Threat to take kids home from holiday

[Anothernamethesamegame]

Second night in to a holiday and the kids (7/9 yr old) behaviour has been fairly difficult. Not absolutely horrendous but difficult. It’s never that easy. They are both quite hyperactive kids, both clash a lot.

husband, who always struggles managing bed time, has struggled with their bed time tonight. They are in the same room, which is always difficult.

He just threatened them with taking them home tomorrow. Came down and said he plans to actually drive them back some way in the car. I’ve no idea what he hopes to achieve, other than hyping the situation up and making it an awful day for us all. I said “ well what if they continue being poorly behaved” and he said then he’d just drive them all the way home and stay home.

How the hell do I deal with this. Obviously it is massively over the top and he is making the situation 100 times more tense in my opinion. How do I approach this without seemingly like I am undermining him….which he feels I always do?

I don’t have any solutions, but I can sympathise. My DH is like this. The children will wind him up, then he’ll lose his temper and say something silly like he’ll take away their teddies. Then a little later he’s full of remorse and I end up comforting him.

Your DH would make me want to cry.
You can’t bully your way through parenthood and expect your children to be well behaved and respectful. Why should they listen to him?

In the morning I would let DH know that he should be the one to talk to the kids and if he wants to drive them home then you all go together and that’s the end of the holiday. He won’t do that of course. It’s time he stopped being a jerk

I’m gonna have a cup of tea and listen to a podcast on my head phones. My father and brother are still up and I frankly can’t be bothered to deal with them if I go down stairs.

im hoping it all feels a little better in the morning. I really wish I wasn’t on the first day of my period as that makes everything worse (wicked PMS last year or so).

I think I’ll try to speak to him first thing in the AM. See what we can agree as a way forward…both for this holiday and our family life in general. We are meant to be off abroad in October for the first time and I am minded to cancel it.

Agree.
Your DH is completely over reacting and ramping up the situation with threats.
What a miserable thing to do. And then to say if you don't agree then you are undermining him. He needs parenting classes.

Give them a chance to get settled and calm everything down. They are reacting to his temper. If he was more chilled they would be too.

It's such a shame it got to this. Your plan to discuss it with your DH first thing is good then it's time for both of you to lay the law down with the DC. Be serious, set firm boundaries but no empty threats - that's why they misbehave more for DH. Consider the youngest goes to bed first, give them 15 mins to settle down then the eldest goes but absolutely no messing about.

My kids are a nightmare to settle as well. I would accept the first couple of nights on holiday are going to be late ones until they calm down. Send youngest to bed first. Then oldest once youngest has fallen asleep. This is why we would never do an AI holiday. Mine are poor sleepers and need quiet to go to sleep.

Sorry OP, so stressful. Why are some men just so emotionally damaged (I’ve lived with two in my time and it’s utterly tiresome and stressful)! I would probably lose my shit at this point. It’s always you that ends up holding the tension. Perhaps when they all wake up state that there will be a reset of all behaviour. No one is driving home etc and that you are asking everyone to contribute to making it a nice environment to enjoy a family holiday. I wouldn’t give the undermining of your DH another thought - he undermines the family relationship entirely with his actions so bollocks to holding his ridiculous line.

I hope you find a way through x

Also, and I say this with support for you, I would cancel October. I had an explosive father and holidays were huge triggers.

good advice
DH is shouting and upsetting everyone, and when you don't agree you are undermining him. Rubbish. As @Okaaaay said, have a reset. Don't let the awful day carry on for the rest of the week!
The kids are already having a tough time and so are you.
Don't spend time thinking up punishments.

Encourage them to help plan the day, get outside and get them moving - I remember this advice from ever since mine were babies - when things get difficult, get them outside for some exercise, keep them busy.
It always worked even during the terrible twos... and beyond. Have a good audio book that they love in the car. By bedtime they will be tired out, provided your DH isn't stressing everyone out with his temper and threats. Bedtime should be as calm as possible.

He needs Anger Management.

I dunno maybe im Soft. It just feels like a very harsh punishment for fairly annoying but standard difficult kid behaviour

I don't think it IS standard behaviour. Having to sit with a 7 and 9 year old until they go to sleep? If that is the norm that you expect, I'd just not do bedtime if I were him. I'm not wasting 45 mins of my down time because there are no boundaries or consequences for not going to bed in a reasonable manner. Of course, the argument could be that he should have been a part of it way earlier to ensure it never got to that point but I'm wondering if that is realistic? I mean, they must know who is the pushover and who is not and play to that accordingly 🤷‍♀️

They are learning their behaviour from him. He role models angry reactive shouting threatening behaviour, so that's what they see as the way to deal with stressful situations.

Then when he makes his sudden grandiose threats, they probably panic and go into fight or flight. Adrenaline rush hypes them up.

He needs parenting and anger control lessons. Is there even such a thing?

I don’t agree with the posts supporting the husband and saying the kids need to learn.

What they will learn is that their bad-tempered father gets to punish them disproportionately for low level bad behaviour and their mother lets him do it. It won’t improve their behaviour. They’re only 7 and 9. What it will do if he continues like this is make him hate him as they get older. They’ll also resent their mother for not protecting them. That’s the effect it had on me and my sibling. My father used to go off on an almighty screaming temper tantrum about small things that displeased him. We didn’t deserve it, we weren’t badly behaved kids. We ended up detesting him.

I think I’d be inclined to cancel the next holiday too OP, until the two of you can agree what reasonable parenting is and you get assurance from him that he won’t drag them to the airport, yelling that the holiday is over and he’s taking them home, because they were overexcited and played up at bedtime.

I’m a teacher (and parent) and always say to staff and my husband “it’s the certainty not the severity of a sanction” that’s important. Him threatening to take them home and it not being followed through is obviously a recipe for them to continue displaying this challenging behaviour.

Saved before I finished.

Anyway, you’d both be better off sticking to your guns and putting on an united front with something like no ice cream.

If I were you're mother I wouldn't be able to interfere but I'd be absolutely furious with him...and worried for you

Does he overreact about everything?

He's a bully

Would your family help with bedtimes?

If it's more fun they might be more co-operative. And I agree to get them asleep in separate rooms - can you have one and your husband the other?
TBH I'd be so angry with him I wouldn't want to be in the same room anyway.

Nonsense

You comedown with a sledgehammer to crack a nut, what do you do if they do something really bad?

There's nothing left to use.

Step in. Explain this is a holiday for the whole family and mum and dad deserve to enjoy it too. Soften the blow. Explain that dad's reaction might seem shocking but explain why he said it... Because he's stressed and not relaxed. If the adults arent enjoying it then why wouldn't we ho home... BUT if you you calm down and behsvr, we can swim, have ice cream tomorrow. But you have to be good to earn that reward. They need ti make the right choice.its about earning their respect and offering the choice not just punishing them. I totally get why your husband said it though and my approach comes from s big learning curve!

Tell your dh you need to talk as he can’t just end your holiday like this it’s unfair

if he wants to set punishments then they have to be realistic and sensible. If that’s how he wants to parent and not have you undermine him. Think of some sensible sanctions or carrots to discourage or encourage decent behaviour- together. Think of 3 of each

I think there are two issues here.

Firstly, as identified, your husband unilaterally makes ludicrous punitive threats that he has little or no intention of following up on and then leaves you in the awkward situation of appearing to "undermine" him if you don't go along with something that's clearly OTT and unreasonable (and that you didn't agree to in the first place).

But you also obviously don't have reasonable/clear enough expectations / consequences / systems in place to manage your sensitive/hyperactive children.

I get that kids don't always sleep easily in new places. This is not news to you or anyone else. So everyone needs to go into these situations with clear expectations and a reasonable approach based on learned experience.

• The kids need to know in advance what the consequence of mucking around and not settling at bedtime is. Something reasonable, not 'we're ditching this whole holiday if you don't do as you're told'.
• You need to be prepared to do the bedtimes for the first 2-3 nights if you're better at them
• Your husband needs to appreciate that you're taking a hit to accommodate his lack of patience/self-management skills and commit to taking something off your plate/doing something nice in return for you while you settle the kids. Like doing all the dishes and having a nice glass of wine ready for you when you're done. So everyone feels like they are getting a fair deal.

Your kids are old enough to behave on holiday. Your DH is a dick who cant behave properly. I can see where the kids get it from.

@Nanny0gg the PP wasn't saying to punish lightly but to follow through with the punishment because it doesn't matter what the punishment is if you don't follow through.

Why do you put them to bed at the same time? Can't the older one stay up an hour longer while the younger one goes to sleep? You can do "bedtime" with the older one in another room, then just tuck them in?

I hope you get it sorted out but I do think sitting with children put to bed is odd and especially children of that age. From babyhood I said goodnight, turned on their music mobile and left closing the door. The one time I have sat up through the night was with in a hospital with a teenager after surgery who had a bad reaction to an anaesthetic and that was to make sure he kept breathing and didn't choke on vomit.

So many issues here.

Firstly, is your DH happy to spend his holiday with his in-laws, as that would be hell-on-earth for many (& could contribute to the stress-factor)? Is he looking for an excuse to go home?

Secondly, kids your DC age do not need someone to sit with them for 45 mins while they go to sleep - not something to sort out this holiday, but when you're home you both need to change that. They're not babies anymore and as well as making your own evenings much harder than they need to be, the two of you have given your DC the impression they need a parent with them to sleep which isn't healthy. If they were used to settling themselves, tonight possibly wouldn't have gone so badly.

Thirdly, and most importantly, DC do not have the tools to explain how they feel, so they behave in a way which sets others up to feel how they feel.

If your DC were making your DH feel stressed and angry, it means your DC are feeling stressed and angry.

The stress could be from being in a different location/ having to share a room / Dad trying to rush bedtime as he's on holiday when they're used to 45 mins of parent focus on them at bedtime, etc etc. But you need to make them feel calm and happy, so they project that back to you/DH.

PP's ideas of settling them in different rooms etc are good; maybe each take a child and put them to bed separately tomorrow (you've made rods for your own backs with the having to sit with them for 45 mins each, but it is what it is at this point).

Lastly, your DH's anger issues and threats that he doesn't see through need to be addressed. That's terrible behaviour to model to his kids.

You say he recognises it's not great behaviour and he's put himself in a situation today where he doesn't know what to do tomorrow (which is destabilising for both him and the children) Would he consider taking parenting lessons?

Obviously that doesn't solve the problem immediately, but could be cheaper than divorce.