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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Other half preventing us from going on holiday even though I’m paying for everything

344 replies

HC1718 · 25/08/2023 14:20

This is totally a first world problem so I’m going to start by apologising for that.

AIBU to be really upset with my other half for preventing us from going on holiday with my DS(5) to Florida next year even though I will be paying for everything (literally everything!)

Our relationship has a complete imbalance as I am a high earner and his salary is fairly low. I have always paid for pretty much everything and I gave up a long time ago asking him to contribute to things for our son (I pay for all the child care, clothes, shoes, school uniform, clubs/activities, birthday/Xmas presents, birthday parties etc), the only contribution he makes is to half the food shop and a third of the mortgage, everything else (including all the bills) are paid by me. Now, I have never had an issue with this as I don’t believe that the only contribution to the family is financial. However, I’m also the one that has to organise everything, cook the dinner, make sure there is bread and milk available, deal with DS’s social life, do DSs homework with him, fix things around the house (other half has self declared he has no practical skills and refuses to even attempt these things even with a YouTube tutorial), etc. Other half goes to work, comes back, has a shower, eats dinner, washes the dishes (which he will make a massive deal about that he has done it), watches some TV and sleeps, so he has a pretty sweet deal in all of this. My biggest issue is that I take on all of the mental workload for the family.

One of the things I really need is a holiday every year. My job and home life are stressful and I need to have something to look forward to. I also want my DS to have happy holiday memories. I have approached the subject of going to Florida next August, but my other half is kicking off at even the mention of it as he has decided it is not the holiday that he wants, and he wants to decide what we do if we go anywhere. My issue is that I will be paying for literally everything (including food, drinks, attractions, car hire etc), this is somewhere that I want to go and is also where DS has been asking to go for ages (the power of the TV adverts have got to him).

AIBU for feeling that he should be more open to going on holiday and that he cannot expect to make us go on a holiday that he wants if he’s not paying for it. If I go on holiday without him, then how do I explain to DS that his Dad refused to come on holiday with us?

OP posts:
afinethingindeed · 25/08/2023 16:31

What does he actually contribute? Sounds like you should be going on holiday without him and definitely reconsidering your relationship.

EskSmith · 25/08/2023 16:39

"It's not reasonable for the higher earner to have a unilateral choice of the family holiday just because he/she earns more."

I agree wholeheartedly.

However it sounds like there is much more going on here and that it is not a partnership, that is a separate issue.
Solve this first before planning holidays.

Finally you can enthuse a 5 year old about any holiday, if he truly has been exposed to that much advertising then you might want to look at that.

StopProcrastinatingGerald · 25/08/2023 16:39

TheClitterati · 25/08/2023 15:15

OP do remember that one if the most brilliant things about a woman being financially independent is that she can end ridiculous & unfulfilling relationships.

And another bonus of financial independence is you can take your kid on whatever holidays you want to go on.

This. This is my new mantra.

Takoneko · 25/08/2023 16:41

If his objection is the weather then I think you should listen to him. It is really hot, humid and wet in August. I’d melt and would not have fun at all, so if he doesn’t do well in really hot weather then I think that’s fair.

That doesn’t mean he’d get to choose the holiday, but I would go in winter instead. December is dry and pleasantly warm. Daily high temperatures in the 20s: It’s also sunnier and gets only a tenth of the rain that August does.

Malificent1 · 25/08/2023 16:43

He’s a cocklodger. Go away without him and consider kicking out the freeloader while you’re at it.

7eleven · 25/08/2023 16:45

As a general principle, does the person who’s paying get to make all the choices?

What would be saying to a poster who was a SAHM, who came on here saying she has to go on holiday where her OH says, as he pays?

stayathomer · 25/08/2023 16:45

I voted yabu but just because I earn a lottttt less than dh and wouldn’t want him to tell me where I’m going!!! (Other stuff are all issues yanbu about how little he helps if you both work!!)

Figgygal · 25/08/2023 16:45

Jesus hes a right waste of space by the sound of things op
Go on holiday without the miserable lazy selfish git

Serendipitoushedgehog · 25/08/2023 16:56

Other than doing the dishes it doesn’t sound like he makes much contribution to the family at all. Threaten to go without him.

Darkmodal · 25/08/2023 16:56

I'm a SAHM and not sure I want little or no say in where we holiday, or my husband to just take my son away without me as I don't earn any money! (As per some of the advice given).

Granted, I contribute a lot in all other ways, unlike the OPs partner by the sounds of it.

I don't the issue is the holiday per se, its the balance in the relationship that sounds wrong overall.

UsingChangeofName · 25/08/2023 16:56

"It's not reasonable for the higher earner to have a unilateral choice of the family holiday just because he/she earns more."

I agree wholeheartedly.

I agree with this too, which puts me on the fence in terms of if YABU or not.

I mean, I do wonder what he brings to the table in terms of enhancing your life, generally but that isn't what you asked.

Re the holiday, as you only have one dc, then, as many have suggested, I would go, just the 2 of you. I think if you are not a person that Disney World appeals to, then it probably is the last place on earth you would want to spend a holiday. That I can understand. So, this year, go off and do the trip with your little one as a special one off trip.

Original poster
HC1718 · 25/08/2023 16:57

I know a lot of people are saying I should leave him, and I have thought about that many a time, but at the end of the day he a fairly decent Dad and my DS would be devastated if he were not around. I certainly could have done a lot worse in the baby daddy sense.

Also regarding the get a dishwasher comments, I should clarify that I did get a dishwasher to make it easier for him and he only has to load/unload it and wash the few hand wash items, LOL. He does mow the lawn and change the light bulbs as well!

When this issue has come up in the past, I have made it clear that I am happy to alternate holidays as I get he wants to go some different places, but his position is that he doesn’t want to go and it’s not even up for discussion (and he is certainly not willing to consider want DS might want to do). It’s a firm “I don’t want to go to Florida and we are not discussing this any further”. I know if I go without him it will cause arguments.

And just to clarify we both work full time, but he does longer work days (9-10hrs versus my 7-8hrs)

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 25/08/2023 16:59

HC1718 · 25/08/2023 16:57

I know a lot of people are saying I should leave him, and I have thought about that many a time, but at the end of the day he a fairly decent Dad and my DS would be devastated if he were not around. I certainly could have done a lot worse in the baby daddy sense.

Also regarding the get a dishwasher comments, I should clarify that I did get a dishwasher to make it easier for him and he only has to load/unload it and wash the few hand wash items, LOL. He does mow the lawn and change the light bulbs as well!

When this issue has come up in the past, I have made it clear that I am happy to alternate holidays as I get he wants to go some different places, but his position is that he doesn’t want to go and it’s not even up for discussion (and he is certainly not willing to consider want DS might want to do). It’s a firm “I don’t want to go to Florida and we are not discussing this any further”. I know if I go without him it will cause arguments.

And just to clarify we both work full time, but he does longer work days (9-10hrs versus my 7-8hrs)

There isn't one good reason in that post to stay with him

He can still be a 'good' dad if you separate

Fairyliz · 25/08/2023 17:01

I’m always bemused by these threads. How do people have the brains to be a ‘high’ earner, yet not be able to see how totally unreasonable their partner is being?
Just go on holiday and ditch this useless man.

Notooserious · 25/08/2023 17:02

He’s a cocklodger who contributes nothing to your life but complication. Get a dishwasher and a cleaner, chuck him out and the cost will balance out for his “contribution” to the family - not paying for his food will be the same as the cleaner and the dishwasher cost spread over 5 years. You also get to reclaim the whole bed and go on the holiday you and your son want. Everyone wins.

well, except the stbx…

lifesabitchandthenyoudie · 25/08/2023 17:02

I don't think you 'need' to leave him if you don't want to; but I do think that, equally, you 'need' to get the holiday you and your son want. All you need to say to your son is to explain that everyone likes to do different things and that it doesn't mean daddy doesn't love him. Have a lovely, special holiday with your son.

Kath85 · 25/08/2023 17:05

just book it and go without him! My dad didn’t come on our family holidays because it was too much family time (!) and my mum just told us he was working. We never questioned it.

But you have a massive DP problem and if he’s not bringing anything to the table I would be asking him to pick up more of the mental load if he wants to stay part of the family. My mum kicked my dad out after 15 years of similar behaviour and regrets waiting so long.

Topseyt123 · 25/08/2023 17:10

Even with your update, I see absolutely no reason why you and DS cannot just go on the holiday to Florida without him.

Tell him you intend to book it by X date next week, with or without him on board. You and DS are going. He can either tag along or stay behind. Tell him THAT is not up for discussion.

If he tries to cause arguments over it then ignore him and just don't engage.

He sounds like a misery.

Lindy2 · 25/08/2023 17:11

Have the holiday you want.

If he doesn't want to come just go with your son. I expect it will be a better holiday that way.

DangerFrog · 25/08/2023 17:12

Exactly what does he do as a "fairly decent dad?"
He loads/unloads the dishwasher (and moans about it), mows the grass and changes lightbulbs.

Seriously, is that it? Does he provide any emotional support to you and/or your children? What does he do for your children? Does he help them in any way?

He seems to be showing your kids what a lazy bloke can get away with. A decent father is a good role model for their children and shows respect for their child's mother.

7eleven · 25/08/2023 17:13

He sounds very unreasonable. Book the holiday and go without him!

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 25/08/2023 17:13

Fairyliz · 25/08/2023 17:01

I’m always bemused by these threads. How do people have the brains to be a ‘high’ earner, yet not be able to see how totally unreasonable their partner is being?
Just go on holiday and ditch this useless man.

I know right?! It’s always - oh i’m the high earner, he earns much less but he’s useless in every sense of the word yet I can’t LTB ever (for whatever reason).

Someone on here the other day said their DH had sacked the cleaner without telling her and didn’t/e wouldn’t clean either but they were still SWTB (staying with the bastard) last time I read. Thank god I’ve got strong female familyrole models re marriage/divorce.

Natty13 · 25/08/2023 17:17

I’m also the one that has to organise everything, cook the dinner, make sure there is bread and milk available, deal with DS’s social life, do DSs homework with him, fix things around the house (other half has self declared he has no practical skills and refuses to even attempt these things even with a YouTube tutorial), etc. Other half goes to work, comes back, has a shower, eats dinner, washes the dishes (which he will make a massive deal about that he has done it), watches some TV and sleeps

Does he have a golden dick?

Why would you stay with a man like this?

uncomfortablydumb53 · 25/08/2023 17:21

He can still be " a fairly decent Dad" in his own home
Seriously why are you happy to put up with this?
As you're a highly paid professional you are an intelligent woman.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 25/08/2023 17:23

This is the tip of the iceberg though. If you let him dictate to you on this, what's next? I'd go without him and sod the arguments.