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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told him I want a divorce

569 replies

Sowhatimstillarockstar9 · 26/08/2023 20:54

Told my husband on Wednesday I want a divorce. Its been coming for a few months so he wasn't massively surprised.
We have been together 18 years and in that time he has never helped in the house (he asked the other day how to clean the toilet!) I do everything.
He has been verging on emotionally abusive. He's done the silent treatment to me and my daughter. He's punched a wall when I told him about a family holiday, threw a chair when there was a family BBQ. Called my son names and tried to control things from afar while he was away on lads weekends away.
We also haven't been intimate in over 7 years.
Over the last 2 months however when he has realised something is wrong he has been trying to do everything right. Doing housework, trying to be father of the year.
He is saying to me that yes while we have issues none of them are marragie ending!
I have made the right decision haven't I? He is saying the kids will be so upset and I just know he is going to say this is all mummy's decision!

OP posts:
Finmory · 09/08/2024 22:06

OP I would call the police. This is a really troubling escalation in his behaviour.

I'm so sorry, this must be incredibly shocking news.

ClockworkDisaster · 09/08/2024 22:22

Does he have his passport?

Original poster
Sowhatimstillarockstar9 · 09/08/2024 22:23

Yes he hid the children's passports, I havent seen them for 9 months

OP posts:
SauvignonBlonk · 09/08/2024 22:35

I think I’d call the Police for this one too.
He's not acting rationally.

GabriellaMontez · 09/08/2024 22:44

Contact the police. He's a violent, angry, abusive man. He's taken your son overseas without permission. At the very least this needs to be recorded. At the worst, you need the police to be aware of the difficulty situation you're in and how you want your son returned. Contact your solicitor too..

ClockworkDisaster · 10/08/2024 09:59

Once your son is back could you cancel the passports and apply for new ones?

Pumpkinpie1 · 10/08/2024 10:56

Your Ex hasn’t done himself any favours. Taking son abroad without prior agreement is …..! No wonder your dd is scared of his unpredictability.
Report it to the police , and get your solicitor involved first thing Monday .
Im horrified on your behalf !

Pumpkinpie1 · 10/08/2024 10:58

Why on earth did Ex have the kids passports when primary residence is with you?
Does his family know where he has taken your son ?

Original poster
Sowhatimstillarockstar9 · 10/08/2024 12:36

I know where he has taken him, he has told me that. I just didn't know he was going and I fact was told he was going elsewhere.

Its the fact he thinks he can do whatever he wants without checking with me.

I will talk to solicitor again on Monday but not sure what can be done???

Essentially he has made me aware of where they are going and when he is back but just not asked permission.

OP posts:
KTheGrey · 10/08/2024 13:38

Several posters have told you to call the police. If nothing else it will create evidence that you did not consent to his taking them abroad. You should also text him to say you do not consent and he is doing this without your consent, again it’s about getting evidence. I believe the police can contact customs / border control.

Original poster
Sowhatimstillarockstar9 · 10/08/2024 13:45

I have sent 2 messages to say I don't consent to him going.

From solicitor advice yesterday I don't think police would do anything coming back into the country would they.

I think I need to get passports off him bit not sure how I do that.

I also only asked him for permission for a holiday abroad this week for next May which he isn't consenting to!!!!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 10/08/2024 13:49

Well you need to get a CAO which covers who looks after the passport and who is the resident parent. Who has them for what holidays how far in advance it's to be agreed etc.

Assuming you will be you won't need his permission to take them abroad.

He is going to be a dick so start using a court approved parenting app and apply for an emergency court hearing for the CAO.

FFSWherearemyglasses · 10/08/2024 19:12

I also only asked him for permission for a holiday abroad this week for next May which he isn't consenting to!!!!

What a fucking hypocrite!!
He is a piece of work isn’t he!
Sending love and strength OP, you’re doing great 💐

Sicario · 24/08/2024 11:13

Hi @Sowhatimstillarockstar9 - hope you are ok and hanging on in there.

Original poster
Sowhatimstillarockstar9 · 13/09/2024 10:44

Hello! Thanks for checking in.

Things are ok - consent order was approved and a lump sum was ordered to be paid to me before a certain date. That hasn't happened (shock horror!!) so my solicitor is now going for interest on top of that amount.

For the time being the housing people are waiting on me until the end of September for the house so I still have hope that will happen.

DD still won't see her Dad and only this week has been upset about past incidents that keep coming back to her. I have said I'm not prepared to facilitate the contact anymore so he hasn't seen her properly for a little while minus bumping into her on school run or at change over for my DS. Generally though she seems happy and settled. She did say to me last night she used to notice how unhappy I was and how she much prefers me now as I seem happier. It broke my heart!!

DS is still doing 50/50 and I'm trying to just been consistent and supportive of him. I do think it will all come out for him but he might need to be a bit older.

I have been seeing a counselor and am trying to learn to not engage in his demands/messages which makes a massive difference to my mental health.

I am also officially divorced!!!

Not at the end by a long shot but getting there. Next battle when I am in my house is to go to court to take the children on holiday next year!!!

OP posts:
Sicario · 13/09/2024 11:18

Congratulations on your divorce! Bloody well done and great big air punches and fizzy drinks.

The counselling is a very good idea and don't rush it. I had therapy for 4 years and it was life changing for me.

Keep supporting your DD. It's awful to realise that your children have witnessed and sometimes internalised so much of the bad marriage. But you have shown that you are not to be messed with and that you can exercise choice and agency over your life.

You are definitely a Rock Star.

GabriellaMontez · 13/09/2024 12:33

Well done!!

PinkArt · 13/09/2024 17:07

I am also officially divorced!!!
Oh I hope you've had a fucking huge celebration for this - how lovely to no longer be legally tied to him. What a lovely update all round. It sounds like, for now, that's the right thing for both the kids in different ways and I hope you're proud of that. I'm sure he'll keep being a cunt but the therapy sounds like it's already helping you nagivate the next chapter with how you manage him.

Itsokay2020 · 13/09/2024 18:12

I have been following your story from the beginning and want to congratulate you on your divorce! Not something that I would often put in a sentence, as a divorcee myself, but your freedom is something to celebrate. Keep doing what you’re doing, you are stronger than you realise and your DD is lucky to have you, as is your DS 💐

Confusedmeanderings · 13/09/2024 22:35

Congratulations on your divorce! You have come such a long way, even though it might not feel like it.

Pussycat22 · 13/09/2024 23:03

Don't let him try the old suicide ruse. Tell him he's responsible for keeping himself alive. Good luck.x

Whatwasthatshow · 14/09/2024 00:46

So pleased for you well done!! X

Original poster
Sowhatimstillarockstar9 · 25/09/2024 16:05

Bit of a rough week! Consent order money still not sorted so that's costing more money chasing through solicitors.

Ex is in one of his cycles of moods again and is hitting the top so we are getting lots of blame and I am keeping his DD from him.
Also asking me why I haven't been taking DD to counselling. The truth is that she is asking why she has to go as she has done nothing wrong!!

His sister has been posting things publicly on Facebook but has recently been sharing posts from a parental alienation group, suggesting that's what's going on here and I'm stopping them all seeing DD! It's has really got to me, I admit probably much more than it should. I hate to think of that being thought publicly about the situation!!

Starting to see a specialist counselor this week on emotional abuse as recommended by the mediator. I'm hoping that helps me to deal with what people throw at me better.

OP posts:
Sicario · 26/09/2024 16:34

I highly recommend that you block his entire family and all untrustworthy people from your social media, and from other modes of contact. You might also think about whether you need to do this on your children's devices too.

You can't stop people from being arseholes, but you can insulate yourself from seeing it.

Minimising contact and comms with your ex is also advised. Containment is key. Also creating rock solid boundaries as you progress into your new future.

All the rage from his side (including his flying monkeys like your SIL) is akin to the nuclear burst of a dying star as it nears extinction.

Try to ignore all the blame game shit. It's very upsetting for you so you have to find a way to let it bounce off you.

I hope the new counsellor works out. Dealing with the fallout of an abusive marriage is actually really hard. We've been conditioned like the boiling frog analogy. It goes so much deeper than we realise. The healing process is a very long road, but totally worth it.

Sending solidarity and a smash-the-patriarchy t-shirt.

Sicario · 25/10/2024 12:17

@Sowhatimstillarockstar9 - how are things going? I hope the new counsellor is working out. Sending positive vibes to you.