AIBU? Other half preventing us from going on holiday even though I’m paying for everything

[HC1718]

This is totally a first world problem so I’m going to start by apologising for that.

AIBU to be really upset with my other half for preventing us from going on holiday with my DS(5) to Florida next year even though I will be paying for everything (literally everything!)

Our relationship has a complete imbalance as I am a high earner and his salary is fairly low. I have always paid for pretty much everything and I gave up a long time ago asking him to contribute to things for our son (I pay for all the child care, clothes, shoes, school uniform, clubs/activities, birthday/Xmas presents, birthday parties etc), the only contribution he makes is to half the food shop and a third of the mortgage, everything else (including all the bills) are paid by me. Now, I have never had an issue with this as I don’t believe that the only contribution to the family is financial. However, I’m also the one that has to organise everything, cook the dinner, make sure there is bread and milk available, deal with DS’s social life, do DSs homework with him, fix things around the house (other half has self declared he has no practical skills and refuses to even attempt these things even with a YouTube tutorial), etc. Other half goes to work, comes back, has a shower, eats dinner, washes the dishes (which he will make a massive deal about that he has done it), watches some TV and sleeps, so he has a pretty sweet deal in all of this. My biggest issue is that I take on all of the mental workload for the family.

One of the things I really need is a holiday every year. My job and home life are stressful and I need to have something to look forward to. I also want my DS to have happy holiday memories. I have approached the subject of going to Florida next August, but my other half is kicking off at even the mention of it as he has decided it is not the holiday that he wants, and he wants to decide what we do if we go anywhere. My issue is that I will be paying for literally everything (including food, drinks, attractions, car hire etc), this is somewhere that I want to go and is also where DS has been asking to go for ages (the power of the TV adverts have got to him).

AIBU for feeling that he should be more open to going on holiday and that he cannot expect to make us go on a holiday that he wants if he’s not paying for it. If I go on holiday without him, then how do I explain to DS that his Dad refused to come on holiday with us?

Take your son and have an amazing time!

OP do remember that one if the most brilliant things about a woman being financially independent is that she can end ridiculous & unfulfilling relationships.

And another bonus of financial independence is you can take your kid on whatever holidays you want to go on.

God, he sounds awful. What exactly is the point of him?

Go without him and have a serious think as to whether you need this deadbeat cocklodger in your life

Honestly, leave the lazy ungrateful sponger - your son can go on holiday with him when he decides to support himself.

I have to agree with others, ditch this cocklodger and take your son on holiday.

I could have written the exact same post three years ago. Now, I'm very happily divorced and don't have to put up with that shit. My DS13 and I go wherever we want on holiday and I have a handyman who is excellent, does all the jobs when I want them done and never complains. I wish I had done it years ago.

You should have a MASSIVE issue with this relationship, given that he is stepping up as a partner to you in absolutely no way whatsoever.

I agree about taking finances out of the question.

Can you imagine the responses if it was "my DH is the high earner and I work PT around childcare. He wants to go to X place next year for holiday but I really don't want to go and have suggested X as a compromise. But he said as he's the highest earner I get no say".

The issue here is the imbalance in your relationship. Your finances and mental and physical load of the household aren't split equally and you resent this and he resents having to do anything and not feel he gets a say because he's the lower earner.

I'm not sure you're compatible.

Fwiw I'd also hate Florida as a holiday! But I'd be more than happy for the other parent to take DC if they all wanted to go.

Leave him at home & enjoy Florida with your son.

Do you have another family member or friend who would want to join you?

I’d suggest getting rid of him and then book it as your celebration holiday!

Go on holiday without him. And on your return, refreshed and a little less ground down by being outside his influence for a week or two - get rid of him. You are not in a relationship with this man, it is far more akin to a hostage situation. I note you call him partner rather than husband, otherwise I would advise divorce. Just get rid of this man, he is dragging you down.

It would be one thing if he was actually pulling his weight at home but he sounds fucking useless, selfish and lazy.
Take your son on holiday and have a good think about what kind of example you are setting for him by staying with such a useless, lazy partner.
Please don't let him think it's ok to treat your family like this and do the bare minimum in the house.

You’ve hardly painted him in a good light? Why are you with him?

I've been on holiday without dh and taken the kids. He's done the same. Sometimes all the kids, sometimes just 1 or 2.
It depends on work/timing/what we're doing etc.
Sometimes it's nice to be a family, sometimes it's nice to have a smaller group.

Go and do it; your ds won't even comment probably.

Sounds like you’d be much happier without him in your life.

This.

He sounds pretty awful, and I can see why your higher earnings makes you even more (reasonably) pissed off about his failure to join in the household mental load and general workload. However it's not reasonable for the higher earner to have a unilateral choice of the family holiday just because he/she earns more.

If he has genuine good qualities that you have neglected to mention then you need to have a serious conversation with him about his behaviour, and (assuming that that doesn't end with you kicking him out) another conversation about how you can either get a holiday you all enjoy, or get his consent for you to go to Florida with DS on your own (and you will need his consent).

This

He washes the dishes, chuck him and get a dishwasher.

^This.

@HC1718 this isn't about Florida.

This is about your partner being weak and pathetic. Instead of being proud of you and your career, he is resentful and jealous so he pushes back to 'punish' you on the things he can - like doing his fair share and Florida.

What exactly is he bringing to the relationship? Doesn't sound like anything.

You do it all and all you ask if that he supports you. He can't even do that.

I hope one day the blinkers come off and you realise you'd be better without him hanging off you like a dead weight.

Tell him you are going to Florida. He can come or stay home. If he wants another holiday, he can pay for that and you'll get 2 holidays.

Stop pandering to him. Open your eyes and fight your corner.

Yes definitely this. He sounds like a complete tosser tbh. If you're the one paying for everything then you've absolutely got the right to go where you want. Tell him when he starts paying for more like you do, then you may take into account his ideas but until then, do one mate

Your respective salaries are irrelevant. In many - perhaps most families, one partner will earn more than the other. The important points are do you both work full-time or does one/both of you work less than full time, and depending upon the answer to that how do you divide up the work of the house/child (I know, currently you do it all which is certainly unfair, but ESPECIALLY if you both work the same hours)? FWIW, I earn less than my DH but he couldn't/wouldn't unilaterally decide where we are going on holiday. In fact, I'd hate to go to Florida, so we wouldn't go - even though I am the low earner(!!), we'd go somewhere we all want to go. The issue is that he doesn't help out at all. I wouldn't go on holiday without him, I would discuss and agree a better division of labour at home. If he is not willing to change well then I might not be so happy in the relationship...

Swap him for a dishwasher.

This!

WTAF!

If I go on holiday without him, then how do I explain to DS that his Dad refused to come on holiday with us?

“We’re going to Disney, DS, a special trip just you and me - isn’t that exciting!”

Really don't agree with all the "you're paying for everything" comments - it is family money. The highest earner in the relationship doesn't get to decide everything just because society monetarily values their skills/experience more. There are plenty of undervalued jobs. The issue in this relationship is the division of labour.