To not send this man money

[Whatsthescory]

About 8 years ago, my husband and I lived abroad. We lived in an apartment block which had a security desk in the foyer. One of the security guards (also an expat) was quite friendly and we would always have a little chat. It wasn't a friendship, just a pleasant hello and goodbye. He requested me as a friend on Facebook but didn't post much. We left after a year living there and never saw him or heard from him again. We moved on and left that country.

A year ago I got a Facebook messenger message from him out of the blue, just asking how we were doing. He sent a photo he took from when our son was a baby and asked about him. Odd, but pleasant. He said he had gone back to Nigeria where he was from and had opened a business. I told my husband, and he seemed a bit dubious about the whole thing. Anyway, the guy never contacted me again, until recently.

A few months ago, he sent me a message saying that he always remembered that I was kind and that he felt he could turn to me, although it was a last resort and he felt ashamed. Basically, after the pandemic, his business really suffered and he really struggled to get on his feet. Could I send him some money to get him back on his feet.

My initial reaction was to help him as I am comfortably off. My husband smelled a rat and said it was my choice if I sent him money, but if I did, be prepared to be asked again and again and again. My husband also raised the point that it was wrong to single me out and that DH was also fb friends with him and had exactly the same relationship with him as me (saying hello and goodbye). Why did he contact the woman first? Did he think that maybe I would be a bit more willing to send money? Dh also said that the way he had contacted me last year was to test the water and reestablish a connection so it wouldnt be so out of the blue to ask for money and that i was being naive. He also said the guy would probably be eligible for small business loans in his area, but I'm not sure how accessible they are where he is from.

On one hand I'm wondering, what if this guy really is stuck and he is desperate? On the other I'm thinking, he hasn't contacted me in years and it's all just a bit too strange. In the end, I didn't respond as I didn't know what to say.

Aibu to not send money to him?

@littlebopeepp234

I said

"He has the internet capability to make a video call"

I have frequently not been able to make video calls while I am able to send facebook messages.

The internet capability to make a video call is not the same as the internet capability to send a Facebook message.

@Oliotya

It's 2023. Africa has internet.

I am in Africa at the moment.
I know we have internet.
I also know it can be rubbish.

I have tried to make video calls and not been able to do so.

On Wednesday last week our WIFI worked for phones but not for laptops.

Internet in rural Africa is a challenge.

Clearly, your experience is not universal. Nigeria is also not rural east Africa, so it's also almost entirely irrelevant to the thread.

Here is what you said in response to another poster suggesting op does a video call with him

“Assuming
**
He has the technological capability to make a video call
**
He has the internet capability to make a video call
**
He can afford to pay for that internet capability
**
She will be able to distinguish the Nigerian man she met 8 years ago from another Nigerian man”

And….

“Sending Facebook messages is very different to a video call in terms of internet usage”

I responded to this by saying that if he has Facebook then he obviously has access to the internet even if it is limited! Not once did I say you said he didn’t have access to the internet! Now you’re saying you said he “has access to the internet”! Whether or not he has the internet capability or not is a different matter but please don’t jump on my post and say that I said that YOU SAID that he doesn’t have access to the internet and ask me to point out where you said it when that’s not what I said at all! Also I’m not sure what this ‘narrative’ you seem to think I have of all internet being equal. All I did was respond to your post in a debatable but non argumentative way and you respond in an argumentative way by trying to accuse me of saying things I’ve not said!

I’m similar in that I like to help and feel deeply about peoples situations especially if they’ve been pleasant to me but say you send money once and then get asked again and again it’s going to become an annoyance at least and potentially a nightmare. I’d be safe and listen to your DH.

Yes this is what I was thinking. I don’t think it will stop at the first time op sends the money. I think he will ask again and again. I won’t be surprised if he either stops contacting op once the money has been sent over because he will have got exactly what he wants and just using the op… and then maybe pop up in a few months/ years time asking for more money while telling op how kind and generous he remembers her being or whatever manipulation tactic he wants to use.

I wonder if the “Awwh, send him 50 quid, you can afford it, he’s not some stranger, he’s your lovely doorman you saw every day for years, don’t assume the worst because he’s Nigerian!” brigade have read this list of things he’s looking to raise money for:

Truth is its uncomfortable to ask for help but the situation calls for financial help.Iamlooking to raise some money for 4months rent(Janaury to April),business permit,fire license certificate,branding license.

I know the pound probably goes a lot further in Nigeria, but he’s expecting a damn sight more than 50 quid! It’s almost worth getting the OP to send it just to see how long it takes for the inevitable sob story about how he needs more, and even more again, and again…

Wow- the knots we will twist ourselves in to avoid giving someone who needs some money, some money! So far the reasons have included:

1. He doesn't really need money
2. He needs more money than you will give
3. Money won't solve his problems
4. Money might be spent on food, not on a fire license
5. He is targeting you for money
6. He isn't targeting you (ie he will have asked other people too- shock horror)
7. He isn't him
8. He is him, but he has turned into a nasty man
9. He was always a nasty man- just paid to seem nice

10. He should ask his similarly struggling Nigerian friends and family instead of someone who could afford to help 11. This is the road to your financial ruin (even though there are perfectly safe ways to transfer money) 12. (My favourite)... even if he IS a genuinely vulnerable person, then responding to a request that looks like it could be a scam, makes it harder for genuinely vulnerable people to get the help they need.

Why ask the op and not her DP who he actually had the photo of and so slightly more of a connection to? Or both of them at the same time? Seems odd it is just the op he’s been asking.

Perhaps you would like to offer to help him yourself then and give him your own money!

As I said before, the op is not a charity and this man is just a guard she got chatting to years ago! They were never that close enough to become friends! He is not her son or any other relative! He is a random guy who her and her husband used to talk to occasionally! He has just popped up after 8 years with all the usual bullshit “oh you seemed like such a nice person, please can you send me some money”!

Op came on here asking for advice! She’s got that advice, with a resounding “No do not send him the money”!

Yes I would be happy to give him some money and OP you are welcome to DM me his details.

Why on earth does someone have to be a charity or need to be a close friend or family to justify helping another human being? Where did those rules come from?
We must add those to the list....

"Op came on here asking for advice! She’s got that advice, with a resounding “No do not send him the money”!

The majority view is not always right.
In a huge number of the responses here, one or more of these underlying beliefs are visible:

1. I have no responsibility towards fellow humans unless I am closely connected to them. In fact, those unconnected humans asking me directly for something is an affront- whether genuine or not.
2. People asking for something for their own personal gain- however desperate they are- means I am being used unfairly.
3. I find it easier to dismiss or disbelieve foreign people of a different economic bracket than believe they are genuine, pleasant people in need.

I don't ascribe to any of these beliefs - and there is a significant number of other thoughtful responses (including the OP's own posts) that don't either.

In my eyes it has nothing to do with foreign people and more about an individual person and their mindset!!

You obviously have never been financially abused involved with narcissistic or sociopathic people! The thing they ALL have in common is that they either love bomb you from the start or they pop up randomly after a long time and start saying “oh I remember you being a kind person” followed by “I reallly need your help, I need some money” ffs! These people choose the most vulnerable looking people or the people who are likely to be fooled! Hence why op has come on here looking for advice as she is in 2 minds so she has obviously been thinking about giving the money! And he KNOWS that! Hence why he approached her and not the husband!

Also if you are happy to throw your money at random people, I have a long list of random people in my Instagram inbox who have made up fake profiles and stolen other people’s pictures from their profile and contacted me pretending to be them, saying “oh hi how are you, hope you are well”. Followed “I’ve been really poorly and been in hospital and had to have heart surgery” followed by “please can you help me, I’m unable to work so I have no money so please can you send me some money and I’ll return it back to you next month”.
Perhaps you would like to throw your money at them too? In that case, give me your details and I’ll send them all your way!

The guy is a random guy the op ‘knows of’… from years ago! If he was that bothered about op he would have kept in contact throughout the duration of that 8 year gap that op says she has not heard from him. But no he didn’t give a shit enough to stay in contact with op, he’s only popped up years later when he wants something!! Like I said, op is not a charity! This guy is not a relative or friend… op owes him NOTHING!

There are some really naive and gullible people on this thread! If you agree with sending him money then please do so but you are not going to change my opinion nor the majority of others opinions on this thread!

A masterful summary 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

I think I’d respect people more if they were just honest and said they don’t think OP should send money to a black man.

Do send me your email: I have a bridge for sale.

Of course this is a scam sorry you're being very naive. Your DH is right, listen to him!

Well I certainly haven’t said I won’t send money to a black man! My opinion of the guy is that if he actually gave a shit enough about the op then he would have stayed in contact with her throughout the duration of the 8 years (where op’s heard sod all from him). He has now randomly sprung up after all this time, fed her the “I can remember you being a kind person” line and then a bit later on asked op for money. If this guy had actually bothered enough to stay in contact with the op during that 8 year period and never asked for a penny from op previously, the I’d be much more inclined to say “yes send him the money he needs your help”! But why should op bother to send money to some guy who she was chatty to 8 years ago but who hasn’t even bothered to give her the time of day in 8 years since then? The mind boggles!

What a cowardly post, if you want to call me a troll, just say it, I’d have more respect for honesty.

I'm not calling you a troll. I'm suggesting that you and all the other posters who think the message is genuinely from the doorman OP knew years ago are remarkably naive.

Ok new reasons now to add to the list:

1. You should not give money to someone in need unless they care passionately about you as a person and have tried to be active friends with you for eight years.
2. You shouldn't give money to some who HAS tried to be friendly during those eight years, because they are trying to soften you up and manipulate you.
3. You shouldn't give money to someone who might be someone else, even though a very quick conversation could confirm who they are
4. You shouldn't give money to someone who has asked you because they thought you might say yes.

And I think your disbelief verges on paranoia.

OP strikes me as an intelligent woman who can check it’s the same man very easily.

Oh dear some people just love to gaslight and twist words 🤣

My point is that he HASN’T tried to be friendly in those 8 years! He hasn’t even given a shit enough about op to try and be friendly in those 8 years or stay in touch during those 8 years! Anyway some people, including myself don’t have wads of cash to just throw about to random people I’ve come across during my life time, especially ones who haven’t bothered to get in touch for years on end and only contact me when they want something from me! I have a family to feed and bills to pay! If you’re naive enough to send money to people who are happy to use you and not give a damn about you in 8 years fair enough 🤣 but I’m not going to be preached to by naive people who think we should all give a helping hand to random people who can’t be arsed to give a shit about us for 8 years and only pop up when they want something

The poster was not calling you a troll, they were referring to the tale of an American businessman who was allegedly conned into buying London Bridge thinking that he was buying Tower Bridge. The story has since been proved false in that the businessman DID buy London Bridge, but was fully aware of what he was purchasing.

How London Bridge Ended Up In Arizona | HISTORY

I'm not paranoid, thanks. I deal with the consequences of people falling for payment scams and work with payment providers on warnings and education.

OP can check, but so far she hasn't.

But I suspect you're not going to change your view so happy to leave it there.

My gut feeling is that it’s the same person and not someone pretending to be him trying to scam the op - in that case how would a scammer get hold of a picture of op’s child when they were a baby and send it to op.

However, I do feel that this guy is obviously being extremely manipulative and pretending to be friendly so that he can get the money! As I’ve said time and time again, he hasn’t given a damn about the op in years, now all of a sudden pops up out of nowhere! Op said herself that they didn’t know him as a friend and only really had the “hello” and “goodbye” conversations. Of op was to send him money, he would probably be laughing at her nativity and would just disappear off the face of the earth for a few years or keep coming back asking for more money.