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AIBU?

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Original poster

Treating grandkids differently in Will

454 replies

GloriaVictoria · 25/08/2023 14:17

Need to rewrite my Will following a recent bereavement.

For various reasons I would prefer to leave most of my money to my grandkids rather than my 2 sons. DSs are both in their 50s and my thinking is that the money could be put to better use in giving 20-somethings a helping hand. DSs will get something but not massive amounts.

My first problem is that one DGS has learning difficulties and behavioural problems and is living in supported accommodation. He does not work and will probably never be able to live independently. Any money would need to be under the control of a trustee, adding a level of complication, and with no real guarantee that the money would be used wisely. (A holiday would be fine but I object to paying for his carers to accompany him.) Yet it doesn't seem fair to exclude him completely when his sister stands to inherit a nice chunk. Does it seem reasonable to leave him a token amount, say £1000?

Secondly, what do you think about not leaving anything at all to a DGS who doesn't seem to want a relationship, to the point of not being invited to his wedding and christenings? We haven't had a falling out (that I'm aware of) just that we have never been close. Lives 40 miles away so I wasn't around when he was younger so we never really got to know each other. Is it spiteful and selfish to exclude him? Sounds like emotional blackmail doesn't it, keep in touch if you want to get anything when I'm gone.

Please be gentle.

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 25/08/2023 16:49

You are happy for your disabled grandson to have a holiday, yes? Would you like him to go alone?! Could he manage that? Or do you think other people would choose to pay for the privilege of caring for him whilst they go on their holiday?

You sound vile.

Pipsquiggle · 25/08/2023 16:49

Hi OP

I would give it to your DSs and give an equal gift e.g. £5k each to your GCs

I think your thinking on giving disabled GC less is flawed

ChrisPPancake · 25/08/2023 16:51

If your grandson wouldn't be able to go on holiday without carers to facilitate it, you're massively unreasonable to begrudge paying for that care. Do you think the carers should pay for themselves? They're not going to be on holiday Confused

Either split it equally between gc, give it to your sons or leave it all to the cat's home.

startingnoww · 25/08/2023 16:51

Why don't you divide it equally between your sons and grandchildren? Or leave it to your sons. Don't cut a grandchild out of your will, from personal experience as one of the grandchildren who was left something, they will not think kindly of you in the future for excluding others and in our case, the children used part of their inheritances to make sure the grandchildren all got an equal amount. It leaves a bitter taste to divide a family like this.

LindaDawn · 25/08/2023 16:54

I think you have not realised ow important it is to be fair to all your family. Wills can tear families apart and cause so much emotional distress. Leave it all to your 2 sons and speak to your sons and ask them to make an amount of money available to the grandchildren.

GeneJeanie · 25/08/2023 16:54

Please be gentle.

Lol. Behave OP!

happyhippiehippo · 25/08/2023 16:55

I'm not sure if this is a genuine OP, but of course leave it to the sons. Even though they're 50, they're probably still involved to a great extent in their children's lives and possibly could do with a bit of help, and would no doubt look after their own children, and would make the admin around the disabled GC a lot easier.
I do think it's always best to just leave to your children rather than skipping and giving to the GC.
And if you were to leave on GC out how do you think the father of that child would feel? Always best to split evenly.

aSofaNearYou · 25/08/2023 16:55

Well, firstly, unless your sons are very well off, I strongly disagree with the logic that it is better off going straight to the grandchildren. The grandchildren will stand to inherit from the children one day, but the children, if skipped, will never have the advantage of an inheritance and all the relief and security that can bring. So I would not skip your sons for that reason.

But if you are going to - struggling to make sense of the relationships, but does the DGS you want to leave out not have siblings? I think it would be alright to leave it all to one sib-set you were much closer to and not the other, but likely to cause ill feeling if you leave out one sibling. It might also look pretty bad that the one with learning difficulties is the one being excluded.

As a side note, I think it sounds a bit mean that you are against paying for his carer to go on holiday. This is surely just something that is a necessary expense of him going on holiday?

Hooplahooping · 25/08/2023 16:56

Charrington · 25/08/2023 16:19

I read that assuming that you’d be asking about leaving more money to the gc with special needs Hmm

Snap.

whatwasIgoingtosay · 25/08/2023 16:59

You will be playing games of favouritism from beyond the grave, leaving a legacy of bitterness. You will be remembered as someone who was unfair and unjust. Don't do it, OP.

Saschka · 25/08/2023 16:59

Leaving money to the grandchild on supported living may affect his entitlement to benefits, so from that perspective YANBU - he could end up worse off, or just have the money used up to pay for care which was covered before, with no “extra” benefit from your inheritance.

The rest of it is totally unreasonable though. If you just want to leave it all to your favourite granddaughter and cut your grandsons (and sons) out of your will, own it.

Personally I’d just split it between your sons. I assume you get on ok with both of them?

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 25/08/2023 17:00

My nana had me and DB plus our cousin who’s 15-20 years older as grandchildren to leave to. She wasn’t close to our cousin at all due to distance and him living abroad but she left an equal share of money to our mothers (her DD’s) and then an equal lesser share to us grandchildren but same amounts. My nana had a best friend who was my DM’s age and sort of a daughter to her, who I think was expecting a big chunk of money but she got a legacy anyway. Our legacy was considerable either way but I didn’t expect it. Me/DB/DM had been left a life changing amount of money by an uncle/great uncle who was very wealthy too a few years before (ours was in a trust).

It’s very unfair to leave differing amounts to grandchildren especially as you don’t want carers to be paid for taking the person they care for on holiday. I’d leave the money fairly or to sons or more fairly as my nana did some to all, so then no one is bitter.

Nanny0gg · 25/08/2023 17:00

GloriaVictoria · 25/08/2023 14:17

Need to rewrite my Will following a recent bereavement.

For various reasons I would prefer to leave most of my money to my grandkids rather than my 2 sons. DSs are both in their 50s and my thinking is that the money could be put to better use in giving 20-somethings a helping hand. DSs will get something but not massive amounts.

My first problem is that one DGS has learning difficulties and behavioural problems and is living in supported accommodation. He does not work and will probably never be able to live independently. Any money would need to be under the control of a trustee, adding a level of complication, and with no real guarantee that the money would be used wisely. (A holiday would be fine but I object to paying for his carers to accompany him.) Yet it doesn't seem fair to exclude him completely when his sister stands to inherit a nice chunk. Does it seem reasonable to leave him a token amount, say £1000?

Secondly, what do you think about not leaving anything at all to a DGS who doesn't seem to want a relationship, to the point of not being invited to his wedding and christenings? We haven't had a falling out (that I'm aware of) just that we have never been close. Lives 40 miles away so I wasn't around when he was younger so we never really got to know each other. Is it spiteful and selfish to exclude him? Sounds like emotional blackmail doesn't it, keep in touch if you want to get anything when I'm gone.

Please be gentle.

Leave it equally or leave it to your sons.

stayathomer · 25/08/2023 17:01

Op this is a bit of a pile on, and I really don’t want to pile on too, but when people say people don’t stay in touch … I ring my mum daily, sometimes on break from quite an easy job, my sister has a lot to handle and is a nurse that works crazy hours, db has really young kids and works nuts hours and on call. Mum says ‘you’re so good to keep in touch’, I say ‘if you ring them and they don’t answer, they’re busy, but you’ll probably get them on a Saturday morning’. Her: ‘oh I couldn’t bother them’. About gc: ‘oh they’re busy’. Me’they’d love to talk to you if you rang.’ Nothing.

Reignite the relationships yourself. It’s not all on the other person!! And please pay for the carer if you’re paying for a holiday!!

happyhippiehippo · 25/08/2023 17:01

aSofaNearYou · 25/08/2023 16:55

Well, firstly, unless your sons are very well off, I strongly disagree with the logic that it is better off going straight to the grandchildren. The grandchildren will stand to inherit from the children one day, but the children, if skipped, will never have the advantage of an inheritance and all the relief and security that can bring. So I would not skip your sons for that reason.

But if you are going to - struggling to make sense of the relationships, but does the DGS you want to leave out not have siblings? I think it would be alright to leave it all to one sib-set you were much closer to and not the other, but likely to cause ill feeling if you leave out one sibling. It might also look pretty bad that the one with learning difficulties is the one being excluded.

As a side note, I think it sounds a bit mean that you are against paying for his carer to go on holiday. This is surely just something that is a necessary expense of him going on holiday?

Yes, so agree with this whole thing about 'skipping' the kids/and that generation...

NorwayLass · 25/08/2023 17:05

It’s seems a spiteful will. Either split it evenly between your sons or evenly between everyone. The cash for the child with SEN can be put in a trust fund I expect. Caring for someone while on their chosen holiday is not a jolly, it’s blooming hard work with no downtime in your own home.

Noicant · 25/08/2023 17:08

I’m NC with my parents and I don’t expect an inheritance. So I don’t think it’s that unreasonable, he doesn’t seem to be interested in you either so I doubt he’s expecting anything. Honestly though I would probably still leave him something.

I think you should think about how money could make your disabled grandchilds life better, pay for more experiences for him etc. It’s not money wasted.

SunWorshipping · 25/08/2023 17:11

Leave your money to who you want to leave it to, it's not like they can come back to you and be nasty/cause a rift, you'll be dead and gone! If someone doesn't want anything to do with you in life, why would you leave them money? Just do what you like, it's your money to distribute how you see fit. You don't have to tell anyone your plans, they'll only find out after you are gone.

LakieLady · 25/08/2023 17:11

My DSS's GM left him a trust fund when she died. At the time, he was the only grandchild, and by the time he reached majority the fund had grown to the point where he was able to buy a 3-bed house in an expensive town with only a small mortgage.

Her other children went on to have children of their own, and they got nothing. It has caused considerable resentment, and hardship, for the GCs who came later, all now adults.

It would have been so much better if she had left it divided equally between her 3 children.

NamelessNancy · 25/08/2023 17:12

Did you or do you stand to inherit anything from your parents OP or did they skip your generation? Surely less divisive to just leave to your children. If you want to help your grandchildren whilst they are young perhaps give them some money now rather than wait if you can afford to.

SunWorshipping · 25/08/2023 17:13

Hooplahooping · 25/08/2023 16:56

Snap.

Show quote history

I thought this too when I started reading!

Zooeyzo · 25/08/2023 17:14

I find this very sad. My parents have already said they will look after my autistic son in their will so nobody ever has to worry about him. He's still young ao we don't know how his life will turn out but want to plan. To object to paying for a carer is pathetic.

loislovesstewie · 25/08/2023 17:14

What if the other grandchildren spend unwisely? Are you going to instruct them how to spend their inheritance?

BIossomtoes · 25/08/2023 17:17

Just leave it equally to your kids. Attempted control from beyond the grave is nasty.

NorwayLass · 25/08/2023 17:17

My grandad gave me £50 and my brother (his favourite) £500 when we got married (not to each other!). He had clearly made judgments about us and thought less of me (a nurse). Now 10 years later i firmly see this as his issue not mine. I would never treat my grandchildren like this.