AIBU? Other half preventing us from going on holiday even though I’m paying for everything

[HC1718]

This is totally a first world problem so I’m going to start by apologising for that.

AIBU to be really upset with my other half for preventing us from going on holiday with my DS(5) to Florida next year even though I will be paying for everything (literally everything!)

Our relationship has a complete imbalance as I am a high earner and his salary is fairly low. I have always paid for pretty much everything and I gave up a long time ago asking him to contribute to things for our son (I pay for all the child care, clothes, shoes, school uniform, clubs/activities, birthday/Xmas presents, birthday parties etc), the only contribution he makes is to half the food shop and a third of the mortgage, everything else (including all the bills) are paid by me. Now, I have never had an issue with this as I don’t believe that the only contribution to the family is financial. However, I’m also the one that has to organise everything, cook the dinner, make sure there is bread and milk available, deal with DS’s social life, do DSs homework with him, fix things around the house (other half has self declared he has no practical skills and refuses to even attempt these things even with a YouTube tutorial), etc. Other half goes to work, comes back, has a shower, eats dinner, washes the dishes (which he will make a massive deal about that he has done it), watches some TV and sleeps, so he has a pretty sweet deal in all of this. My biggest issue is that I take on all of the mental workload for the family.

One of the things I really need is a holiday every year. My job and home life are stressful and I need to have something to look forward to. I also want my DS to have happy holiday memories. I have approached the subject of going to Florida next August, but my other half is kicking off at even the mention of it as he has decided it is not the holiday that he wants, and he wants to decide what we do if we go anywhere. My issue is that I will be paying for literally everything (including food, drinks, attractions, car hire etc), this is somewhere that I want to go and is also where DS has been asking to go for ages (the power of the TV adverts have got to him).

AIBU for feeling that he should be more open to going on holiday and that he cannot expect to make us go on a holiday that he wants if he’s not paying for it. If I go on holiday without him, then how do I explain to DS that his Dad refused to come on holiday with us?

Yes, this. I think it’s horrific to lord it over your partner because you happen to earn more, and therefore you feel you have to get veto one everything you pay for. It’s a terrible imbalance to bring to a relationship, and to shot to your children. Isn’t all your money joint money? Family money? Especially for family things like family holidays. It’s awful for pull the “but I’m paying for it” card.

You had my full sympathy until you wrote that, because carrying the mental load alone is pretty rough.

Wow. In all seriousness, I think this thread and comments like this might be what FINALLY pushes me to leave Mumsnet. What an appealing way to run a relationship, and an awful thing you counsel someone else to do. Can you imagine the reverse? “My husband has taken gone on holiday with our children without me, because he said he’s paying for his t so I don’t get a say.”

Give your head a wobble. Seriously.

WTaF?!?! You are mad. Quite mad. All of you here are.

Imagine a man taking children on holiday without his wife because she “hasn’t paid for it”.

You haven't read the OP's posts properly, have you?

I have always paid for pretty much everything and I gave up a long time ago asking him to contribute to things for our son (I pay for all the child care, clothes, shoes, school uniform, clubs/activities, birthday/Xmas presents, birthday parties etc), the only contribution he makes is to half the food shop and a third of the mortgage, everything else (including all the bills) are paid by me

Other half goes to work, comes back, has a shower, eats dinner, washes the dishes (which he will make a massive deal about that he has done it), watches some TV and sleeps, so he has a pretty sweet deal in all of this

My biggest issue is that I take on all of the mental workload for the family.

my other half is kicking off at even the mention of it as he has decided it is not the holiday that he wants, and he wants to decide what we do if we go anywhere

Are you quite mad?

All from the OP. You appear not to have read it properly.

The son has asked again and again for this holiday. The OP wants to go. She can afford it. Despite this, the H has decreed ‘no’ and that he should decide the destination, despite paying nothing for it, paying very little towards the home, paying nothing for his son, and having none of the mental load of the home…

The lack of sharing the mental load thing is shit. I get that, and I’ve acknowledged that. That’s a separate issue, and one that she really needs to sort with him so that he does his fair share.

But NOTHING else in the post leads me to think that a family holiday should be had without him, unless he actually agrees that’s ok. Maybe he can’t afford to contribute as much as she does?

Why are you so terrified of having an argument? Surely it is overdue? Don't you ever have to be assertive or deal with conflict in your highly-paid job?

This. What does he do apart from sponge off you?

Not a huge deal that he won't be going. Enjoy your holiday with your son alone.

Florida is epic, just got back with our 4yo. Not massively DH’s cup of tea but he threw himself into it because DS wanted to go, and the pure and constant joy on DS face means DH wants to take him again in a few years time. He hates long haul flying though so wants to stay short haul for the next couple of years, which I’m on board with. Because that’s how you discuss these things in a relationship - compromise.

I still have seen no reason given by your DH for why he doesn’t want to go. If DH said ‘we’re not going, end of discussion’ he could get fucked tbh!

I think you may have mis understood my comment - I meant if he really doesnt want to go on the holiday that the mum and little one want to, then dont go - he shouldnt go on anything he wont enjoy and she shouldnt miss out on something important to her - lots of partners have holidays with their children seperately if the type of holiday doesnt suit -
Youre right Ive only been in a relationship 43 years so maybe Im not good at this sort of stuff and really not sure why my head needs a wobble but hey

What’s his beef with Florida? Some people do take kids to Disney when they are not tall enough to go on everything and some people would argue this is a reason not to take a 5 year old…

It is hilarious that you think caring for even an easy home and child is less than 5 hours per day, of which the husband is doing maybe an hour. And that isn't even counting the weekend when most weekly cleaning and laundry is done. And the OP is even doing the "men's jobs" of repairs in the house. So, given the average of the times she gave, he is putting in 5 hours more paid work per week. She is putting in 35 hours of childcare and household care per week. And I am putting the dishes in her work as well because while he is technically loading the dishwasher, she still has to daily be the supervisor of said dishes chore. Frankly, she would probably gain more time in her day just doing it herself. It takes like 10 minutes to load a dishwasher for a small family and she has to spend 20 minutes telling him to do it and buttering him up and praising him for doing it and another 10 minutes listening to him complain about doing it.

But its not just about the holiday. The holiday is the tip of the iceberg

Sometimes men need to be put in place and realise that they need to do their bit about the house no you are not being unreasonable
😍

I read your posts OP and unfortunately I think you are being unreasonable. My honest opinion is that you think little of him because he doesn’t contribute as much as you financially but my question to you is: is he spending his money on drinking/drugs/ going out? Is he contributing towards your household as much as he can?
is he a good dad spending time with his son?

i think holidays should be chosen together as a couple, regardless of each of your income.

I think he must be feeling hurt that you’d not ask his opinion before choosing to go somewhere so expensive- remember he’s still part of the family!!

to be fair I’d never talk about my other half like that as it’s very disrespectful.

Essentially he provides very little to the family, not just financially but to the running of the home and parenting but also seems to think that he has final say on deciding the rewards of the family pot.

No, you can't have such little imput on the slog of having a family and then ignore what two thirds of the family want to do for a holiday.

He is selfish and entitled op, he isn't a good dad at all and not even mature enough to have a discussion about it.

That’s exactly correct. If it was a man’s post everyone would be at his throat

I think you'd be hard pressed to find a mother that would aggressively shut down talk of taking her child on their dream holiday.

I agree - but I do believe OPs post is quite condescending and we don’t really know what exactly has been said. From her post I gather she doesn’t think much of him

Hi sorry - see my response above -forgot to quote you

‘Our relationship has a complete imbalance as I am a high earner and his salary is fairly low.’ This right here is the problem. It’s great you are a high earner and I am beyond impressed that you are doing literally all the work but over time this imbalance will simply make you resentful and ironically make him controlling - because he HAS no control in the situation. You’re the main breadwinner? He’s probably fully aware that he doesn’t have much input here, in the way that he would if he was paying. Considering all the guys I’ve met and been with including my husband, a lot of men like to feel useful by paying for things (when they don’t or can’t pay for things and the woman can I’ve seen them get angry, depressed, controlling and in their words, they don’t feel like men as it seems like you don’t really need them). Therefore to test this theory, I’d recommend going to Florida with your son as a separate trip but tell DH you want him to organise and pay for a trip after Florida that fits nicely within his budget ‘for the family’. If he just refuses, that tells you all you need to know (chuck him!) If he agrees and plans the trip, I guarantee you it’s a power imbalance thing with him feeling emasculated due to his lower salary (which he may not have the skill level to change 🤷‍♀️). Otherwise as other posters have said, why are you with him? You should look for someone earning within the same wage bracket as you to avoid this imbalance being a problem in your life again.

Go without him! He doesn’t realise how lucky he is. Make memories for you and your son. He will remember them fondly when he’s older

Wow I didn’t realise people are so gold diggers on Mumsnet- it’s not always about the financial gain though is it. Would you destroy your child’s life because your husband doesn’t earn as much as you?!
wow just wow …

Above was aimed at @Siestamama