AIBU? Other half preventing us from going on holiday even though I’m paying for everything

[HC1718]

This is totally a first world problem so I’m going to start by apologising for that.

AIBU to be really upset with my other half for preventing us from going on holiday with my DS(5) to Florida next year even though I will be paying for everything (literally everything!)

Our relationship has a complete imbalance as I am a high earner and his salary is fairly low. I have always paid for pretty much everything and I gave up a long time ago asking him to contribute to things for our son (I pay for all the child care, clothes, shoes, school uniform, clubs/activities, birthday/Xmas presents, birthday parties etc), the only contribution he makes is to half the food shop and a third of the mortgage, everything else (including all the bills) are paid by me. Now, I have never had an issue with this as I don’t believe that the only contribution to the family is financial. However, I’m also the one that has to organise everything, cook the dinner, make sure there is bread and milk available, deal with DS’s social life, do DSs homework with him, fix things around the house (other half has self declared he has no practical skills and refuses to even attempt these things even with a YouTube tutorial), etc. Other half goes to work, comes back, has a shower, eats dinner, washes the dishes (which he will make a massive deal about that he has done it), watches some TV and sleeps, so he has a pretty sweet deal in all of this. My biggest issue is that I take on all of the mental workload for the family.

One of the things I really need is a holiday every year. My job and home life are stressful and I need to have something to look forward to. I also want my DS to have happy holiday memories. I have approached the subject of going to Florida next August, but my other half is kicking off at even the mention of it as he has decided it is not the holiday that he wants, and he wants to decide what we do if we go anywhere. My issue is that I will be paying for literally everything (including food, drinks, attractions, car hire etc), this is somewhere that I want to go and is also where DS has been asking to go for ages (the power of the TV adverts have got to him).

AIBU for feeling that he should be more open to going on holiday and that he cannot expect to make us go on a holiday that he wants if he’s not paying for it. If I go on holiday without him, then how do I explain to DS that his Dad refused to come on holiday with us?

Tell him you're going. He's welcome to go too but if he doesn't thats his choice & you & your son will be going regardless

Despite what you say he doesn’t sound like a decent dad, decent dads get involved and it sounds like you do everything. Yes your little one would be upset if you split up but they do get over it, he will always be his daddy after all.
when you say you could have done worse, how? As he sounds pretty bad. Good luck to you x

Why have you enabled him to be lazy? You both work full time, chores need to be split down the middle. And you both have a say on holidays. If you really want to go he should support that. Your standards and expectations are way too low. Yes he's a good dad but he also needs to be a good husband.

I know i am in the minority however I am still going to post.... I hear what you say as my situation is exactly like yours except I have 2 boys. Imagine this post written by a man. There would be a huge outcry that the man is not considering his wife's opinion. I would explore all holiday options and find a compromise. There are many holiday destinations that could please everyone. As much as your child wants to go to Florida, there many other places he will find exciting. I wouldn't ride rough over your husband's wishes let alone go without him

This really. Have been there and got the t-shirt.
This situation just drains you totally and is so not worth it.🙄

Your dh can have the holiday he wants as long as he pays for it and you and your little one can have the holiday you deserve and make memories without a misery dragging behind you spoiling it. Have fun !!

Sorry if this sounds insensitive but if he doesn’t want to go, I volunteer as tribute!

I would also go without him. Definitely a c**k lodger.

This

I think you are being completely reasonable but I wouldn’t go this year as on your own will be too much work with a 5-year-old and they won’t get as much out of it or even remember a lot at that age.

Plan to go at 7/8 years old - you’ll be able to manage much more easily with the long flight and the whole park experience on your own with your DC.

Tell your other half that you are going in 2025 with or without him. Let him pick 2024.

I am sorry, but he is not a good dad. Here is there, which can be better than not there, but he is a fun dad, not a good dad. There is a difference. He is attempting to exert control over you because you earn so much more and do more in the home and he knows it. Now, a normal person would do more around the house to make themselves feel better, but men have had it drilled into them that housework and unpaid work is not valid. So, a lot of men take this to heart and think that it is not valid work for them to do. He needs to get off his ass and do more.
Now, to the vacation. Neither of you should be unilaterally deciding where to go on vacation. I get that you feel like you pay the majority of the bills and do everything else, so have the majority vote, but he should get a vote. I don't disagree with you, but I think you both should have a talk about why he is against Florida. Is it the heat? The population density? doesn't like the beach, etc.
Also, just because you go on vacation together doesn't mean you have to hang together. You already know that you are going to be responsible for the DC, so if all he wants to do is laze around the hotel, then let him. go do you without him.
I am with everyone else who says to leave him, but since you don't seem to want to, my other advice is to treat him like a crappy ex who just happens to live with you. Because that is what he is acting like. He is trying to live like a single person who just happens to live off of his ex. You are the only one in this marriage, he has already checked out. You can either try and kick him in the ass and get him to wake up, leave him, or deal with it.

Go and have the time of your lives with your son. I can see manchild taking it as an opportunity for a lads holiday and hopefully that will be the kick you need to leave him. Or even better it's the kick he needs to sort himself out.

Are you sure he doesn’t have a conviction he doesn’t want you to find out about, I mean he wouldn’t get into America if he does and you would find out why when you apply for entry on holiday?

Hoping the only reason @HC1718/OP (sorry, don't know how to link the 2 so OP will see them) hasn't been back is because she is getting her ducks in a row, and not because she's thought of 1,000 ways to excuse her son's poor example for a dad...

Florida? so we're talking about Disney?

I have a certain sympathy with him. I have a strong aversion to such places. I wouldn't want to go in the same way I wouldn't want to go to a sports match, a Heavy Metal festival or a religious convention. And I find it distasteful to watch people undergoing a reverse money transfusion. even if it isn't my money.

Tell him you’re going and he’s very welcome to come if he can embrace the Florida theme park holiday thing and make some magic for your boy. Or if he really doesn’t fancy it then he doesn’t have to come. You can have another holiday if his choice which he can contribute towards.
do you have a mother or duster to go with you?!if not, just go with your boy and have a wonderful time.

So what if it causes an argument?
Have the argument.
You are going to buy your son the holiday of his dreams whilst he is young enough for it to be magical.
You are paying for it all and nobody is forcing DH to go with you.
he’s not worried about refusing in case it causes an argument is he?
You want this, you’ve earned it, your son wants it and DH can sulk if he pleases.

This is a good idea.

I have a weekend husband spend a few hours together sat and Sunday.. he’s not keen on holidays. His step son mentioned going away and he said yes and paid £3k. With a week to go he decided dosent want to go. Had too much to do at his property..I’m fuming and wanna end it with him..am I being unreasonable

I was in a relationship like this and after 2 years of marriage I left .
I was literarily doing everything , bills , taking care of our child , etc
he set up a so-called investment business and would go to work by the time he gets back he is so tired and I used to feel really sorry .
at the beginning I thought since it's a start up business I should be patient
I thought I could cope with him not contributing financially but he did not even contribute in any other way .
the stress was too much on me my mouth began to twitch .
I am better off single and I don't miss him a bit . Very arrogant human being too .

OP it seems you are worried that if you leave him then he will abandon your son even more. He isn't really parenting now and without being in the house together and living off you he certainly won't make the effort to parent his son.
You don't want your son to grow up with an absent father (even though at the.moment he is an absent present one) and hence you're putting up with this crap.
If he is always moody about you having holidays (bcos he can't bear that you can enjoy the fruits of your labour) , you need to mentally change your mindset and just see him as a charity case that you are helping out for the sake of your son. Go on holidays with your son..with your friends. He will suck it up because he doesn't have a choice. He has it too cushy to break up the relationship. So you just live your life and imagine him to be invisible. Don't have any expectations of him.
Hopefully your son will benefit from the huge sacrifice you are making. X x

Isn't it usual for the person doing fewer hours paid work to do more family admin? OP's husband is doing 2 hours more paid work, 5 days a week, it's just that his job appears to be very badly paid in comparison with OP's. Sounds like OP is disappointed with her husband's rate of pay, but is embarrassed to admit that to herself, because it's not something we're supposed to care about in a romantic partner. Else why focus on his lower earnings rather than her shorter hours when discussing mental load?

Your first consideration is your son. Take him away by yourself and let your unreasonable OH look after himself. This seems a very one-sided relationship and there are worse things than not having a partner. I always say that a bad relationship is like toothache - it hurts when you have the tooth taken out, but then the pain goes away

FIRSTLY, SO SORRY FO THE CAPS, MY EYESIGHT IS NOT GOOD TONIGHT. I DO BELIEVE YOUR PROBLEM IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH A HOLIDAY. IMO, HE HAS FEELINGS ABOUT EARNING LESS THAN YOURSELF, AND INARDVENTLY YOU ARE AGGRAVATING THIS. I ASSUME YOU LOVED HIM REGARDLESS, WHEN YOU JOINED WITH HIM, AND WHEN YOU HAD YOUR SON? IMO, YOU NEED TO IDENTIFY WHAT HAS CHANGED. IN A GOOD RELATIONSHIP, FINANCIAL DIFFERENCES HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING. WHAT REALLY MATTERS, IS YOUR WRITTEN OR UNWRITTEN CONTACT WITH EACH OTHER. IMO, YOU SOUND ON TOP OF YOUR GAME, AND FORGETTING YOUR BEGINNING. AND REALLY, WHEN DOES A FIVE YEAR OLD GET TO DICTATE WHERE HERE GOES ON HOLIDAY. ENTITTLED MUCH? MMM! IMO, YOU NEED RELATIONSHIP COUNCELLING.

"Now, I have never had an issue with this as I don’t believe that the only contribution to the family is financial."

Are you sure about that? Because you sound pretty bitter about it, and that statement's not really compatible with thinking only you should have the say about where the family goes on holiday because you're playing for it.

If he's not keen and it's important to you, why not just head off with your son?