AIBU? Other half preventing us from going on holiday even though I’m paying for everything

[HC1718]

This is totally a first world problem so I’m going to start by apologising for that.

AIBU to be really upset with my other half for preventing us from going on holiday with my DS(5) to Florida next year even though I will be paying for everything (literally everything!)

Our relationship has a complete imbalance as I am a high earner and his salary is fairly low. I have always paid for pretty much everything and I gave up a long time ago asking him to contribute to things for our son (I pay for all the child care, clothes, shoes, school uniform, clubs/activities, birthday/Xmas presents, birthday parties etc), the only contribution he makes is to half the food shop and a third of the mortgage, everything else (including all the bills) are paid by me. Now, I have never had an issue with this as I don’t believe that the only contribution to the family is financial. However, I’m also the one that has to organise everything, cook the dinner, make sure there is bread and milk available, deal with DS’s social life, do DSs homework with him, fix things around the house (other half has self declared he has no practical skills and refuses to even attempt these things even with a YouTube tutorial), etc. Other half goes to work, comes back, has a shower, eats dinner, washes the dishes (which he will make a massive deal about that he has done it), watches some TV and sleeps, so he has a pretty sweet deal in all of this. My biggest issue is that I take on all of the mental workload for the family.

One of the things I really need is a holiday every year. My job and home life are stressful and I need to have something to look forward to. I also want my DS to have happy holiday memories. I have approached the subject of going to Florida next August, but my other half is kicking off at even the mention of it as he has decided it is not the holiday that he wants, and he wants to decide what we do if we go anywhere. My issue is that I will be paying for literally everything (including food, drinks, attractions, car hire etc), this is somewhere that I want to go and is also where DS has been asking to go for ages (the power of the TV adverts have got to him).

AIBU for feeling that he should be more open to going on holiday and that he cannot expect to make us go on a holiday that he wants if he’s not paying for it. If I go on holiday without him, then how do I explain to DS that his Dad refused to come on holiday with us?

I know if I go without him it will cause arguments.

And? He doesn't seem to care about this.

Half way through I'm thinking how awful you sound, judging things based on financial contributions.
I was a bit quick to judge and by the end I'd say just go, with a bit of luck he'll pack his bags while you're out there.

I know if I go without him it will cause arguments.

Shouldn't do, if he's not interested in discussion. He won't go, so you two do, no discussion.

What's stopping him? Does he feel emasculated because you're paying?

When this issue has come up in the past, I have made it clear that I am happy to alternate holidays as I get he wants to go some different places, but his position is that he doesn’t want to go and it’s not even up for discussion (and he is certainly not willing to consider want DS might want to do). It’s a firm “I don’t want to go to Florida and we are not discussing this any further”. I know if I go without him it will cause arguments.

Men like this piss me off so much. They do just enough to get away with seeming lovely but when it comes to doing something they don't particularly want to do, that's when they throw their weight around and show what self-centred arseholes they really are. And what's the problem with the arguments? Is there a threat of something else there?

Just have your holiday OP. Leave your partner to do whatever it is he wants but you have the holiday you want. And he can argue away but you were prepared to compromise, whereas he isn't. So tough, go. Otherwise he'll keep on doing this petty arguing when he doesn't get his own way and isn't prepared to compromise.

It’s a firm “I don’t want to go to Florida and we are not discussing this any further”

Try to find your backbone and tell him: I want to go to Florida and we are not discussing it any further.

You have two issues

1. the imbalance re mental load etc. his days sound long - is there a reason he’s doing long hours for less pay? Eg is he on a track to something that will up his wages or is he just staying late as it’s easier than being at home? He doesn’t sound like he is being fair re domestic work and needs to pull his finger out.

2. holidays won’t always be 100% perfect for everyone. If he really hates the idea of Florida he does need to be able to articulate why but also not get the jump if you want to go one year. Is there something he actually wants to do or is he just being mardy about doing anything? There would be ways to make Florida work if he had specific objections. Eg if he’s anti Disney you could stay in a more adult resort where he could chill and you go to the parks. If it’s weather, there would be options to compromise re time of year.

@HC1718

It’s a firm “I don’t want to go to Florida and we are not discussing this any further”. I know if I go without him it will cause arguments.

I'm sorry, I still don't get it. You won't go because there may be 'arguments'? And your fear of 'arguments' is greater than your desire to give your DS a holiday that many children (and adults) can only dream of?

Perhaps you should define 'arguments'. Because if you're talking about run of the mill 'quarrels' then YABU not to override him and go. Book the holiday, tell him you are going and walk away if he starts to argue. If you're talking about vicious name-calling, screaming, and physical violence or intimidation then I guess I see why you want to avoid that! But if that's what's going on YADBU not to leave.

Here's the thing, if that is what is going on or if you walk on eggshells to avoid upsetting him then he is definitely NOT a good dad, no matter how he interacts with DS. The most important thing a GOOD dad does is to treat their DC's mother with respect. Because mutual respect between mum and dad builds the foundation of their children's future relationships.

Has he given a reason why he doesn’t want to go to Florida? I think the reason does make a difference.

He will still be your sons dad if you split up. Why would you waste the best years of your life with a draining waste of space like this. You sound like you already are a single parent in everything but name already. Go on holiday and tell him to move out

Go without him.
Tell your son it's a special holiday for you and him. You'll have a great time.

You're going to look back on this time and wonder why you put yourself and your son through this life. He is a crap dad and husband he thinks he is God. Show him he is wrong.

'I don't want to go to Florida and we are not discussing this any further' .

No point reasoning with someone who talks to you like that . Just go . He may argue but it'll be worth it while you and your DS are enjoying yourselves on holiday .

A decent Dad would put his child's wants first. Honestly, seeing the sheer joy on a child's face, it doesn't have to be Florida, just something that they love it priceless. We took Ds on a Thomas the Tank Engine thing with real steam trains, I was heavily pregnant, absolutely hateThomas and the bloody island of Sodor but my son's body lit up when he realised where we were. For that reason alone your partner is a twat for refusing to go or discuss it.

Book it, take your son because you know he would love it.

"Fairly decent dad" but won't let his child go somewhere fun on holiday...

I know you say he's a fairly decent dad OP, but do you love him? Your DS is only five, years of this could lead to resentment and an unhappy house for him to grow up in.

If he's not prepared to have a mature conversation about where you go on holiday, then that's his problem. I'd just book it. What's he going to do - leave you?

Where is he suggesting as an alternative @HC1718

Your kid would still be parented by the man when you dump him, so that’s no excuse to keep the pointless misogynist in your house.

I’m really sorry you are stuck with such a man ,it must be very difficult for you.
are you scared he will go for 50/50 or you will have to support him or sell the house to give him half ..is that why your still with him

How is he a decent dad? A decent dad wouldn’t treat the DC’s mum like shit. What decent dad doesn’t contribute to costs relating to the DC in the family.

In the opening part of your first post you refer to ‘my’ son so initially thought your partner was stepdad but later on you refer to ‘our’ son, so assume joint child. But I think the use of ‘my’ is quite telling, and shows how much parenting he probably does

I am a high earner and his salary is fairly low. I have always paid for pretty much everything and I gave up a long time ago asking him to contribute to things for our son (I pay for all the child care, clothes, shoes, school uniform, clubs/activities, birthday/Xmas presents, birthday parties etc), the only contribution he makes is to half the food shop and a third of the mortgage, everything else (including all the bills) are paid by me.

Even if he earns minimum wage but works full time (40 hours), he will earn over £21k before tax. That's hardly destitute if you're only paying a 3rd of the mortgage and not paying bills or childcare. If he isn't contributing towards childcare costs then he should be paying for clothes, school uniform, presents etc. He sounds like he's scrounging off you. I'd say this whether he was a man or a woman. What's the appeal?

Just tell him you’re going. Don’t suggest it, don’t ask, just tell him.
”I have decided to take DS to WDW Florida next year. We are going in xxx, for two weeks, this is where I’m thinking of staying. Would you like to come or shall I just go ahead and book for the two of us?”

This place is deeply depressing at times. I just don't get why anyone would put up with this.

He doesn't get to dictate where you can and cannot go Op, bugger the arguments, take your DC to Disney and tell him he can go wherever he likes but you're not paying. And just so you know Op, over and over on MN women talk about shoddy partners/husbands and the one thing 98% of them say in mitigation is "He's a good dad". It usually means there's nothing good you can say about them

“Decent dad” but won’t consider going on holiday with his son because he doesn’t want to. Your DS is only little for a short while. He will be off on boys hols to Magaluf before you know it. Time really flys, don’t look back and regret wasting so much time on pleasing the overgrown man child. He’s an arsehole. Stop mollycoddling him.

he’s not ‘other half’, that implies a functioning respectful adult. You’ve got a parasite.