Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Threat to take kids home from holiday

277 replies

Anothernamethesamegame · 26/08/2023 22:08

Second night in to a holiday and the kids (7/9 yr old) behaviour has been fairly difficult. Not absolutely horrendous but difficult. It’s never that easy. They are both quite hyperactive kids, both clash a lot.

husband, who always struggles managing bed time, has struggled with their bed time tonight. They are in the same room, which is always difficult.

He just threatened them with taking them home tomorrow. Came down and said he plans to actually drive them back some way in the car. I’ve no idea what he hopes to achieve, other than hyping the situation up and making it an awful day for us all. I said “ well what if they continue being poorly behaved” and he said then he’d just drive them all the way home and stay home.

How the hell do I deal with this. Obviously it is massively over the top and he is making the situation 100 times more tense in my opinion. How do I approach this without seemingly like I am undermining him….which he feels I always do?

OP posts:
Original poster
Anothernamethesamegame · 26/08/2023 22:36

Spottytoddler · 26/08/2023 22:29

The kids would learn that if they dick about and play up then they don’t get nice treats like a holiday. What do you think is so hard for them to learn from that? It’s quite a natural punishment in my view. If you can’t behave nicely on holiday then we can’t go on holiday at all.

I dunno maybe im Soft. It just feels like a very harsh punishment for fairly annoying but standard difficult kid behaviour.

OP posts:
YouveGotAFastCar · 26/08/2023 22:39

Eh... you sound a lot more patient to their nonsense. They are 7 and 9. There is no way they should be making bedtime that difficult every night.

And realistically; if he came to you and had a discussion about taking them home; it wouldn't be a threat at that point - it'd be a decision that they were going home. There'd be no incentive for them to change.

I suspect the "truth" is that you are far too lenient; they play up FAR too much for their ages, and he is too short-tempered. And it's probable that being on holiday with your family doesn't make that easier; it's hard work to spend a lot of time with someone else's family.

You can't argue against this without undermining him. You can warn the children that they have one chance to show they can go to bed reasonably; and let them "earn" back the rest of the holiday. DH doesn't get to continually hold it over them - it's not one chance forever - but there does need to be consequences for them pratting about and needing to be put to bed like toddlers.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 26/08/2023 22:41

Anothernamethesamegame · 26/08/2023 22:35

I mean I’m open to suggestions. Anything helpful?
basically they have always struggled to sleep in the same room and we usually avoid doing so at all costs. Grandparents booked this holiday and the kids have a room together.

Honestly I didn’t think 45 minutes to get kids to sleep on the first night of their holiday was too bad and I stayed to avoid arguments starting. I do sit with them until they sleep at home.

Show quote history

You put one to bed in your room, and one to bed in their room. They get a snuggle and a short story then are told to go to sleep. If they can't sleep, they could read to themselves til they fall asleep.

When you and dh go up to bed later, one of you sleeps in with one dc and the other sleeps in with the other.

Canisaysomething · 26/08/2023 22:41

Does he actually give them a chance to behave and threaten them with a number of warnings? Like "if I have to ask you 3 times then the holiday is over" or does he just loose his temper and say "right the holiday is over you've been too badly behaved". The first approach gets children to behave, the 2nd approach is just cruel and I'm not surprised they are crying.

Digestive28 · 26/08/2023 22:41

Isn’t the lesson here that sometimes we over react and say things we don’t mean…and then we apologise and make it right. So why can’t he say sorry in the morning, explain why he was stressed and find a way to make the whole holiday more fun for everyone? Even if that means loads of screen time or similar

WillowCraft · 26/08/2023 22:42

Can one parent sleep with one child each? Then they don't share rooms..

Totaly · 26/08/2023 22:42

You should not have to sit with a 7&9 year old to get to sleep.

You need to give them the skills.

1 - if they are quiet they can stay up later on a game or listen to music.
2 - they are not to get out of bed
3 - they do not shout or come down for anything.

4 - reward food behaviour in the morning.

I think your husband has a point and you should back him here. If he chooses to take them home - then they are taken home - we did this once, that’s all it took.

It sounds like you’re too soft and he’s to hit headed. You are not working as a team. You need to change so the kids change.

Lostinlifenow · 26/08/2023 22:46

Wow! @Anothernamethesamegame I'm absolutely shocked by the harsh replies you are getting here!!
The children are only 7 and 9...they are on holiday in a bedroom together in an unfamiliar place.
It's completely understandable that they are struggling to settle.... they are possibly extremely excited as they're on holiday!! Maybe a little over tired.. at the age of 7 and 9 they'll be lots of emotions running high. I completely agree with you that your husband's reaction is not helpful and will just result in the kids being up longer and struggling more to sleep. I hope that he calms down in the morning and realises that he's over reacting for yours and the kids sake.

Original poster
Anothernamethesamegame · 26/08/2023 22:46

Thank you for the suggestions and opinions. I will be having a think about what to do.

Obviously sleep seperatly is an option and is what we would normally do with them when away from home. However yesterday they managed to sleep together so I guess my husband tried that again tonight instead of separating them. I’d have preferred he just separated them when it was working instead of shouting and making threats.

I think I’ll just let him follow through with it, as consensus seems to be I’m being too soft. See what happens.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anothernamethesamegame · 26/08/2023 22:47

Lostinlifenow · 26/08/2023 22:46

Wow! @Anothernamethesamegame I'm absolutely shocked by the harsh replies you are getting here!!
The children are only 7 and 9...they are on holiday in a bedroom together in an unfamiliar place.
It's completely understandable that they are struggling to settle.... they are possibly extremely excited as they're on holiday!! Maybe a little over tired.. at the age of 7 and 9 they'll be lots of emotions running high. I completely agree with you that your husband's reaction is not helpful and will just result in the kids being up longer and struggling more to sleep. I hope that he calms down in the morning and realises that he's over reacting for yours and the kids sake.

This is my natural reaction to the situation too, but seems most other people don’t agree.

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 26/08/2023 22:47

Honestly OP - regardless of how you will feel about it, you have to let dh take the dc himself.

He js the one who made the grand announcement - you are on holiday with your family and shouldn't have to also be punished.

You'll feel stressed and sad if you go too.

Maray1967 · 26/08/2023 22:48

Anothernamethesamegame · 26/08/2023 22:36

I dunno maybe im Soft. It just feels like a very harsh punishment for fairly annoying but standard difficult kid behaviour.

Show quote history

No, it’s exactly what they need. Ours were brought up to understand that holidays meant

  1. Daytime fun activities for kids, parents fully involved
  2. Evenings - kids don’t muck about as parents want to relax and mix with other adults etc.
If they really can’t settle in the same room, bring DD in with you and DS sleeps in the kids room with DH.
Magnoliainbloom · 26/08/2023 22:50

They need to understand boundaries. I say let your DH take them all the way home. Taking them for a drive to make them think they are going home is cruel. He needs to see it through.

Autieangel · 26/08/2023 22:54

People saying you have to back him up presumably would be happy with their partner deciding to cancel a holiday mid way and would dutifully go home when told too.

Sod that. I wouldn't back him because it's a stupid empty threat. If he wants to be backed he needs to be better.

Original poster
Anothernamethesamegame · 26/08/2023 22:55

Magnoliainbloom · 26/08/2023 22:50

They need to understand boundaries. I say let your DH take them all the way home. Taking them for a drive to make them think they are going home is cruel. He needs to see it through.

We’ll this is part of the issue.
He doesn’t ACTUALLY intend to take them home. He always makes BIG threats but never actually intends to follow through with them. I’ve explained before that it’s better doing something small that you can actually follow through on. EG I’ll say “no switch for the rest of the day” where as he would escalate to “I’ll sell the switch and all your games”.

I get that I am coming across as soft, but the children actually behave much better for me and my strategies get a better response usually, where as his hype up the situation and he back tracks.

When he told me he said he plans to drive part way home and I said well what if they keep misbehaving…you’ll have to keep going then. I know he won’t follow through though.

OP posts:
Xmasbaby11 · 26/08/2023 22:55

I think it’s too harsh a punishment and would never threaten this. Holidays are rare and exciting and kids taking a while to settle is normal. Why not cancel a treat within the holiday instead, an outing or ice creams. It also punishes the other family members who are on holiday to see them. It punishes OP.

my dc are 9 and 11 and not good in the same room, so it does take work and sometimes one of us sleeping with a kid.

However you can’t undermine Dh now. now he has said it you can only encourage the dc to behave well and avoid the punishment.

Indiaplain · 26/08/2023 22:56

Autieangel · 26/08/2023 22:54

People saying you have to back him up presumably would be happy with their partner deciding to cancel a holiday mid way and would dutifully go home when told too.

Sod that. I wouldn't back him because it's a stupid empty threat. If he wants to be backed he needs to be better.

Agree with this 100%. They are just kids over excited , maybe over stimulated - on holiday. When we go away we just sleep separately with one child each - not ideal but everyone gets sleep which is important.

Fwiw I don't think you're 'soft', just empathic

JudesBiggestFan · 26/08/2023 22:58

My suggestion is to both chill the hell out. Let them stay up late, enjoy their company, change your expectations of what a holiday is. I have three boys aged 14,11 and 6 so have had probably 30-40 holidays with kids. I've learned to look at it from their perspective...they're out of routine, over excited, find it hard to wind down. Only start trying to put them to bed when eyelids are drooping, make absolutely no drama/battle about it. Just enjoy having them with you! I promise, nothing bad happens. As for your husband, he sounds ridiculous. I'd be undermining him completely, I don't believe in making ridiculous threats. Just be kind...they're your kids, not the enemy! Model the calm and loving behaviour you want to see.

Original poster
Anothernamethesamegame · 26/08/2023 22:58

just asked him what the plan is for tomorrow and how we are going to deal with it. He doesn’t know.

OP posts:
Lostinlifenow · 26/08/2023 22:59

@Anothernamethesamegame definitely think you should try putting one to sleep in your room to separate. We have had to do that ourselves on holiday previously. Siblings love to annoy each other!!
Hope you can work something out and enjoy the rest of your holiday!!

DutchCowgirl · 26/08/2023 23:00

My kids are 9 and 12. The first few nights in the same room are always difficult. They are excited, everything is new, a bit over tired. It is just the first 2 or 3 nights, then they sleep like a log.
It is a big threat and it is so typical for parents who are also a bit over tired and overwhelmed by all the new things on holiday. Maybe you all need a time-out.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 26/08/2023 23:04

Anothernamethesamegame · 26/08/2023 22:58

just asked him what the plan is for tomorrow and how we are going to deal with it. He doesn’t know.

You get up and get on with your morning as usual. If the kids ask you about it "go speak to your dad about it".

His big grandiose threat - his job to sort this tomorrow.

neilyoungismyhero · 26/08/2023 23:06

Perhaps tell them in the morning that you and Dad have had a long chat about their silly behaviour and on this occasion dad has decided to give them one last chance to behave and enjoy the holiday. Change bedtime tactics maybe as PPs have advised. If that doesn't work then you take them home.

Someoneonlyyouknow · 26/08/2023 23:07

Why not pass on some of the suggestions here to DH? He could start by actually saying to DC that he doesn't want to go home but was tired and wound up by their behaviour. Think now of punishments you both agree on (no sweets or ice cream tomorrow etc)

Could one go to bed a little earlier if they would fall asleep? Then other would have to not wake them. Or put in separate rooms and move when asleep or you sleep separate too.

Original poster
Anothernamethesamegame · 26/08/2023 23:07

I honestly just burst into tears. I’ve no idea what to do now. The holiday we had last year was shit 2 evenings when he exploded because they wouldn’t sleep in the camper van.

When he was threatening I could see the kids hyped up so much they were hyperventilating crying. He was getting angrier and ranting at them. “You’re ruining this holiday for everyone”. Making them feel like shit. For what is essentially, fairly normal behaviour for primary age kids.

Now he’s saying he doesn’t know what to do tomorrow. Because he has no intention on following through. If I have a go at him I’ll be undermining him. If I leave it I know what will happen. He’ll start saying what shall I do?

And actually I know I’m not fucking soft. They can be hard in the car sometimes, so before leaving home I spoke to them about trying hard to get on so the holiday starts calmly and said any issues means £1 at a time taken out of their holiday spending money……and they were fine in the car.

OP posts: