To hope my dad would have been generous enough to help my sister

[Picklemeyellow]

My sister and I are close. We also have a close relationship with our parents who are now both in their early 80’s.

Dad is in good health physically and mentally but sadly our lovely mum has Alzheimer’s. She lives at home with dad. Both dsis and I live close by. I go and see/help them most days and my sister helps out a few times a week. She also cleans their house every week.

My parents are very comfortable financially. They live in a large house which is worth well over £600k and they have hundreds of thousands in their bank.

Since leaving home over 25 years ago I have never asked for money from my parents and don’t intend to or expect any, their money is theirs. As far as I am aware my sister has never asked for money either.

My sister works hard as a full time as a cleaner and runs a small business with a friend. Money has been quite tight for her at times as her partner is a minimal wage earner.

I am quite worried about my sister. In recent years she has not been well. She feels poorly most days but can not take time off because she is self employed and would also lose clients if she took too much time off.

About 2 years ago she developed a thyroid issue. She then experienced some heart symptoms and it was discovered she has very high calcium blood levels. This continues to be the case. After much faffing around by the NHS and lots of scans she was told earlier this year she has Parathyroid disease and the diseased gland will need to be removed.
However, due to the NHS being in the state it is and the recent strikes, her operation keeps being put back. Earlier this year we were told the op would be this summer (I went with her), now it’s more likely to be next year.
And as an incidental finding when having the CT Scans, it has been discovered she also has a large bronchogenic cyst, which is benign but due to its location and a possible risk of becoming malignant, it is advised she should also have this removed (god only knows when this op will be?).
She is becoming more and more poorly. Constantly shattered and sleeps as soon as she comes home from work, has palpitations frequently and feels very weary. The hospital and GP are next to useless. She is not one for pushing anything and is just waiting for appointments to come through. I worry about the long term leaching of her calcium levels as our mum is bent over with osteoporosis and this runs in the family as does heart disease.

Anyhow, long story short, our dad is fully aware of her health issues and how she is currently feeling but will not offer to help her go privately, I have asked him but he says it’s up to the NHS to help her.

If I had the money myself I would not hesitate to assist her to go privately.

Now, I appreciate dad and mum’s money is theirs and theirs to do with whatever they wish to but it’s upsetting that a) give money each month to various charities but can’t help his daughter out and b) dad now controls all the money (mum would have offered instantly) and the majority of their £££££’s in the bank is actually via mum’s inheritance from our grandad and he wouldn’t have hesitated to help my dsis as he was a very generous man and loved us immensely as we were his only grandchildren.

I just can not envisage being in a comfortable financial situation like my parents are and NOT helping my own dc if they needed it for health issues. Like I say this is my dad not my mum. If she had capacity she would not have hesitated to help.

I know they need to keep as much money saved as possible incase mum needs to go into care but even so……

AIBU to think my dad is being a little bit tight arsed?

No useful advice to give, but you and your sister sound lovely, and I'm sorry things are so difficult and your dad is such a selfish arse.

I wouldn't suggest a client has offered to pay.

That just gives him more reason to say no.

But the idea of using the tax allowance and highlighting 40% to the inland revenue is a good idea.

I would also calculate how much your sister has saved him year on year doing a weekly clean (I would estimate at least 3k per year) and point out if she is too poorly to do it any more then in 2 years he'll spend more on cleaning than her operation.

Combined with the tax it starts to look like a good investment for him.

It's sad you have to put it in these teens though.

The mattress tale was absolutely awful. He should be ashamed of himself.

Frankly if the time comes and your mum needs residential care if I were you and your sister I'd wash my hands of him. Leave him to fester with his bank balance to keep him company.

Just another thing. He may be concerned about deprivation of assets.

The reality is that given his wealth and what the money would be spent on, there's no way a LA would be able to make a case for DOA's in the future.

It's such a small percentage of his wealth and spent on a good cause that it's clearly not an attempt to circumvent paying for future care.

Essentially if you look at care home fees, you could burn through £6k in a month.

Again it might provide some context for your father. A month of care vs your sister getting her life back.

Agreed, BreadInCaptivity. I did ponder if he’d use it as a get out. He wasn’t shamed when the OP’s FiL offered, was he? Nor is he embarrassed about the mattress, his obvious miserliness and selfishness.
I’m struggling to comprehend how someone can care so much about money when he’s alive but not give a shit about it when he’s dead. Most people care about both scenarios.
I’m with you all the way with your ideas.
👍

I’m so sorry. That should have been for RudsyFarmer. My apologies 😳

No, it’s not DOA - £6K is within this year and last year’s tax-free allowance.
OP, temporarily withdraw assistance which might force him into considering respite care. Then he’d realise how far £6K goes as BreadInCaptivity suggests.

I think you started the good idea re: the tax!

My guess re: why he doesn't worry about the money post death is simply just part of his selfishness.

If it's not being used to benefit him in some way then so what?

I know you've spoken to your dad but is it worth sitting him down and really spelling it out for him? Something like "Dad I know you think the NHS should be the one to help dsis but surely you can appreciate what a mess the NHS is in right now? She wont get any help for months probably years the way things are going. Would you not even consider helping her by paying for her to go private? She can pay you back via all the current free cleaning she does for you." If he says no then you need to persuade your sister to drop their cleaning why on earth should she add extra to her load to help an utterly selfish father? I couldn't even imagine not helping my child especially when it comes to their health, and with having that much money too! It's really awful. I know your poor mum has dementia but its worrying that your dad now has control of all the money, especially as he seems happy enough to pay out for his own comfort..buying himself a new mattress but not his wife is unreal.

JojoMcK he is aware of the £3k allowance, his financial advisor mentions this every time he sees him but he has said he doesn’t want to spend it on anything or ‘anyone’.

No help whatsoever but it sounds a lot like my mom. We needed money which my mom had, and even chatted with me about it "oh dear, what shall I do with all of this?? Oh my, I guess I'm lucky I don't actually need it!!" Thanks mom for ignoring me. If she had explained why I might be better able to cope with this but apparently it was something she should talk to my brother about and not me. It's only because my brother has been open about it that I'm aware now what her concerns were. Net result though is now my DH won't talk to my family at all because they wouldn't help when we were in a desperate situation. And so to make things worse I'm left having to try and defend behaviour I myself don't like.

Well he won't want to spend it on cleaners then will he?

I really think you and your sister need to toughen up and present a united front.

If he had paid her to clean for the last 2 years she'd have enough money to fund the operation - that's the reality.

Equally if she took on a paying client rather than clean for him she could put that to a savings post for the operation.

Get a quote for commercial cleaning services. Tell him your sister can't do it any more until she's had her operation.

You need to make this about him. Don't appeal to his better nature (he clearly doesn't have one) but rather the most financially beneficial outcome for him.

BreadInCaptivity JojoMcK, I believe, and he has voiced this several times, that he fears if they have little or no money they will have no choice in which care homes mum or he (if he needed to go in one) would go into. He feels the more money squirrelled away the better the care. We have had SS in and had a care assessment etc and the OT said that due to a wide spread lack of council run care homes nowadays most residents regardless if they are government funded or private funded often end up in the same care homes, receiving the exact same care.

PoshHorseyBird I have tried explaining but it truly falls onto deaf ears, sadly.
SmudgeButt DH has taken the same approach. He used to get on well with my dad (we have been together 30+ years and they had a great relationship) but since all this has been going on he’s withdrawn more and more as he sees the stress it brings me and does like it. Then when we go to see FIL he’s shaking his head and tutting regarding what he sees as complete ‘tightwadded’ behaviour. It puts me in an awkward position.

The issue here is all about proportion.

If your sister needed £100k he might have a point.

But £6k - it would make no difference at all.

Premium care homes can cost £2k per week.

That's 3 weeks of care and would have zero impact on his choices.

Even if they spent everything (including the house equity) the LA have to pay for care when their assets dip to circa £23k.

Honestly I appreciate it's difficult and you want to protect your mum but I think you need a tough conversation with him (and your sister).

He needs to understand how dire your sisters condition is and he's not going to "get" that while she is still cleaning for him.

BreadInCaptivity he wouldn’t pay for a cleaner because he doesn’t see the mess. Mum did all of that, she kept the house clean and tidy. He is more than capable of cleaning the house but doesn’t do it because he doesn’t enjoy it (who the hell does?). My FIL is the same age as my dad and does all his own housework and did all of that whilst caring for my MIL when she was dying from cancer. My sister does the cleaning because he would let everything build up if not and we think of mum. She is our priority. He is a very tough nut to crack. Mum has had a dementia diagnosis for 6 years and I have fought tooth and nail to get her extra help etc. It’s like pulling teeth with him, a constant battle all the way.

In light of your sister’s situation and the fact that your father is financially advised yet still won’t give her the money, I’d walk away from him. He’s a lost cause.
Withdraw all help for him. Separately ensure your mother receives quality care as a PP suggested (seemingly not with him if he refuses to buy her a new mattress to improve her quality of life) and forget him.
Focus on your mother and sister solely.
There’s no need to consider loyalty or responsibility - your father doesn’t.

PoshHorseyBird I have tried explaining but it truly falls onto deaf ears, sadly

Because nothing changes.

You and your sister keep maintaining the status quo.

You do the running around and your sister cleans - all for free.

He can "afford" to ignore you. In fact it's in his interests to do so.

So stop. Visit your mum. Help her with appointments etc but you father can sort himself out including paying for a cleaner and getting taxis etc when he needs to go somewhere.

Be very clear that things are going to change and what the cost of that will be.

I'd also be clear that if your mother goes into a home he's going to get bugger all support from you and your sister if his entitled behaviour continues.

He's quite literally made his own (comfy) bed here. Let him lie in it.

Yes I live in Derbyshire, and have had no problems at all. All referrals have gone through a Nuffield hospital about 15 miles away, but I have gone further afield for something they couldn't deal with.

Maybe a daft question, but have you tried speaking to someone at Benenden about the issues you're having? And is it something your sister could afford to use to cut her waiting times?

I empathise completely with your situation. My so called father the same, a complete self centred, narcissistic bully. He's watched me be in severe pain for over 20 years and could easily have helped, but has watched me struggle on, even after my being left widowed with 3 SEN children on benefits. I've found life much easier since going no contact 5 years ago, I don't think I realised how much the mental torture he put me through also impacted on my physical health.

Am here to talk if it helps, PM always open. 💐

JojoMcK but realistically how do I do that when they reside in the same house? He is hard work, I agree but I love my parents and could not walk in, tend to and converse with my mum whilst ignoring my dad. That’s an impossible situation. I honestly don’t know the answer but I can not blank him and cut him from my life.
I would love it if he could help my dsis but can not make him but can not estrange myself from him for being tight fisted either. Just wish it wasn’t all such bloody hard work tbh.

So let the mess build up.

Clean your mothers bed do her washing but not his.

If the house gets in a state call social services to say he's not capable of looking after your mother safely anymore.

Tell them about the mattress.

As stands you and your sister are just enabling him.

BreadInCaptivity I couldn’t agree more.

OnlyOpenMouthToChangeFeet Eventually I managed to get my operation via the NHS but was disappointed with Beneden because after the initial consultation which I was impressed with, I was left on a waiting list as long as the NHS one, in fact the NHS one came up before the Beneden one. I will still keep it going though, maybe next time (hope there isn’t a next time though 🤞it may be a quicker service.
Thank you for your kindness and sorry you have been though similar x

OP, I realise this is OT, but if this site doesn't work for your sister

https://www.myplannedcare.nhs.uk/

she might ask her GP, PALs or anyone with access to look up a hospitals that has capacity to take her within a reasonable timescale.

https://www.england.nhs.uk/2023/08/nhs-launches-hospital-matching-platform-to-bring-down-longest-waits/

If they are in their early 80s then they were born during the war and will have grown up in the fifties and sixties

He’s not just being tight-fisted, he’s been and being unkind, to put it mildly, to you, your mum and your sister. I wouldn’t have a problem doing as BreadInCaptivity advises you if it brings him to his senses - to show mercy and love.