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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Other half preventing us from going on holiday even though I’m paying for everything

344 replies

HC1718 · 25/08/2023 14:20

This is totally a first world problem so I’m going to start by apologising for that.

AIBU to be really upset with my other half for preventing us from going on holiday with my DS(5) to Florida next year even though I will be paying for everything (literally everything!)

Our relationship has a complete imbalance as I am a high earner and his salary is fairly low. I have always paid for pretty much everything and I gave up a long time ago asking him to contribute to things for our son (I pay for all the child care, clothes, shoes, school uniform, clubs/activities, birthday/Xmas presents, birthday parties etc), the only contribution he makes is to half the food shop and a third of the mortgage, everything else (including all the bills) are paid by me. Now, I have never had an issue with this as I don’t believe that the only contribution to the family is financial. However, I’m also the one that has to organise everything, cook the dinner, make sure there is bread and milk available, deal with DS’s social life, do DSs homework with him, fix things around the house (other half has self declared he has no practical skills and refuses to even attempt these things even with a YouTube tutorial), etc. Other half goes to work, comes back, has a shower, eats dinner, washes the dishes (which he will make a massive deal about that he has done it), watches some TV and sleeps, so he has a pretty sweet deal in all of this. My biggest issue is that I take on all of the mental workload for the family.

One of the things I really need is a holiday every year. My job and home life are stressful and I need to have something to look forward to. I also want my DS to have happy holiday memories. I have approached the subject of going to Florida next August, but my other half is kicking off at even the mention of it as he has decided it is not the holiday that he wants, and he wants to decide what we do if we go anywhere. My issue is that I will be paying for literally everything (including food, drinks, attractions, car hire etc), this is somewhere that I want to go and is also where DS has been asking to go for ages (the power of the TV adverts have got to him).

AIBU for feeling that he should be more open to going on holiday and that he cannot expect to make us go on a holiday that he wants if he’s not paying for it. If I go on holiday without him, then how do I explain to DS that his Dad refused to come on holiday with us?

OP posts:
stayathomer · 25/08/2023 19:39

The reason people are saying about if the tiles are reversed is that op’s main argument was that he’s not contributing to the holiday. If a sahm came on and said her dh says she has no say in the holiday are you honestly saying people would say that was okay? She’s doing that to her dh!!! As I said I work in retail and earn so much less than dh, do I just suck up every financial decision he makes?

stayathomer · 25/08/2023 19:39

Roles not tiles!!!

CantThinkOfANameAtAll · 25/08/2023 19:42

stayathomer · 25/08/2023 19:39

The reason people are saying about if the tiles are reversed is that op’s main argument was that he’s not contributing to the holiday. If a sahm came on and said her dh says she has no say in the holiday are you honestly saying people would say that was okay? She’s doing that to her dh!!! As I said I work in retail and earn so much less than dh, do I just suck up every financial decision he makes?

A SAHM tends to deal with the housework, the childcare, the garden, the admin side of things to compensate for not bringing money in. She SAVES the family money.

What is he doing? It's not comparable at all and it's ridiculous to even say it.

Jl2014 · 25/08/2023 19:50

He sounds awful, OP. Read your post back and think of what you would advise someone else in your situation. I really don’t get how you could be in a relationship like this. It sounds like your partner is very selfish and taking advantage of you. If he really cared about you he’d be trying to do his fair share.

Unfortunately for some men this is what a relationship is for them so unlikely to change.

Takoneko · 25/08/2023 19:52

CantThinkOfANameAtAll · 25/08/2023 19:42

A SAHM tends to deal with the housework, the childcare, the garden, the admin side of things to compensate for not bringing money in. She SAVES the family money.

What is he doing? It's not comparable at all and it's ridiculous to even say it.

Show quote history

He does work 45-50 hours per week, to be fair.
he obviously needs to pull his weight a bit more but he’s not a SAHD, he’s just paid a lot less than the OP even though he works anywhere between 5-15 hours per week more than the her.

WhenLifeGivesYouLimes · 25/08/2023 19:56

CantThinkOfANameAtAll · 25/08/2023 19:42

A SAHM tends to deal with the housework, the childcare, the garden, the admin side of things to compensate for not bringing money in. She SAVES the family money.

What is he doing? It's not comparable at all and it's ridiculous to even say it.

Show quote history

He's working full time.

The fact that he doesn't earn as much as the OP doesn't make him a waste of space: it's his failure to pull his weight on the mental load that makes him a waste of space.

Dillane · 25/08/2023 20:02

Why are you with him OP?

Zonder · 25/08/2023 20:04

I'm amazed he gets to decide!

PuzzledObserver · 25/08/2023 20:11

Do you have enough leave entitlement for Florida with your son AND another holiday as a whole family at another time?

If so, so that.

That way, you and your son get the holiday you both want, your DH doesn’t have to come since he doesn’t want to, AND you get another holiday for downtime as well.

knobkopf · 25/08/2023 20:16

I have approached the subject of going to Florida next August, but my other half is kicking off at even the mention of it as he has decided it is not the holiday that he wants, and he wants to decide what we do if we go anywhere. My issue is that I will be paying for literally everything (including food, drinks, attractions, car hire etc), this is somewhere that I want to go and is also where DS has been asking to go for ages (the power of the TV adverts have got to him)

When I read this I don't see a controlling OP. It's him who has decided he doesn't want to go to Florida and is kicking off and it's him who wants to decide what they do. He doesn't seem to care that DS wants to go there (leaving OP's wishes out of this just for a moment - but she would also like to go there).

The OP does say her issue is that she will be paying for literally everything. I didn't read that as her wanting to control and be the boss because she has more money. I think the point was more that it's not like he has to contribute a whole pile of money he doesn't have to a holiday he doesn't want to go on because the OP is paying. Also, he's sitting there kicking off and wanting to decide where they go and he still won't be paying, even if he gets his way.
Anyway, if the fucker is earning a third of the OP's salary it would be fair if he were to pay for a third of any holiday they want to go on but he won't because he is a cocklodger

Whatever way you look at it, it's one fucked up, unbalanced relationship and there needs to be serious discussions about the way forward.

grumpycow1 · 25/08/2023 20:18

Please go without him! You deserve to create memories with your DS in the way you want.

If he won’t compromise & makes life miserable because of it, why are you with him? He can still be a good dad even if you aren’t together. What does the relationship bring you?

Duckingella · 25/08/2023 20:21

Book and go without your cocklodger.

He must be the most expensive and annoying pot washer in history.

Did he move straight out of his mummy's house and in with you?

Acheyknees · 25/08/2023 20:23

So he gets to decide where you go on holiday but you have to organise it, book it and pay for it.

User3735 · 25/08/2023 20:27

Well, mostly I agree with you. But I am a low earner and my partner is a high earner and if he wanted to go on a big expensive holiday I wasn't sure about and he said he should get to chose because he earns more money then that wouldn't be fair. So in my opinion it depends on his reasons for not wanting to go, I personally would hate Disney, but wouldn't say no to Florida entirely, there is surely compromise to be had. Is there actually somewhere else he wants to go, ask him for suggestions, if he doesn't have any at all then he is just being an arsehole, but he might have a point.

andHelenknowsimmiserablenow · 25/08/2023 20:30

Have you considered that he may have something in his past that means he will not want to complete the visa application if you go to Florida OP? Is that a possibility?

MzHz · 25/08/2023 20:30

It’ll take 4-5 days without that joy sucker in your lives on a 24 hour basis for both you AND your son to bloom.

he can be a good dad EOW or 50/50 (but that sounds like too much work for him)

do not waste your life on this piss poor man

do not allow your ds to grow up thinking this is what a partner/husband looks like.

as the saying goes, you don’t stay for the dc, you need to LEAVE for the sake of your dc

GameOverBoys · 25/08/2023 20:32

In a normal family where both parents contribute to the household you would be unreasonable to dictate where the holiday is. It should be a family decision. But as he seems to have opted out of the family, you have no moral obligation to consult him.

Onthemaintrunkline · 25/08/2023 20:34

I can’t for the life of me understand what/how/why you are with this man.

Tigger1895 · 25/08/2023 20:43

If he doesn’t want to go, let him stay at home. He’s an adult and made his decision, you are an adult and can make your own decisions.
If he doesn’t want to discuss it, so be it and then there’s no argument.

stayathomer · 25/08/2023 20:43

What is he doing? It's not comparable at all and it's ridiculous to even say it.
But that’s not the point- the point op makes is that since she earns the money to pay for it, shouldn’t she make the decision. My point is that money shouldn’t determine who makes big decisions because then a huge majority of us are fucked !!!!!

suburbophobe · 25/08/2023 20:58

^This post is beyond tragic because you are ignoring the real issue. What is it exactly that he beings to the table? He washes the dishes, chuck him and get a dishwasher. It'll be cheaper in the long run, more reliable and you can swap it out every 10 years or so for a newer model.

Take a think about what you are both modeling to your son. He is his closest male role model, are you seriously OK with your son growing up to be like him? Are you happy to demonstrate that women should just suck it up around useless lumps?

Of course yanbu. Go on the holiday you want to go on and your son wants as well. From a very simple view it is 2:1 so he is out voted. In all seriousness I'd make a list of the positives of having him in your life and the negatives, be completely honest with yourself. It isn't easy to leave a partner but he isn't what a partner should be. A true partner raises you up they don't drag you down.^

This with bells on @Sceptre86

Honestly, OP, I've brought up my child since birth just about, his father was more than useless. He's an adult now and has no trauma about his dad not being around.

You sound lovely. And you deserve so much more than what you are putting up with.
Next year August is a year away. Take this time to think about how you really want your life and that of your son going forward. And Disney can be on the top of your list, without a useless man about who only undermines you.
You really don't want your son growing up with him as a role model.

ihadamarveloustime · 25/08/2023 21:03

Go without him. Have a great time!

fridascruffs · 25/08/2023 21:05

Go, but don't go in August. Worst time of year for Florida- 100 degrees fahrenheit and very very humid. Go at Feb half term or, at latest, Easter. Pleasant temperatures (80 degrees or so.) Worst month for hurricanes is September. But do go.

Greengagesnfennel · 25/08/2023 21:17

I think if you did this every year (picked a holiday location you knew he hated. Refused to compromise and said it's tough I earn more so i get to choose) then yabu.
HOWEVER, as this is a one off I think YANBU but maybe you could be more conciliatory and less self-righteous in your request. Eg - I know you will hate it but it's for our ds , he's only young once and it will be more special for him if we are there as a family ( you might even like it a bit. Ask - Pls do this for me and ds and we will do something u choose next year type thing). He works and so time off is still precious. If his is not a well paid job it's likely to be less enjoyable than yours. Those days holiday feel precious to give up to something you don't want to do but family is often about compromise. I think yanbu but you sound like you might be annoying in the way you are asking.

Nanaof1 · 25/08/2023 21:21

fridascruffs · 25/08/2023 21:05

Go, but don't go in August. Worst time of year for Florida- 100 degrees fahrenheit and very very humid. Go at Feb half term or, at latest, Easter. Pleasant temperatures (80 degrees or so.) Worst month for hurricanes is September. But do go.

THIS I agree with! We went in December this last time and it was very nice. A few days were pretty warm but never hot like it is from June-September. The first time we went, it was June and the humidity and heat was not my favorite experience. Plus, it is truly beautiful in Nov/Dec with the decorations, so I am a bit biased.

For those who are saying both parents should get an equal say, this is something both the OP and her DS really want to do. If he doesn't want it, that is fine but he should not get to decide that they cannot go. Not every holiday has to be "everyone". My DH and DS wanted to go to Arizona and do some rock climbing. A friend offered use of his second home there. DH and DS would have been fine and happy if I had gone but since I am not a rock climber and not fond of heat (and strange bugs), I opted out. I felt it would be a waste of airfare etc., since it wasn't something I really wanted. I was fine and happy as heck that they got the chance to go. DH would never try and make me not go somewhere I really wanted to go either. I think OP's OH is acting like a spoiled brat. He should WANT his DS to go places he wants to go while he is of age to enjoy it.

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