad. This is partly my son's behaviour and partly how moody DH was being - really upset my Dad.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/08/2023 10:10

I would keep your dcs up unless they cannot handle the late nights. Punishing young kids with additional needs for acting up when out of their comfort zone sounds pretty cruel. I’m not surprised you were in bits. You’re managing the behaviour not just of 2 kids but also and angry, grown man.

If you can’t get the kids to sleep tonight, I think I’d be putting a mattress on the floor for your ds in your bedroom and sharing the double with your dd. The way your dh blows up, he would be best sleeping alone on a single.

And screw what your brother says.

Trenchfootinthescottishhighlandstoday · 27/08/2023 10:11

The way you say 'managing bedtime' is a strange wording. Do they not just brush teeth, have a story and say goodnight? Seems like you expect a palava so you get one! Me and dh love taking turns when ds 8 goes to bed. No drama. No sitting. No bloody podcasts and sitting around! Your parenting styles seem worlds apart. Has it always been so?

Feverly · 27/08/2023 10:12

Cucucucu · 27/08/2023 09:59

How old are your kids ?

Did you not read any of the thread?

An angry man screaming at kids he's meant to nurture and protect, to the point they're hyperventilating is child abuse. This man is shit and a pathetic excuse for a parent.

Oioicaptain · 27/08/2023 10:16

You're getting some really harsh comments on here OP! Their behaviour sounds pretty normal to me for sharing a room on holiday. I would just keep them up later or put one to bed before the other and send the other one in once they are sleeping. As for your DH, he is stressed and overreacted. He is no better than the children, tell him. All three of them have ruined your holiday. I agree that he needs to calm down and formulate a plan. In fact you could all draw up one together today, Inc the rules for the holiday and get the kids involved. Then stick up the rules and everyone is more likely to stick to it. This is probably a good approach going forward to ensure consistency. If you plan how you will all deal with certain behaviour, including consequences, then it is much more likely to be well thought out. Don't be too hard on yourself. It sounds like you are doing a good job with normal over excited kids and a stressed out over excited husband.

Flowery123 · 27/08/2023 10:18

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

AnchorWHAT · 27/08/2023 10:18

Stagger bedtimes so youngest goes first or split them and you and DH sleep in the room one each. Holidays are always out of routine add to that excitement, extra treats ( more sugar?) then high jinks are always likely.
Sounds as if you have a good parenting style but DH is struggling a bit, your discussion plan is great, asking him what he can change to make things work better is great but honestly, a it of leeway on holiday and a relaxing of the rules is best, so what if they go to bed a bit later, as long as they are safe let them get on with it.

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