Threat to take kids home from holiday

[Anothernamethesamegame]

Second night in to a holiday and the kids (7/9 yr old) behaviour has been fairly difficult. Not absolutely horrendous but difficult. It’s never that easy. They are both quite hyperactive kids, both clash a lot.

husband, who always struggles managing bed time, has struggled with their bed time tonight. They are in the same room, which is always difficult.

He just threatened them with taking them home tomorrow. Came down and said he plans to actually drive them back some way in the car. I’ve no idea what he hopes to achieve, other than hyping the situation up and making it an awful day for us all. I said “ well what if they continue being poorly behaved” and he said then he’d just drive them all the way home and stay home.

How the hell do I deal with this. Obviously it is massively over the top and he is making the situation 100 times more tense in my opinion. How do I approach this without seemingly like I am undermining him….which he feels I always do?

@Highdaysandholidays1 is also very sensible - this is advice worth taking.

There is no need to sit with that age children to sleep.
I would not tolerate this behavior

I think after your chat with your husband you need to sit down with the children and set some expectations and boundaries, especially around bedtime.

Explain you know it is not ideal as they are very different people, BUT on holiday a shared room is how it is and they need to get to sleep without a continual drama each night.

I would also have a talk with DS that pushing is not on, and also with DD that chatting continually while her brother is trying to sleep should stop. Can DS wear head phones and listen to calming music and same for DD to help her relax and go to sleep?

They are probably excited, its a holiday, its a different environment and also might be a bit strange with your family there too.

Good luck. Parenting is bloody hard!

Neither would I (tolerate that behaviour from the OP's husband, that is).

OP, is it possible you underestimate the dc’s abilities to be able to behave better.
Talk to them again, seriously and calmly about how their poor behaviour affects everybody. Tell them explicitly what good behaviour looks like. And how some past behaviours have been totally unacceptable and how that affects others. Give lots of examples of good behaviour. Tell them and show them. Tell them all children make mistakes but once they have been told, they don’t keep repeating bad behaviour. Make sure they each have their own space to retreat to when the other winds them up. Decide together where that will be in your holiday home. Tell them they walk away to their own private space and the other isn’t allowed to go in there or disturb them. Let them earn an extra £1 each for good behaviour for the day including bed time, to spend on the last day how they like.
Finally, ask them if they think they can do better and if they agree they can, then ask them to go to their dad to tell him how they plan to do better at bed time tomorrow. Think of a word or a signal or action that you can do to remind them, throughout the day, that they need to stop and think and change behaviour. Let them know you are helping them to achieve something good for you all because you have all been very sad and disappointed after last night and you don’t want to all have to go home early.
Good luck OP. I really feel for you.

I doubt your husband will drive the children home.

I never had that problem but have heard so many stories, even parents saying they would turn around and drive home if their kids didn't pack up arguing or whatever, in the back of the car, on the outward journey. They usually settle down.

As for bedtimes, surely they don't have to go to bed as early as they do when at home. Mine used to go to bed when we did - and we all had a lie in in the mornings which was nice.

Children's behaviour is telling you something. Are you letting them stay up too late? Are they having too many treat foods?

Small children find it difficult to manage emotions. Empathize, calm them, don't threaten them.

Op I’ve no advice to add but just wanted to say that yanbu.

A 7 and 9 year old playing up due to being in a different place is not ‘dicking around’ imo. Your dc were clearly just slightly unsettled in a new environment and needed some calm support from their parent to reassure them. There is nothing wrong with sitting with your dc until they fall asleep if it makes them feel more safe and secure either. They are children, not robots.

I'm sorry OP but you know that the holiday bedtime is a trigger, based on the previous campervan story (which sounds horrific!) but you don't want to do it on this holiday because 'why should I?' ??? You need to send DH off doing some other tasks/chores and you need to do the bedtimes on holiday for everyone's sanity, you've both created this situation of bedtimes being difficult at home, so it just needs dealing with the most efficient way without blaming each other, if DH critizes anything you do during bedtime, just say, 'well we all know what happens when YOU do bedtime, so how about keeping you feelings to yourself'.

You're really throwing everyone under the bus by making him do it IMO.

My BIL is like your DH, it never got better and in the end my sis would just undermine him without a second thought, because some of his empty threats were ridiculous (and uncalled for) and used to upset their child no end for seemingly no good reason.. the 'punishments' certainly didn't fit the crime. She'd tried speaking to him and he'd understand her point as he NEVER even saw them through.. but he'd still lose his rag within 5 seconds and press the nuclear button. It was so weird, their relationship definitely suffered because of it because they weren't on the same page at all. BUT he grew up with a very harsh upbringing, where he was actually hit as a child/adolescent if he 'stepped out of line', and he always thought sis was way too soft overall, parenting can be really hard to navigate if you come from two completely different backgrounds.

You can only try and reach a middle ground somehow.

You sit with them for 45 minutes at home. Just don't

I'd definitely split them up. And when abroad buy a single airbed and let one sleep in the living room or in yours.

She doesn't please rtft

Do they have screen/tablets that they’re playing on a lot of the time/close to bedtime? If so, that’s likely to make them more hyper. Maybe take them for a walk after dinner? Skip the podcasts and read a book to them a bedtime, perhaps. But you shouldn’t need to sit with them till they go to sleep.

There's me thinking the same. Mine never had bedtimes on holidays unless they took themselves to bed on a ski holiday because they were knackered.

Not having a routine is what holidays are all about unless you're on organised stuff.

Yes we were the same

I have and I still wouldn't do it on holiday.

Me neither, they'd conk out when they were ready

Mine isn't that age yet, although we do still throw the routine out the window when we're on holiday.

When I was a kid there was no 'time'.. we ate when we were hungry, and we went to bed when we were tired.. which was probably earlier then at home in fairness .. if we ever asked my mum what time it was she always asked us why we wanted to know!

I think the secret to successful holidays with kids is to wear them out as best you can!

This is the way I think, you aren't undermining him to the kids. Make it clear you're totally happy to continue the holiday without him and kids, the chances that he drives all the way home drop sharply.

If you can agree with him before he leaves a set of rules which the children need to abide by in order for the holiday to continue. For 7-9 I would say these should be simple, fit on 1 page of A4 in fairly large writing.

Thanks for all the suggestions. I will be taking some of them on board and seeing how it goes. Today has been a lot calmer but still tension left over from yesterday.

I won’t be back to read more before I think I have already had a lovely wide range of different perspective and have picked out things I think might be useful.

OH and I have had a brief chat. Mainlyme pointing oh that this is the 3rd holiday he has done this at bedtime and that we need to actually explicitly plan for it as it’s obviously something he can’t handle. He apologised to the children for his behaviour but stated their behaviour was out of line and we need to see changes. We split kids up this morning and are off to do something together this afternoon. I think I might take on bedtime for the rest of the holiday. DS has head phones so I might suggest that at bedtime and DD has an audiobook she can listen to. i might also do the DD in my bed and carry her into her bed when she is asleep.
one common comment has been about letting the kids go to bed later as it’s holiday, we did do that on the first and second night. Both of mine get very highly over stimulated when they get tired though and no matter what their bedtime take the same about of time to unwind and relax to sleep.

Thanks again for all the suggestions. Even some of the harsh words I will be thinking about and taking some on board.

I think that's really positive that your husband said sorry to the children. Hope it works out for you.

This all sounds very sensible. Good that you challenged your husband that this is obviously a trigger point for him and so needs managing in the future to stop repeating. Good that he apologised. Great ideas to get the kids to sleep! Sounds like it all just exploded, hope you can put it behind you now and have a lovely holiday!

I dont know if you'll read this, but if your dd is being investigated for adhd, then it's possible your son is also ND. i have adhd and autism, and i can see myself in your children's behaviours and needs. I would have a read of how it presents in children who aren't your typical hyperactive child (ie your son may have inattentive adhd or he may be on the autism spectrum) I am incredibly intolerant to noise and if something's annoying me (ie a sibling) and i can't get away, i get very angry. Two of my children are also adhd and very very similar. They do fight and it's taking me a while to learn techniques to manage it and myself so i don't lose it with them. You can't punish impulsivity out of an adhd child.

With my kids, i could see my possibly having to sit with them to go to bed at similar ages if on holiday, because i know a) they need the reassurance and b) it's the quickest route to us all getting some rest. Yeah some people would never dream of sitting with their 7 year old to go to sleep. Good for them. I know my child will struggle with that, so I'll preempt and i will ask them if they want me to sit with them a while. That's ok. Every kid is different. Doesn't mean they're spoilt.

Adhd and asd are often genetic. Any chance you or dh are also ND? If you're husband is undiagnosed adhd, it may be that he just cannot cope once things escalate, and he needs to learn how to de escalate situations before they overwhelm him.

It sounds like you're already doing a lot of great things to help support your children. Children with ND need to be parented more sensitively than most NT children.

sit them down and talk through expectations/impact of their behaviour??

It cannot just be my kids who simply wouldn’t give a fuck 😶 my kids are incredibly well behaved generally but they are a total fucking nightmare at bedtime. In the moment, nothing is more important than staying up. Nothing.

This is really a thread about the stress of being with an angry partner who can’t parent. Do you want this long term? Just think what he’ll be like when they’re teenagers.