To hope my dad would have been generous enough to help my sister

[Picklemeyellow]

My sister and I are close. We also have a close relationship with our parents who are now both in their early 80’s.

Dad is in good health physically and mentally but sadly our lovely mum has Alzheimer’s. She lives at home with dad. Both dsis and I live close by. I go and see/help them most days and my sister helps out a few times a week. She also cleans their house every week.

My parents are very comfortable financially. They live in a large house which is worth well over £600k and they have hundreds of thousands in their bank.

Since leaving home over 25 years ago I have never asked for money from my parents and don’t intend to or expect any, their money is theirs. As far as I am aware my sister has never asked for money either.

My sister works hard as a full time as a cleaner and runs a small business with a friend. Money has been quite tight for her at times as her partner is a minimal wage earner.

I am quite worried about my sister. In recent years she has not been well. She feels poorly most days but can not take time off because she is self employed and would also lose clients if she took too much time off.

About 2 years ago she developed a thyroid issue. She then experienced some heart symptoms and it was discovered she has very high calcium blood levels. This continues to be the case. After much faffing around by the NHS and lots of scans she was told earlier this year she has Parathyroid disease and the diseased gland will need to be removed.
However, due to the NHS being in the state it is and the recent strikes, her operation keeps being put back. Earlier this year we were told the op would be this summer (I went with her), now it’s more likely to be next year.
And as an incidental finding when having the CT Scans, it has been discovered she also has a large bronchogenic cyst, which is benign but due to its location and a possible risk of becoming malignant, it is advised she should also have this removed (god only knows when this op will be?).
She is becoming more and more poorly. Constantly shattered and sleeps as soon as she comes home from work, has palpitations frequently and feels very weary. The hospital and GP are next to useless. She is not one for pushing anything and is just waiting for appointments to come through. I worry about the long term leaching of her calcium levels as our mum is bent over with osteoporosis and this runs in the family as does heart disease.

Anyhow, long story short, our dad is fully aware of her health issues and how she is currently feeling but will not offer to help her go privately, I have asked him but he says it’s up to the NHS to help her.

If I had the money myself I would not hesitate to assist her to go privately.

Now, I appreciate dad and mum’s money is theirs and theirs to do with whatever they wish to but it’s upsetting that a) give money each month to various charities but can’t help his daughter out and b) dad now controls all the money (mum would have offered instantly) and the majority of their £££££’s in the bank is actually via mum’s inheritance from our grandad and he wouldn’t have hesitated to help my dsis as he was a very generous man and loved us immensely as we were his only grandchildren.

I just can not envisage being in a comfortable financial situation like my parents are and NOT helping my own dc if they needed it for health issues. Like I say this is my dad not my mum. If she had capacity she would not have hesitated to help.

I know they need to keep as much money saved as possible incase mum needs to go into care but even so……

AIBU to think my dad is being a little bit tight arsed?

DisforDarkChocolate I have suggested my sister contact PALS as this has been going on now for almost 2 years. It’s getting ridiculous.

No advice, but I hear you. FIL is worth over a million, and never ever does anything for DH or his sister. We are ok money wise, but SIL is absolutely shit broke. No treats, no holidays, sells her stuff on ebay to make a few quid, no heating on in winter, her little daughter's have never had a birthday party. FIL takes several long haul holidays a year, lives in a palatial home, has multiple cars, spends a fortune on meals and treats for himself and his GF. But he wouldn't dream of giving his children a leg up. I can't fathom it.

Pretty sure if you told Adult Social Care your dad refused to meet your mum's needs with a new mattress when he got one for himself, they'd get involved on your mum's behalf.

Because that's deliberately neglect, and harmful to your mum.

OP you sound far too passive and too quick to say, "Oh well, just how it is", but (with respect - my mum died of dementia) your mum needs you to fight for her no matter if that means doing a bit less for a short time.

Your dad is a selfish bastard(😳). You will put your mum first far better by making official services aware of his neglect of your mum.

I hate to be so critical of someone else’s elderly parents but that is just unforgivable behaviour imho. My parents are well-off and have paid for me to have private care to remove a skin cancer lesion and have laser eye surgery (I had TERRIBLE vision, coke bottle glasses etc). I was so grateful I cried. I didn’t even ask, my dad just said , go private, I’ll pay, when I told him my skin cancer would take at least a year to get sorted. Your sister sounds so ill, I really feel for her and I hate NHS attitude along the lines if ‘well you’re not near death so you’ll have to wait’ I think I ‘d find it hard to stand by and not have a massive go at your dad for not helping. What if she passes away while waiting for treatment?! Is he really ok with it being on the NHS?! Unbelievable. I would move heaven and earth to help my kid if she was ever that ill.

This !

Your father is a very cruel and uncaring man. Has he always been like this? Your poor mother living with that. He also is selfish, pays out for his own comfort, and could not care less about his children. Very sad.

Is have this illness too OP and the thought that an operation to remove the tumour and get my life back is all it could take is amazing. Though I'm in your sis position where I'm very low down on the priority list. It's such a shame your parents can't help her out. It would make her life so much better. Also the longer she has high calcium in her blood the more likely she will develop other problems sadly. If I had the money I would go private. If it was one of my children and I had the money there would be no question. So sorry for your poor sister. It's such a devastating disease xxxx

And you don’t think being a child of said parent has the same effect?? I look after and care for the welfare of BOTH of my parents. I take umbrage at your remarks I am financially abusing my father. I also suspect you are being deliberately obtuse.

OnlyOpenMouthToChangeFeet do you live outside of the Kent area? My friend is in Kent and receives excellent service via Beneden. However, I have it and am outside of Kent, I have had trouble getting appointments etc.

I’d be so utterly ashamed and upset of my father if he had hundreds of thousands in the bank, and wouldn’t give over 4/6 thousand for an operation. One that would greatly improve his daughters health and quality of life.

How awful.

Parathyroid disease is horrific. I've had it before, and have it again. Excess calcium takes a huge unseen toll on your body. You lose the calcium from your bones, which in itself is painful (persistent aches in your wrists and forearms), and the the calcium is deposited throughout your body, particularly impacting your heart and kidneys, leading to high blood pressure, increasing your risk of heart attack, and kidney stones.

But that's the more obvious stuff. Less obvious are the psychological changes - your memory goes, you lose the ability to focus. Your emotional state is hugely impacted - mood swings, depression, anger, irrationality are all part of this condition, as well as the fact you spend most of your time feeling like you could just burst into tears.

Insomnia is awful and you spend hours awake even though you are truly exhausted. Some people find they gain weight rapidly, others lose it. You end up absolutely drained. But the brain itch is awful. No matter how tired you feel, you can't rest, and all the other symptoms pile in on top. You're tired, but you can't sleep, so you get irritable, and angry that this is what you're dealing with. You feel yourself slipping into the brain fog, and so you grasp on to those things you can control (it could well be why your sister still cleans). It's an illness that invisibly erodes you and you disappear into the condition. It is horrible.

But the weirdest thing about this illness is that you have an operation and literally in minutes your body starts to return to normal. Your body recovers and rebuilds, and all the previous damage is reversed. Your bones rebuild, your brain settles. You have a small scar on your neck, but you get yourself back.

I'm not in the UK, so not at the mercy of the NHS. I have health insurance and that covers what I need. But I could never imagine being in a position of feeling as awful as this condition can make you feel and knowing someone could help me and they won't. My heart goes out to your sister.

WingingItSince1973 I am sorry you are also suffering with this also. I am very concerned about her blood calcium levels. I don’t think my sister fully understands the potential long term complications of this either. I hope you get this sorted soon xxx

After reading the bit about the bed mattress, I have to agree with a previous poster - your father is a cunt.

Yeah the mattress refusal plus the taking ages to agree to get a carer to
wash your mum are what I was getting at - he is putting his desire/need to hang onto money over his wife's wellbeing.

How was he persuaded to get the carer in, in the end?

Yes I called him a nasty old man. And that I’d tell him some home truths. Of course it’s his money-in which case he needs to be told that as he doesn’t believe in caring for his family in difficult times, he can use the money to pay for home help instead of abusing his sick daughter.

My sister has literally everything you have described. I had never heard of parathydisease before this and had no idea on the impact on the body. I honestly don’t know how she gets up every day and drags herself to work. She can not sleep at night at all and has put on so much weight which is leaving her feeling so unhappy and depressed. I can not believe the hospital has left her so long. We have a patient service within our NHS, I will help her to write an email to them. I do hope you can get your issues sorted soon. Best of luck to you.

Being mean with money shows so much about a persons character.

You & your sister sound like lovely daughters. After reading about the mattress on top of this- he sounds incredibly selfish. I think in your position I’d have to say something OP.

Because he was struggling getting mum showered every morning and I could not help as my own health issues are worse in the mornings. Luckily a friend of a friend is a carer so I had her come and have a chat. She has been an absolute Godsend tbh.

I wonder if he sees his and your mother’s finances as a buffer, as security and therefore overlooks them. Money is safely away from anyone who could “rip him off”. As this is his focus, concentrating on this angle might galvanise him into action.
He cannot assume he will spend some or all of their finances before they both die. Is he aware how much inheritance tax is payable on their estate, regardless of who inherits - how much the tax man will take (rip him off)? In the last few weeks the sum of money gained by the government in the last year from IHT has been published. Refer to it. Do some calculations about your parents’ situation before this exchange. State the amount of money raised from the house and savings which would be taken by the tax man. It’s eye watering. He might see this as a “rip off”.
Still focusing on money, ask him to consider the seven year rule. If he were to pay for your sister’s private treatment now (assuming it’s in excess of £3K), each year before your parents die less tax has to be paid by her upon the sum given. At the end of seven years the tax which can be levied is nil. Be ahead of the tax man, dad, and pay for it now. (Of course, your sister needs it now but he’s not rising to this.)
If you convince your father to release some money, run the implications by a wealth manager before proceeding. That’s really, really important.
Judging from your updates, appealing to him by emphasising the severity of your sister’s health (even if you suggested she might have to raise the money herself which would have a detrimental effect upon her own circumstances) wouldn’t work.

You mum needs to go in to a nursing home
get social services into assess her ,tell them he won’t buy her a mattress,
there are some lovely homes ,your mum would be well cared for ,
then you can cut your dad off ,and leave him to wallow in his own thoughts

100%

I'd be pulling back my assistance, too. They can pay for it.

Actually if your sister’s operation costs £6K, he can use the tax-free allowance from this year and last year to pay for it.
Point out that if left in the estate, IHT will take 40% of this. Does he want to gift it to the tax man rather than his daughter?
Suggest one of her clients has offered to pay and shame him into it?
Get him to talk to a wealth manager. He’ll be persuaded how to use his money wisely before he dies.