To have told him I want a divorce

[Sowhatimstillarockstar9]

Told my husband on Wednesday I want a divorce. Its been coming for a few months so he wasn't massively surprised.
We have been together 18 years and in that time he has never helped in the house (he asked the other day how to clean the toilet!) I do everything.
He has been verging on emotionally abusive. He's done the silent treatment to me and my daughter. He's punched a wall when I told him about a family holiday, threw a chair when there was a family BBQ. Called my son names and tried to control things from afar while he was away on lads weekends away.
We also haven't been intimate in over 7 years.
Over the last 2 months however when he has realised something is wrong he has been trying to do everything right. Doing housework, trying to be father of the year.
He is saying to me that yes while we have issues none of them are marragie ending!
I have made the right decision haven't I? He is saying the kids will be so upset and I just know he is going to say this is all mummy's decision!

A prohibited steps order states that their primary residence will be with you until they are 18. I doubt how that would help with your current situation.

Omg OP this is torturous. This will all be over for you all one day.

Keep going and doing whatever the hell you need to do.
Don't take any shit from him.

Prohibited steps order!

How are you getting on OP?
my ex used to be an utter dick, changing holidays at the last minute etc.
We now have an extremely rigid Child Arrangements Order setting out precise dates and times for access.
We use The Family Wizard app for communication.
My daughter was asked at 6 by the court how she would like to divide her time between her parents, then again aged 9 (dad wasn’t happy with her decision so applied to the court again). Court should ask your 10 year old.
Ex is slightly less of a dick now. Still tries to control though - he’s desperate for some control. Sad man.

How did it go, @Sowhatimstillarockstar9 ?

Hello!
Since my last update I have reserved a house for me and the children. Consent order is about to be submitted to court so I'm hopeful that by end of September we will be moved into our our house!

DD is still refusing to see him on her own. I am still facilitating the contact so will go a few times a week to a park, cafe, bowling so they can see each other. I'm not sure how much longer I can keep doing this as it interferes with me starting to build my own life. She will not go without me though.

On advice of solicitor we have stared fanily therapy. He said the courts are looking more to things like that in situations like this. The children have their first session in the next few weeks. I don't think it will help and don't think DD will want to see him.

DS has been making comments still about how it's not fair DD gets to chose what she wants to do. He said oh well I will day I am scared of Mummy then so I can stay with Daddy. None of this is him and he is actually happy and settled with me just not sure how I handle it.

Feels a bit surreal that it's been 8 months since I left!!!

Sorry just realised this is an old thread and my reply to OP is a bit dated.

Good to hear from you @Sowhatimstillarockstar9 - it sounds like things are moving in the right direction. It's never easy with kids, but it will eventually settle into a pattern.

You do not have to keep facilitating DD's contact. Just make sure she is available, and if she refuses to go with him, then he will have to take that up with the courts himself. DD will be old enough to express why she doesn't want to see him, and her wishes will be taken into account.

He has a history of intimidation and bullying, so that's squarely on him.

He is starting to crank up again. I have received an email today stating that i have to agree to take my daughter to days out with him and I have to agree to take my daughter to see his family once a month. There is a whole list of other stuff he wants me to agree to!!!

I also think the house is going to fall through as I am dependant on consent order being sorted and it hasn't even been submitted to court yet. Its probably my only chance at a house this year as shared ownership don't come up that often.

It's all about control.

Perhaps you need to accept that you are going to have to walk away from the shared ownership. Grey rock and agree to nothing. Don't even bother replying.

Can your solicitor message saying there will be no further concessions or negotiations until the consent order is sorted?

You are already facilitating contact and going to family counselling, so there is a reason he hasn't brought his list up there - because it is not reasonable.

Definitely the right decision. When you're out (emotionally), you're out & there's no coming back from that. Good luck & enjoy your future life.

Hang on in there. It's totally draining, I know, but find your strength and scream into a cushion.

You don't have to (and please don't) agree to any of his stupid vexatious demands. As a previous poster said, it's all about control.

He can fuck right off.

Nobody tells you what to do any more.
Your life.
Your choice.

Put the email in a folder and ignore it entirely.

How are you doing @Sowhatimstillarockstar9 ? I hope you are okay and keeping your strength up.

@sicario Thanks for the message.

I am waiting on him to sign the consent order which I am hoping he will be this week.

I have spoken to a new solicitor as I don't feel like I am getting the right support from mine. I am going to stop facilitating contact for them as its not good for my wellbeing. He won't like it and expect a backlash from it but I can't go on forever going to meet up with him because it's 'his' day.

His sister has now started to message my SIL saying I am not allowing them to see DD.

It's taking me so long to really let go of how he feels, I think I was conditioned to that for so long.

He has also now started saying he needs to be coming on my days with the children and he should be allowed to come to what I have planned otherwise it shows I don't care about his relationship with his DD.

Oh and also when I see him I have to be nice to him and cat amicably otherwise the children pick up on it!!!

He is being unreasonable, no you don't have to go with him and chat nicely, yes if you see him you must be polite for the childrens sake but you are getting divorced. He is hoping you will cave or at worst show his kids how unreasonable you are (which is not true).

This situation with your DD, was me as a child. My Mum was honest and accommodating with my Dad and when I went to Dads he guilt tripped us. As a child its difficult and I loved my Dad but he was asking me to do and say things I wasn't happy with and so I avoided going as I didn't want him to be disappointed with me....that created problems with me and Dad and my siblings who wanted to go to Dads and he pulled the "if she doesn't come, you can't come routine! Me and my siblings were fine when we were with Mum, but the arguments all revolved around Dad. He loved us and felt he was being short changed by the divorce, even though it was his behaviour that was the catalyst for it. He very much lacked self awareness. As an adult I can rationalise that he very much loved us, but he was dysfunctional and did not realise his issues and blamed Mum. Don't get me wrong, part of the issue was that this went on for so long, because Mum had facilitated his behaviour by keeping quiet to keep the peace - its a vicious circle. But ultimately if someone repeatedly does something wrong and nothing is said, it does become a big unbelievable shock when they eventually they have to face it, as no-one has said anything before. So stand firm lady!

What I will say I have picked up though, is that he seems to want to spend a lot of time on activities for his son, which may unintentionally alienate his daughter further.

You are one hundred percent doing the right thing. The fact you are thinking you should stay with him for the kids sake shows your love for them, but its wrong. Do you really want your kids to grow up in that environment, thinking that this is how adults behave and what relationships are?

Sending you big hugs and please continue the updates, as I am heavily invested in this now.🥰

You need to absolutely grey rock.

That you will DD available for contact but you will not force her to go with him and that you understand if he wants to take it to court so CAFCASS can be involved.

Good grief. I can only imagine how frustrating this is for you.

It's not easy to change your mindset. These things take time. As always, keep your eyes on the prize.

@RandomMess is right about grey rock technique (or yellow rock - look them up). Practising emotional detachment is something that needs to be worked on and gets easier with time.

He wants to insert himself into your newly-independent life. The bottom line is that he can bugger off. That's why you're divorcing him. He no longer gets a say in any of that.

He is using other people, like his sister, as "flying monkeys", sending them in to do his dirty work. Ignore all of them. It's none of their business.

Stick to your guns. Stand by your kids. Take no prisoners. And you're doing really well by the way.

Consent order officially submitted to court today and I have had my official mortage offer through!!

I am away with just me and my children for the weekend. Sat in a hotel now with them both asleep with lots of hope for the future!!

This week our family therapist gave us some advice that my daughter shouldn't be made to see him and she needs to be in control of it for a while. He really hasn't liked that message and is doing what he can to control it, he even messaged the therapist yesterday saying we were confused by the message and needed to meet her again!!

Now the finances have gone to court I'm planning to email back to him on his 'suggestions'. One was I go on a day trip with him every 2 weeks, another was that I meet up with his family once a month and another was we need to give our DS the same choice we are giving DD.

I'm going to tell him I am no longer prepared to facilitate contact between him and DD, fully expecting him to apply to court!!

The 4 hours of abusive, controlling and bullying message I received yesterday were just too much!!!

Stay strong, you are doing the right thing for you and your children. However, when things settle down, try and rebuild a relationship between him and his kids as ultimately its for their benefit although he is not really considering anything but himself at the moment. Be the better person (as you have throughout).

You are doing so amazing! Keep going xx

Fantastic news! Ruddy well done! I hope you have a completely marvellous weekend.

You could choose not to respond to any of his messages. You could also consider getting a second phone - a burner phone - just for him which you can choose when to switch on and/or check. Then block him on your regular phone number / email, and set up new email and number just for him.

There are lots of benefits from doing this. It will prevent him being able to contact you whenever he wants, and will place that control firmly with you. Have a think about it.

Sounds like your family therapist knows their onions. It's a rough time for you and the kids, but things will get better.

Sending strength and solidarity.

Had a text 45 mins after I dropped DS off that he wasn't taking him to the seaside but was taking him to France.

Hasn't asked permission, not sure what to do.

Surely he can't do that without permission? Or can he is the consent order hasn't gone through the courts yet?
I'd be calling the police immediately. He might be bluffing, he might be making a run for it but whatever is happening you surely need the authorities involved.

No child arragment order in place so he should have my permission.

I have messaged back saying I haven't agreed to him being taken out the country.

He says I took them abroad 2 years ago when we were married and he didn't agree to that!!! So this is the same.

He isn't bluffing, they are on the way there now.