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Original poster

Treating grandkids differently in Will

454 replies

GloriaVictoria · 25/08/2023 14:17

Need to rewrite my Will following a recent bereavement.

For various reasons I would prefer to leave most of my money to my grandkids rather than my 2 sons. DSs are both in their 50s and my thinking is that the money could be put to better use in giving 20-somethings a helping hand. DSs will get something but not massive amounts.

My first problem is that one DGS has learning difficulties and behavioural problems and is living in supported accommodation. He does not work and will probably never be able to live independently. Any money would need to be under the control of a trustee, adding a level of complication, and with no real guarantee that the money would be used wisely. (A holiday would be fine but I object to paying for his carers to accompany him.) Yet it doesn't seem fair to exclude him completely when his sister stands to inherit a nice chunk. Does it seem reasonable to leave him a token amount, say £1000?

Secondly, what do you think about not leaving anything at all to a DGS who doesn't seem to want a relationship, to the point of not being invited to his wedding and christenings? We haven't had a falling out (that I'm aware of) just that we have never been close. Lives 40 miles away so I wasn't around when he was younger so we never really got to know each other. Is it spiteful and selfish to exclude him? Sounds like emotional blackmail doesn't it, keep in touch if you want to get anything when I'm gone.

Please be gentle.

OP posts:
YetMoreNewBeginnings · 25/08/2023 18:34

guzzleandstuff · 25/08/2023 18:32

The child in supported accommodation will not benefit at all if you leave the money to him as it will be taken by the state to pay for what he is already getting. So no point.

That’s not remotely the case if it’s left in trust.

Saturdayrabbit42 · 25/08/2023 18:35

This is such an awful post 😞

ToilTrouble · 25/08/2023 18:37

Yet it doesn't seem fair to exclude him completely when his sister stands to inherit a nice chunk. Does it seem reasonable to leave him a token amount, say £1000?

This feels like quite a jump: from it's not fair to exclude him to presumably leaving him much less than the others. I assume for him to go on holiday he'd need his carers to go with him so I wouldn't have a problem if any money went towards paying for them too.

I do have sympathy with not wanting to leave money to the DGS who didn't invite you to his wedding though. I'd probably split it between all DGC but with more going to the ones you see regularly and also DGS with learning disabilities.

5128gap · 25/08/2023 18:39

Write a will that makes you feel comfortable here and now. Remember you are giving a gift not an entitlement. Don't worry about what people will think or how you'll be remembered. Being dead has a way of taking our minds off such things.

TakeOnMe251 · 25/08/2023 18:40

Please be gentle

Gentle? To a grandmother who wants her grandchild (with SEN so severe that they live in supported accommodation) to either NOT go on holiday, or go on holiday with NO support?

Speechless

CleverLilViper · 25/08/2023 18:40

SpilltheTea · 25/08/2023 18:21

I don't understand why people think it's unfair if you don't want to split it evenly. It's so entitled to expect money from someone, especially someone you don't have anything to do with, just because you're related. Leave it to who you want. If they get upset, it says more about them.

It's not entitled to think that an even split being family members is the fair and equitable thing to do. Of course, it's the OP's money and she can leave it to whoever she chooses to.

However, it still carries a consequence if she does it as planned. People are going to feel a type of way about it. Her memory will likely be tarnished and a family rift could well ensue.

OP has a disabled GS who is unable to work and resides in sheltered accommodation. She is unwilling to leave anything more to him than a token amount of £1000. She's apparently happy for him to use it to go on holiday for himself, but not to pay his carers to go with him. He will need carers to go on holiday. Do you really not see anything wrong with that? It's mean-spirited and likely the OP knows will mean her GS can't go on holiday if he can't afford to pay his carers to go with him.

If OP wants to be fair, she'd divide it up equally. If she doesn't care, and doesn't care about the consequences, she'll continue as she is. Also, let's not pretend there isn't an emotional element of wills. There is-many take it as a sign or a marker for what you meant to a person.

The hurt and upset caused is very rarely about the money itself.

BygoneDays · 25/08/2023 18:42

Please be gentle.

OK, I will be brief, you are about to become Nasty Grandma that everyone bitches about years after you have passed away. Perhaps you don't care.

PrrrplePineapple · 25/08/2023 18:43

With all due respect, if you are leaving your estate to people you are leaving behind, it's best to view it as a gift. You have zero control over what the money is used for, nor should you. You are not the moral arbiter of your grandchildren's lives and have no place 'objecting' to a carer going on holiday with your grandson, for example. If you are intent on the money being used for a worthy purpose, there are a lot of charities you could leave it to.

Also consider the resentment and bitterness you will stir up among your own children through this very biased treatment of their children. That's the legacy people will remember, and your granddaughter may bear the brunt of it since she'll be here but you won't. You are going to cause a family rift if you split things unfairly, and it's your shout as to how you feel about doing that.

On the other hand, I would personally not bother leaving money to a relative who actively declined a relationship with me.

Barbiefan · 25/08/2023 18:47

Just to put my two pennies worth in…my Grandad left a large amount to my cousins and nothing to me even though I was close to him. He didn’t tell anyone and every time I see my cousins with their new cars and house they own while I graft to pay my rent I feel resentful and wonder why he did that to me. It’s tarnished my memory of him if I’m honest.

NamechangeForthisquestion1 · 25/08/2023 18:49

Same (ish) here @Barbiefan I wish I hadn't opened this thread to be honest. 😔 can't get over how selfish my 'family' are.

CobraChicken · 25/08/2023 18:59

Fallingthroughclouds · 25/08/2023 15:17

I'm amazed you don't want to leave any to your sons. I would leave the majority to them and a token amount to the grandchildren. Hopefully it will filter down to them in time. I think that would cause a massive amount of upset. It's not just the money it's the emotions tied up with it.

I actually think that part is completely fine if her sons are in their 50s and doing okay financially.

My DM did the same, except she split her house equally between the GCs and with her DCs full knowledge that this was going to be the case.

DH and I aren't wealthy by any stretch of the imagination but we're doing okay. We purchased our first home together in our early 20s with a 15% deposit that wasn't actually a huge amount of money (~10k) and then sold it just 5 years later for 70% more than we paid! We'd made no improvements - just a booming housing market.

We then sold our second house just 5 years after that for about 75% profit!

I don't begrudge our kids and their cousin getting a helping hand while they're still young. Our DC are both students but they work a damn site harder than DH and I ever did at university. Even if they both find good jobs, they'd still be scrimping and saving for years to have any hope of owning their own homes nowadays, without this inheritance, whereas DH and I could afford to buy our first house within a couple of years of graduating while still regularly going out clubbing!

user1469908434 · 25/08/2023 19:03

The best thing you can do is make sure you spend it all before you die so it’s not an issue, failing that, I’d leave it 50/50 between your children as treating your grandchildren spectacularly differently will tarnish all family relationships for years to come. You wont be remembered kindly, maybe not even by the favoured grandchild if they are a decent person!

user76541055773 · 25/08/2023 19:04

guzzleandstuff · 25/08/2023 18:30

My view is that if an adult doesn't have the kindness or thought to invite a grandparent to a wedding or to the christening of his baby , if he or she can't be bothered to call and see how granny is doing (even if she's a bit boring or has outdated views), if that adult is so busy they will always prioritise their own circle rather than do something that would make an elderly family member happy then that is their CHOICE.

It also follows that if an adult wants to leave their money to someone they love and have a good relationship with rather than someone they barely know - then that is their choice.

My view is that if an adult doesn't have the kindness or thought to invite a grandparent to a wedding or to the christening of his baby build a relationship with their grandchild, if he or she can't be bothered to call and see how granny their grandchild is doing (even if she's a bit boring he’s not their favourite or has outdated views lives 40 miles away), if that adult is so busy they will always prioritise their own circle rather than do something that would make an elderly family member a small child happy then that is their CHOICE.

It also follows that if an adult wants to leave their money to that child grows up to only invite to family celebration someone they love and have a good relationship with rather than someone they barely know - then that is their choice.

Grimbelina · 25/08/2023 19:12

I have a child with a disability. If my mother did what you are suggesting, I would be devastated. Just share it equally between the sons and the grandchildren, just the sons or just the grandchildren. Otherwise, yes, your legacy will be bitterness. Do you really want your family to feel that (about you)?

ChampagneLassie · 25/08/2023 19:15

You say please be gentle. So gently why would you object to paying for carers so your disabled grandchild could go on holiday? Irrespective it’s your money and you can do as you wish but yes if you leave it to the disabled one presumably in order for him to do anything nice it will require associated support costs.

felisha54 · 25/08/2023 19:17

How many gc do you have?

It's not the gc fault that he loved 40 miles from you and neither their parents or you could be bothered facilitating a relationship, I think it would be mean to leave then out of will completely- perhaps a token amount. Also this child being left out of will may cause difficulties between your 2 children.

The gc with learning disabilities is more complicated as leaving suns of money could impact on any benefits they receive. I think I'd ringfence money, give it to my dc and stipulate that it's for grandson to enhance enjoyment of life. Suppose you have to trust they'll do it.

In theory though I do like your idea. I would rather my parents and my FIL left any inheritance to my dc rather than dh and I.

Tinkerbyebye · 25/08/2023 19:20

guzzleandstuff · 25/08/2023 18:30

My view is that if an adult doesn't have the kindness or thought to invite a grandparent to a wedding or to the christening of his baby , if he or she can't be bothered to call and see how granny is doing (even if she's a bit boring or has outdated views), if that adult is so busy they will always prioritise their own circle rather than do something that would make an elderly family member happy then that is their CHOICE.

It also follows that if an adult wants to leave their money to someone they love and have a good relationship with rather than someone they barely know - then that is their choice.

@guzzleandstuff

but we don’t know why the op, where the grandson was a child, didn’t build a relationship. Maybe it’s difficult now for the grandchild who has always felt second best, and certainly will now

The Op should be leading this

BlondeScarySpice · 25/08/2023 19:21

Sounds like emotional blackmail doesn't it, keep in touch if you want to get anything when I'm gone.

Have you got a phone that only works one way?

BrokenMantra · 25/08/2023 19:28

I suspect if you do this - your grand-daughter is likely to share any inheritance with at least her sibling and possibly her cousin (pretty much any reasonable person would) so you are just likely to upset people. I would split it between your sons.

OhLookIveChangedMyNameAgain · 25/08/2023 19:28

user76541055773 · 25/08/2023 19:04

My view is that if an adult doesn't have the kindness or thought to invite a grandparent to a wedding or to the christening of his baby build a relationship with their grandchild, if he or she can't be bothered to call and see how granny their grandchild is doing (even if she's a bit boring he’s not their favourite or has outdated views lives 40 miles away), if that adult is so busy they will always prioritise their own circle rather than do something that would make an elderly family member a small child happy then that is their CHOICE.

It also follows that if an adult wants to leave their money to that child grows up to only invite to family celebration someone they love and have a good relationship with rather than someone they barely know - then that is their choice.

Show quote history

brilliantly done! And so true.

stayathomer · 25/08/2023 19:31

However, it still carries a consequence if she does it as planned. People are going to feel a type of way about it. Her memory will likely be tarnished and a family rift could well ensue.
This is true but on mn I’ve learned there are a few schools of thought, so actually nobody will ever be happy- there’s people who think it should be equal
there’s people who think because they have less they need more help, and db is quite rich so needs nothing

but then also the ‘I helped and she didn’t help and just because she has less money means nothing,

then there’s I have kids to think about

or I have no partner which means I’ve no help to get a house

etc etc

An inheritance is a bloody nightmare! I always thought money shouldn’t change anything with family, but then have seen my family, my dads family, dh’s family, our neighbour’s family, two of my friends’ families, our local shop’s families … all have issues because of inheritance so unfortunately I think it’s outside of the norm for people not to fight over inheritance!!

Viviennemary · 25/08/2023 19:32

You should leave your money split between your two sons and let them make provision for their children as they see fit.

PurpleBugz · 25/08/2023 19:32

It's your money do with it as you wish. I agree leave to GC instead of sons.

Re the disabled kid can you leave some in trust or something to be given out by a gc you trust when Sen kiddo requests stuff? I have a Sen son maybe he will live independently but right now he can't do anything without carers so to have carers excluded from accompanying him on holiday would upset me. But I would not leave it for holidays I'd leave it for the latest games consoles or clothes or whatever else type stuff he likes- stuff that lasts and gives better quality of life and enjoyment rather that triple expensive as has to cover cater and over and done in a week.

If the grand child who doesn't see you has no decent reason then I see no problem not including them. But I'd say they have a high needs Sen kiddo themselves to look after and their parent never made the effort to build the relationship when they were young then I would include them. One of my own parents is elderly and needing frequent visits from his kids, I can't do anything to help due to my high needs son and I worry he doesn't realise this is why.

But honestly families fight over inheritance and it gets so nasty so often. When there is a will there is no excuse for this! I really feel it's the person who wrote the wills decision to leave it as they wish

QOD · 25/08/2023 19:35

I feel strongly that inheritance should pass generationally. For all you know, one of your children could be unhappy and could change their life massively
grandchildren being able to buy houses etc without working hard ? Hmmm. No
maybe a deposit would be nice ?
i do only have 1 child but I’m 1 of 2. My bro has 2 kids. Why would they get 2/3 of the estate …
maybe that’s me being greedy but 🤷🏼‍♀️

Butchyrestingface · 25/08/2023 19:41

(A holiday would be fine but I object to paying for his carers to accompany him.) Yet it doesn't seem fair to exclude him completely when his sister stands to inherit a nice chunk. Does it seem reasonable to leave him a token amount, say £1000?

What ... have ... I ... just ... read??

I hope they all tell you to shove your money.