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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not send this man money

448 replies

Whatsthescory · 26/08/2023 09:28

About 8 years ago, my husband and I lived abroad. We lived in an apartment block which had a security desk in the foyer. One of the security guards (also an expat) was quite friendly and we would always have a little chat. It wasn't a friendship, just a pleasant hello and goodbye. He requested me as a friend on Facebook but didn't post much. We left after a year living there and never saw him or heard from him again. We moved on and left that country.

A year ago I got a Facebook messenger message from him out of the blue, just asking how we were doing. He sent a photo he took from when our son was a baby and asked about him. Odd, but pleasant. He said he had gone back to Nigeria where he was from and had opened a business. I told my husband, and he seemed a bit dubious about the whole thing. Anyway, the guy never contacted me again, until recently.

A few months ago, he sent me a message saying that he always remembered that I was kind and that he felt he could turn to me, although it was a last resort and he felt ashamed. Basically, after the pandemic, his business really suffered and he really struggled to get on his feet. Could I send him some money to get him back on his feet.

My initial reaction was to help him as I am comfortably off. My husband smelled a rat and said it was my choice if I sent him money, but if I did, be prepared to be asked again and again and again. My husband also raised the point that it was wrong to single me out and that DH was also fb friends with him and had exactly the same relationship with him as me (saying hello and goodbye). Why did he contact the woman first? Did he think that maybe I would be a bit more willing to send money? Dh also said that the way he had contacted me last year was to test the water and reestablish a connection so it wouldnt be so out of the blue to ask for money and that i was being naive. He also said the guy would probably be eligible for small business loans in his area, but I'm not sure how accessible they are where he is from.

On one hand I'm wondering, what if this guy really is stuck and he is desperate? On the other I'm thinking, he hasn't contacted me in years and it's all just a bit too strange. In the end, I didn't respond as I didn't know what to say.

Aibu to not send money to him?

OP posts:
littlebopeepp234 · 28/08/2023 06:37

Whatsthescory · 28/08/2023 04:47

I've seen things in a different light as this thread progressed.

My main worry was of being an indefinite source of income, which I don't want to commit to. Many of you are worried its a scam. To me, a scam is when someone tells you a lie about what they need money for, especially if it ends up costing you more than you bargained for. For example, persuading you to invest in a certain scheme, but the scheme doesn't exist and you lose money. What exactly is the scam that a lot of you are worried about, genuinely? He has come begging, but what exactly is the harm? Like PPS said, i could, in theory, send the money electronically with no recourse.

I do think that my situation throws open a wider scope of Western privilage, but also how those who have it (privilage) feel like they can't use it effectively.

Genuine question.

He is lying though!! Or at least being manipulative! Think about it - you don’t hear from him for years and years and then all of a sudden he pops up out of nowhere and chats to you for a bit and then asks for money! You may not think he’s lying op but it is extremely manipulative! A but like love bombing where someone is buttering you up and selling you a false version of themselves to get what they want from you! He most likely IS telling a lie about what he needs the money for! Can you not see that??

Rosscameasdoody · 28/08/2023 06:54

PollyThePixie · 28/08/2023 02:54

The eye roll is because not every Nigerian is a scammer.

I’m surprised you had to ask 🙄

Show quote history

I had to ask because no-one has said every Nigerian is a scammer, and that’s what your post suggests. If you look back through the thread even some people who actually come from that country are advising the OP not to get involved and yet people on this thread, including myself, have been accused of racism for advising the same.

BackAgainstWall · 28/08/2023 07:03

I find it hard to believe you are so unsavvy.

You could very easily educate yourself.

Scamming is rife and has ramped up since covid, particularly from Africa - it’s been going on for years and years.

PollyThePixie · 28/08/2023 07:18

Zerosleep · 28/08/2023 06:18

I have shown this post to my DH who is Nigerian. His immediate reflection was no wonder we get scammed out of so much money if we are that gullible. His advice - don’t do it, no self respecting Nigerian man would ask for money. This guy will just keep coming back and back with more elaborate stories begging for more money.

Is he currently living in Nigeria where salaries are low? Or perhaps another county where his salary is based on his nationality and as a result he earns next to nothing because he’s only a Nigerian.

Or is he perhaps living in a country where he earns a decent salary and has perhaps forgotten what life is like for others who dont?

PollyThePixie · 28/08/2023 07:20

Rosscameasdoody · 28/08/2023 06:54

I had to ask because no-one has said every Nigerian is a scammer, and that’s what your post suggests. If you look back through the thread even some people who actually come from that country are advising the OP not to get involved and yet people on this thread, including myself, have been accused of racism for advising the same.

Show quote history

The flavor of the thread is that the man is a scammer because he’s Nigerian and you can twist that anyway you like because nothing will make it any different .

Densol57 · 28/08/2023 07:23

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PollyThePixie · 28/08/2023 07:29

@littlebopeepp234

Do you have any real life experience of knowing migrant workers who toil day in and day out in in places in the Middle East for eg and who can go home after years of working and struggle to survive? That life can be so hard for them, they don’t have pensions, that one day they find themselves needing a bit of help so they contact someone they once knew and was nice to them.

And even if their bloke is scamming the Op. So what? It says more about him that it says about the OP and she never has to help him again.

If you can give, give. If you can’t then don’t. It really is as simple as that.

PollyThePixie · 28/08/2023 07:32

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I’d rather be a mug who made the choice to help someone regardless of the possibility the person may be a scammer than be someone who left a person to hardship just in case people called my a mug.

Zerosleep · 28/08/2023 07:36

@PollyThePixie you are playing your ally card too hard love. Are you yourself a black Nigerian man who was born and brought up there? Do you live in nigeria now? He understands and continues to endure the everyday prejudice attached to both his nationality and ethnicity. He understands the challenges in Nigeria too well.

Krampers · 28/08/2023 07:38

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tofutti · 28/08/2023 07:40

PollyThePixie · 28/08/2023 07:18

Is he currently living in Nigeria where salaries are low? Or perhaps another county where his salary is based on his nationality and as a result he earns next to nothing because he’s only a Nigerian.

Or is he perhaps living in a country where he earns a decent salary and has perhaps forgotten what life is like for others who dont?

Show quote history

I agree. I certainly wouldn’t decide not to help someone I knew in person for over a year because of the say so of a random stranger on the internet claiming their Nigerian DH has spoken and we must listen 🙄

Billybea · 28/08/2023 07:42

I didn’t even read all of your message! When I got to Nigeria that was enough! Nope. Block & delete end of.

PollyThePixie · 28/08/2023 07:42

Zerosleep · 28/08/2023 07:36

@PollyThePixie you are playing your ally card too hard love. Are you yourself a black Nigerian man who was born and brought up there? Do you live in nigeria now? He understands and continues to endure the everyday prejudice attached to both his nationality and ethnicity. He understands the challenges in Nigeria too well.

I guess my question hit a nerve. I won’t be responding to you any further.

Zerosleep · 28/08/2023 07:54

@PollyThePixie not at all, I am genuinely interested in your response to my questions. I have noticed you only comment when you think you have the upper hand, it’s clear you don’t here.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 28/08/2023 07:56

‘Your dismissive attitude is exactly what’s wrong with this thread, treating everything like a joke, when people are starving in the world and you can sink £££ on coffees in a cafe. And the irony is African farmers have been screwed over for the coffee you’re drinking.’

The vast majority of coffee drunk in England comes from South America. (Surprisingly to me, Vietnam is also a major producer). Please check your facts before slinging out random insults and accusations of heartlessness.

tofutti · 28/08/2023 08:06

Zerosleep · 28/08/2023 07:54

@PollyThePixie not at all, I am genuinely interested in your response to my questions. I have noticed you only comment when you think you have the upper hand, it’s clear you don’t here.

You think you have the upper hand because you asked @PollyThePixie if she lives in Nigeria and she hasn’t bothered to answer your irrelevant question? 🤣

tofutti · 28/08/2023 08:10

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 28/08/2023 07:56

‘Your dismissive attitude is exactly what’s wrong with this thread, treating everything like a joke, when people are starving in the world and you can sink £££ on coffees in a cafe. And the irony is African farmers have been screwed over for the coffee you’re drinking.’

The vast majority of coffee drunk in England comes from South America. (Surprisingly to me, Vietnam is also a major producer). Please check your facts before slinging out random insults and accusations of heartlessness.

Aww, well done for only exploiting coffee farmers in South America. Have a 🥇

The fact is African coffee farmers are losing billions from exploitation, it doesn’t matter to them who their exploiter is.

Zerosleep · 28/08/2023 09:10

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Oliotya · 28/08/2023 09:19

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 28/08/2023 07:56

‘Your dismissive attitude is exactly what’s wrong with this thread, treating everything like a joke, when people are starving in the world and you can sink £££ on coffees in a cafe. And the irony is African farmers have been screwed over for the coffee you’re drinking.’

The vast majority of coffee drunk in England comes from South America. (Surprisingly to me, Vietnam is also a major producer). Please check your facts before slinging out random insults and accusations of heartlessness.

There are still vast amounts of coffee (and tea) grown in Africa.
Two wrongs and all that.

Densol57 · 28/08/2023 09:24

PollyThePixie · 28/08/2023 07:32

I’d rather be a mug who made the choice to help someone regardless of the possibility the person may be a scammer than be someone who left a person to hardship just in case people called my a mug.

Show quote history

Please could you help me then please ? Ive a much better sob story ( havent thought of it yet though 🤣 ) but Im not a scammer - honest 🙏🙏🙏

Missingpop · 28/08/2023 09:38

Do not send money & both block him on Facebook it’s a con man

Crunchyb · 28/08/2023 09:43

Zerosleep, your husband clearly left Nigeria a long time ago and hasn’t looked back because he’s out of touch with the situation there. Or he’s from a well-off family who can help if family members fall on hard times. Maybe they have connections who can recommend family members for jobs.

Otherwise how do you propose a person who has lost their job, which probably didn’t pay enough to build up savings, proceed without asking for help from friends and acquaintances if they have exhausted family help?

Your children will die from starvation or lack of medical care while you’re being a proud Nigerian man! You must know there are no benefits, hardly any free medical care or education. Even charitable help is sparse.

So yes, men do ask women who are obviously in a significantly higher social and economic bracket for financial help. I know this happens because my mother is asked fairly frequently. Not all the requests are from people in serious need, and despite appearances she actually has limited means to help, but the requests continue to come. And she can tell when things are getting worse because that’s when people start casting their net further to more distant acquaintances because those they would usually ask are struggling themselves.

I must reiterate that I’m not recommending the OP give him this money. However if she can ascertain that she is communicating with the right person and she only sends a modest amount she is only likely to be helping out a person who needs help. Unless he’s developed a drink or drug problem!

Aserena · 28/08/2023 09:48

I think the human instinct is to protect what we have.

Anecdotally, the people I know who are well off are less generous with what they have then the people without much.

I also think empathy comes into play, less well off people recognise something of themselves in those they are helping.

Aserena · 28/08/2023 09:51

I think OP that I would tell him I cam give him £50, and ask whether he wants it in one go, or spread over a few months.
Make it clear this is all you are giving.

I think your conscience will live easier this way. If you give nothing, you will always wonder.

Whataretheodds · 28/08/2023 09:56

This is bonkers.

Everything you have described screams SCAM. You have no way of knowing that it's really him sending the messages.

Scammers groom people- they ask for a small, manageable, reasonable amount first. This does 2 things:

  1. warms people up to sending money and
  2. Sending a small amount first means that the bank regards the receiving account as trusted so most likely won't have the same warnings/checks in place for subsequent transactions.