Treating grandkids differently in Will

[GloriaVictoria]

Need to rewrite my Will following a recent bereavement.

For various reasons I would prefer to leave most of my money to my grandkids rather than my 2 sons. DSs are both in their 50s and my thinking is that the money could be put to better use in giving 20-somethings a helping hand. DSs will get something but not massive amounts.

My first problem is that one DGS has learning difficulties and behavioural problems and is living in supported accommodation. He does not work and will probably never be able to live independently. Any money would need to be under the control of a trustee, adding a level of complication, and with no real guarantee that the money would be used wisely. (A holiday would be fine but I object to paying for his carers to accompany him.) Yet it doesn't seem fair to exclude him completely when his sister stands to inherit a nice chunk. Does it seem reasonable to leave him a token amount, say £1000?

Secondly, what do you think about not leaving anything at all to a DGS who doesn't seem to want a relationship, to the point of not being invited to his wedding and christenings? We haven't had a falling out (that I'm aware of) just that we have never been close. Lives 40 miles away so I wasn't around when he was younger so we never really got to know each other. Is it spiteful and selfish to exclude him? Sounds like emotional blackmail doesn't it, keep in touch if you want to get anything when I'm gone.

Please be gentle.

I think the posters saying how can you be so cruel to you disabled grandson are deliberately misunderstanding.

What I assume you mean is if you leave him a chunk of money, he will continue to get the same level of support as he does now, but the inheritance will be paying instead of social services.

I kind of understand that point, assuming you aren't a multi multi millionaire. But could you not but some informally in trust to his parents and sister to make sure he gets some pleasure?

Unless you’re going to die imminently why not take a few months to spend time with all 3 dgc and find out what they really need most. And then either write your will accordingly or give them some help now if your able.
Perhaps you could take your dgs with special needs on holiday and see how simple it is caring for him and congratulate yourself on not paying for a carer to help?

No she knows what she’s saying.

OP, if you want to be remembered badly by your family by all means leave differing amounts to different grand children/your children. Your grandchild with learning difficulties has already drawn the short straw, I'm not too sure how you can justify emphasising that by giving them less inheritance than their sister.

TBH when I first started reading your post I thought you were going to say you wanted to leave everything to your GC with learning difficulties as they already have it tough - which I could understand.

If you aren't out to purposely cause upset and want to be remembered fondly then it is better to share it equally in my opinion.

Indeed, glad it's not only me who questions the assumption that people with wealth have ' earned ' it.

You know, up until recently like most people here I would’ve said don’t treat people unfairly.

But I’m currently dealing with my Granny’s estate
And that’s changed my opinion massively.

Firstly, in regards to your grandchild with SEN.
if he doesn’t work I’m assuming he is in receipt of benefits. In which case, any amount you leave him will impact his entitlements if over 6k
So keeping it lower won’t only prevent it being wasted, but long terms it will make things a lot simpler for him.

i explained the same to my gran as I am disabled and don’t work, but she chose to split her estate in percentages and while I stand to inherit 8k which is incredible, I will lose £1100 a month in income, so my inheritance will be spend on bills which isn’t what she would’ve wanted.

In regards to treating people fairly
You know your family, and your relationships with them. We don’t.

Do you care about potentially causing a family fall out? If you do leave equal amounts and leave the remainder to someone else or a charity

if you aren’t bothered what happens once you’re gone, do it whatever way you prefer

2 of my cousins and one of my sisters were excluded from my granny’s Will because they made zero effort to have a relationship with her, it didn’t go down well
but at the end of the day,they’ve only theirselves to blame for not being more involved in her life.

It sounds spiteful.

Hard to say without knowing why you are so against splitting it equally between your DS and maybe leaving a token amount to your three GC.

How much effort have you put into having a relationship with your GC who lives 40 miles away? Those ties are made in childhood and continued interest and support into adulthood. It really isn't the GC fault if you were a sit back and wait for everyone to come and visit you GP, and the parents took that as a lack of interest. You haven't said though? Sounds like they've already lost out on a loving relationship with a grandparent?

I think there needs to be a letter of wishes alongside your will if you are intent on doing this, to try and explain your reasons.

I'm sure someone else will have said something similar but I've not got time to read the thread, but I wanted to explain something about carers on holiday as not just a carer, but also the parent of a special needs child.

Taking a service user on holiday is absolutely shite, even if you adore your client.
You have to be on hyper alert, you don't know how the changes in environment will affect your client.
You don't know the local area, you're also unable to relax at all, imagine if something happens and you have to attend a local hospital?
What if your client acts out and you've no back up from other staff?
What if they abscond/drink too much/get food poisoning?
What if something gets stolen, and the carer is immediately suspected?

Going on holiday as paid staff also means you're not paid an hourly rate, it's usually 10 hours a day and a sleep in rate.

You miss your family. Your home, pets, friends, you get absolutely no break.
Dependant on your service users needs, you may struggle to even use the bathroom for a week.

It's actually a really crap part of the job but carers do it because they want their service user to enjoy their lives and have meaningful experiences, they'd get more money just doing overtime to what they'd get on holiday.

To begrudge paying for them really isn't showering you in glory.

Bare minimum not only should all travel and transport be paid, also 3 meals a day.
Carers are usually working on NMW, they shouldn't be out of pocket when giving their time away from their families to be in a stressful environment or begrudged anything.

When my own DC will be wanting to have independent holidays with his carers, I'd be happy to pay for an additional carer to ensure that the staff are all given a day to enjoy some holiday each at least and take decent breaks throughout the day.

I find your attitude towards your DGSs carers extremely disrespectful.

I would leave it equally to your DC and trust them to help their own DC with it as they see fit.
I'm not a fan of bypassing adult DC in a will without very good reason.
I'm also not a fan of 'rewarding' family members financially depending on the amount of time they gave you. Unsavoury.

You should give it to your sons.

Disinheriting them is a big thing.

They will be devastated if the first they hear of it is at your funeral.

Even if you ask your sons and they agree to be disinherited, they may well be upset. They may not be in need but extra money may make life easier for them and they will have been expecting it. You will have deprived them of the joy of giving it to DGS themselves.

I agree too.
I think bypassing your sons seems hurtful, they will surely then pass money on to their children in their turn ?

I don't understand why people think it's unfair if you don't want to split it evenly. It's so entitled to expect money from someone, especially someone you don't have anything to do with, just because you're related. Leave it to who you want. If they get upset, it says more about them.

You can’t see why not leaving an equal share to her disabled grandson because it might get used for things like carers accompanying him would be upsetting? Really?

Just leave exactly what you want to whom you want. It is your money, and your right to decide what to do with it. As a side note, I would not be inclined to leave anything to someone I have no relationship with. And I would not want a legacy from someone I have no relationship with, either.

It is your money so it is, ultimately, up to you what you do with it and who you want to leave it to.

However, I'd think long and hard about what legacy I'd be leaving behind. If you do it as you're intending, you are going to leave potentially a family rift and people aren't going to look back at you fondly for doing so.

If it were me, I'd split it equally. If anything, I may make a slightly higher provision for the grandson with additional needs as his need is greater and probably explain to DSs why I'd made that decision so it could be explained to GC.

But to leave it all, pretty much, to one GC whilst leaving the GC out essentially is an awful, mean thing to do. It's mean to the GC that you'll be leaving out but also mean to your GD-imagine the kind of rift you may cause for her by being the "favoured" one?

I've always been of the mindset that wills are entirely up to the person making them, but that doesn't mean that they shouldn't put consideration into whether it is fair, reasonable and what kind of impact it will have on the family afterwards.

Far better to leave it all to charity of your choosing than to do it the way you've suggested.

As for the GS you don't see-why are you putting that on him? You admitted yourself that you didn't see him much when he was younger so why do you expect him, now he is an adult, to put in the effort with you that you failed to when he was a child?

Assuming you have 3 grandchildren to leave one nothing, one a token amount and the favourite to inherit the majority of your estate is cruel.

You don't have a relationship with your grandchildren because either/both you and the parents didn't build that the relationship. It's not the child's fault. Nor should it be surprising they haven't sought a relationship as an adult as the relationship wasn't offered when they were a child. Treating your disabled child differently is despicable. Leave the trust in the hands of someone you trust to follow your wishes.

I would do one of the following-

Leave grandkids nothing
Leave grandkids a set amount ie £1000 each

Split it equally between your grandkids

Similar happened in my family with one grandchild being left money and not the other. Again there was a reason that only one of the two grandchildren was left money and it was explained to both why but that didn’t stop one feeling hard done by.

Grandchildren were cousins

I thought the same...my parents are 35 miles from me and have always been involved in my children's lives. It's an hour drive away...is there more of a back story OP?

Leave most of it to the sons and an equal smaller amount to the grand children, 1000 each or along those lines.
Anything else will damage relationships after you've died. If you really don't care then just leave the whole lot to charity, that way at least it's fair.
The only reason to bypass your own children would be if they are serving a long prison sentence, are millionaires, are drug addicts, or possibly if there are second marriages that could end in grandchildren losing out to step grandchildren
If you do what you're proposing in the absence of a good reason, they will all think badly of you - is that what you want?

My view is that if an adult doesn't have the kindness or thought to invite a grandparent to a wedding or to the christening of his baby , if he or she can't be bothered to call and see how granny is doing (even if she's a bit boring or has outdated views), if that adult is so busy they will always prioritise their own circle rather than do something that would make an elderly family member happy then that is their CHOICE.

It also follows that if an adult wants to leave their money to someone they love and have a good relationship with rather than someone they barely know - then that is their choice.

In my opinion, the disabled gs needs MORE money than the others as he will never be able to earn a living, and good care is expensive. Having carers able to take him on holiday may be one example of the sort of thing that could make a huge difference to his life.

But the simplest thing may be just to leave the money equally to your sons. It would likely benefit your grandsons as well as your sons. The father of the disabled young man may well choose to use some of the money to help with care costs; in the case of both sons, extra money for the 'Bank of Mum and Dad' may be very useful for the grandsons. And you would not be placing yourself in the position of choosing between grandchildren, and quite possibly creating or adding to family tensions. So, unless you have reasons not to trust your sons, this looks like the best solution,

Where pps have said that money for the gs with additional needs will be used to pay for care/instead of benefits, this isn’t the case if it is put into trust.

So you have 2 children and 3 grandchildren and effectively you want to disinherit all except the 1 grandchild who's presumably your favourite, make of that what you will 🤷‍♀️ just own it and stop trying to dress it up!

The child in supported accommodation will not benefit at all if you leave the money to him as it will be taken by the state to pay for what he is already getting. So no point.

Your money so leave as you like. Generous of you to think of this.

Personally, I would leave it equally to your sons and your grandchildren.

The child/adult with additional needs will be able to have a great holiday, or two - and pay for people to accompany him and help make it possible for him to attend, your grandchild who you see less often would know that you do care about them etc.

If you prefer give it to your children who can then pass it on to their children in time - however, that will not be for a long time so you will not be making the big difference you could in the nearer future.