To not send this man money

[Whatsthescory]

About 8 years ago, my husband and I lived abroad. We lived in an apartment block which had a security desk in the foyer. One of the security guards (also an expat) was quite friendly and we would always have a little chat. It wasn't a friendship, just a pleasant hello and goodbye. He requested me as a friend on Facebook but didn't post much. We left after a year living there and never saw him or heard from him again. We moved on and left that country.

A year ago I got a Facebook messenger message from him out of the blue, just asking how we were doing. He sent a photo he took from when our son was a baby and asked about him. Odd, but pleasant. He said he had gone back to Nigeria where he was from and had opened a business. I told my husband, and he seemed a bit dubious about the whole thing. Anyway, the guy never contacted me again, until recently.

A few months ago, he sent me a message saying that he always remembered that I was kind and that he felt he could turn to me, although it was a last resort and he felt ashamed. Basically, after the pandemic, his business really suffered and he really struggled to get on his feet. Could I send him some money to get him back on his feet.

My initial reaction was to help him as I am comfortably off. My husband smelled a rat and said it was my choice if I sent him money, but if I did, be prepared to be asked again and again and again. My husband also raised the point that it was wrong to single me out and that DH was also fb friends with him and had exactly the same relationship with him as me (saying hello and goodbye). Why did he contact the woman first? Did he think that maybe I would be a bit more willing to send money? Dh also said that the way he had contacted me last year was to test the water and reestablish a connection so it wouldnt be so out of the blue to ask for money and that i was being naive. He also said the guy would probably be eligible for small business loans in his area, but I'm not sure how accessible they are where he is from.

On one hand I'm wondering, what if this guy really is stuck and he is desperate? On the other I'm thinking, he hasn't contacted me in years and it's all just a bit too strange. In the end, I didn't respond as I didn't know what to say.

Aibu to not send money to him?

@Aserena I'm curious - what would it take for you to accept this is a scam? Or to feel OK about not sending money to a stranger?

Otherwise how do you propose a person who has lost their job, which probably didn’t pay enough to build up savings, proceed without asking for help from friends and acquaintances if they have exhausted family help?

And no pension. Years spent toiling in very difficult circumstances and the day they go home that’s it.

Yes I was married to a migrant worker for 10 years so get off your high horse!!!!

Also the migrant worker I was married to worked extremely hard and studied to get to where he is now!! He did not go asking people for money on the internet!!! We had kids together. Every day for years was a struggle but not once did we ask someone who we hadn’t been o. Contact with for 8 years for money.!!!!

Do YOU have any real life experience of knowing a migrant worker?? Have you ever been married to one????

My high horse? You’re the one having to use exclamation to get your point across.

And you were married to a migrant worker? Well, I can only say I doubt very much he was a migrant worker in the same sense as the bloke in the Op was.

As OP has said, this isn’t really a scam, this is begging.

I would not send any money if the guy seemed to be trying to capitalise on my greed with promises of a high return on my ‘investment’ with them, if they tried to treat me like a cash cow asking for more and more, or if they asked for personal details.

So, providing #1 and #3 not an issue, I would give once only. if #2 then became an issue, I would block.

Lol he was from a poor background! He worked in the UK and sent money home to his family every month so they could pay to have an extension on their house as they were living in nothing short of a corrugated iron building! And even HE if I got him here in front of me now to read this thread would say this guy is trying to scam op! Again get off your high horse!

Tell him you arent comfortable making the decision and he should contact DP.

My back ground and why I’m aware of the plight of these migrant workers is irrelevant.

I’m not the one labeling someone a scammer based on their Nationality and the fact my husband worked for everything he has and would never ask anyone for money.

Ah, I knew he wouldn’t have been a migrant working in the Middle East for example whilst earning 150 pounds a month and having to be grateful for it because it was a lot considering where he came from.

Thats the reality of what the bloke in the OP would have been living.

I think you need to stop judging others based on your husbands experiences.

WTF are you talking about? Where have I based judgements on my ex husband’s experiences? He wasn’t scammed fgs! What are you on? It’s you who keeps harping on about migrant workers!

What makes you think he wasn’t a migrant worker in the Middle East!!!! And NO he was earning much less that 150 per month. Worked long hours on a market stall for a long long time trying to make ends meet! Please stop trying to build a picture of his life when you have absolutely no idea who he is or know anything about his life!

A huge chunk of migrant workers have been brought up in poverty! Most have had to fend for themselves and are independent! They can cook and clean! They work long hours! What I’m reading on this thread from the op is about some manipulative guy who has got in contact after 8 years for the sole purpose of trying to get money from the OP! He doesn’t care about her or how she is!! Have you ever been the victim of financial abuse? Or have any knowledge of how manipulative and ‘nice’ and ‘genuine’ some people may seem on the outside who have an ulterior motive? Don’t be so naive!

@Crunchyb OP is asking for advice on whether she should give money. We are not discussing my husband or his circumstances, and by the way your assertions are incorrect. I don’t know why you are personalising it, I have shared one view which I am entitled to do as are you and others. As a family we give a lot of money to help genuine family who need it. But I can’t single-handedly fix the problems of a long standing corrupt Nigerian government who line their own pockets. My issue is some of the views on this post are naive and OP needs to know once she opens the door, the requests will come thicker and faster, you must know that as someone who is speaking from experience also?

Also I take it that you are going to volunteer to send this guy the money on the op’s behalf then? 🤣

@littlebopeepp234 and just to help you understand a bit more. What your husband did is what people do (my husband included) but the difference is that they weren’t doing it on 150 pound a month whilst perhaps trying to educate other siblings, or maybe even pay for medicine for a family member who was still in a country where medical facilities were thin on the ground. And then there’s probably having to feed themselves as well on top of everything else they’re paying for on the 150 pounds a month.

There’s no comparison.

OP I agree with you that people are using the term scam inaccurately here. You may or may not think that it is appropriate to ask someone for money if you do not know them that well but I know that a lot of small businesses in Nigeria are going bust at the moment (DH’s family being my reference here). It is difficult as I can understand your concerns too that this might open the door to repeated requests. I think people like to label such requests as scams to justify the fact that we are generally pretty stingy in the western world.

You really are being very silly.

There’s a lot to be said for not letting your left hand know what your right hand is doing when it comes to helping others.

I was going to say similar. I think a lot of responses are influenced by the fact that so many scams come from Nigeria, but not everyone there is a scammer and I don't think you're being at all naive to consider it. I work with colleagues in a country of a similar socio-economic status and have been asked the same by them for very genuine reasons. I get the impression that we in the west are viewed as massively wealthy and so their request for a relatively small amount of money is not a lot to ask for.

I can't say whether or not this guy is genuine, although in the past I've sent money and made it clear that it's a one-off, maybe attached it to an upcoming holiday and said that it's a gift for that, but that I can't afford to keep giving money

Well op is not a charity! She also has not seen or heard from this person in 8 years! He may need the money, he may not! However it is not op’s problem! He is not her son or relative, he is some random guy she got to know 8 years ago and then lost contact with him! I find it an absolute cheek to contact someone after 8 years and basically say “oh I remember how nice you were, please can you send me some money

So you’re telling me you would just send money over to anyone who contacted you asking for it?
And then we wonder why so many people get scammed! I’m not being very silly at all, you are!!
But hey ho, if you have money to just throw away to random people who contact you on social media asking for it then go ahead and give your own money away if you’re that naive!! But don’t come on here trying to make everyone else feel sorry for some random guy the op hardly knows and hasn’t seen in years

As I said, you know nothing about my ex husband or his life and I’m not discussing it on here as it is too outing, neither should I have to justify his life or earnings to you!!

We are talking about a random guy the op knew of years ago! Not her husband! No comparison!

well if the op is absolutely 100% sure she is speaking to the same man then it’s not a scam - it’s just flat out begging.

"My husband smelled a rat and said it was my choice if I sent him money, but if I did, be prepared to be asked again and again and again. My husband also raised the point that it was wrong to single me out and that DH was also fb friends with him and had exactly the same relationship with him as me (saying hello and goodbye). Why did he contact the woman first"

your husband cannot possibly know about his actual relationships with everyone else or who was contacted first, and why ask your husband how to spend your money?

your husband cannot possibly know about his actual relationships with everyone else or who was contacted first

No he absolutely doesn't know anything about the guy's relationships. He does know that he contacted me and not DH.

Why ask your husband how to spend your money?

I didn't. We do generally discuss any outgoings that are out of the norm, as our money is family money. Isn't that normal? Also, isn't it normal to ask your partner for their opinion on things you're unsure of?

I think she means why did he single HER out and not the husband. Also if someone randomly contacted me after 8 years, who wasn’t even a friend, just a guard who I’d got chatting to whilst living abroad, I’d also tell my husband that he’d contacted me asking for money

Zerosleep
OP needs to know once she opens the door, the requests will come thicker and faster, you must know that as someone who is speaking from experience also?

That is a real possibility and if it were not possible to deal with easily by blocking him, I would advise the OP to steer clear.

So you’re telling me you would just send money over to anyone who contacted you asking for it?

Yes, if someone I knew from the past contacted me and said he had fallen on hard times I would help out.