To have told him I want a divorce

[Sowhatimstillarockstar9]

Told my husband on Wednesday I want a divorce. Its been coming for a few months so he wasn't massively surprised.
We have been together 18 years and in that time he has never helped in the house (he asked the other day how to clean the toilet!) I do everything.
He has been verging on emotionally abusive. He's done the silent treatment to me and my daughter. He's punched a wall when I told him about a family holiday, threw a chair when there was a family BBQ. Called my son names and tried to control things from afar while he was away on lads weekends away.
We also haven't been intimate in over 7 years.
Over the last 2 months however when he has realised something is wrong he has been trying to do everything right. Doing housework, trying to be father of the year.
He is saying to me that yes while we have issues none of them are marragie ending!
I have made the right decision haven't I? He is saying the kids will be so upset and I just know he is going to say this is all mummy's decision!

A battle still ahead of you.
Please don’t settle for less than you are entitled to just for an easier exit, you may regret this long term

@Sowhatimstillarockstar9 I had really hoped, with the passing of time, that things would settle and a new (acceptable) normal could be reached for you all. His intrusive behaviour is awful, I can’t imagine how this must make you feel on a constant basis. Reaching financial settlement, albeit at a lower percentage than you are perhaps due, seems a good decision all things considered. I worry for your DC, particularly your DD, and I hope sense will prevail and third parties will intervene and speak their truth.

His behaviours are designed to cause upset. It's part of him punishing you for daring to end the marriage.

Divorce is always a horrible business and it's very distressing to see one's own children being dragged into the mess. Sadly it's the only way when divorcing someone who is determined to make it as difficult as possible for you. Lots of us have been through similar, so you are not alone.

Remember that there will come and end point. You just need to keep taking one step at a time.

Don't be tempted to settle for less than you are entitled to. Your solicitor will be able to advise you.

Sending solidarity.

Hope you aren't all fed up of me! Another awful weekend!! It was my time with the children and all I have had all weekend is messages from him to ask when he can see them, to say DS wants to go to watch football with him... etc...

My DS didn't want to go to football, we had plans with cousins and had a love weekend. Until 6pm tonight where after he spoke to his Dad to say goodnight he wanted to go stay there. After talking to him I agreed.
I think I worry about putting a foot wrong with him at the minute because he is so under his dad's spell.

I have been bombarded with messages today. He is saying DD isn't scared of him, I am making her say it and I have engineered the whole situation.

I am so tired... my life will never be conflict free again will it? I am so worried about loosing my little boy.

I am so sorry you are still having such a difficult time with him. I wonder if not communicating via instant messaging might be a boundary you could put in place. I have read on other threads women changing to email for correspondence.

You can also turn the wi-fi off on your phone to read the message for WhatsApp and it won't show as read. Or just turn off read receipts. He should not be constantly messaging you. Another form of control, mute him.

Hopefully someone with better advice can come along for help with your son. Being a loving and consistent parent will be of great support to him. I do think saying to him in the evening it is to late to change to his dad is ok to.

I understand you still feel like you are treading on eggshells. He is punishing you. You do have elements of control though. Definitely look at making his ability to contact you on your time with the kids limited.

This sounds like a sensible approach potentially. It doesn't sound beneficial to be so closely in touch with him all the time.

I guess the only risk is if you want him to be able to IM you if the kids are with him and something needs your attention?

Maybe email and telephone call or something could work?

There are 1 or 2 court approved Apps as in they can be used as evidence in court.

Research and start using one of those.

Sorry I haven't read all your recent posts but if you have a contact arrangement agreed in principle stick rigidly to it and not even respond to message for extra ad hoc etc.

Block him everywhere else, check the app on the morning of contact only etc.

It's very difficult to put boundaries in place with abusive/controlling people. They will fight tooth and nail to assert their control.

His constant messaging is an extension of his controlling behaviour.

It might be worth you contacting Womans Aid to ask if they have any suggestions for how you might handle this.

Obviously you need to keep a line of communication open for child contact, but it should be for nothing more than that.

I still think a cheap burner phone, permanently set on silent, with a new number just for him might be a sensible way forward. Then block him on your normal phone. That way you can remove the stress-reaction to any sounds from your phone, and only check the burner phone when you have a mind to.

Also a plainly-worded message to him, "Please stop bombarding me with messages. Contact arrangements are X"

So sorry for all the stress you are going through.

How about blocking him when the children are with you? He doesn't need to contact you then.

Had a lovely weekend with the kids this weekend. Some slight issues but he didn't even answer the phone to say goodnight to them Saturday or Sunday.

My solicitor has written to him and his solicitor with the examples of behaviour my DD is talking about and has said she is currently scares to spend time with him on her own.

Solicitor has also said in his email that I have concerns he is undermining me with DS and given examples of times he hasn't returned him as agreed. This was almost 2 weeks ago and i haven't had a response yet.

I know it's hard to say for sure but will the court listen to a just turned 10 year old? She is very adamant in her views and is very emotional intelligent.

I also applied for the conditional order and that will be done before the end of the month and finances can be signed off.
I have been approved for a mortgage in principle for a shared ownership house so fingers crossed that all works itself out.

Hi OP,

Thanks for the update, fingers crossed for you over the house,

I have no experience with divorce and children etc, so can't offer any help, just sending you lots of hugs and support

Thanks for updating Op. I do think the courts will listen to your DD especially if you can show your Ex is being unreasonable with her. Good luck with the house, it will help the DC to have a new home

Had an email from his solicitor today saying he doesn't accept the events that were detailed in the email from my solicitor. These were the things my daughter has said as to why she is frightened to see her dad.

He has said he would like us to start family therapy to work through things or he will issue a court application.

I'm not sure what my next step should be. I feel like this is almost the last ditch attempt to control things.
I have spoken to the therapist who has been recommended (from my daughters counselling) and she seems lovely.

Oh OP I am so sorry.

I don't have any advice I really wish I did. Maybe family therapy would be an eye opener to him as to how badly he has behaved both before the split and after.

I hope someone who has far more knowledge than me will be along to offer you guidance,

Sending you and your DCs lots of hugs

Usually it is inadvisable to enter any type of therapy with an abusive person. Which your ex is, he’s manipulative and controlling.

I’d advise that you write back detailing that your DD is having counselling and you’ll take professional opinion on what therapy might or might not be beneficial to her in due course.

You basically just need to seem not obstructive - as he’s clearly trying to paint parental alienation- but not roll over and do as he says either. Take advice, take your time, remain as reasonable as you can.

@NoSquirrels thank you for your response.
I was worried about the fact that parental alienation will be his angle and he did send me an article on this a few months telling me I should read it!!

I am currently facilitating his contact with DD. Every time it would be his day I am meeting up with him and taking her. We have been to the park, bowling, cafes and even shopping the other week. I have also met up with his Mum and Dad and taken DD to see them. He wants me to meet up with all his family at the weekend and bring DD to see them!!

I worry about her being forced into something she clearly wouldn't be happy with. I also worry about going to court and him painting this picture of me manipulating her to say these things. Which couldn't be further from the truth.

Her therapist has recommended family therapy as a way for her to directly talk to her Dad.

@Sowhatimstillarockstar9 - protecting your children is of course your number 1 priority. He is still displaying his controlling behaviours and trying to manipulate the children, which is a cruel and stupid thing to do.

It is possible that the therapist might produce some kind of report for the court's consideration. (It's a long time since I went through this same scenario.)

You are in no way obliged to meet up with his family or to facilitate his contact time beyond making the children available to him. Of course, if your DD wants you around to support her, then that is different (but again entirely up to you how you want to play it).

If the therapist has recommended family therapy then you might give it a try, although as previous posters have said, therapy with an abusive person is generally not recommended. However, as it is your DD and she is in a position of having little or no power in this situation, I would try it but make sure I was there to support her. I would also talk to her in advance (or ask her counsellor) so that she feels clear about what she wants to say and has the language to express herself clearly.

Always bear in mind what the bottom line is here - you are divorcing a difficult man who is determined to "win" no matter who he hurts in the process. Channel your inner lioness and don't let him bully you.

i have left for all these reasons after 20+ years, trust me you are doing the right thing. And I got asked the exact same, is there someone else involved ha ha. It is hard in the beginning and you constantly question yourself but just vision a year from now how much more chilled you will be and everyone commenting how good you look through not being run down and walking on eggshells all the time. Good Luck OP xx

This weekend he messaged me asking if I would swap days this week as he wanted to take DS to a sporting event after school which is 3.5 hours drive away from where we live. I said no as he wouldn't be home until 2am and that's not appropriate for a school night.
I went to pick up from school today and the teacher told me he had already been collected by his dad!!
Sure enough I then had a message to say he has collected him early and was taking him.

I have been straight on the phone to my solicitor who is making an application to court tomorrow. It was a quick call as end of the day but said he would call again tomorrow.

he did mention something about a prohibited steps order and a lives with order. Does anyone know anything about these?

Talk to your solicitor urgently Op, a prohibitive steps order covers a certain issue where your parential rights will be removed, basically he's trying to set up arrangements where you won't be able to tell him No. Legal advice soon as possible Op

Er, yeah it's mummy's decision!

Daddy is a lazy and abusive, and mummy deserves a better husband and dd deserves a better daddy. That's the truth.

It's all part of him asserting control tactics. Demonstrating "she can't tell me what I can and can't do with my own son" and so forth.

As you say, totally inappropriate behaviour, especially on a school night as your DS will be absolutely knackered and in no fit state for school the next day.

Good that your solicitor is making an application. The courts will take a dim view of his actions. The prohibitive steps order will be to prevent him pulling shit like this in future. If he breaks the order it's a criminal offence.

Sorry Op, completely misread your post. You getting the order is perfect, your ex thinks he can do as he likes, sadly you need to prove him wrong or he'll never stop

A Prohibited Steps Order would outline things that your ex would not be allowed to do - it can be to prevent someone taking a child out of the country, but it could also be that he would not be allowed to collect your DC on days when he isn't looking after them or to take them our of school early without your written consent.

A lives with order would clarify the custody arrangements. I don't think the court would think it is good parenting to take a child out of school early, on a week night, to keep him out till 2am without the other parent's consent.

Daddy mistreats mummy and thats isn't how daddies treat mummies. Mummies aren't spaces are they? Mummies and daddies deserve to be happy and love one another. Daddy doesn't love or care for mummy.