Threat to take kids home from holiday

[Anothernamethesamegame]

Second night in to a holiday and the kids (7/9 yr old) behaviour has been fairly difficult. Not absolutely horrendous but difficult. It’s never that easy. They are both quite hyperactive kids, both clash a lot.

husband, who always struggles managing bed time, has struggled with their bed time tonight. They are in the same room, which is always difficult.

He just threatened them with taking them home tomorrow. Came down and said he plans to actually drive them back some way in the car. I’ve no idea what he hopes to achieve, other than hyping the situation up and making it an awful day for us all. I said “ well what if they continue being poorly behaved” and he said then he’d just drive them all the way home and stay home.

How the hell do I deal with this. Obviously it is massively over the top and he is making the situation 100 times more tense in my opinion. How do I approach this without seemingly like I am undermining him….which he feels I always do?

@Mumteedum thank you for the link.
this resonates with me -
‘Punishment parenting doesn't work. If a parent is being that Draconian it's about their ego because they've lost it and they don't know what to do so they're saving face by being the big boss’.
I think he has a view of parenting that is possibly old school. Do what I say when type parenting. And he doesn’t know what to do when it does to his way. He then fees stressed out of depth and angry and the. Starts ramping up and spewing out ridiculous threats.

I’m just not sure how to manage it. I’ve facilitated him a lot. Stepped in to call things down a lot. And as I think I said before he does recognise it is an issue and has been better recently. But last night was an awful blow up. I’ve woken up feeling hung over.

Aw you poor thing, hope today goes better for you.

Why on earth are either of you doing bedtimes like that? In bed, say good night and leave! They’re not babies, you don’t need to “get them to sleep”. Baffling.

Just click ‘see all’ on the OP’s posts, to avoid looking foolish…

The kids are probably psyched and hyped being on holiday - and also anxious about the change in routine and absorbing the holiday anxiety of all the adults around them.

7 and 9 - not toddlers, no, but not big kids yet either who you can take it as read are mature enough to settle in a new place easily.

I think they need firmness and kindness and calmness to help them settle.

Have read all your posts OP, but not all the replies. Sorry you are having a tough start to your family holiday . This is not your fault. This is on your husband.
He really needs to address his crap parenting style. Losing his temper with young children on a fairly frequent basis is just not on. He ruined your camper van holiday with his temper and now he’s on the road to ruining this one. Is he less than keen on a holiday with your family ? Clutching at straws but that may be a source of stress for him.

If you can find a private place to talk, ask him whether he would be happier leaving the rest of you to enjoy this holiday. He can go home and relax , think, maybe research some parenting techniques. And you can enjoy your extended family.

Hope it goes well.

This. I can't stand hearing shouty overbearing parents making pointless empty threats to cover up their own inadequate parenting skills.

@Azaeleasinbloom we don’t have an amazing relationship with my family, but the holiday has been fine. Not really any stress, it’s been fairly good with the others. He has acted like this on several holidays. So I think the trigger is the holiday bed time and not anything to do with the company (though usually it would be so possibly it’s in the background but I don’t think so).

It feels like not many people have commented on the fact that your DS hit your DD, or have referred to the kids ‘hitting each other’ - was it both of them, or just your DS? What punishment would he/ both of them normally get for this type of behaviour?

But are you methods working? In your original post you said ‘ it’s never that easy’… so sounds regular on-going bad behaviour? I think everyone has different expectations of behaviour, which is why you are getting so many varied answers but personally I would take a harder line if my kids were playing up all the time. It’s hard to tell from your posts! But would also sit down with your husband and work out a natural set of consequences that you both agree on for unwanted behaviour. Explain escalating empty threats will not work as a disciplinary tactic. It will end up that they will just ignore everything he says as they will realise it’s basically meaningless. You can both agree and support each other in a way to manage behaviours and maybe do bedtimes together to show United front for a little while and let kids see you are on same page and good behaviour will result in good consequences too?

I’m trying to stay away and let him deal with it this AM. Seems to be talking to the kids about “what is going to change if they want to stay on holiday”. Honestly though will he follow through if it doesn’t change?

I have had to come back up to bed because I’m fed up of parenting doitn the “is everything Ok” (with significant look) and brother (who has never patented his own child/he has one but hasn’t patented him) putting in his 2 cents.

People asked about parents/brother helping. That’s not possible due to disability and lack of willingness. Brother doesn’t ever baby sit and isn’t keen on kids, which is fair enough and parents struggle to manage due to their own needs and have never managed a bedtime successfully with our kids (we haven’t asked since they were small anyway).

My DS shoved my DD from what I gather, but I wasn’t there.
At home if I see it I have been sending them to their respective rooms for time to calm down and removing something like switch and having a talk with him about how to manage it better. Then talking to DD about the situation. A few months ago hitting was becoming a big problem but I started with the separating and immediate consequences and it has got better.

The two have always clashes though as they have very different personalities. My DD is very loud and energetic (on route to ADHD diagnosis I think-waiting for school input), and my son is fairly quiet and fairly over stimulated by noise/touch. Hence bedtime together is difficult as she keeps talking and he wants her to stop and gets immediately upset and overwhelmed when she doesn’t. Over the last couple of years they’ve tried sleep overs together and it always ended with going back to own rooms because son wants to sleep and DD apparently can’t help but keep talking. I had hoped they older age might mean they can manage in the room together this holiday, but obviously that’s not worked out or if it would have only by parental facilitation.

Your problem here is that neither of you know how to to discipline. You’re trying to punish instead. Discipline teaches and effective lesson while punishment is about power and control.

Your kids play up because they know you don’t mean what you say. Empty threats, giving in, being “too soft”. Effectively you need to start at the beginning and learn how to be a parent.

I've read all your updates, @Anothernamethesamegame. Sympathies.

What in the name of barnacles possessed you to take your DH and DC on this 'holiday' with your parents and brother, knowing what you know about them all, and agreeing to your DC sharing a room?

Who organised it? Did you feel you couldn't say no? Was there pressure, subtle or otherwise?

I don’t disagree necessarily. I wish I could start again. Not possible though is it. I’ve tried several different strategies but it’s starting from a point of already having a difficult dynamic.

I can see how people on here think I’m a terrible parent. But the kids are basically both lovely kids, both very bright, and the kids and I have lovely times together, lots of shared activity and fund Obviously we have issues, but I don’t want the impression that the kids are awful brats 100% of the time. They’re not. But when it goes it goes BAD.

I don't think you're a terrible parent

None of us get it right all the time and I tell you, parenting with someone else who has had a totally different upbringing to you (and therefore models what he knows) is hard. Single parenthood is hard for other reasons but it does make it simpler.

They sound like normal kids to me! Your husband is clearly wrestling with some stuff. There's nothing like having kids to bring out your own childhood issues ime!

Who organised it? Did you feel you couldn't say no? Was there pressure, subtle or otherwise?

^organised by parents. Don’t usually spend much time with them as I dislike it. It will be the last holiday we ever do together I expect and we haven’t done many previously. Even having said that I don’t think it’s the company or the place. Like I said we’ve had this on previously holidays when we have been holidaying alone. It’s the expectation they’ll just got to sleep without any issue and he gets immediately angry when it doesn’t go to plan. He does no preemptive work though, no talking about how bedtime will be, no ideas about how to help them. That’s what frustrates me more.

OP, does he do bedtimes at home? I'm struggling to understand why he's finding it such a trigger point.

Personally I think he needs to approach it with them as a problem to be solved, which would include acknowledging his own mistakes. I'm not sure how possible you think that is though!

It’s the expectation they’ll just got to sleep without any issue and he gets immediately angry when it doesn’t go to plan. He does no preemptive work though, no talking about how bedtime will be, no ideas about how to help them. That’s what frustrates me more.

Isn't that the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results?

I'm wondering if he does this in any other spheres of life.

I don't think you sound like a bad parent at all. I think your H could do with some strategies to help his parenting.

Also I would absolute undermine him if I thought his parenting was way off the mark. There's no way I'd let his anger ruin our holiday.

You’re not a terrible parent OP! I see you doing all the emotional heavy lifting here and trying your best for your family while DH gets to strop and shout and then fall asleep.
I hope you have a calmer day and can enjoy the rest of your holiday. Time for a serious chat with DH when you get home though.

Some of the replies on here are insane. 'WHAT HORROR, your children hit eachother?!'. Me and my siblings are all grown up and in highly respected professions and we love eachother and see eachother regularly but I remember pushing a sibling down the stairs and another sibling, who is now high up in the church and a very wonderful and religious man, tried to drown me. All part of the fun of a close family (We are honestly so close).

In terms of bedtime. Of course you needed to stay up late with them. Its exciting and different. I was up til near midnight my first night on holiday and resorted to a glass of wine. I was totally happy but it was different, why do we expect more of children.

Your husband made an over the top threat in the heat of the moment. Not great but understandable. You said yourself he had been getting better. If its part of a pattern and malicious then yes, more thought required. If everyone was over stimulated and it was a lot then just see if you two can grab a moment together away from the kids, have an open conversation and debrief and come to assuming the best in eachother.

There is never a holiday without kids where someone isnt in floods of tears.

Your DH has a lazy and ineffective parenting style - very much do as I say and not as I do. He finds it difficult to control his emotions after a lifetime of practice but somehow expects his kids to control theirs at just 7 and 9. It’s a hypocritical approach.

Your kids sound like perfectly normal, over excited kids on holiday.

There 7 and 9 and you sit with them at home? Why

She doesn't. Later posts explain that this was a typo.