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Original poster

Threat to take kids home from holiday

277 replies

Anothernamethesamegame · 26/08/2023 22:08

Second night in to a holiday and the kids (7/9 yr old) behaviour has been fairly difficult. Not absolutely horrendous but difficult. It’s never that easy. They are both quite hyperactive kids, both clash a lot.

husband, who always struggles managing bed time, has struggled with their bed time tonight. They are in the same room, which is always difficult.

He just threatened them with taking them home tomorrow. Came down and said he plans to actually drive them back some way in the car. I’ve no idea what he hopes to achieve, other than hyping the situation up and making it an awful day for us all. I said “ well what if they continue being poorly behaved” and he said then he’d just drive them all the way home and stay home.

How the hell do I deal with this. Obviously it is massively over the top and he is making the situation 100 times more tense in my opinion. How do I approach this without seemingly like I am undermining him….which he feels I always do?

OP posts:
Dressmebaby · 26/08/2023 23:08

@Anothernamethesamegame How about putting them down separately? Younger one first then older one half an hour later?

My two have just started sharing a bedroom at home and the first week was chaos at bedtimes! Climbing into each other beds, running around, getting out of bed and playing. Ending up with me shouting and everyone upset/pissed off. Now I put the younger one down while the eldest plays downstairs then cuddles and book with eldest in my bed then she will quietly go to sleep no problem in her bed. No upset children no stressed mummy. And overall its much quicker too. Good luck!

Original poster
Anothernamethesamegame · 26/08/2023 23:09

DutchCowgirl · 26/08/2023 23:00

My kids are 9 and 12. The first few nights in the same room are always difficult. They are excited, everything is new, a bit over tired. It is just the first 2 or 3 nights, then they sleep like a log.
It is a big threat and it is so typical for parents who are also a bit over tired and overwhelmed by all the new things on holiday. Maybe you all need a time-out.

Edited

This is such a kind response it make me cry again!!

OP posts:
MegBusset · 26/08/2023 23:10

Your DH is being ludicrous and unconstructive. 7yo and 9yos mess about and bicker, it’s what they do. And in a strange and stimulating environment (that you and DH chose to take them to) that’s even more likely. Why take them away if you’re going to get stressed about then behaving in totally predictable ways?

Damn right I would (and have) undermine a man who made a ridiculously disproportionate threat like that. I wouldn’t even take it seriously. “Of course we’re not driving home from holiday, that’s not happening. Let’s find another way to manage this.”

Consequences (not punishment) should be a) immediate and b) logically connected to the unwanted behaviour. This is neither.

Relax - you’re on holiday. Lower your expectations around bedtimes. Reinforce and praise good behaviour. Pop them in separate rooms to get to sleep -one can go in your bed and carry them through when they’re asleep. No drama needed.

ssd · 26/08/2023 23:10

Tell him to grow up

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 26/08/2023 23:12

He just sounds like a bit of a nasty bastard tbh. It's not your job to tell him what to do, so if he is asking how to manage his own children (who has been parent to for nearly a decade) then I'd just suggest to him he goes to some parenting classes or reads some books on it - no boss in the land would accept him doing a shit job for 9 years because he needs spoon feeding the steps on how to manage the elements of his job.

Why is parenting different? He should be ashamed of himself.

voltacup · 26/08/2023 23:15

Anothernamethesamegame · 26/08/2023 23:07

I honestly just burst into tears. I’ve no idea what to do now. The holiday we had last year was shit 2 evenings when he exploded because they wouldn’t sleep in the camper van.

When he was threatening I could see the kids hyped up so much they were hyperventilating crying. He was getting angrier and ranting at them. “You’re ruining this holiday for everyone”. Making them feel like shit. For what is essentially, fairly normal behaviour for primary age kids.

Now he’s saying he doesn’t know what to do tomorrow. Because he has no intention on following through. If I have a go at him I’ll be undermining him. If I leave it I know what will happen. He’ll start saying what shall I do?

And actually I know I’m not fucking soft. They can be hard in the car sometimes, so before leaving home I spoke to them about trying hard to get on so the holiday starts calmly and said any issues means £1 at a time taken out of their holiday spending money……and they were fine in the car.

He sounds scary and awful.

Ontheperiphery79 · 26/08/2023 23:16

I don't believe in punishments and I try to keep consequences natural (or logical at the very least).
Seems he has form for screaming at and threatening your children. It might shut them up. It'll also shut them down.
Maybe he should go home on his own, then all of you would be less.on edge.

MegBusset · 26/08/2023 23:16

Does DH (at a non stressful time) have any self awareness about his crappy approach to behaviour management?

Original poster
Anothernamethesamegame · 26/08/2023 23:18

MegBusset · 26/08/2023 23:16

Does DH (at a non stressful time) have any self awareness about his crappy approach to behaviour management?

Yes he does.
Literally when he came out and I asked what went wrong he said, we just all got stressed and me included. He has always struggled with being short tempered, but he been a lot better the last year or so. But he’s just pathetic.
I actually hate him at this moment in time and I wonder if I should just leave him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anothernamethesamegame · 26/08/2023 23:19

And he’s a fucking sleep now!!!!!

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 26/08/2023 23:19

Maybe you could suggest to him that he takes himself off home tomorrow. Kids and you stay on. It'll give you time to consider your feelings towards him, and it will hopefully mean he will reflect on how he acts towards the children.

Original poster
Anothernamethesamegame · 26/08/2023 23:20

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 26/08/2023 23:19

Maybe you could suggest to him that he takes himself off home tomorrow. Kids and you stay on. It'll give you time to consider your feelings towards him, and it will hopefully mean he will reflect on how he acts towards the children.

That’s not a bad suggestion.

OP posts:
MegBusset · 26/08/2023 23:23

So he knows what he does… And the effect it has on you and the DC… and that it’s ineffective and in fact counterproductive? But he still can’t stop himself doing it? So in effect he expects a 7yo and 9yo to manage their behaviour better than he can manage his own?

What’s his suggestion for how he’ll avoid getting in this situation again? I’d be looking at him to take responsibility for changing his pattern of behaviour. Or tbh I’d be looking at my options too.

Qwerty21 · 26/08/2023 23:23

If it were me I'd have him apologise to them in the morning, say he lost his temper and threatened them with something that he didn't mean and wasn't fair. Adults get things wrong too.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 26/08/2023 23:33

Qwerty21 · 26/08/2023 23:23

If it were me I'd have him apologise to them in the morning, say he lost his temper and threatened them with something that he didn't mean and wasn't fair. Adults get things wrong too.

How do you make a grown man do something they don't want to do? You can suggest it. But you cannot "have him do" it.

Bootskates · 26/08/2023 23:37

Funny how hes screaming at the kids that they have ruined the holiday for everyone yet he has had the three of you in tears in one night.

I'd be sleeping in another room tonight and pointing that our to him in the morning. And my kids wouldn't be going on some daft fake journey home and having their holiday cut short for one night of silliness either. He sounds like a bully and I hope you have a better day tomorrow

PercyPigInAWig · 26/08/2023 23:39

I would be telling him that yes I will undermine him if/when he makes such ridiculous unilateral threats without consulting me. Parents don't undermine each other on agreed things like how much cake the kids can have or whether they can stay out longer or whatever but he quite frankly has been a dick and sounds like he could do with some parenting strategies. He could tell them now that they're not going home because he doesn't want to disappoint the rest of the family, saves face a bit, calms them down. He's known them for 7 and 9 years, too right he should be able to put his own children to bed so OP can chat to her brother and parents.

Original poster
Anothernamethesamegame · 26/08/2023 23:41

I can’t bloody calm myself down now. Keep bursting into tears….which is actually really unusual for me. I think my period hormones might be playing in to that.

OP posts:
user1471447924 · 26/08/2023 23:46

FFS the drama here. It’s not hard at all to see why everyone’s so wound up.

PrinceHaz · 26/08/2023 23:47

Sounds like a husband problem - a lazy man who loses his temper and frightens his children.
I don’t like the sound of him.

Bootskates · 26/08/2023 23:48

Try and breathe. Not much you can do about it tonight if he's asleep. Can you have a cup of tea, maybe sit outside your accommodation with it? Maybe a bath before bed? Then wake up tomorrow morning and deal with it head on

Paddingtonthebear · 26/08/2023 23:49

I feel bad for you, you are caught in the middle here.

Here are your problems. You have kids that need stronger boundaries and to learn to stop winding each other up and pissing about. And you have husband who overreacts, railroads and makes things worse in difficult situations. Effectively you end up parenting all three of them. Parenting is a democracy!

If it were me - speak to husband first thing and agree no going home empty threats but a clear family discussion about expectations.Agree one parent doesn’t get to make big decisions in front of. without without discussion. This isn’t just his holiday, or just their holiday. You are there together and they all need to think about that. They need to think about you! Why do all their actions and emotions take precedent?

Aside from that, 46 mins to settle them at their age when you have into relaxation time is not on. Give them 15 mins to settle down and be strict.

Hope it goes better tomorrow.

Jitterybugs · 26/08/2023 23:49

What a crappy situation when you should be enjoying a much needed holiday. Your children are around the same age as my 2 youngest grandchildren. They have their own rooms at home so there’s bound to be a little “silliness” when they’re bunked up together at the start of a holiday. If my son behaved like your husband has tonight I’d be so bloody angry with him. He’s expecting 2 young excited children to behave but he’s the adult and the one who’s having the over the top outbursts and upsetting everyone. If he’s finding it so hard to be on holiday with his children he should go home and let you relax with your family. You’ve done nothing wrong. Try to have some sleep and hopefully things will be calmer in the morning.

RedHelenB · 26/08/2023 23:51

SgtPercyTwentyman · 26/08/2023 22:15

You do nothing. If you don't back him up to the point of going all the way home they you are undermining him.

This. I reckon they'll see sense soon enough!

Itsbritneybitch22 · 26/08/2023 23:52

Tell him yo crack on and you enjoy some peace 😅