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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Other half preventing us from going on holiday even though I’m paying for everything

344 replies

HC1718 · 25/08/2023 14:20

This is totally a first world problem so I’m going to start by apologising for that.

AIBU to be really upset with my other half for preventing us from going on holiday with my DS(5) to Florida next year even though I will be paying for everything (literally everything!)

Our relationship has a complete imbalance as I am a high earner and his salary is fairly low. I have always paid for pretty much everything and I gave up a long time ago asking him to contribute to things for our son (I pay for all the child care, clothes, shoes, school uniform, clubs/activities, birthday/Xmas presents, birthday parties etc), the only contribution he makes is to half the food shop and a third of the mortgage, everything else (including all the bills) are paid by me. Now, I have never had an issue with this as I don’t believe that the only contribution to the family is financial. However, I’m also the one that has to organise everything, cook the dinner, make sure there is bread and milk available, deal with DS’s social life, do DSs homework with him, fix things around the house (other half has self declared he has no practical skills and refuses to even attempt these things even with a YouTube tutorial), etc. Other half goes to work, comes back, has a shower, eats dinner, washes the dishes (which he will make a massive deal about that he has done it), watches some TV and sleeps, so he has a pretty sweet deal in all of this. My biggest issue is that I take on all of the mental workload for the family.

One of the things I really need is a holiday every year. My job and home life are stressful and I need to have something to look forward to. I also want my DS to have happy holiday memories. I have approached the subject of going to Florida next August, but my other half is kicking off at even the mention of it as he has decided it is not the holiday that he wants, and he wants to decide what we do if we go anywhere. My issue is that I will be paying for literally everything (including food, drinks, attractions, car hire etc), this is somewhere that I want to go and is also where DS has been asking to go for ages (the power of the TV adverts have got to him).

AIBU for feeling that he should be more open to going on holiday and that he cannot expect to make us go on a holiday that he wants if he’s not paying for it. If I go on holiday without him, then how do I explain to DS that his Dad refused to come on holiday with us?

OP posts:
thecatsthecats · 25/08/2023 15:51

Forget the money angle. Hopefully it's just coming from a place of frustration at his attitude, but 'he who pays the piper calls the tune' isn't a good attitude in a relationship. I'm sure you'd be horrified if your son said the same to a future partner.

What's not on is the ability to discuss and the ability to have a LIFE you want together. Not just one holiday.

Duvetdayforme · 25/08/2023 15:52

Monkeylimas · 25/08/2023 14:24

Why are you spending your life with this man? He sounds pretty miserable and selfish.

Go without him.

This!!

The holiday is the least of your problems!

MrsRandom123 · 25/08/2023 15:53

I’d take your DS without him.

I’d be tempted to do it as a permanent measure. You say he can contribute in other ways but how exactly does he contribute and make you & your DS life better or easier?

i say that as a sahm. My husband pays for everything and holidays are a joint decision based on what the kids would like - i’d consider his opinion if he really vetoed somewhere but he usually goes along with everything as i organise it. I do all of the cooking, cleaning, school stuff, taking kids everywhere & all the general household organisation so he doesn’t do anything bar work. When i go back to work hopefully next year it will likely be part time until the kids are older and i’ll probably still do all / most as i won’t be earning that much in comparison but in your case i think he is being very unreasonable as you do everything as well as fully (more or less) support the 3 of you.

Tell him you are booking the holiday & if he doesn’t want to come he can organise (and pay for) what he wants to do. Book it and give you and your DS something to look forward to.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 25/08/2023 15:58

I’d get rid of him and buy a dishwasher!

purplegreen99 · 25/08/2023 15:59

He shouldn't be opting out of chores/family admin, whatever skills he has or doesn't have. This is the boring basics of adulthood and parenting and we all have to do our share unless an unequal split has been agreed, e.g. if there's a big disparity in working hours.

But you both sound like you aren't considering the other person's viewpoint about the holiday. If you don't like the same holidays, find a compromise that ticks enough boxes for both of you rather than pushing your own preference.

So I think you're both BU and need to work out how to make this a more equal relationship.

Andthereyougo · 25/08/2023 15:59

If it’s not the holiday he wants then he doesn’t go. Have a great time with your son.

Letitgonowgr · 25/08/2023 16:01

He sounds like an annoying prick! He does nothing, pays for nothing and wants to choose a holiday you’re paying for?! Why are you with him?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 25/08/2023 16:06

It sounds like his financial contribution just pays for some of his bits. So his sole contribution to your entire relationship and family life is doing the washing up. Which he grumbles about.

I'd be taking a holiday from the relationship. A permanent one. Seriously he sounds like an absolute arse and just take take take. Do you still want to be with him? I can't imagine giving so little to my family and then vetoing a holiday (that someone else has paid for, organised, booked and packed for) that the rest of my family are desperate to go on

HerMammy · 25/08/2023 16:10

Have you never wondered why you're with this waster? works, eats, sleeps and moans about a few dishes and you do everything else including pay for everything?
This isn't a relationship, that's a lodger that you shag and a pretty shit lodger at that.

Doopydoo · 25/08/2023 16:10

Jesus what a useless arsehole he is.
I would be taking the bairn myself and divorcing your lazy waste of space husband.

CantThinkOfANameAtAll · 25/08/2023 16:11

If you are married then I highly recommend you spend the Disney fund on getting a divorce and have a cheaper holiday this year (just you and son). Go to Disney next year .

If he's only a partner and house in your name then kick him out and have a lovely holiday with just your son.

Either way. Lose the loser and have a better quality of life.

TheSilentSister · 25/08/2023 16:11

Tell him that your DS wants to go and you really want to take him. He doesn't have to go with you.
My own DS really want to go to Disneyland (Paris) and it was my DH's idea of hell - but he knew it was what my DS really wanted and it would be a 'one off' magical experience. He didn't moan, went along with everything my DS wanted to do, like any decent parent would. We paid half each.

IWishIWasABaller · 25/08/2023 16:12

Doesn't sound like he brings much to the relationship at all , I'd be getting rid quick smart

NalafromtheLionKing · 25/08/2023 16:12

cocksstrideintheevening · 25/08/2023 14:21

I'd go without him, sounds like he would make it a miserable experience if he was there anyway.

I'd also be leaving the CF.

Got it in one (no more replies needed!)

MzHz · 25/08/2023 16:14

cocksstrideintheevening · 25/08/2023 14:21

I'd go without him, sounds like he would make it a miserable experience if he was there anyway.

I'd also be leaving the CF.

got it in 1z

@HC1718 you’re paying for this holiday, if he wants to come, he can come, if not. Fine. Leave him at home

do not let this man stand in the way of your life. Ask him to plan the NEXT holiday perhaps, but this one is decided.

your relationship won’t last if you can’t navigate this. He’s trying to control you ( from a position of weakness too which is the most galling part of this)

be firm. Don’t blink. Tell him you’re paying, you’re deciding

what do you tell DS about his dad not coming? Answer is to focus on the fact that this is a mum/son trip. Focus on who’s coming not who won’t be.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 25/08/2023 16:15

Get rid of him and buy a dishwasher
You're doing everything else

Orangello · 25/08/2023 16:16

I've been on plenty of holidays with my children while DH stays home. And mine is not an arse.

diddl · 25/08/2023 16:18

Tbh it's not somewhere I'd want to go & I'd be happy enough to wave you both off!

It does sound as if you are carrying him though.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 25/08/2023 16:19

Can you not just go on your holiday and replace him with a dishwasher? He sounds as though he's of neither use nor ornament.

billy1966 · 25/08/2023 16:20

Your poor child.

You have chosen an utter waster for his father.

As suggested, buy a dishwasher and get rid of this loser.

Takoneko · 25/08/2023 16:25

On the surface, I’d say this is very straightforward and I’d just reframe it as “DS and I are going to Florida next year, do you want to come?”. He sounds like a dick though, would he be petty enough to try to block you from taking DS out of the country without him?

Is there any particular reason for him to object to Florida specifically? If it’s just that he wants to choose the holiday then he can fuck off.

I wouldn’t visit Florida either but would be happy to go to California, Paris, Tokyo or Hong Kong Disney. I also wouldn’t want to visit somewhere that hot and humid in Summer but would be happy to go in winter. If it’s something like that could there be a compromise? I’m trying to work out if it’s Florida that’s the issue or if he’s just a dick who wants the holiday to be about him rather than the 5 year old.

BillaBongGirl · 25/08/2023 16:26

YANBU in principle in that he should be more open as Florida is a great place for a holiday.

I do think family holidays should be decided as a group. So take turns picking places to go. It shouldn’t be only go where the higher earner says we go, or only go where the parents want to go, etc. So an olive branch could be let’s do Florida this time, and next time you pick, and the time after that is DS
pick?

YABU to want to go to Florida in AUGUST though! That’s height of hurricane season and it is oppressively hot then. Most locals will be inside avoiding the heat. Florida is much better for an Easter break in April/May.

Oh, and do NOT swim in or go near any freshwater lakes…the alligators are everywhere. A family lost a kid to one when staying at a Disney resort as they decided to take a walk along the shore of a decorative lake and thought as it was on Disney it would be safe. Stay clear of all lake, pond, and river shores.

8misskitty8 · 25/08/2023 16:28

Sorry to be blunt but why are you with this person ?
He doesn’t appear to contribute anything to the family life.
Why are you doing everything for the family, he should be taking an equal share of that.

Pigeon31 · 25/08/2023 16:29

At least discuss with him what he thinks would be a good holiday - you can always plan it as a future trip, and he'll feel heard.

DS can have good holiday memories wherever you go.

Pigeon31 · 25/08/2023 16:30

Having been to Florida, I would also tend to not go in the height of summer. You will not want to be outside during the day.

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