AIBU? Other half preventing us from going on holiday even though I’m paying for everything

[HC1718]

This is totally a first world problem so I’m going to start by apologising for that.

AIBU to be really upset with my other half for preventing us from going on holiday with my DS(5) to Florida next year even though I will be paying for everything (literally everything!)

Our relationship has a complete imbalance as I am a high earner and his salary is fairly low. I have always paid for pretty much everything and I gave up a long time ago asking him to contribute to things for our son (I pay for all the child care, clothes, shoes, school uniform, clubs/activities, birthday/Xmas presents, birthday parties etc), the only contribution he makes is to half the food shop and a third of the mortgage, everything else (including all the bills) are paid by me. Now, I have never had an issue with this as I don’t believe that the only contribution to the family is financial. However, I’m also the one that has to organise everything, cook the dinner, make sure there is bread and milk available, deal with DS’s social life, do DSs homework with him, fix things around the house (other half has self declared he has no practical skills and refuses to even attempt these things even with a YouTube tutorial), etc. Other half goes to work, comes back, has a shower, eats dinner, washes the dishes (which he will make a massive deal about that he has done it), watches some TV and sleeps, so he has a pretty sweet deal in all of this. My biggest issue is that I take on all of the mental workload for the family.

One of the things I really need is a holiday every year. My job and home life are stressful and I need to have something to look forward to. I also want my DS to have happy holiday memories. I have approached the subject of going to Florida next August, but my other half is kicking off at even the mention of it as he has decided it is not the holiday that he wants, and he wants to decide what we do if we go anywhere. My issue is that I will be paying for literally everything (including food, drinks, attractions, car hire etc), this is somewhere that I want to go and is also where DS has been asking to go for ages (the power of the TV adverts have got to him).

AIBU for feeling that he should be more open to going on holiday and that he cannot expect to make us go on a holiday that he wants if he’s not paying for it. If I go on holiday without him, then how do I explain to DS that his Dad refused to come on holiday with us?

I understand women who are financially vulnerable tolerating this kind of nonsense, but you? No, I don’t understand it at all.

Absolute madness. Your son is learning how to treat women through this man. I take it you’d be pleased to see him treating his partner exactly in the way you and OH are modelling right now?

You are a high earner. Just kick him out. It really is that simple.

My issue is that I will be paying for literally everything

I don’t think you being the higher earner means you get to pick where to go on holiday, it should be a joint decision. So going against the grain but after your first post, I thought you were being pretty unreasonable, the answers would definitely have been very different if a woman had said she earns less so doesn’t get a say in the holiday. However in your second post you say you have offered to alternate so that seems more reasonable. A pity you can’t actually find somewhere you both want to go to though.

I presume you mean WDW, in which case, well a lot of people might think it is somewhere they could not bear to go to. But if that is the case, I think your partner should be suggesting you go alone with your son.

I really don’t see what this man brings to your life - a few hand washed plates?

He doesn't contribute much non-financially either though. The OP states that she essentially runs the household, addresses anything to do with their child, cooking, holiday planning etc on top of having the more demanding job. Yes, it's not all about money, but the work/mental load in this relationship is not all all fairly balanced and the OP is exhausted.

I understand that but we only know what the OP stated in her original post.
my point is that her post is quite condescending she makes a point of how she actually paid for a dishwasher to make his life easier - she makes a point of her being the primary earner - now from the tone of her message I believe she’s quite condescending towards her husband in real life and so maybe he’s just reacting to her demands .

The main problem here is actually that you feel unevenly yoked. If you felt that despite the financial imbalance you were both pulling the same load then you would probably want to be more considerate of his wishes on holiday destinations. I would focus on the actual problem and maybe get counselling.

I agree with this. We can obviously only go on what the OP says but I think it’s interesting that she also hasn’t told us why he doesn’t want to go to Florida or whether she’s willing to consider compromises.

If the issue is Florida, would she consider California? If it’s visa background checks for the US, could they go to Paris or Tokyo? If it’s the weather in August, could they go in the winter? If it’s that he doesn’t want to spend the whole time at Disney, could they split the holiday into a Disney bit and then a beach/pool bit?

She quotes him saying that he won’t discuss it any further, which I think suggests he has given reasons. Obviously, if he just wants to go to his favourite place in Greece then he’s unreasonable but I’m reluctant to say that without knowing why he doesn’t want to go or whether OP is willing to budge a bit.

She didn’t say she has a more demanding job, she said she has a better paid job. That’s not necessarily the same thing. He’s working 2 hours per day more than she is according to her.

I usually think a holiday should be a joint decision regardless of who is the high earner but if sounds like he is just dismissing it out of hand and not suggesting anywhere else interesting/fun/suitable for everyone.

The dictatorial ‘we’re not discussing it anymore’ would be enough for me to say ‘look, DS and I really want/need a holiday, if there’s anywhere else you think we’d all like let me know, otherwise I’m going to get this booked up for DS and I before prices go up’.

The issue here is that he instantly shot down any discussion of the Florida holiday. If the tables were turned and he was the higher earner would it be acceptable for him to refuse to discuss what his partner and child wanted to do?

And yes I’m frustrated that he is not contributing in other ways to the family. I have had conversations with him about this in the past but he just dismisses it with “you women are naturally better at all this stuff”. I think ultimately his male pride is hurt over the salary difference but he doesn’t get that he needs to ‘contribute equally‘ to the family not he needs to ‘contribute equally financially’. When I finished maternity leave I suggested that he go part time for a few years so that he could spend more time with DS but he shot that down as “men don’t do that, they work full time jobs”.

Anyway, some progress was made last night. He finally entered in to a conversation about it. He said that it is not what he likes to do for a holiday, he wants to go camping or stay in a hotel in the sun somewhere in Europe (note we had this type of holiday earlier this year, and we have been to Florida before we had DS and he enjoyed that trip). We managed to compromise that we will look into a Florida holiday and that he always has the option to have a pool day on his own etc if he doesn’t fancy a park on a particular day (so thanks for all the advice on from a few people on he can go but can do his own thing on some days). We also agreed that we would have a UK getaway at some point but this would be his full responsibility for doing the organising for.

I don't understand why you're still with this parasite.

Just go without him and change the locks when you get back.

This is my last post- you can’t call someone a parasite without knowing both sides of the story.
OPs update shouts : pls feel sorry for me as my husband is not only incompetent (for earning less than me) but also a misogynist.
she’s only trying to get attention and to justify herself.

she sounds like a real joy to live with.

“he just dismisses it with “you women are naturally better at all this stuff”.

Oh just sack him off.

He’s a twat.

I think you needed to sit down and discuss what type of holiday you both want. 5 is still quite young for the parks if this is where you were thinking of going, I'd probably wait a few years so your son can appreciate and enjoy all the rides, activities, etc.

However that said I don't feel that the location is really the issue, I think your OH has issues with you earning more than him, he's presumably not able to contribute much financially to your joint lifestyle and feels belittled by you making all the decisions but isn't able to communicate this due to not being able to pay for what he would like to do. Deep down I think you also resent him for this and at some point it will come out in an argument.

You need to sit down have a frank discussion about money and decide as a family where you'd like to go on holiday next year, and make decisions about accommodation, location jointly.

Everything in this thread reminds me how being equal in relationships is so important.

I could never be in this situation and I picked a partner on the basis of being equal because I’ve had boyfriends like this before, spongers , joy riders, lazy.

you can do so much better, I’d personally rather die than go to Florida but we all do things for our families that we need to do.

get rid of him, but take someone else with you on the holiday - be hard work alone just you two

This is the MOST sensible response on this thread!! This is exactly the right advice for OP

(I know I said I wouldn’t post again but couldn’t help it)😂

You do everything and pay for almost everything......you're like a mother housing her adult son and charging digs money. I couldn't live like this.

And you say he's a good dad, yet he wouldn't entertain a free holiday that his son has been asking for and will love? Doesn't sound like he cares that much about his sons happiness to me.

Interesting. I’m in a similar position but at no point am I bothered if DH doesn’t want to come. We will just go without him 🤷🏼‍♀️

Hes not paying and I’m not having anyone miss out cause he doesn’t want to go. He can stay home and look after the cat

I agree - the most sensible thread on this post !
I would add that she does say that they both work full time and he does longer hours. OP Could also look at what she does in terms of organising sons activities and playdates - my sister has three kids and runs her self ragged taking them to various activities and she is miserable and tired cos she works full time as well and her partner does very little in terms of pick ups and drop offs to these activities. Sometimes this is an area that can be looked at in terms of reducing her daily mental load ?

He sounds very controlling.

My DH...who I know MN can't understand why I'm still with...loves us going on holiday trips without him. I was a bit worried about the first one but as they are Cosplay or Shopping Trips, he's since confessed that he loves not having to go.

If Disney isn't his thing, then book the trip for two and have a great time. How your DP reacts to that may tell you a great deal about how he views your relationship generally.

He can afford to contribute time. And effort. And care.

He doesn't

“you women are naturally better at all this stuff”
When I finished maternity leave I suggested that he go part time for a few years so that he could spend more time with DS but he shot that down as “men don’t do that, they work full time jobs”.

Sounds like he's a sexist pig who can't cope with the fact his wife earns more than he does so he's throwing his weight around the only way he knows how. I'd be wary. Men like this often use an implied threat of violence that they will act on if they don't get their own way.

He is a cock lodger .Lazy.disrespectful.a user.a chancer.
You are worth so much more than this!
Show your son the very strong person his mum is and get rid of the leach.You don't need him and this is showing your son how adults apparently live together,amid a not very nice atmosphere.
Please value yourself more and live a happier life just you and your son.
And go on the holiday,the two of you,and have a magical time.🌈🌟💐

…What? 😂😂 That has nothing to do with the post. You clearly didn’t read mine, read it again. And please explain yourself?