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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hope my dad would have been generous enough to help my sister

164 replies

Picklemeyellow · 26/08/2023 14:26

My sister and I are close. We also have a close relationship with our parents who are now both in their early 80’s.

Dad is in good health physically and mentally but sadly our lovely mum has Alzheimer’s. She lives at home with dad. Both dsis and I live close by. I go and see/help them most days and my sister helps out a few times a week. She also cleans their house every week.

My parents are very comfortable financially. They live in a large house which is worth well over £600k and they have hundreds of thousands in their bank.

Since leaving home over 25 years ago I have never asked for money from my parents and don’t intend to or expect any, their money is theirs. As far as I am aware my sister has never asked for money either.

My sister works hard as a full time as a cleaner and runs a small business with a friend. Money has been quite tight for her at times as her partner is a minimal wage earner.

I am quite worried about my sister. In recent years she has not been well. She feels poorly most days but can not take time off because she is self employed and would also lose clients if she took too much time off.

About 2 years ago she developed a thyroid issue. She then experienced some heart symptoms and it was discovered she has very high calcium blood levels. This continues to be the case. After much faffing around by the NHS and lots of scans she was told earlier this year she has Parathyroid disease and the diseased gland will need to be removed.
However, due to the NHS being in the state it is and the recent strikes, her operation keeps being put back. Earlier this year we were told the op would be this summer (I went with her), now it’s more likely to be next year.
And as an incidental finding when having the CT Scans, it has been discovered she also has a large bronchogenic cyst, which is benign but due to its location and a possible risk of becoming malignant, it is advised she should also have this removed (god only knows when this op will be?).
She is becoming more and more poorly. Constantly shattered and sleeps as soon as she comes home from work, has palpitations frequently and feels very weary. The hospital and GP are next to useless. She is not one for pushing anything and is just waiting for appointments to come through. I worry about the long term leaching of her calcium levels as our mum is bent over with osteoporosis and this runs in the family as does heart disease.

Anyhow, long story short, our dad is fully aware of her health issues and how she is currently feeling but will not offer to help her go privately, I have asked him but he says it’s up to the NHS to help her.

If I had the money myself I would not hesitate to assist her to go privately.

Now, I appreciate dad and mum’s money is theirs and theirs to do with whatever they wish to but it’s upsetting that a) give money each month to various charities but can’t help his daughter out and b) dad now controls all the money (mum would have offered instantly) and the majority of their £££££’s in the bank is actually via mum’s inheritance from our grandad and he wouldn’t have hesitated to help my dsis as he was a very generous man and loved us immensely as we were his only grandchildren.

I just can not envisage being in a comfortable financial situation like my parents are and NOT helping my own dc if they needed it for health issues. Like I say this is my dad not my mum. If she had capacity she would not have hesitated to help.

I know they need to keep as much money saved as possible incase mum needs to go into care but even so……

AIBU to think my dad is being a little bit tight arsed?

OP posts:
Friggingfrog · 26/08/2023 14:29

Yanbu. Sister needs to stop cleaning their house every week and explain to your dad she can’t anymore as she is too unwell. Maybe he’ll be inclined to help if it directly impacts him. It’s a shame he doesn’t want to help when he’s able to- does he realise how bad the nhs is these days?

Gothambutnotahamster · 26/08/2023 14:29

He's being extremely tight, but not sure what you can do about it. Your sister does sound like she's running herself into the ground & as a minimum she needs to step back from helping your parents (at least in the short term). They can afford to pay for help, so thats what they should do, especially given her health issues.

HauntedPencil · 26/08/2023 14:29

Under the circumstances I'd agree. Particularly with the level of help she's giving, maybe she needs to stop the weekly clean for them and your dad can pay a cleaner as that's one less thing for her load.

I can't imagine having more money than I'd potentially ever need in the bank and not offering to help

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 26/08/2023 14:30

I think your dad's behaviour is awful and if I were your sister, I would stop cleaning their house immediately.

Tinkerbyebye · 26/08/2023 14:32

Your sister is not well. She needs to stop cleaning, your father can pay someone. She needs to stop helping out so much, your father can pay for help

MatildaTheCat · 26/08/2023 14:34

Do you think he might make it a ‘loan’ in terms of an advance on anything she might inherit?

I think his generation do still have this sense of faith and entitlement that the NHS can do anything and private health is a waste of money. Obviously that’s not always the case now.

Does he pay her for the cleaning she does there? If not I’d suggest she’s not well enough to do that.

HauntedPencil · 26/08/2023 14:34

A weekly clean would cost him!

HauntedPencil · 26/08/2023 14:36

MatildaTheCat · 26/08/2023 14:34

Do you think he might make it a ‘loan’ in terms of an advance on anything she might inherit?

I think his generation do still have this sense of faith and entitlement that the NHS can do anything and private health is a waste of money. Obviously that’s not always the case now.

Does he pay her for the cleaning she does there? If not I’d suggest she’s not well enough to do that.

This is a good point actually in that it may not be just meanness/tightness but the faith/ opinion that some people have that you've paid in and why on earth should you pay privately when you don't have to. I assume he's been careful with money and wants to feel you inherit it maybe.

user1469908434 · 26/08/2023 14:38

I can’t imagine my child being ill and having the means to do something about it and sitting on my hoard of cash! Even worse that it’s your mums cash, not his!

I’d suggest you and your sister withdraw any help you’re giving! Let the tight bugger pay for care/cleaners/gardeners etc!

cptartapp · 26/08/2023 14:41

This would taint my opinions of my parents irrevocably. Who would be happy to sit on hundreds of thousands of pounds and let your DD bleach your toilet? She does have a choice. Have you both been brainwashed into thinking this is acceptable?
Dreadful parenting. I would be seeing far less of them.

Littlemissalone · 26/08/2023 14:42

I think that's shocking. Really selfish behaviour from your dad. Your poor sis. I actually think I would create a fuss about it and make a point. I would back off from helping them.

Babyroobs · 26/08/2023 14:46

It is not acceptable but maybe he is thinking along the lines of your mum maybe needing care and being able to pay for Nursing home care which is very costly. he maybe begrudges paying for something which he thinks should be free when he may need to pay for Nursing home care which won't be free. Even large amounts of savings can disappear very rapidly in care home fees should it come to that for either or both of them.

Babyroobs · 26/08/2023 14:48

And as others have said, she needs to stop cleaning for them or charge them her going rate straight away. Them letting her do this when she is ill and they have the money to pay someone to do it is really taking the pee.

Original poster
Picklemeyellow · 26/08/2023 14:50

HauntedPencil he believes that anything private is a complete waste of money and a ‘rip off’. He had a dodgy mole last year, it worried him sick but he would not go privately and have it removed quickly as he said private doctors are just out to make money.
It’s taken me an absolute age for him to agree for a carer to come in a help wash mum in the mornings, again he see someone charging £25 per hour extortion. I wish I were joking but sadly I am not.
He wasn’t always this way but as soon as they inherited so much money 25 years ago he started to think everyone was after that money?!
He is just so tight it’s draining. He is constantly asking me to check if he’s entitled to this benefit or that benefit because he’s elderly or because mum has dementia, I literally had to shout at him the other day to stop, to stop asking because he is entitled to absolutely nothing with half a million in the bank ffs!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Picklemeyellow · 26/08/2023 14:51

Not brainwashed at all cptartapp, we do this all for our mother, our lovely mum who was always kind and thoughtful and is now very unwell and needs us.

OP posts:
Itick8outof10boxes · 26/08/2023 14:52

I wouldn't hold my breath on a future inheritance either if he is like this now whilst his dd poorly. Controlling and nasty, but then you don't need to put yourself out for him either so works both ways.

CornishTiger · 26/08/2023 14:52

They prob would be entitled to attendance allowance though.

I just find this very very sad. Beyond sad. They can’t take it with them. Spend it.

Original poster
Picklemeyellow · 26/08/2023 14:53

I don’t think my sister will stop cleaning for them. Dad leaves the house a bit messy and dirty and it drives her insane!
Yes, she is her own worst enemy at times. I refuse to clean their house. I do enough, I will never clean for them.
He gives my dsis and I £50 every 6 weeks or so, for the help we offer. Neither ask for it so it’s a bonus whatever it is.

OP posts:
Original poster
Picklemeyellow · 26/08/2023 14:54

CornishTiger mum does received AA, it pays for the day centre she goes to once a week.

OP posts:
Ejismyf · 26/08/2023 14:58

I'd actually lose my shit with him in this situation to be honest. Just say end of the day your daughter is very ill you can't put a price on your health and it's absolutely disgusting that he is prioritising money in the bank over his own daughters wellbeing and doing what is best for her whilst also allowing her to wear herself out helping HIM tidy his house when she doesn't need to and he's partly in the financial position he is due to your mother and her father who both wouldn't of even thought twice about helping her. He needs to stop being so self centred and help his daughter.

Babyroobs · 26/08/2023 14:58

Picklemeyellow · 26/08/2023 14:50

HauntedPencil he believes that anything private is a complete waste of money and a ‘rip off’. He had a dodgy mole last year, it worried him sick but he would not go privately and have it removed quickly as he said private doctors are just out to make money.
It’s taken me an absolute age for him to agree for a carer to come in a help wash mum in the mornings, again he see someone charging £25 per hour extortion. I wish I were joking but sadly I am not.
He wasn’t always this way but as soon as they inherited so much money 25 years ago he started to think everyone was after that money?!
He is just so tight it’s draining. He is constantly asking me to check if he’s entitled to this benefit or that benefit because he’s elderly or because mum has dementia, I literally had to shout at him the other day to stop, to stop asking because he is entitled to absolutely nothing with half a million in the bank ffs!!

Well it's not strictly true they can't claim anything. Your mum can still claim Attendance Allowance and once she gets AA she can claim 25% off her council tax bill. You'd be surprised how many older folk do still claim these things even with huge amounts of savings, I do know this because I help a lot of people to claim Attendance allowance as part of my job and they live in huge houses and still want to claim everything they can !!! So your dad is not unusual in this respect.

Babyroobs · 26/08/2023 14:58

Picklemeyellow · 26/08/2023 14:54

CornishTiger mum does received AA, it pays for the day centre she goes to once a week.

Sorry crossed post.

Original poster
Picklemeyellow · 26/08/2023 14:58

Itick8outof10boxes my dad has already said he doesn’t really give a shit what happens to the money once he passes. He says if it all gets swallowed up by care home fees then so be it. I don’t expect to ever receive any inheritance, I made my piece with that a quite some time ago.

OP posts:
Original poster
Picklemeyellow · 26/08/2023 15:00

Babyroobs I suppose they believe they are entitled because they worked so many years and ‘paid’ into the system?

OP posts:
Babyroobs · 26/08/2023 15:01

Picklemeyellow · 26/08/2023 15:00

Babyroobs I suppose they believe they are entitled because they worked so many years and ‘paid’ into the system?

Yes definitely. My own in laws both used to claim AA despite having loads of savings. they never used it for it's intended purpose ( ie paying for care or towards extra heating), it just built up in the bank for years on end.