To have told him I want a divorce

[Sowhatimstillarockstar9]

Told my husband on Wednesday I want a divorce. Its been coming for a few months so he wasn't massively surprised.
We have been together 18 years and in that time he has never helped in the house (he asked the other day how to clean the toilet!) I do everything.
He has been verging on emotionally abusive. He's done the silent treatment to me and my daughter. He's punched a wall when I told him about a family holiday, threw a chair when there was a family BBQ. Called my son names and tried to control things from afar while he was away on lads weekends away.
We also haven't been intimate in over 7 years.
Over the last 2 months however when he has realised something is wrong he has been trying to do everything right. Doing housework, trying to be father of the year.
He is saying to me that yes while we have issues none of them are marragie ending!
I have made the right decision haven't I? He is saying the kids will be so upset and I just know he is going to say this is all mummy's decision!

Ignore all his bullshit. I know that's really difficult to do because you are currently in a high-stress high-alert situation. Anyone who has been through a nasty divorce will recognise the stomach-churning stress you are currently dealing with.

He is being aggressive and combative in his approach, because that's the kind of person he is.

He is still trying to control everyone and everything, and this is coming out in his anger and in his instructions to his solicitor. (Remember that the solicitors will have seen it all before.)

Solicitors don't care about the bullshit and arguments. They're just doing a job that they do every day. The more combative a divorce, the more money they make, so they really couldn't care less either way.

Try to keep your eyes on the prize:
Getting a divorce decree
Getting a fair financial settlement

If you can gather any evidence of your STBX's behaviour towards your daughter, that would be wise. His admittance that he doesn't have a good relationship with her, for example. Also, what is he doing that makes her so distressed? Ask her. Maybe she wants to write it down for you. Perhaps record her calls to you sounding distressed and asking to come home.

My DCs hated seeing their father. I eventually defied the court order and refused to engage with him (he was highly controlling). He kicked off for a while then quickly gave up, blaming me for parental alienation, when in fact he had managed to do that all by himself. Truth was that once he couldn't control everyone he lost interest.

Never had a penny in child support of course.

Have you spoken to school OP to see what support they may be able to offer both of your children? They may have someone who can talk to them independently for you.

Are you and I married to the same guy?

Perhaps it would be a good idea to get a counsellor for your DD, you might be able to get her to understand the situation better, that the break up is not your fault, and that she should be spending time with her dad for the time being.
I feel its not good for the siblings to be separated like they seem to be at the moment, your son needs to see how his Dad interacts with his sister.

I don’t have much advice but just wanted to say stay strong! He sounds like an awful manipulative bully. He is using his children in this game causing them to be upset whilst you are trying to do everything you can to keep them happy.

Please don’t go back to him. He is not good for them. Keep collecting evidence. If he keeps on like this he will have a lot less access to his children.

Is it worth getting some kind of restraining order against him if he keeps on turning up when he isn’t supposed to be there putting extra pressure on you? That might require you have to have to use a 3rd party for pick up/drop offs though. Although the kids are old enough to be able to get out of the car and into your house themselves and for you to drop them at school and him to pick them up without close physical contact between you.

My son stayed with him last night night after football so I went to pick him up this morning to take him to school. My daughter went up to her bedroom to get something and he followed and said she was 100% sleeping there tonight. She lost it and had what I would describe as a panic attack. She was saying she didn't want to stay there, screaming at me to promise to pick her up. He took his phone out and started to record it all.

He has taken her Alexa out her bedroom and has said she can't have her phone so she was very panicky about not being able to contact me.

I eventually calmed her down enough to get her into school.

I am wondered what to do tonight - do I go round and see if she is OK, as I presuming he won't allow her to call me?
He has also emailed me saying he has other recordings of her behaviour and if she doesn't stay there tonight the next communication on childcare will be from his solicitor.

I really don't know what to tonight, I hate to think of her in that state.

It’s great that he has recorded evidence of how upset she is getting about having to stay with him. Can he send you a copy? I would not go there unless she contacts you otherwise he will see it as good reason for him to start calling at yours when it’s your days to have the children. Collect her if she does call you and await the communication from his solicitor. In the meantime, contact your own solicitor for advice on this.

One of you needs to put your DD’s best interests at heart and it won’t be him.

I am confused as to what he thinks the recordings will prove other than she hates being there and he isn’t parenting well

Poor DD, no wonder she doesn't want to stay with him. His daughter is clearly distressed and instead of showing some empathy (instead of thinking it's all about his rights as a parent - makes me sick!) he films her when she is vulnerable. How is she supposed to feel safe in his company if she knows he will film her when she is panicked. What an abusive cunt. I'm sorry she, and you, are going through this.

You have tried so hard to be reasonable but she doesn't want to go, it's distressing her, he records her at her most vulnerable. I think it's time to advocate for her and say, she's not staying there unless she wants too, it's impacting her mental health, you have no empathy for this situation and abuse her when she's at her most vulnerable. If you take issue with this decision bring it up in court. Close any further contact with him about this issue, all correspondence through solicitors. If she wants to go let her, if not then she stays with you. She's old enough to decide for herself. Because it's now becoming so toxic and so destructive for her mental health.

Exactly this.
He is weaponising his children - what kind of parent does this??!!!

I actulay wonder when you will take any advice on mumsnet. this is unbelievable.
OP this is on you now as you are facilitating his behaviour .

You are only going to live with regrets.
Your Dd needing Counseling and your Ds manipulated and all because you won’t protect them

I don’t think the OP is here for advice @Takeabreather23, I think she’s here to offload and sort her thoughts, which is fair enough.

Has anyone mentioned separation anxiety?
It’s quite common, actually, in children.
I used to cry - sob - when I went to school at age 6 and my mum was unmoved. She ignored me completely and sternly sent me off to class. But I wanted, or needed, so desperately to stay with her.
I was also the youngest.
And also, let the bastard yell and rant and carry on — that’s really not going to carry any weight whatsoever in court. Your STBX sounds like a major head case and a big fat bully. What judge on the planet do you honestly think will buy his bullshit???
The court may order a counselor to interview both children, and deliver an unbiased report to the judge, who in return will decide what’s best for the children.
And that’s all you need to worry about - not some nutjob whose fragile ego has been been crushed, not only because his wife rejected him, but his kids have too.
You’re fine. Stay strong. Sending love from the States.

Has he been told that is words and actions are what is upsetting the children? That for the good of the children, you need to work together, him sniping and blaming is horrendous for them. He needs to put the children first. This is so sad. I imagine this behaviour just galvanises your feelings for him what a vile selfish bully.

You are done with being a skivvy. You want a sex life but not with him, with someone you fancy and fancies you back.

Tell the kids "daddy doesn’t treat mummy kindly and mummy wants to be happy. We are seperating but we both love you very much"

He's angry that his domestic appliance stopped working.

The horror that he will have to cook and clean for himself!

They havent had sex for 7 years! You cant fix that. You cant expect a woman to open her legs for the man who is abusive and maniplative towards her.

Unbelievable shit advice.

Your husband is abusive towards you and your children. You need to get fixed contact sorted not this flexi 50/50 set up. 50/50 is madness given how awful he is. Sorry OP but however hard it is you need to go to court to get a proper arrangement in place. This will be better for your children who won't be able to be bullied into going more and constantly have the fear of when they are going hanging over them. I can guarantee your DS hates going as much as your DD. It's hard to hear OP and I can see you're trying desperately to do the right thing. The trouble is he isn't.

So sorry you are having to deal with his mind games with the children , been through exactly this and am now happily out the other side. Your instinct is to protect your children from any mental, emotional, psychological harm whereas his objective is to win and he will use any means to do that, he will manipulate, lie and you will continue to be absolutely floored by the lengths he will be prepared to stoop in order to achieve his aim which is to destroy you, and grind you down. Never underestimate how low he will go, it's no good trying to be amicable with this type of person. My ex was happy to seperate my children using bribery(money, clothes, freedom from sensible parenting. One was susceptible to this and one wasn't. The effects are long lasting, but he was relentless with his revenge.
A strong solicitor will guide you and stop this trauma for your daughter. The forced overnights can be stopped if causing trauma to your child ,
This was so effective in helping my child to adjust. You need a STRONG solicitor to act for you

Things are still so stressful, I'm not sure how to get though the day without feeling overwhelmed and exhausted.
2 weeks ago he forced my DD to stay overnight, he took all communication and told her that his solicitor had said she didn't have a choice she had to stay.
Since then she has refused to even go with him unless she has a guaranteed way of coming back to me. She has stayed 1 night with him in about 6 weeks. She even refused to gobon a weekend away with him.

My solicitor has said to go with it and he thinks he is bluffing about having a solicitor, he thinks I would have had a letter by now.

I'm so worried about my DS. Its very clear he is being manipulated and has tonight gone to stay with his Dad as he missed him. I think it was pre planned and I don't know how to help my DS. Am I supposed to just be here when he needs or to force the issue? I think my STBX is getting back at me by using DS.

I have been reading a great book about covert passive narcisistists and it's him to a tee. How did I spend so long not realising.
Everyday seems so stressful at the moment.

I haven’t read any other posts except your own OP so unsure if people have suggested this but you need social services as your children especially your daughter needs to be safeguarded from her dad also you yourself need a restraining order for when he turns up on your times. He is emotionally abusive to you all and for their and your safety this needs to be a priority… I’m surprised your solicitor hasn’t already suggested this. Don’t worry about people believing his lies… it’s very obvious from your posts what he is doing and you could also use these posts as a diary, I don’t even think he would get 50/50 I’ll be honest, get social services involved, don’t be frightened, they will probably suggest going to court/car as and then it’s all legal then and he can’t manipulate you any further. You doubting yourself is years of emotional abuse/financial abuse, I hope you get it all sorted you sound like you have an amazing family support x

Also you need to let your daughter know that a solicitor doesn't have that kind of authority l. I think the manipulation of your son is getting seriously disturbing. Contact the school, speak to the safe guarding lead. This is a toxic situation for not only you but your children and is doing damage to their well being.

You can't just try to keep the peace like you have been doing. It's time to take action- it's your children's health that's at risk.

@Sowhatimstillarockstar9 how are things OP? Thinking of you x

Thanks for the message. Things aren't great, he has recently lost his temper in front of the kids. I wouldn't give him back a house key so he slammed my car door and then whilst on his own with the kids he fell to the floor and punched the floor (my daughters words). She then asked to call me and he ran up the stairs and she heard another thud. He is passing it of as he was upset but my daughter says it wasn't that.
I also found out that 3 weeks ago he took my daughter out of school to the GP to get her referred for mental health.
At the moment she isn't seeing him unsupervised. She refuses to anyway and will just stand and say she isn't going.

He refuses to see he is the problem and is blaming it on separation anxiety from me and saying I am talking negatively about him.

My son is more complicated because he does want to see his dad but I am sure he is being manipulated.
I am recording every single thing that happens as advised by my solicitor.

It was my sons birthday the other day and he messaged to ask if he could come and watch him open the presents I had got him before school. I had to say no to his on message twice. When I got up in the morning around 6.15am I had a quick peek out the window to check the weather and he was sat in his car outside the house. My son had seen and asked if he could come in.

On the money side I have accepted 50% of just the house to get a quick settlement. I just think if that's done it's one less thing he has to control me!!