To hope my dad would have been generous enough to help my sister

[Picklemeyellow]

My sister and I are close. We also have a close relationship with our parents who are now both in their early 80’s.

Dad is in good health physically and mentally but sadly our lovely mum has Alzheimer’s. She lives at home with dad. Both dsis and I live close by. I go and see/help them most days and my sister helps out a few times a week. She also cleans their house every week.

My parents are very comfortable financially. They live in a large house which is worth well over £600k and they have hundreds of thousands in their bank.

Since leaving home over 25 years ago I have never asked for money from my parents and don’t intend to or expect any, their money is theirs. As far as I am aware my sister has never asked for money either.

My sister works hard as a full time as a cleaner and runs a small business with a friend. Money has been quite tight for her at times as her partner is a minimal wage earner.

I am quite worried about my sister. In recent years she has not been well. She feels poorly most days but can not take time off because she is self employed and would also lose clients if she took too much time off.

About 2 years ago she developed a thyroid issue. She then experienced some heart symptoms and it was discovered she has very high calcium blood levels. This continues to be the case. After much faffing around by the NHS and lots of scans she was told earlier this year she has Parathyroid disease and the diseased gland will need to be removed.
However, due to the NHS being in the state it is and the recent strikes, her operation keeps being put back. Earlier this year we were told the op would be this summer (I went with her), now it’s more likely to be next year.
And as an incidental finding when having the CT Scans, it has been discovered she also has a large bronchogenic cyst, which is benign but due to its location and a possible risk of becoming malignant, it is advised she should also have this removed (god only knows when this op will be?).
She is becoming more and more poorly. Constantly shattered and sleeps as soon as she comes home from work, has palpitations frequently and feels very weary. The hospital and GP are next to useless. She is not one for pushing anything and is just waiting for appointments to come through. I worry about the long term leaching of her calcium levels as our mum is bent over with osteoporosis and this runs in the family as does heart disease.

Anyhow, long story short, our dad is fully aware of her health issues and how she is currently feeling but will not offer to help her go privately, I have asked him but he says it’s up to the NHS to help her.

If I had the money myself I would not hesitate to assist her to go privately.

Now, I appreciate dad and mum’s money is theirs and theirs to do with whatever they wish to but it’s upsetting that a) give money each month to various charities but can’t help his daughter out and b) dad now controls all the money (mum would have offered instantly) and the majority of their £££££’s in the bank is actually via mum’s inheritance from our grandad and he wouldn’t have hesitated to help my dsis as he was a very generous man and loved us immensely as we were his only grandchildren.

I just can not envisage being in a comfortable financial situation like my parents are and NOT helping my own dc if they needed it for health issues. Like I say this is my dad not my mum. If she had capacity she would not have hesitated to help.

I know they need to keep as much money saved as possible incase mum needs to go into care but even so……

AIBU to think my dad is being a little bit tight arsed?

You should both stop looking after him. When he wonders why, tell him that as he believes that taking care of loved ones is “up to the NHS”, so you are just following his wishes.

re name calling: I called him a cunt. Which I stand by as from what the OP said he has been like this for years so it isn't likely to be dementia or something else that he can't help.

My other practical bit of advice: does your sister have/could she get anything in writing that indicates how long the wait is for this operation? If so do you think that seeing that might sway him? Or does he know how bad the NHS is now and doesn't care?

I had a 16 month wait for a neurology appt but I think they only told me the waiting time over the phone.

Not all people are born to be parents , your dad is probably one of those . My partners dad is the same , recently his brother got ill while living abroad and treatment was very expensive to him and he couldn’t afford it , it’s a 3 rd world country and for his dad it would have been a few hundred pounds , that he more than can afford , still he refused to help and we needed to send him money or he would have died . It’s very sad . I cannot t imagine as a mother , that is would ever not help my children in similar situations.

Tight bastard.
I have grown up children and a lot less money than your parents, but have helped my children lots of times. Most recently to get on the housing ladder.
If I were you I would tell your sister to stop cleaning for them and say you won’t be able to visit as often as you are working extra hours to earn money to help your sister.

I would struggle to do anything for a parent who was this selfish. However I appreciate that much of what you do is for your mum. Next time he asks for something, such as help to look at the water meter, I’d be tempted to ask why he thinks you should help him when he won’t help his own poorly child.

I simply can’t imagine having that much money and not helpful your child who is ill and struggling. At the very least he should properly pay her for the cleaning she does. I guess he doesn’t see the irony in him feeling he is being ripped off while exploring his own child by accepting her free labour when he could well afford to pay for it and she well needs the money!!!

I’m going to go against the grain slightly here.

Firstly, some of the posts here are shocking. Advising the OP and her sister to stop helping out her parents entirely because they won’t shell out potentially hundreds of thousands of pounds on private treatment.

When we talk about the OP’s sister having private treatment here we’re not talking about her having a mole removed. We’re talking about serious surgery which would cost ten’s if not hundreds of thousands of pounds. To expect anyone to just give that kind of money or be cut off just isn’t reasonable.

And private healthcare is a slippery slope where it’s very easy for costs to mount up. Added to which, if there are complications the NHS will still be picking that up as there is no ICU or critical care in the private sector.

yes many parents would offer that money if they had it. But no-one is wrong for not doing so.

Ploddingallovertheworld He is fully aware of my sister’s health issues and how much the op is privately (£6k) but will not offer help. I too have health issues and he has never offered to help me either. Last year I was on my knees with extremely low iron stores and needing a gynae op and infusions, he didn’t offer to help, my own FIL offered to pay for me privately even though he has nowhere near the money my own dad has (he shakes his head when he talks about my dad!). Luckily, for me, my op came through (but after a very long wait) and I didn’t need my FIL’s kind offer in the end. My sister could not afford the op privately, I certainly can not afford to help her sadly (would if I could). It will even be a struggle for her to take the 4 weeks off, post op but it has to be done.

Have you outright asked him? Outline that your sister is poorly and living a poor quality of life and needs this help.

Not as bad as now but yes, he has been quite selfish and self centred. Both my parents are only children and my dad was spoilt rotten by my Nan.

i spose he is concerned for the future for himself and your dm financially wise. paying for care etc.,

Yeah, it wouldn’t be like that.
You pay the cost of the private surgery and anything associated with it beforehand. If anything goes wrong and you require further care or emergency care then the NHS step in and cover it. This also isn’t a case of experimental or special drugs required, but again, that would be covered by NHS afterwards if anything else is needed.

If it's only £6k I would have to say something to him. Particularly that your mum would be horrified.

@Picklemeyellow Please have a look at taking out a policy with Benenden Health for your sister. There will be a 6 month waiting time, but after that they will cover most surgeries privately, even for pre-existing conditions. Although it's 6 months, it's probably quicker than waiting for the NHS! There is no cancer cover, but there are also other benefits availability immediately such as GP services, counselling etc., and some without the waiting period.

I use this myself as I'm severely disabled and it's been a godsend. There are no health questions, everyone qualifies, and the cost is just £12.80 per month. Seems too good to be true, but it's fantastic.

Best of luck 💐

https://www.benenden.co.uk/

I have no idea why she still cleans whilst feeling so crappy but we do these things for our mum, not so much for dad. I have told her to stop but she gets agitated when their house is dirty etc.
Sadly, I can not help financially, I was made redundant a few months ago and can only work part time atm due to my own health issues. My dsis does have a partner and he cooks for her and helps as much as he can, they have no children of their own. I have my own issues and can not help as much as I’d like to. I spend a lot of time helping my mum.

With the Spire private health I know there is a payment plan.

I'd very calmly tell your father that you are done helping out and cease doing anything bar visit and help your mother.

A house cleaner would be at least £24 per week - its sound like he's mean with money.

Do you know he can get 25% of the council tax each year due to your mum and her condition, also there would be attendance allowance of either around £50 - 90 per week available as its not means tested

For all the help your doing it really should be claimed and handed over to your sister for the help she gives - as that is the purpose of it

I would not be helping him find information etc, driving him anywhere, or doing any other admin. I would cut down your visits, and not always answer your phone. He may be your father, but he is taking advantage of you big time. No. Is a sentence.

No, it’s £50 each.
Mum is safe and being cared for but he does royally piss me off over some things. For instance, they sleep in separate single beds and last year he was complaining that his mattress was getting worn and he was going to purchase a new one for himself. I said that he should also get one for mum too but he refused as he said she never complains hers is uncomfortable. I explained that she is always complaining of aches and pains but was told that’s just her osteoporosis and nothing can be done for that. So he just purchased his own. My dh still can not get over that!
In reality, it’s really hard to break contact with a loved one, especially as that would mean breaking contact with our lovely mum, who needs us right now.

This 💯

How could he not help his ill daughter ?

Oh o wouldn't stop doing the things I was doing - but I would sit down with him and explain from now on the payments will be the going rate and not mates rates as they have been.

Charging for driving, cleaning and helping with admin stuff at £12 per hour and milage and let him know if he thinks he is going to stop to save money - you'll inform social services. Your mother shouldn't suffer either

As I’ve detailed, we do what we do for our mum. Our mum was (and is) a wonderful person, a caring and kind darling mum. She shouldn’t have to suffer losing contact with her dd’s in her hour of need because our dad is a bit of an arse.

Where in any of my replies or OP does it state that I have dictated how and when my dad spends his money. I have not held a gun to his head have I. I have never once asked for a penny of their money. Please explain as I have completely missed that!