Threat to take kids home from holiday

[Anothernamethesamegame]

Second night in to a holiday and the kids (7/9 yr old) behaviour has been fairly difficult. Not absolutely horrendous but difficult. It’s never that easy. They are both quite hyperactive kids, both clash a lot.

husband, who always struggles managing bed time, has struggled with their bed time tonight. They are in the same room, which is always difficult.

He just threatened them with taking them home tomorrow. Came down and said he plans to actually drive them back some way in the car. I’ve no idea what he hopes to achieve, other than hyping the situation up and making it an awful day for us all. I said “ well what if they continue being poorly behaved” and he said then he’d just drive them all the way home and stay home.

How the hell do I deal with this. Obviously it is massively over the top and he is making the situation 100 times more tense in my opinion. How do I approach this without seemingly like I am undermining him….which he feels I always do?

On one level it's kind of your parents to treat you.

On the other, the holiday is with people you don't entirely feel at ease with and they've not necessarily taken on board some of the things that would make it an easier holiday for you (separate kids rooms).

You and your DH are probably quite anxious without knowing it. Kids picking up on that.

@Anothernamethesamegame please ignore posters saying LTB as well as those saying you’re a crap parent being too soft. That’s just your typical AIBU pile on. Of course we can all improve our parenting skills, but no one else knows your children or how to best support them like you do. Especially where possible SENs are involved.

Talking to him sounds sensible but please consider not saying that I am seriously considering it I want to be in a relationship with him because of this behaviour at this stage ie on holiday, in an untypical situation, when you’re both feeling stressed! Those conversations are for when back home and both calm.

Otherwise it could sound as much you making a threat to him as his going home was a threat to the children. Both are to try and control other’s behaviours.

And at some point, there’s a good chance that he has undiagnosed SENs (they run in families) and he would benefit from exploring this and to accept he’s not managing his emotions. Hopefully you all can find breathing room to enjoy the holiday.

You sound so upset. Understandably so. You seem to be coping pretty well in the circumstances.

2 suggestions from me:

your plan of things to talk to DH about is very sensible. Personally I’d leave talking about long term goals and your view of the relationship until after the holiday. He’s obviously tense and wound up. Not sure if now is the time for the “big chat”. Others will disagree I’m sure. This is not about pandering to him though. It’s just about managing the holiday in the least worst way.

If your DS is getting so wound up by his sister that be hits her, I don’t really think you can leave them alone at bedtime. I’d reorganise the sleeping arrangements. I would definitely not do a joint bedtime. I’d have a parent each putting one child to bed each night. Maybe one in your room?

Best of luck.

Your children aren't the problem - the problem is your husband being unable to control his responses to annoying behaviour.

I know there's a mentality of "back one another up come what may", and in many cases it's the right thing. It isn't when one parent is being vastly unreasonable, though.

As well as knowing that parents mostly present a united front, children also need to know that a parent will have their back if the other parent is in the wrong. Being a parent does not automatically make you right - and your husband is very, very wrong in this instance.

I wouldn't back him up. I'd tell him to go home on his own (and did, when I had a similar episode with my ex husband). You'd probably find that the children play up less without an overbearing parent who is so useless at being a parent that he lurches straight to ridiculous attempts to control them.

I suspect at least one of your DC would rather be at home; if they are too different to share a room happily, you need to choose holiday arrangements where they each have their own space (DD sounds annoying as hell, honestly). If you're determined to not cut the current holiday short, get your DS some earplugs/noise cancelling earphones, and/or put one of the kids in your room and either you or DH go in with the other one.

Nothing to do with your husband but just a tip for sleep...my kids are 8 and 10 and are ridiculous they sleep in the same room. We put my youngest to sleep in our bed, and then transfer her when they are both asleep. It cuts out an hour of them being silly and winding each other up.

28 and 42

'When he was threatening I could see the kids hyped up so much they were hyperventilating crying. He was getting angrier and ranting at them. “You’re ruining this holiday for everyone”. Making them feel like shit. For what is essentially, fairly normal behaviour for primary age kids.'

A lot of people seem to have missed this vile snippet. For these kids, 'holiday' means being terrorised by an angry man.

The above poster said it, just calm, exude model calm behaviour,,,,, threats by an angry parent are awful.
Sounds like he is the problem.?.

Well no, because that would be horrendously unfair on the OP’s parents and her brother. Why should they have to give up their room or share with a child because the OP’s children won’t behave at bedtime?

Your husband is obviously overreacting by shouting at them to that extent, but I think I would struggle with their behaviour too. Especially as they were like this on holiday last year, and they’re not great in the car either- it’s not a one off. Have your family mentioned anything about their behaviour?

You sit with your children until they go to sleep? They are aged seven and nine!

OP, I just wanted to say that you sound like a great mum, and I hope you manage to enjoy the rest of your holiday.

I'd cancel your October holiday, and book something for just you and the DC instead. Sounds like everyone would enjoy that more.

I'm horrified that anyone piling on would genuinely drive their kids home from holiday for bickering at bedtime - even letting them believe it is so cruel. Or that anyone would think doing a story/bedtime routine for a 7& 9yo is wrong. That is extremely harsh, I can't believe anyone really thinks that.

@determinedtomakethiswork nope. OP has said many times now that she does not. She did this time, after her explosive bloke riled the kids yet again.

Ok, now you've explained a little more about the dynamics between your children, it's a bit clearer. I might add that I was the older, quieter child in this scenario, and was often driven nuts by by hyperactive younger brother, who didn't stop talking till midnight.
It shouldn't get to the stage where DS is physical towards the younger sibling. You need to have words with him about that, including a discussion about what he can do when she is being annoying( eg tell an adult) . The adults need to be aware of her behaviour, and ready to take steps to separate them. She needs to be told to stop, and the consequence of her carrying on is that DS is taken into parents room/ back downstairs to hang with the grown ups u til she settles down and stays in the room by herself.
If she has ADHD, she may well just need less sleep, and so maybe needs tools to help her settle, maybe drawing or something. It's difficult when it's the younger one who needs to stay up later. Talk to both DC, describe the problem and ask what they think is the best way forward. DS might be happier to go to bed earlier than DD if it means he gets some peace and quiet.
As for DH, tell him that threats are no good unless he carries through, and he needs to have sensible consequences at the ready, not ridiculous ones like going home mid holiday. Formulate a plan for tonight now, so that there's not a repeat of last nights drama.
It won't hurt to let them all see how upset you are, but don't be assigning blame, just say that the scenes last night made you very sad and you don't want a repeat. And this is what we are going to do tonight to prevent it.

Hi OP

My children are now much older but we had similar issues as a family right from when they were very young,

My DD is now diagnosed with ADHD.

On holiday as it was a new place they would take a long time to settle. It sounds like your children are absolutely fine at home, as they have separate bedrooms. So one of the factors leading to the explosion by your DH is that they were in together.

So the simple solution for future holidays is that they must have a room each. This is expensive, obviously, but will prevent the problem arising.

The second factor, if you like, is that when they are in together a calm bedtime can be achieved but only if you are in there supporting them. So another possible solution if the separate rooms solution is too expensive is that you do the holiday bedtimes. It would seem reasonable to get your DH to take responsibility for another aspect of the holiday if you do all the bedtimes as it's taking a lot of emotional labour onto you.

The third factor is trying to get your dh to work on his parenting skills. This is very difficult in practice because he may not want to (although you say he has done some work on anxiety so maybe he would be prepared to try) and also it sounds like he is simply losing control and threatening anything and everything and just displaying uncontrolled anger.

I'd suggest that once you are home from this holiday you sit down and have a chat with your DH about the October holiday and say that you don't want to go if it's going to be constant rows and put the three possible solutions to him.

If he does this kind of thing at home as well then your situation is more complicated, and a lot depends on how much you are prepared to support him in being a better parent/keeping him away from the kids.

His style…..always…..is to loose his temper. Make a massive threat. Kids get scared and hyped up because they been threatened with him doing something like throwing away their switch or like tonight going home from holiday. Then the situation lasts longer and longer because they’re hyped up and can’t calm down. Also I feel a little like he is too fucking lazy to do basic things to help them actually manage settling.

He sounds like a shit parent.

He needs to do some classes/read on the subject & work on his behaviour.

You can't even get rid of him and solve the problem because he'll get some access, if he takes it, and will leave them messed up everytime he has them.

My ex was like this, with the unrealistic bombastic threats of punishment, and if i changed stuff i was accused of undermining him.

The way you handle it without anyone being undermined is this.

DH goes to sit with the kids and apologises for over-reacting, and threatening to take them home, because that was unfair on everyone else and would spoil other peoples holidays (including his own)

Then he addresses their behaviour calmly, and quietly, turns it into an age appropriate chat to help them to understand how their behaviour was unacceptable, and discuss the expectations you both have for the rest of the holiday.

Then you adjust the 'punishment/threat' to something more realistic that CAN be carried out without everyone shouting.

Doing this teaches the kids that parents have boundaries, that we can be pushed too far, but that we're can also apologise and admit when we're wrong.

It's also teaching/modelling how you apologise for being in the wrong, WITHOUT letting the behaviour slide.

Try splitting dc one in with you and other dh. Give him the easier one for sake of peace x Good Luck.

I think you are also not very effective in getting them to sleep. My 4yo and 6yo settle on their own in the same room. They are very far from perfectly behaved but FFS I would not sit with them for 45 min, and it would drive me insane to think that I might have to do it for 10 years. I think a 9yo who is told to lie quietly should do that and not hit their sibling.

Your husband needs more realistic threats. No ice cream. Early bedtime tomorrow. No treats / pocket money. No devices. No holiday seems like a nuclear option and there is nowhere to escalate from there.

This is a good point. I might just say I am really unhappy at how the evening went and that I’d like to talk more in depth when we are home. I guess it does sounds like a threat though. It isn’t intended to be, it’s more wanting him to be aware of how big a deal his behaviour, albeit very irregular, is when it explodes like this.

Your DH sounds like a bit of a bully to me.

I can’t understand why you don’t just split the DC up. You sleep with one and DH with the other? Surely that’s easiest?

No they have separate rooms and never manage a bedtime together. So we knew expecting them to be in the same room this holiday was a test of how they managed. Hence I spent time with them settling them when I did bedtime the first night. I don’t usually sit with them at home. We read together and then I say goodnight and they settle themselves to sleep in their own rooms.

It probably will be what we do going forward and is what we normally do. As they are a little older we wanted to try them together, especailly as we have a holiday abroad on October where we have a 2 bedroom. They managed with help but clearly last night went to shit. So it’ll have to be back to separate rooms.

Kids are on holiday.. they're excited.. in a different environment.. their minds will be different.
I'm crying myself here for them.
You said behaviour been fairly difficult not horrendous.
You are the parents.. parent them. Don't threaten them or cut short their holiday.. I'm so upset for them.. thinking if t his was my Grandkids.. poor loves.
Their poor mental health.
I just can't read any more.
😪