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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Other half preventing us from going on holiday even though I’m paying for everything

344 replies

HC1718 · 25/08/2023 14:20

This is totally a first world problem so I’m going to start by apologising for that.

AIBU to be really upset with my other half for preventing us from going on holiday with my DS(5) to Florida next year even though I will be paying for everything (literally everything!)

Our relationship has a complete imbalance as I am a high earner and his salary is fairly low. I have always paid for pretty much everything and I gave up a long time ago asking him to contribute to things for our son (I pay for all the child care, clothes, shoes, school uniform, clubs/activities, birthday/Xmas presents, birthday parties etc), the only contribution he makes is to half the food shop and a third of the mortgage, everything else (including all the bills) are paid by me. Now, I have never had an issue with this as I don’t believe that the only contribution to the family is financial. However, I’m also the one that has to organise everything, cook the dinner, make sure there is bread and milk available, deal with DS’s social life, do DSs homework with him, fix things around the house (other half has self declared he has no practical skills and refuses to even attempt these things even with a YouTube tutorial), etc. Other half goes to work, comes back, has a shower, eats dinner, washes the dishes (which he will make a massive deal about that he has done it), watches some TV and sleeps, so he has a pretty sweet deal in all of this. My biggest issue is that I take on all of the mental workload for the family.

One of the things I really need is a holiday every year. My job and home life are stressful and I need to have something to look forward to. I also want my DS to have happy holiday memories. I have approached the subject of going to Florida next August, but my other half is kicking off at even the mention of it as he has decided it is not the holiday that he wants, and he wants to decide what we do if we go anywhere. My issue is that I will be paying for literally everything (including food, drinks, attractions, car hire etc), this is somewhere that I want to go and is also where DS has been asking to go for ages (the power of the TV adverts have got to him).

AIBU for feeling that he should be more open to going on holiday and that he cannot expect to make us go on a holiday that he wants if he’s not paying for it. If I go on holiday without him, then how do I explain to DS that his Dad refused to come on holiday with us?

OP posts:
Hibiscrubbed · 27/08/2023 14:56

Hihellogoodbye · 27/08/2023 09:43

This is my last post- you can’t call someone a parasite without knowing both sides of the story.
OPs update shouts : pls feel sorry for me as my husband is not only incompetent (for earning less than me) but also a misogynist.
she’s only trying to get attention and to justify herself.

she sounds like a real joy to live with.

Show quote history

Your posts really should be disregarded.

Siestamama · 27/08/2023 14:57

HC1718 · 27/08/2023 09:07

The issue here is that he instantly shot down any discussion of the Florida holiday. If the tables were turned and he was the higher earner would it be acceptable for him to refuse to discuss what his partner and child wanted to do?

And yes I’m frustrated that he is not contributing in other ways to the family. I have had conversations with him about this in the past but he just dismisses it with “you women are naturally better at all this stuff”. I think ultimately his male pride is hurt over the salary difference but he doesn’t get that he needs to ‘contribute equally‘ to the family not he needs to ‘contribute equally financially’. When I finished maternity leave I suggested that he go part time for a few years so that he could spend more time with DS but he shot that down as “men don’t do that, they work full time jobs”.

Anyway, some progress was made last night. He finally entered in to a conversation about it. He said that it is not what he likes to do for a holiday, he wants to go camping or stay in a hotel in the sun somewhere in Europe (note we had this type of holiday earlier this year, and we have been to Florida before we had DS and he enjoyed that trip). We managed to compromise that we will look into a Florida holiday and that he always has the option to have a pool day on his own etc if he doesn’t fancy a park on a particular day (so thanks for all the advice on from a few people on he can go but can do his own thing on some days). We also agreed that we would have a UK getaway at some point but this would be his full responsibility for doing the organising for.

That’s good, I’m glad you came to a compromise. I’ve been in this situation too of earning way more than my partner and also at another time my partner earning way more than me and how this can affect how ‘useful or valid’ someone feels. That’s great he could talk about it and I’d definitely hold him to his arranging of a UK holiday somewhere so he still takes responsibility for that. Well done 👍

Hibiscrubbed · 27/08/2023 14:58

I really couldn’t get past the ‘you women are better at this stuff…’, while contributing neither time, nor money, nor effect to his family life. Useless prick.

Hihellogoodbye · 27/08/2023 15:01

Hibiscrubbed · 27/08/2023 14:56

Your posts really should be disregarded.

Show quote history

Wow talking about rude- as if you had something intelligent to say - you are just encouraging someone to destroy their marriage so I guess in todays society that’s ok.
I think your post is rather insulting

TomatoSandwiches · 27/08/2023 15:01

😂😂😂 certain posters thinking she should lower her very reasonable standards and cutting out opportunities afforded to their son for a better quality of life instead of expecting her husband to do more than just work a job, wash a few pots and do a few pick ups or drop offs for their sons benefit because his laziness and incompetence makes him feel emasculated 😂😂😂

Can't believe there's still people like this or are you both men by any chance?

Sudoku88 · 27/08/2023 15:10

greyhairnomore · 25/08/2023 14:43

Definitely go without him , and tell him to find somewhere else to live.

Exactly!! This man brings absolutely nothing to the table.
I can’t believe someone would put up with this crap. He sounds like an absolutely useless, selfish piece of shit. He’s clearly got things just as he likes it. Has he no self-respect?

Time to get rid, OP. In the long run you’d be so much better off without him. Useless, selfish, sponging fucker.

Hibiscrubbed · 27/08/2023 15:41

Hihellogoodbye · 27/08/2023 15:01

Wow talking about rude- as if you had something intelligent to say - you are just encouraging someone to destroy their marriage so I guess in todays society that’s ok.
I think your post is rather insulting

Show quote history

Yes. It was supposed to be.

“She sounds like a real joy to live with.” Now that was rude.

BessMarvin · 27/08/2023 15:53

I'm finding this a bit strange. He might go to florida is progress. But the he thinks he should work full time and not be involved with the house / family because he's male is not an issue worth being that bothered about?

Hihellogoodbye · 27/08/2023 15:58

Hibiscrubbed · 27/08/2023 15:41

Yes. It was supposed to be.

“She sounds like a real joy to live with.” Now that was rude.

Show quote history

well I’d hate for my partner to talk about me like that on Mumsnet so yeah I think she’s a real ‘joy’ to live with- she is a real condescending woman in reality- belittling her husband that way.

Dwab · 27/08/2023 16:59

Go on holiday and tell him you want him gone by the time you get back.

Hibiscrubbed · 27/08/2023 17:03

Hihellogoodbye · 27/08/2023 15:58

well I’d hate for my partner to talk about me like that on Mumsnet so yeah I think she’s a real ‘joy’ to live with- she is a real condescending woman in reality- belittling her husband that way.

Show quote history

I can’t work out if your standards are extremely low, you have low self-esteem, limited comprehension skills or you’re a man, but have you not taken on board what the OP has said? Or have you chosen to ignore it for some bizarre reason?

He earns considerably less. Sure. Sometimes that happens. It’s not actually the problem.

The problem is that as well as contributing next to nothing to the household (most notably to the son, despite being asked to help more) he also does no housework except a few dishes (for which he expects constant lauding), no time nor effort and he has taken on precisely none of the ‘mental load’. The OP does everything.

And despite this, he thought he should get to dictate the holiday with no discussion, and that it should be something he wanted, disregarding what his wife and child wanted. The fact that he contributes nothing to this holiday financially just about puts the tin lid on it…

greyhairnomore · 27/08/2023 17:24

Hihellogoodbye · 27/08/2023 07:08

Wow I didn’t realise people are so gold diggers on Mumsnet- it’s not always about the financial gain though is it. Would you destroy your child’s life because your husband doesn’t earn as much as you?!
wow just wow …

It's nothing to do with the money in this case.

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 27/08/2023 17:47

"I am the one who has to". You don't. You are choosing this. Choose to go on holiday.

Agapornis · 27/08/2023 20:23

“you women are naturally better at all this stuff”
“men don’t do that, they work full time jobs”

Do you really want your DS to grow up believing sexist shit like this?

DVL · 28/08/2023 00:09

Forget about the money for a sec…

You and your son want to go so it’s 2 against 1, sorry Sir

flutterby1 · 28/08/2023 00:14

What you really need is not a holiday, what you really need is a divorce/ separation THEN go on holiday. Don't be scared of doing it alone, you do anyway. I also do it alone. Couldn't stand a man not pulling his weight , either financially or in terms of support .

PTSDBarbiegirl · 28/08/2023 00:34

Take your DC and leave him at home. Book a weekend away with him soon and discuss, sort this huge millstone out and move on together or separate.

T1Dmama · 28/08/2023 14:19

I booked and paid for a family holiday each year.. ex husband was very difficult and never wanted to do the same as us.. so while we were swimming hed sulk in room… we had to watch shows he wanted to watch in the evenings .. he would say he didn’t want breakfast (which I’d paid for).. then a few hours later go off and eat a HUGE lunch… then be too full for the dinner if paid for as part of the package…. Taking him meant I was already paying double for the room, then paying an extra £150 for food which he refused … ruined the holiday for me..
so we started going without him!! Best holidays I’ve had as I only have one child to please not 2! (Manchild) frankly I hated having to compromise constantly to try to keep both him & DD happy, always at the expense of my own enjoyment.. we’ve separated now and honestly I’m so much happier and didn’t realise how hard he made my life.

Fluffmum · 28/08/2023 18:27

Get rid of this freeloader.

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