Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Other half preventing us from going on holiday even though I’m paying for everything

344 replies

HC1718 · 25/08/2023 14:20

This is totally a first world problem so I’m going to start by apologising for that.

AIBU to be really upset with my other half for preventing us from going on holiday with my DS(5) to Florida next year even though I will be paying for everything (literally everything!)

Our relationship has a complete imbalance as I am a high earner and his salary is fairly low. I have always paid for pretty much everything and I gave up a long time ago asking him to contribute to things for our son (I pay for all the child care, clothes, shoes, school uniform, clubs/activities, birthday/Xmas presents, birthday parties etc), the only contribution he makes is to half the food shop and a third of the mortgage, everything else (including all the bills) are paid by me. Now, I have never had an issue with this as I don’t believe that the only contribution to the family is financial. However, I’m also the one that has to organise everything, cook the dinner, make sure there is bread and milk available, deal with DS’s social life, do DSs homework with him, fix things around the house (other half has self declared he has no practical skills and refuses to even attempt these things even with a YouTube tutorial), etc. Other half goes to work, comes back, has a shower, eats dinner, washes the dishes (which he will make a massive deal about that he has done it), watches some TV and sleeps, so he has a pretty sweet deal in all of this. My biggest issue is that I take on all of the mental workload for the family.

One of the things I really need is a holiday every year. My job and home life are stressful and I need to have something to look forward to. I also want my DS to have happy holiday memories. I have approached the subject of going to Florida next August, but my other half is kicking off at even the mention of it as he has decided it is not the holiday that he wants, and he wants to decide what we do if we go anywhere. My issue is that I will be paying for literally everything (including food, drinks, attractions, car hire etc), this is somewhere that I want to go and is also where DS has been asking to go for ages (the power of the TV adverts have got to him).

AIBU for feeling that he should be more open to going on holiday and that he cannot expect to make us go on a holiday that he wants if he’s not paying for it. If I go on holiday without him, then how do I explain to DS that his Dad refused to come on holiday with us?

OP posts:
MothBat · 25/08/2023 21:32

Florida in August wouldn't be my thing either. Be careful about taking DS though as you will need DP's consent.
www.usa.gov/travel-documents-children#:~:text=Children%20traveling%20to%20the%20U.S.&text=If%20you%20travel%20or%20are,or%20signed%20by%20both%20parents.

samqueens · 25/08/2023 21:51

You might want to read Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft in private (download on kindle/Apple Books) and see if it resonates.

He’s certainly very selfish, as this isn’t even in the realm of thinking of your son’s feelings on the matter… (The money is a big issue, but may turn out not to be the fundamental here).

Also from personal experience 5 is a great age to do a Disney park, if that’s what you’re thinking of! Fully magic

MothBat · 25/08/2023 21:57

Should add that DP is completely unreasonable to veto the holiday without any discussion, explanation or alternative that you would all enjoy.

lemmein · 25/08/2023 22:32

I can't even imagine my DH daring to say its 'not up for discussion' - who the fuck does he think he is? 🤯

As he doesn't want to discuss it I wouldn't mention it anymore till you're waiting for the airport taxi to pick up you and your son.

Fuck him OP, he doesn't get to talk to you like a 5 year old cos he has a cock - something has gone very wrong in your relationship that he thinks this is a an acceptable way to behave.

AcrossthePond55 · 26/08/2023 00:35

Takoneko · 25/08/2023 19:35

I think it makes a big difference as to whether there is a compromise situation or not.
I think there’s a big difference between him wanting to dictate the holiday location entirely vs “I don’t want to go to Florida in August”. If the issue is that he doesn’t want a holiday where the temperature could be north of 35 degrees every day with intense humidity and a strong chance of hurricanes, that could be solved by going at a different time of year. If he’s black and worried about police brutality in an increasingly right wing state then perhaps they could go to California instead.

Without knowing the reason or whether OP is willing to compromise at all, how can anyone possibly judge if he’s being unreasonable.

Show quote history

No, we don't know what his objections are, but even if he's NBU to not want to go there himself for whatever his reasons are, he is BU to tell the OP that she 'can't' go whenever it is she chooses to go. If he doesn't feel the need to compromise, perhaps she doesn't either. Because TBH it sounds as if there's a LOT of imbalance in their relationship and if I were OP, I wouldn't want to compromise, either. In fact, I'd be gone.

She said it will 'cause arguments'. If he's copping a nasty attitude (or worse) that IS unreasonable no matter how reasonable his reasons are. And it IS unreasonable to point blank refuse to discuss it.

There's nothing wrong with one parent taking their mutual child somewhere the other parent doesn't want to go. My DH took our boys camping in the wilderness. My idea of roughing it is a hotel with no room service. So needless to say I didn't go. But I certainly didn't try to stop him from going with the attitude of "If I don't want to go, nobody's going!" which seems to be OP's DH's attitude (according to OP). Another time because my DH will NOT fly in a commercial airliner, I took our DC to Hawaii and he arranged to go on a backpacking trip with mates. Everybody was happy, everybody had the holiday they wanted.

Rainbowqueeen · 26/08/2023 01:16

I feel like he is actually only a decent dad because your DS is the age where he thinks dad is amazing and is happy to comply with whatever dad wants. When DS is old enough to have his own ideas and desires this will change and your OH sounds like he will not take that well.
So please reconsider your future with this guy.

As far as the trip goes, just tell DS that dad can’t go. Kids of his age are very accepting. Then go and have a great time

theGooHasGone · 26/08/2023 04:12

Honestly I voted YABU because as someone said earlier, you're being a total mug. Grow a spine and tell him he can have a say in where you go on holiday when he sacks up and pays for it. Until then, it's a lot cheaper to fly 2 people to Florida than 3!

Hibiscrubbed · 26/08/2023 05:55

”I don’t want to go to Florida and we are not discussing this any further”. I know if I go without him it will cause arguments.

Who the actual fuck does this freeloader think he is?

He’s like a second child. But considerably more unpleasant.

Batalax · 26/08/2023 09:55

If the op was dictating every holiday that wouldn’t be ok, but for this one off, children’s dream holiday, it’s perfectly ok for her to say she’ll go on her own.

fabmaccawhackyrhumbsaloft · 26/08/2023 10:01

I'd just tell him your going and is he sure he doesn't want to come, then I'd take a friend or other family member and ds and go enjoy it!

fabmaccawhackyrhumbsaloft · 26/08/2023 10:07

Oh and I certainly would stop pandering to his demands . Just say well we're going and it's not up for discussion, there's the door if you don't like it.

Chris002 · 26/08/2023 10:30

BessMarvin · 25/08/2023 19:02

Which sounds good. But he doesn't sound like he wants fo discuss anything and they aren't a team if op is doing almost everything and he's doing very little.

Show quote history

He isn't doing very little though in my opinion - if you read the update post she says that they both work full time he does a 10 hr day - she does a shorter day 7- 8 hrs so she has to do the organising of day to day life - the issue for her is the financial imbalance. She earns a much higher wage - I don't understand why so many posters on here are saying he is useless !! He does a 10 hour day everyday he pays a third of the mortgage and the weekly shop, he is a great dad. As snippy socks says marriage is a partnership. I think there is more going on here than just an argument over a holiday. Op is unhappy perhaps that her partner is not earning equal to her. There is much more to a relationship than who earns the most and she says she should call the shots over the holiday cos she's paying for it. No wonder he doesn't want to go !! I wouldn't enjoy myself if my oh was going on about how much they were paying for !!

Feverly · 26/08/2023 10:36

There is no marriage, and OP says he's a 'decent' father, which probably means fairly shit. He does nothing.

BessMarvin · 26/08/2023 11:21

Chris002 · 26/08/2023 10:30

He isn't doing very little though in my opinion - if you read the update post she says that they both work full time he does a 10 hr day - she does a shorter day 7- 8 hrs so she has to do the organising of day to day life - the issue for her is the financial imbalance. She earns a much higher wage - I don't understand why so many posters on here are saying he is useless !! He does a 10 hour day everyday he pays a third of the mortgage and the weekly shop, he is a great dad. As snippy socks says marriage is a partnership. I think there is more going on here than just an argument over a holiday. Op is unhappy perhaps that her partner is not earning equal to her. There is much more to a relationship than who earns the most and she says she should call the shots over the holiday cos she's paying for it. No wonder he doesn't want to go !! I wouldn't enjoy myself if my oh was going on about how much they were paying for !!

Show quote history

The problem is there's various issues going on.
I don't think that earning more means overriding decisions. However it's the dp who seems to be refusing to discuss it.
Also, doing all the thinking and planning and doing for a family is exhausting. If op is doing it all on top of her job and he's doing none, then that is not fair. It's like having a child has impacted his life zero, it's the same as if they hadn't had a child. Whereas for op it is not the case and they now have an enormous amount extra to deal with.
I guess ultimately they don't sound like a team.

knobkopf · 26/08/2023 12:05

BessMarvin · 26/08/2023 11:21

The problem is there's various issues going on.
I don't think that earning more means overriding decisions. However it's the dp who seems to be refusing to discuss it.
Also, doing all the thinking and planning and doing for a family is exhausting. If op is doing it all on top of her job and he's doing none, then that is not fair. It's like having a child has impacted his life zero, it's the same as if they hadn't had a child. Whereas for op it is not the case and they now have an enormous amount extra to deal with.
I guess ultimately they don't sound like a team.

Show quote history

Exactly. OP says Other half goes to work, comes back, has a shower, eats dinner, washes the dishes (which he will make a massive deal about that he has done it), watches some TV and sleeps, so he has a pretty sweet deal in all of this
He does not do his fair share in the home, even taking into account the fact he is working longer hours.
But you're pissing into the wind trying to respond to that poster because they keep popping up posting exactly the same stuff, conveniently ignoring quite a lot of the things the OP says about her OH and obsessing about the financial aspect.

billy1966 · 26/08/2023 12:09

HC1718 · 25/08/2023 16:57

I know a lot of people are saying I should leave him, and I have thought about that many a time, but at the end of the day he a fairly decent Dad and my DS would be devastated if he were not around. I certainly could have done a lot worse in the baby daddy sense.

Also regarding the get a dishwasher comments, I should clarify that I did get a dishwasher to make it easier for him and he only has to load/unload it and wash the few hand wash items, LOL. He does mow the lawn and change the light bulbs as well!

When this issue has come up in the past, I have made it clear that I am happy to alternate holidays as I get he wants to go some different places, but his position is that he doesn’t want to go and it’s not even up for discussion (and he is certainly not willing to consider want DS might want to do). It’s a firm “I don’t want to go to Florida and we are not discussing this any further”. I know if I go without him it will cause arguments.

And just to clarify we both work full time, but he does longer work days (9-10hrs versus my 7-8hrs)

So he's a bully to boot.

Awful example for your child.

You sound afraid of him and his anger?

So he is abusive.

Call Womens aid for a chat.

Bettelucksecondtimearoundimherewaitingforu · 26/08/2023 12:13

HC1718 · 25/08/2023 14:20

This is totally a first world problem so I’m going to start by apologising for that.

AIBU to be really upset with my other half for preventing us from going on holiday with my DS(5) to Florida next year even though I will be paying for everything (literally everything!)

Our relationship has a complete imbalance as I am a high earner and his salary is fairly low. I have always paid for pretty much everything and I gave up a long time ago asking him to contribute to things for our son (I pay for all the child care, clothes, shoes, school uniform, clubs/activities, birthday/Xmas presents, birthday parties etc), the only contribution he makes is to half the food shop and a third of the mortgage, everything else (including all the bills) are paid by me. Now, I have never had an issue with this as I don’t believe that the only contribution to the family is financial. However, I’m also the one that has to organise everything, cook the dinner, make sure there is bread and milk available, deal with DS’s social life, do DSs homework with him, fix things around the house (other half has self declared he has no practical skills and refuses to even attempt these things even with a YouTube tutorial), etc. Other half goes to work, comes back, has a shower, eats dinner, washes the dishes (which he will make a massive deal about that he has done it), watches some TV and sleeps, so he has a pretty sweet deal in all of this. My biggest issue is that I take on all of the mental workload for the family.

One of the things I really need is a holiday every year. My job and home life are stressful and I need to have something to look forward to. I also want my DS to have happy holiday memories. I have approached the subject of going to Florida next August, but my other half is kicking off at even the mention of it as he has decided it is not the holiday that he wants, and he wants to decide what we do if we go anywhere. My issue is that I will be paying for literally everything (including food, drinks, attractions, car hire etc), this is somewhere that I want to go and is also where DS has been asking to go for ages (the power of the TV adverts have got to him).

AIBU for feeling that he should be more open to going on holiday and that he cannot expect to make us go on a holiday that he wants if he’s not paying for it. If I go on holiday without him, then how do I explain to DS that his Dad refused to come on holiday with us?

Hello OP, I made my username just for you. Oh, the joy!

Please please, when you are ready to change the slave master, I am here, free, just waiting for you and please pick me next. Why not?!

Everything will continue as it is (yep, you my DOH paying for everything just as it is), and I will even 'wash the dishes (which I will do without a word of grumpiness- oh your new joy!) and of course you are free to take us on any holiday to anywhere even to the moon or into space and I will not 'prevent' you.

Seriously, why enslave yourself to this hero? Are you stuck? And yes, many women in relationships like this, so many of them it is actually sad. He doesn't even respect you and your son (clearly not 'his' son).

You, darling slave, don't get any sympathy from me. Nada!

ScottishIceCream · 26/08/2023 13:31

I should clarify that I did get a dishwasher to make it easier for him and he only has to load/unload it and wash the few hand wash items, LOL. He does mow the lawn and change the light bulbs as well!

Well in that case he's a keeper for sure.

🙄

ScottishIceCream · 26/08/2023 13:35

at the end of the day he a fairly decent Dad

and

he is certainly not willing to consider want DS might want to do.

A fairly decent dad you say?

TheWayoftheLeaf · 26/08/2023 13:36

If he's not paying why does he think he gets to decide?

Book for you and your son and if he kicks off say he's welcome to pay to join you. He sounds pathetic tbh.

PuzzledObserver · 26/08/2023 13:39

Disneyland would be my idea of hell, to be fair. BUT if I was parent to a young child whose dream it was to go, and we as a family could afford it, then of course I would go with them and throw myself into it - and get pleasure out of THEIR enjoyment.

The same as the soft play, the school panto and all those other things that parents do with their children which they wouldn’t choose to do otherwise.

Codlingmoths · 26/08/2023 13:47

oh Christ BOOK THE HOLIDAY think of it as an essential parenting activity as if you keep acceding to this selfish lazy losers wishes, what will your child learn? Who will teach them that just because they love their dad and he likes them at least a little bit even if not enough to make any effort to care for them, that that means they should go along with whatever makes useless fucker dad happy? That’s your job. Bringing up a healthy child and giving them the best chance of being happy. And to do that you need to teach them it’s ok to say fuck off you useless joy killing wanker, giving our child an amazing holiday is more important to me than being controlled by your toddler moods is. Do it. One day your child will need to be able to say that to their dad so their partner doesn’t leave them, so they can do the right thing by their own child. Show them by example that doing the right thing by those you love is more important than pandering to their dad. Give your child teh best chance you can of them being happy as an adult.
please come back and tell us you booked it for the two of you and told your partner you can see he’s mad, would he like to pack a bag and leave? If he scares you, call the police.

TheWayoftheLeaf · 26/08/2023 13:50

Also you say it will cause arguements... so?

Have the argument. State your case, remind him he's not shelling out a penny and that he doesn't have to come with you.

How is he getting veto when he doesn't pay OR handle the home? He sounds useless and like a shit partner.

AwkwardAnnie · 26/08/2023 18:32

Definitely go without him. I promise it will be the best thing you do.

He sounds similar to my husband in many ways. A few years ago we'd planned to go camping for my birthday but his mental health was really bad. Eventually after talking to him I decided I'd just take the kids and go anyway and leave him at home. The kids were 2 and 7 and eldest was just about able to help me pitch the tent.
It was brilliant! I had 4 days of doing exactly what I wanted to do on holiday, which is usually anything that will make the kids happy and not having to pander to husband's foibles.
Husband also hates hot weather so the following year I decided I was taking the kids abroad.

Now we generally alternate each year between a UK family holiday and a foreign on with just the kids and I, but I'll try to afford a camping holiday or glamping pod with just the kids because it's only on those that I genuinely get to relax.

Angrywife · 26/08/2023 18:42

"Hey dh, I'm booking Florida for me and ds in May next year, shall I book for you too? No? Ok, I'll tell ds you have to work"

He shouldn't be dictating what you do and there's little point trying to reason with him so just crack on