To hope my dad would have been generous enough to help my sister

[Picklemeyellow]

My sister and I are close. We also have a close relationship with our parents who are now both in their early 80’s.

Dad is in good health physically and mentally but sadly our lovely mum has Alzheimer’s. She lives at home with dad. Both dsis and I live close by. I go and see/help them most days and my sister helps out a few times a week. She also cleans their house every week.

My parents are very comfortable financially. They live in a large house which is worth well over £600k and they have hundreds of thousands in their bank.

Since leaving home over 25 years ago I have never asked for money from my parents and don’t intend to or expect any, their money is theirs. As far as I am aware my sister has never asked for money either.

My sister works hard as a full time as a cleaner and runs a small business with a friend. Money has been quite tight for her at times as her partner is a minimal wage earner.

I am quite worried about my sister. In recent years she has not been well. She feels poorly most days but can not take time off because she is self employed and would also lose clients if she took too much time off.

About 2 years ago she developed a thyroid issue. She then experienced some heart symptoms and it was discovered she has very high calcium blood levels. This continues to be the case. After much faffing around by the NHS and lots of scans she was told earlier this year she has Parathyroid disease and the diseased gland will need to be removed.
However, due to the NHS being in the state it is and the recent strikes, her operation keeps being put back. Earlier this year we were told the op would be this summer (I went with her), now it’s more likely to be next year.
And as an incidental finding when having the CT Scans, it has been discovered she also has a large bronchogenic cyst, which is benign but due to its location and a possible risk of becoming malignant, it is advised she should also have this removed (god only knows when this op will be?).
She is becoming more and more poorly. Constantly shattered and sleeps as soon as she comes home from work, has palpitations frequently and feels very weary. The hospital and GP are next to useless. She is not one for pushing anything and is just waiting for appointments to come through. I worry about the long term leaching of her calcium levels as our mum is bent over with osteoporosis and this runs in the family as does heart disease.

Anyhow, long story short, our dad is fully aware of her health issues and how she is currently feeling but will not offer to help her go privately, I have asked him but he says it’s up to the NHS to help her.

If I had the money myself I would not hesitate to assist her to go privately.

Now, I appreciate dad and mum’s money is theirs and theirs to do with whatever they wish to but it’s upsetting that a) give money each month to various charities but can’t help his daughter out and b) dad now controls all the money (mum would have offered instantly) and the majority of their £££££’s in the bank is actually via mum’s inheritance from our grandad and he wouldn’t have hesitated to help my dsis as he was a very generous man and loved us immensely as we were his only grandchildren.

I just can not envisage being in a comfortable financial situation like my parents are and NOT helping my own dc if they needed it for health issues. Like I say this is my dad not my mum. If she had capacity she would not have hesitated to help.

I know they need to keep as much money saved as possible incase mum needs to go into care but even so……

AIBU to think my dad is being a little bit tight arsed?

It is his choice what he does with his money you can't change that and frustrating as it is should shift your focus to what you can do to help your sister that than what you think think other should do. Complaining about your dad is wasted effort and will just bring you down, it is what it is.

Why on earth is she choosing to continue to clean their house instead of letting them outsource it so she saves her energy for her paying clients that will keep a roof over her head? I would really help her explore her feelings why she does this.

Have you/she investigated how much is the operation is privately? Can you and/or your sister take out a bank loan to fund it.

Is she entitled to any benefits she is perhaps not claiming?

If she has kids can you childmind more to give her a break?

Can you batch cook bigger meals and save portions for her to help her out saving her cost and effort?

How sad. Does he not understand the seriousness of her bad health?

I'd do as someone else has suggested and write him a letter to read and digest in his own time.

I think his generation think the NHS should be used to sort stuff out, but it cannot be relied on like it used to.

Have you ever said to your dad that you'll never forgive them for not helping his daughter when she was so sick and for continuing to use her and making her sicker.

£50 every 6 weeks? What an absolute cunt. (Is that £50 each, or between you?).

The only thing I have to add is, if anything he is doing (or refusing to pay for) is having an impact on your mum's wellbeing (e.g. refusing to pay for care that she needs) it's a massive red flag and you can raise it as a safeguarding concern with the GP or Social Services.

If I were your sister I'd cut contact. If I were you I'd be tempted but I suppose someone has to keep an eye on your mum.

I know quite a few elderly who refuse to pay for their own care as their savings pile up in the bank. I don't think I know any who wouldn't help out a relative though.

I think that you and your sister need to discuss this properly together and then be clear to him where the boundaries stand.

Either he is part of a family who pull together and help each other. In which case he needs to use some of the money which he has to fund your very poorly sister’s treatment.

Or he needs to be clear that he isn’t interested in all pulling together. In which case he needs to stop accepting your help.

I’d tell him a few home truths. Then if he doesn’t change, I’d spend the hours that you’re helping him, on helping your sister instead. She needs to stop cleaning for him.

You have to factor in elder abuse when you’re deciding to call eighty year olds names.

This is the second thread in a row of the children of parents trying to dictate what they do with their time/money. No wonder the government are terrified of okaying a Euthanasia bill!

Nobody is "dictating" anything, on this thread or the other one. The OP's father can spend his money (or not spend it) on whatever he likes. But equally his daughters can think he's a miserly old so-and-so for choosing not to help his daughter when it's well within his means to do so.

My MIL needs a hip op, I'd be straight there if I had the money. People like your father baffle me, she needs to step right back from them and get the rest she needs.

Also, sit down with her. Get details of how often it's been cancelled and complain to PALs. Copy in her Consultant.

And so the daughter thinks that to herself and gets on with it. You don’t stamp your feet and start name calling. That’s what kids do. Yes it’s disappointing and for your sister it’s upsetting. But that’s life!

Where was the OP calling her father names? Other than referring to him as tight arsed on this thread, which her father is unlikely to be reading?

I'm in the states where trying to figure out how to pay for medical expenses is just a part of life.

Medical costs are a slippery slope and can lead otherwise financially sound people to bankruptcy. It is a HUGE ask to have family members - especially stingy older retired people - to pay for other people's medical. The expenses can accumulate quick as this procedure goes wrong, oh, but we need to do that procedure too, oh, but you need to see this other specialist, oh you really need to take this drug but it's new and very expensive...it just never ends. It's risky.

Other options are credit cards, travel to another country and get medical procedures for super cheap, or a gofund me page. Looking to your dad - who won't get a mold removed, which is inexpensive even as a cash patient - is just hitting your head against the wall.

If the OP didn’t one of the subsequent posters certainly did.

I’m also reading posters talking about straight talking with the father and telling them some home truths. Alternatively you could have some respect and accept it’s not your money to lay claim to. Elder abuse happens daily but seems to be acceptable to many on here.

I have some experience of this personally. You may find that your father’s lack of empathy and focus on money is part of the aging process. They become disproportionately wary and fearful about not having enough. Personality change is very common; just because your mum has obvious deterioration, does not mean your dad doesn’t have less obvious problems.

I have found the Alzheimer’s Society Dementia Talking Point helpful. It may make you approach this in a different way. Mental health issues can be as tough as physical health.

I wonder if they could use their Attendance Allowance to pay your sister ( that’s what it’s for). And could he speak to someone about wealth planning who could encourage him to make use of the gift allowance annual to avoid tax ~ that might appeal? You could always tell him he could get it back at some point?

Agree she should stop cleaning their house.
Its also entirely possible your dad is not all there cognitively either… I often think when one person in the couple has Alzheimer’s, the other looks good mentally from the outside- in comparison- but in reality I expect he is also in some kind of cognitive decline at that age and losing some sense of rationality. Could you ask your dad again? I would say that you feel your mum would have absolutely wanted to help. Do you feel your dad is mentally ok??? The fact he’s ignoring the fact your mum would have likely offered some help makes me think he is behaving irrationally actually. He could offer her some money if not all the cost of private care.

Your suster needs to speak up, stop cleaning for them, she chooses to do this. She can speak up and say she is sick snd needs xxx £££ for private appt.

YANBU. Your sister needs to stop doing the cleaning and rest on the times she would have cleaned your parents house.

I'm not sure how a random Mumsnet poster calling the OP's dad something could be considered elder abuse. You know you can highlight all of the OP's posts so you don't get confused?

He's an absolute see you next Tuesday