To hope my dad would have been generous enough to help my sister

[Picklemeyellow]

My sister and I are close. We also have a close relationship with our parents who are now both in their early 80’s.

Dad is in good health physically and mentally but sadly our lovely mum has Alzheimer’s. She lives at home with dad. Both dsis and I live close by. I go and see/help them most days and my sister helps out a few times a week. She also cleans their house every week.

My parents are very comfortable financially. They live in a large house which is worth well over £600k and they have hundreds of thousands in their bank.

Since leaving home over 25 years ago I have never asked for money from my parents and don’t intend to or expect any, their money is theirs. As far as I am aware my sister has never asked for money either.

My sister works hard as a full time as a cleaner and runs a small business with a friend. Money has been quite tight for her at times as her partner is a minimal wage earner.

I am quite worried about my sister. In recent years she has not been well. She feels poorly most days but can not take time off because she is self employed and would also lose clients if she took too much time off.

About 2 years ago she developed a thyroid issue. She then experienced some heart symptoms and it was discovered she has very high calcium blood levels. This continues to be the case. After much faffing around by the NHS and lots of scans she was told earlier this year she has Parathyroid disease and the diseased gland will need to be removed.
However, due to the NHS being in the state it is and the recent strikes, her operation keeps being put back. Earlier this year we were told the op would be this summer (I went with her), now it’s more likely to be next year.
And as an incidental finding when having the CT Scans, it has been discovered she also has a large bronchogenic cyst, which is benign but due to its location and a possible risk of becoming malignant, it is advised she should also have this removed (god only knows when this op will be?).
She is becoming more and more poorly. Constantly shattered and sleeps as soon as she comes home from work, has palpitations frequently and feels very weary. The hospital and GP are next to useless. She is not one for pushing anything and is just waiting for appointments to come through. I worry about the long term leaching of her calcium levels as our mum is bent over with osteoporosis and this runs in the family as does heart disease.

Anyhow, long story short, our dad is fully aware of her health issues and how she is currently feeling but will not offer to help her go privately, I have asked him but he says it’s up to the NHS to help her.

If I had the money myself I would not hesitate to assist her to go privately.

Now, I appreciate dad and mum’s money is theirs and theirs to do with whatever they wish to but it’s upsetting that a) give money each month to various charities but can’t help his daughter out and b) dad now controls all the money (mum would have offered instantly) and the majority of their £££££’s in the bank is actually via mum’s inheritance from our grandad and he wouldn’t have hesitated to help my dsis as he was a very generous man and loved us immensely as we were his only grandchildren.

I just can not envisage being in a comfortable financial situation like my parents are and NOT helping my own dc if they needed it for health issues. Like I say this is my dad not my mum. If she had capacity she would not have hesitated to help.

I know they need to keep as much money saved as possible incase mum needs to go into care but even so……

AIBU to think my dad is being a little bit tight arsed?

Ejismyf he never used to be like this. He has too much time on his hands and is getting worse. Only this week we (he and I) were on our hands and knees, on the pavement outside his house with torch shining down the water meter because the meter reader had misread one digit and charged him £30 too much. Yet another example of people ‘ripping’ him off in his opinion lol!

That’s exactly what my dad was doing Babyroobs, mum had been in receipt of AA for several years until I noticed it was building up in the hundreds!

This

I agree with you @Picklemeyellow , it's hard to imagine a loving father with the means to easily assist watch their daughter go through that losing her health and her income. I'd be really angry with him I think.

Its common for older people, particuarly men, to suddenly very get concerned about their money pot. Its a reaction to feeling old, not being able to provide anymore + feeling you don't have a handle on what things cost anymore. My Grandad did the same. He didn't have as much, but had given a few family members two thousand each to put in savings as an early inheritance. He suddenly wanted it all back in his name. One family member had dipped into his money to help with the cost of a new boiler + they fell out for months!
Being against paying for anything on the NHS is also common. People are spending a few years in pain rather than paying on principal. Its so sad. Part of it is the lack of value we assign to the "free care" the NHS gives us. Overtime, as a nation we have all lost the ability to assign a cost to our use of health care.
Work on him slowly and subtly. Get family, friends and carers to do the same. The carers will surely have tales to tell. I suspect as a family you all just keep going + don't like to make a fuss, as a result you are probably hiding the reality of your sister's struggles from him. Has he been to an appointment with her? When was the last time he went near a hospital or saw how bad the NHS is helping her for himself?
Meanwhile encourage your sister find out more about going private. Get some proper figures. The initial consultations are often a few hundred pounds. You could maybe save up what he gives you to cover it together. It helps having an amount to aim for + compare to other costs. Is it a new fridge? New car? A year's worth of his house cleaning? And some parts of the costs can sometimes be put on credit cards!
Good luck!

many born in the 30’s have a unique perspective to that era.
i worked with seniors of that generation and to me this view is typical, and the reply is that you don’t know what the future holds and you may need that money.
it’s not meant to be mean or stingy, it’s the result of the challenging times they survived, and fear of the future.

I found this very sad to read OP.

I simply can't fathom how your father is not only unwilling to help her get the treatment she needs, but also sitting back watching her clean his house on a weekly basis.

Has he always been so selfish?

I can't fathom having that amount of money and not being willing to help your child.

you need to sit down with him and lay out facts. Either he pays a lot 10-20k for private help and surgery for your sister or he potentially watches her die. Doesn’t he realise people die waiting for treatment? What does he want with this money? To be buried with it? How utterly shameful of him, letting his dd suffer like this when he could fix it in a heartbeat with no detriment to himself.

Sorry to hear that your sister is so ill OP. What a worry for you both. My father for reasons related to the poverty and abuse he suffered in his awful childhood was incredibly tight with money. However he would loan us money if we set up a repayment schedule and gave him it back. I know you shouldn’t have to do that but could you find out exactly the cost of the private treatment and ask him to loan your sister the amount? My DS could have my last penny so I do feel for you both.

Oh and it’s very unlikely your mum would want this money hoarded for her care and not spent on your sister.

This.

If he won't pay for her OP so she's well enough to clean their house then he can pay a cleaner to clean the house for the foreseeable.

It's not that I expect him to pay - although I would if I could.

But he cannot expect her services for free when she isn't well enough to provide them.

I couldn’t keep quiet-I’d be boiling to be honest and tell the nasty old man some home truths. Think is, if your sister wants to be a martyr that’s up to her but I’d be telling her I don’t want to listen to her complaints if she refuses to do anything about them. I can’t imagine treating my children like that-and maybe if he had consequences to his awful behaviour it may make him think. Why do women put up with this?

I think you need to be a bit tougher with your sister. Say to her- you are making yourself so ill with cleaning dad's house on top of working when really you need to be off, I'm worried you will become disabled or die. Please let me help you by ringing up to see if there are any cancellations for appointments. Get her to stop this cleaning, however bad it is there, he can pay for someone. But she needs to stop with the passive stuff otherwise she will actually become disabled or die.

Also, she may be able to go private for initial consultations and then go back into the NHS system afterwards, it depends on where the hold-up is occurring.

I'm usually against things like this but under the circumstances your Dad is not coming off well here. At all.

It is absolutely ridiculous that your parents can sit back and see your sister's poor health but will not offer to fund treatment privately. I think it is partly a generational thing but there is really no excuse for effectively making their adult children wait until the parents die before money is parted with. But you can take action: first your sister should stop cleaning for your parents as she is too unwell to do so. Your parents can hire an agency cleaner themselves. Second you should stop visiting and helping as much, and advise your parents to arrange private agency carers. They will no doubt hate parting with the money but the alternative is for them to use that money for your sister's treatment.
They will reap what they sow as the saying goes, they help with money and you help with care - or you withdraw much care and they have to pay for it from elsewhere.
If not already claiming it is likely that your mother is entitled to attendance allowance which is not means tested and which could go towards private care.
Dealing with elderly parents is always very difficult, you have my sympathy.

This is really upsetting.
i could NOT let this drop with either of them.
I wpuld be bagging her to stop cleaning and i would be discussing it ever time i saw him and asking him how he think its okay to let his sick child scrub the floor when she has a tumour in her chest and he has the power to help her.

Just horrible stuff. I would be terrified in your sisters shoes... poor poor woman.

Do you have any spare cash - it might be possible to go private and see a consultant specialist then loop back into the nhs process

It doesn't matter what he thinks the NHS SHOULD be doing, the stark reality is it's NOT serving many people well. Is he genuinely aware of the the length of the wait for so many things, including cancer treatment? I'll have waited a year if I finally get to have my, so far cancelled twice, ENT consultation for my enlarged thyroid. Many people are waiting far longer, and end up seriously ill.

His daughter is really unwell, he could help her but he's choosing not to because 'but NHS'. I'd be having a strong word.

Get your sister to take out Bendendon. It will cover her pre existing conditions and is super cheap.

Oh OP this is awful Has your DF any idea at all of the current state of the NHS?
As your mother does not have capacity, does anyone have Power of Attorney for her? If not, could you get it, and then use some of your DM's inheritance from her parents to get treatment for your sister? If someone else other than your DF has PoA for your DFM, could they use your DM's money instead, given that she would want this?
Your poor sister needs to stop cleaning up after him. He sounds extremely selfish, and is more than "a bit tight-fisted". Its not even his money he is withholding. Does your DM have an account of her own?
I would read the riot act to him about your sister's bad health predicament and spell out the worst consequences to him to get him to change his mind. He is being a pig.
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I'm wondering if you could write him a letter -- and lay it out like you have here - that you believe your mum would have offered, that her dad's/your grandad's money is in the bank, and that you think maybe he hasn't realized (a) how unwell your sister is, and (b) how bad the NHS is right now (the worse things have been in living memory). If he chooses to ignore or argue with it, then obviously carry on seeing your lovely mum but I'd stop talking or interacting with him, and tell him you'e just there to see your mum.

Can you borrow the money elsewhere to help your sister?

I know you've said you don't expect to inherit anything, but they are in their 80's and with over a million of assets in house and cash -- it seems to me to be more likely you will inherit in the end...

Hugs and good luck. You are a caring and thoughtful daughter and sister.

If you don’t ever expect to get an inheritance then you’ve nothing to lose. I’d rip him a new one (or have a “frank discussion”) pointing out how ill she is, whilst still doing everything she can to help them out. How long she has waited without complaint. And also remind him that your mum would have paid for it straight away, that your grandad would have paid for it straight away and he only has that money because of the 2 of them so he needs to stop being a tight, selfish, useless parent and step up for his sick kid. She might be an adult but she is still his child and she is in need.

I’d go both barrels blazing and wouldn’t give a shit if he didn’t like it.

We are in a similar position with my mother in law, a very wealthy woman with unwell family members, who she refuses to help. It beggars belief.
I cannot imagine not doing everything I could to help my children in this situation. Your poor sister.
You are definitely not being unreasonable!

He sounds like a jerk. However, your sister needs to conserve her energy and stop cleaning for him.

You cannot dictate what he does with his money. You can feel frustrated and exasperated. You can convince yourself it’s not his money to be miserly with. But at the end of the day legally it’s his to spend on what he will and he won’t be spending it on your sister’s health.

But she doesn’t have to take it quietly, not when her and her sister are providing such a level of support for her their mum, which will only need to increase and if the dad goes downhill too then he is going to need them.

No one can make him help, but they can damn well tell him what a selfish ass he is.