Threat to take kids home from holiday

[Anothernamethesamegame]

Second night in to a holiday and the kids (7/9 yr old) behaviour has been fairly difficult. Not absolutely horrendous but difficult. It’s never that easy. They are both quite hyperactive kids, both clash a lot.

husband, who always struggles managing bed time, has struggled with their bed time tonight. They are in the same room, which is always difficult.

He just threatened them with taking them home tomorrow. Came down and said he plans to actually drive them back some way in the car. I’ve no idea what he hopes to achieve, other than hyping the situation up and making it an awful day for us all. I said “ well what if they continue being poorly behaved” and he said then he’d just drive them all the way home and stay home.

How the hell do I deal with this. Obviously it is massively over the top and he is making the situation 100 times more tense in my opinion. How do I approach this without seemingly like I am undermining him….which he feels I always do?

if it’s any consolation we’ve just come back from a campsite where threats to take children home resounded through almost every tent between around 7-9pm. The parents shouting were more disruptive than the children 😆 half expected to leave the tent In the morning to find an empty field 😆

You don’t sound like you’re happy now, let him take them home and you may enjoy yourself

cant you separate the children and put them in different rooms, and you go in a room with one and husband in a room with the other??

I’m guessing he’s planning to drive them about half an hour until they panic and apologies and then bring them back with a promise to behave. My mum did this as a kid. It’s like emotional blackmail. Not sure it actually achieved much. Just that next time she threatened to take us back we would back down quicker. But we did love with a lot more fear back in the 80s. We had a lot of threats to be smacked for instance but we’re probably only smacked a couple of times. Knowing what it then felt like meant the threat was enough. I don’t do this type of thing with my kids now. I only threaten with things I know wouldn’t impact me and make things worse for me.

Maybe you all just need to go out somewhere and let them run off steam for a while? Being cooped up in the same room as a sibling when you’re not used to sharing, without your own stuff around you, can actually be difficult for kids. I do often find holidays are tricky to navigate as routine is all gone and kids like predictably. Sit them down and ask them what they would like to do whilst you are there.

I’ve been away for a couple of short breaks this holiday with my 2 Andy 10 year old has been the hardest to manage and extremely sulky. Teen is autistic but has actually been easier to manage. Suspect adhd with 10 year old but haven’t quite figured out the best way to manage her yet and the two together clash alot. It it wasn’t ruining my holiday.

enjoy a relaxing end of holiday while DH wrangles children's bedtimes alone ate home

The best advice I was ever given when I had children was to NEVER break a promise or a threat to them. Failing to follow through on either totally blows your credibility.
He should not have said something he wasn’t prepared to back up.
Pack their bags.

the real problem is the out of control behavior. Your husband is fed up. You seem to coddle them a bit (podcasts).

You need to identify what the antecedents are (triggers) that cause the behavior. Boredom? Jealousy? Attention seeking? Etc.

Them come up with a plan of what consequences will be and how you will try to change behavior.

when kids dont have clear boundaries they can feel more insecure and act out more. Letting them get out of control is caregiver fault — not children’s fault.

make a plan with your husband and stick to it. Be firm. Make sure there is equity between them - of what they get, what they eat, both of your attention, what toys or extra activities they get, and don’t placate or coddle unless its a matter of danger or ruining the experience of people in public places.

Be consistent. Which means both of you and grandparents etc

They will respect you more and they will be more confident.

FWIW I agree with you and @Lostinlifenow. My DD is only 3 so kinda here for tips for the future but I’m totally with you and Lost on this one from my perspective.

I suggest once this situation is resolved somehow your DH gets some counselling for his temper. The children won't always be a crying mess after his outbursts. In a few short years they will be teenagers and you will have 3-4 people (4 if you include yourself) at each other's throats. He probably learned his unhelpful ways from his own parents so there is no shame there. However unless your DH learns to assert his authority without losing his temper it's going to get worse once children start talking back (as all teenagers do)

Well OP I think your partner sounds childish and manipulative and determined to spoil yours and your children's holiday. Hope you managed to resolve the situation the other day. Only just seen this thread. Am surprised lots of people on this thread seem to think it is fair to drive children home on day 2 of a family holiday they have been looking forward to.

Maybe they have ADHD not their fault if they are Neurodiverse.

My dh parents in this way, maybe not to this extreme, but threats of cancelling holidays, not getting treats etc and I find it so hard to manage. Honestly, I do undermine him, I explain that he was angry/upset because xyz and he didn’t mean it. I also am trying to educate him that this is not an effective way to parent. I definitely follow a much more gentle parenting approach and generally I find it more effective. My kids are 7 and 9 as well and I don’t think carry on at bedtime in a shared room on holiday is totally unreasonable, although it is frustrating as by their bedtime you (and dh) will just want to relax. Generally speaking on holiday I will also sit with them on the first night as I find it helps them settle better, usually after the first night they are so tired they fall asleep anyway. I hope you managed to resolve this situation without too much more upset. Not sure if I’m allowed to recommend books on this, but I’d suggest How to talk so kids will listen as a good starting point for dh.

I do sit with them until they sleep at home

OP I think this is a huge mistake. I know a lot of parents do this, but I think children benefit massively from learning to self-settle.

If your children are misbehaving, I don't see anything wrong with your DH cutting their holiday short. Maybe they need a consequence like that to teach them that misbehaving is not acceptable

The dh is misbehaving worse than the kids, cut his holiday short

Haven't RTFT but this is bonkers. They are 7 and 9 and you sit with them every night until they sleep? Really....??

No wonder DH is stressed with their behaviour. I'm not saying his approach is necessarily right but they need boundaries and they need them now! They are old enough to understand English - tell them to behave and be quiet or there will be consequences, and then walk out. If they can't understand that at their age then you need to start implementing those consequences.

My DC are teens and don't normally share a room - but on holidays or when they have guests they still do. They do/did bicker and be idiots like all siblings - but since toddler stage would a) stop when I got cross and b) understand there would be repercussions if they didn't! (not cancelling a holiday though....)

But I have never sat with them to go to sleep (since toddlers) or listened to podcasts etc. Your DC are old enough now to go straight to bed and behave. I can sort of understand why your DH has lost patience........

I have great admiration for you taking the time to ask for help and be so open. I personally have been through what you're going through and it's very difficult. Your kids are lucky to have your balanced approach. Please read these comments carefully and take those that fit with your outlook. We cannot all parent in the same way, there are no set rules and every family is different. You're obviously doing a great job, and being very considerate. Good luck and please remember this phase will pass. Xxxx

Is that a typo? You do sit with them at home?

Sleep with one child each.

We only had to take your husbands approach a couple of times before the kids realised we meant business. Like once tbey were being shits at a restaurant, so we upped and left, and they got something really crap for tea... from then on they were always saints if we ate out. Totally worth it. Let him follow through with it.

Have a family meeting. Talk about what all 4 of you can do differently to make this holiday a success. Come up with ideas. Eg can you put your kids to bed in separate rooms then move them when they are asleep etc.

Separately talk to DH about not making threats about consequences that impact everyone without agreeing them with you first and vice versa. I get it that he’s frustrated, but he’s not coming at the problem with the right attitude or energy.

At that age I agree your kids if NT should be able to calm themselves and get themselves to sleep. They should be able to sit in bed and read. You go in and say goodnight, give hugs and that’s it. Maybe get a parenting coach or Google ways to set up a successful bedtime routine. My kids have Kindles and are perfectly happy to read. They mostly read meme books, but whatever works!

He is threatening a 7 & 9yo?
Emotional blackmail?
Right.
Dysfunctional family? Or a neurodiverse family?
Either way. Therapy is the answer. & quickly before you run out of time.

Kids will be teens soon enough & the dysfunction will multiply to a horrible level.

Bedtime can be hard. Even at 7&9 (some people on here have unreasonable expectations of kids imo but we are a ND household)

But you need to find a way of making it easier. That may mean you each sleep with a child on holiday so they don't share a room.
At our house Dd age 7 uses the calm app for bedtime audio stories. Other child has a Libby account via listening books and listens to audio books of his own choosing.
Much calmer & shorter bedtime routine now & no need for us to stick around. Hooray!

'Honestly I didn’t think 45 minutes to get kids to sleep on the first night of their holiday was too bad and I stayed to avoid arguments starting. I do sit with them until they sleep at home.' 😱
At 7 and 9 you SIT WITH THEM until they sleep? SERIOUSLY?! I'm sorry but much as I feel sorry for the fact that your DH doesn't seem to be able to get the 'punishment to fit the crime' so to speak and is prone to 'losing it' over small misdemeanours, at 7 and 9 the DC are way old enough to go to sleep by themselves and by not letting them do so, you and DH are now dealing with 2 confused and insecure kids who by the sound of it might just be acting up because they are not being given the parameters they need from either of you one way or another! 🤔
This present situation is untenable and whether DH does indeed take them home, or you intervene and 'undermine' him, either way the DC will still have NO real idea of what's expected of them because you and DH are not 'singing from the same hymn sheet' when it comes to discipline which, in my experience, (I am now a great-grandmother and a Special Guardian to a 14 year old who lives with us!) is PARAMOUNT! 🙄

It's a difficult Situation..but in a 70 year old woman with a lot of disability.. but if I saw my d.grandchildren misbehaving like that...I think I d be helping my d.i.l or son to try get them settled...children listen more to2 grandparents and even teachers...
The d. Grandparents surely have the coping skills..
Take them out all day..tire them out..and into bed with a hot .ilk etc..NO SWEETS.. hope you can enjoy the rest of your holiday..x

Kids behave badly from time to time and punishments need to fit the crime. That is a massive overreaction and it would be much better to say they won’t do x tomorrow (something fun they want to do) rather than ending an entire holiday over what seems like fairly normal behaviour, especially when out of their routine in a new place being overtired and excited. When DD was that age I used to find rewards worked better. A holiday reward chart for good behaviour where they can win something nice/fun is much more likely to work than threats of punishment at that age.

husband, who always struggles managing bed time, has struggled with their bed time tonight. They are in the same room, which is always difficult.

Where are you sleeping, OP?
While I don't condone your husband's actions in any way, reading through the earlier posts it seems to me that when you're at home you usually deal with bedtimes.
But now you're on holiday, you suddenly delegated bedtimes to your husband, who, by your own admission, struggles.
And they are all sharing a room.
So your children, who tend to play up a bit when sharing a room, are on holiday, in unfamiliar surroundings, sharing a room and the routine they are used to, of you doing bedtimes, has suddenly changed to your husband doing bedtimes on his own, who you know struggles and has a short fuse with the children.