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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Treating grandkids differently in Will

454 replies

GloriaVictoria · 25/08/2023 14:17

Need to rewrite my Will following a recent bereavement.

For various reasons I would prefer to leave most of my money to my grandkids rather than my 2 sons. DSs are both in their 50s and my thinking is that the money could be put to better use in giving 20-somethings a helping hand. DSs will get something but not massive amounts.

My first problem is that one DGS has learning difficulties and behavioural problems and is living in supported accommodation. He does not work and will probably never be able to live independently. Any money would need to be under the control of a trustee, adding a level of complication, and with no real guarantee that the money would be used wisely. (A holiday would be fine but I object to paying for his carers to accompany him.) Yet it doesn't seem fair to exclude him completely when his sister stands to inherit a nice chunk. Does it seem reasonable to leave him a token amount, say £1000?

Secondly, what do you think about not leaving anything at all to a DGS who doesn't seem to want a relationship, to the point of not being invited to his wedding and christenings? We haven't had a falling out (that I'm aware of) just that we have never been close. Lives 40 miles away so I wasn't around when he was younger so we never really got to know each other. Is it spiteful and selfish to exclude him? Sounds like emotional blackmail doesn't it, keep in touch if you want to get anything when I'm gone.

Please be gentle.

OP posts:
Muu · 25/08/2023 17:18

I think it’s best to treat them equally if you can.

LoveStHelier · 25/08/2023 17:19

You may have your reasons. You may think you are being fair. You’re not.

my gran did this and left 3 GC different amounts. One got x, one y (less than x) and one got nothing.

to this day the intention was to cause trouble between us we think. We have nothing nice to say about her after it. I say that as person who got x (the most!) and offered to share it all with the others evenly afterwards.

TheWayoftheLeaf · 25/08/2023 17:19

40 miles is nothing... I live 350miles from my nephew and I see his 5-7 times a year.

Summerwashout · 25/08/2023 17:19

You have to be careful re disabled gs going over benefit limit.
Also trust money could make him vulnerable.

However wouldn't his parent go onto holiday with him?
Would you like him to be able tp go into holiday or buy something to make life more comfortable?

Re dgs you are not close too I would leave same amounts.
They are still your legacy whether you know or likes the or the not and your legacy should help their children and so on?

I would try and be as fair as you can.

ChrisPPancake · 25/08/2023 17:19

Saschka · 25/08/2023 16:59

Leaving money to the grandchild on supported living may affect his entitlement to benefits, so from that perspective YANBU - he could end up worse off, or just have the money used up to pay for care which was covered before, with no “extra” benefit from your inheritance.

The rest of it is totally unreasonable though. If you just want to leave it all to your favourite granddaughter and cut your grandsons (and sons) out of your will, own it.

Personally I’d just split it between your sons. I assume you get on ok with both of them?

I assume you get on ok with both of them?

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that as @GloriaVictoria has no relationship with a gc because they live a whole 40 miles away your assumption may not be quite correct 🤔

User5653218 · 25/08/2023 17:20

Looking at it differently you could say

Dgd has a good life, is likely to find a job, earn money, get married.

Dgs likely will never be able to earn for himself, will need good quality care all his life.

Surely dgs needs more?

I don't have a view on why your other dgs doesn't keep in touch. You know the truth of that one deep down.

We've just re-written wills so I've thought about this sort of thing a lot.

I'd leave a smaller amount to dgs who doesn't keep in touch. How much depends on how much you feel he's just not bothered and how much so.wthing else was keeping him apart.

I'd leave the rest equally between the other two. It could make a real difference to the care dgs can access and it could set dgd up with security for life.

(And stop this nonsense about not paying for carers to go on holiday. Have you ever taken him on holiday? Have you any idea how hard it is?)

Pigeon31 · 25/08/2023 17:23

I don't understand why you would object to paying for carers to accompany a GS with LD on holiday. You can't seriously think they get paid enough to pay for a nice holiday out of their own money (plus it's not a holiday for them because they're working) so the alternative is GS doesn't get to go.

Bellyblueboy · 25/08/2023 17:24

MarshmaIIow · 25/08/2023 14:29

It is not the fault of the grandchild you don't see that you aren't close to them. Please be fair and split it with them equally.

Whose fault is it them.

he is an adult and didn’t invite OP to his wedding

DaggerIsle · 25/08/2023 17:29

Winter2020 · 25/08/2023 15:29

I have a child with autism that is largely non verbal and if his grandparents left their money between the other grandchildren leaving him out or leaving him a "token" amount I would be devastated/raging.

The first thing I would do would be even things up. Using my own will if I could not afford to even things up before. Yes money might be better left in some sort of trust but leaving him out because they can't be bothered is unforgivable.

We are in the same situation and my father has already told us he would leave more to his SN grandchild who will need assistance for life.

VickyEadieofThigh · 25/08/2023 17:29

Bellyblueboy · 25/08/2023 17:24

Whose fault is it them.

he is an adult and didn’t invite OP to his wedding

Show quote history

Apparently, his grandparent(s) didn't form a relationship with him when he was growing up, despite living only 40 miles from it. I'm saying it's the grandparent(s) fault.

I speak as someone who didn't see my paternal grandfather (grandmother was dead before I was born) from one year to the next, as he was more interested in going down the pub.

I'm with those saying split your estate equally between your sons. I say this especially because I know from friends whose parents bypassed them and left their estates to their grandkids that it pissed them right off.

DosCervezas · 25/08/2023 17:30

Yes you are being unreasonable on several fronts. I'm a believer in sharing estate equally between children , then they can choose how to divide between theirs/ your grandkids,( if at all )
I never had or expected an inheritance from my grandparents and I am told my parents will not be including grandchildren. We ( meand my siblings) are all happy with this arrangement. Your system sounds like a complete mess and your sons are going to be quite upset I would think!

RudsyFarmer · 25/08/2023 17:30

Spirallingdownwards · 25/08/2023 14:21

I suggest you leave it to who you want to whether it excluded people or not. My main advice is to not tell anyone the contents of your Will while you are alive though. Set out in a side letter which the solicitor can help you prepare which sets out why you aren't leaving anything to some people if you think it may help those left behind come to terms with being left out if they know the reasons.

The problem with this is you are potentially blowing up family relationships after you’ve died. If I was one of three grandchildren and find out one of my cousins inherited my grandmothers estate minus £1000 o would never feel the same about that side of the family again. It would be instantly fractured.

if you are keen for just one grandchild to inherit then I’d probably set it up so the inheritance was released to them later in life. I’ve set up my will that my kids won’t inherit until they age thirty. By then I think they’d be far more set up in their life and won’t squander it.

DisforDarkChocolate · 25/08/2023 17:31

I can't get over your resentment of paying for a carer, WTF!

I'd turn down your money.

GodspeedJune · 25/08/2023 17:37

Guessing the OP won’t be back to the thread but as someone who had a family member with full time carers I’m shocked you’d begrudge giving your GS a holiday. The carers are there to facilitate his holiday and trust me, 24 hour care is no walk in the park.

That same grandchild presumably won’t have the ability to work and earn to improve their quality of life, so whatever you bequeath could really improve his circumstances. Horrid that you want to leave a token £1000.

VWT5 · 25/08/2023 17:47

OP, I will just put this here, as my mind keeps coming back to it….

My husband lived all of his adult life, accepting and knowing that he must have been disliked by his grandfather who was housed under the same roof.
The grandfather left equal generous amounts to two other siblings, but left just £1 to my husband, the third sibling.

The repercussions and unanswered questions last long after you have gone.

NamelessNancy · 25/08/2023 17:51

KittyKingdom · 25/08/2023 16:48

I think you should leave the money to whomever you want. You earned it you shouldn’t be made to feel bad because you have an opinion on where you want it to go. It’s just the same as if you wanted to spend it all on a holiday or Lamborghini. I would say though that the opinion and treatment of you by your grandchildren will have been instilled in them through their formative years by their parents so maybe there may still be a chance of reconciliation with the boy. I’m sorry you weren’t invited to the wedding that is really bad and hard to recover from but with the assumption that he’s married so no longer lives with his parents there is space to show him who you actually are.

Given that the op is doing this "following a bereavement" I don't know why you're so confident she has earned the money she's now planning to divide as she sees fit. Sounds likely to me OP has inherited money and is now trying to work out how unfairly she can split it for later generations.

VanGoghsDog · 25/08/2023 17:51

I'm not going to be gentle, you sound horrible and judgemental. I can't imagine why you have such a poor relationship with a GC who lives merely forty miles away.

Honestly, sew it into your shroud and take it with you rather than "making a point" after your death.

Mistymountain · 25/08/2023 17:51

I'd avoid all this type of thinking and follow custom and just leave it to mys son's. £1000 each to all the grandchildren.

babyproblems · 25/08/2023 17:51

Honestly I thought your post was going to be about leaving more to your grand child with additional needs - not less!!!
I find that very heartless. I think you need to give them equal amounts, end of. They’ll remember you very badly if you do otherwise. Also put some work in to become closer to the estranged one- I agree with a pp who said it’s up to you to do the work required. Equal amounts is the only way forward if you want to be remembered well by anyone tbh.

SgtPercyTwentyman · 25/08/2023 17:54

It is your money and your Will. Do as you please. Leave it all to one DGC or split it anyway you like. You have complete feeedom of action. I have seen enough wills in my time (retired IFA) to know that unequal splits are more common than not.

whatevss · 25/08/2023 18:03

If you don't mind everyone thinking you're a shithouse once you're gone, crack on. If you want people to think well of you, share it equally.

triballeader · 25/08/2023 18:03

Leaving money to a child or grandchild with vulnerabilities can be fraught. I can only recommend seeking some very serious specialised legal advice from someone qualified to provide it.
I went with a legal500 group that offered specialised private client services and set up a family trust under a group of trustees to protect the interests of said with vulnerabilities. Not perhaps the cheapest option but legally robust.

IWantOutDoI · 25/08/2023 18:06

Leave it all to the member of the family who is taking you to the doctor, doing your shopping and changing your nappies in due course.

I hardly know my nephews and have a very distant relationship with my siblings as we have been living far from each other for decades. If my son dies before me, all my assets are set to go to my best friend, if she dies too… probably to Cancer Research.

gogomoto · 25/08/2023 18:07

Please get specific legal and financial advice on leaving money to the dgc with Sen, it needs to be done in a certain way to avoid impacting his care funding arrangements, but of course they should be treated equally, and the carers accompanying him on holiday means he can actually have a holiday.

And no don't ignore the other dgc, obviously there's a backstory but equality is important

OverTheHillAndDownTotherSide · 25/08/2023 18:08

My parents (mum) are considering the opposite. They have two daughters, who each have one child. My nephew is profoundly autistic and may never live independently (he’s only 3 now). She wants to change the will away from 50/50 between my sister and me to 75/25 in favour of my nephew and skip my sister and me completely.

I don’t want their money but it seems bizarre for her to do this when my sister currently earns £6k a month renting out her £1.5m house in London, plus various non-income based benefits, and pays zero rent or bills living with them.