Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 12 13 14 ··· 18 19

Original poster

Treating grandkids differently in Will

454 replies

GloriaVictoria · 25/08/2023 14:17

Need to rewrite my Will following a recent bereavement.

For various reasons I would prefer to leave most of my money to my grandkids rather than my 2 sons. DSs are both in their 50s and my thinking is that the money could be put to better use in giving 20-somethings a helping hand. DSs will get something but not massive amounts.

My first problem is that one DGS has learning difficulties and behavioural problems and is living in supported accommodation. He does not work and will probably never be able to live independently. Any money would need to be under the control of a trustee, adding a level of complication, and with no real guarantee that the money would be used wisely. (A holiday would be fine but I object to paying for his carers to accompany him.) Yet it doesn't seem fair to exclude him completely when his sister stands to inherit a nice chunk. Does it seem reasonable to leave him a token amount, say £1000?

Secondly, what do you think about not leaving anything at all to a DGS who doesn't seem to want a relationship, to the point of not being invited to his wedding and christenings? We haven't had a falling out (that I'm aware of) just that we have never been close. Lives 40 miles away so I wasn't around when he was younger so we never really got to know each other. Is it spiteful and selfish to exclude him? Sounds like emotional blackmail doesn't it, keep in touch if you want to get anything when I'm gone.

Please be gentle.

OP posts:

BungleandGeorge · 26/08/2023 13:13

Leave it to your children. Unless they’re irresponsible they will then be able to help their own children when necessary. I do r understand why you’d give direct to the GC unless their parents are bad parents or very rich. If your partner has passed away what were his wishes for his half? Does he have family?

LlynTegid · 26/08/2023 13:15

I think leaving other than a small amount to one grandchild will bring resentment. If you think that your DSs are comfortably off, why not consider some of your inheritance going to a charity you support?

PlacidPenelope · 26/08/2023 13:27

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 26/08/2023 12:57

I agree. Cutting her GS out of the will is a final "fuck you" to the son she doesn't get on with, and the ex-husband who supposedly turned him against her. It's entirely deliberate.

Yes. As others have said using inheritance to make a final point from beyond the grave.

The only reasons supplied for cutting people out of the inheritance are (1) because one is seriously disabled and would need a Trust set up and carers to enable him to benefit from any of it and (2) something vague about a former husband which caused issues between her and her son.

Hazarding a guess - the former husband is not the father of the son.

ChrisPPancake · 26/08/2023 13:32

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 26/08/2023 12:58

I agree. Cutting her GS out of the will is a final "fuck you" to the son she doesn't get on with, and the ex-husband who supposedly turned him against her. It's entirely deliberate.

Nail on the head I feel.

DarkSpark · 26/08/2023 13:37

"DGS who doesn't seem to want a relationship, to the point of not being invited to his wedding and christenings? We haven't had a falling out (that I'm aware of)"

Then

"I will say that I have a very poor relationship with one son (his choice, not mine) who is the father of the married grandson, and there was no contact for many years"

So are fully aware why. You're punishing him for you and his father having fallen out and disregarding the other grandson due to his disability, granddaughter meets approval so she gets the money.

He probably won't be surprised, you're not giving the impression it's out of character behaviour from you.

IDriveMySupernova · 26/08/2023 13:37

Wow.

When our grandmother died, my brother and I discovered we were disinherited from her will after our father died. Meanwhile our cousins inherited nicely.

I adored my grandmother and I thought she adored me. Now I can’t even think about her and I’ve taken down a photo of her I kept on my desk.

If you’re happy to leave behind that kind of legacy then by all means go ahead.

HerMammy · 26/08/2023 13:42

A holiday would be fine but I object to paying for his carers to accompany him.
Guess he'll never have a holiday then. 40 miles on public transport is nothing, you seem full of excuses for poor relationships; your former husband, your son, distance.
Leave your money to charity.

NoTouch · 26/08/2023 13:57

Also bear in mind if you do use your will as a "fuck you" to any of your "d"c or "d"gc you could cause problems between your dc and/or your dgc.

You would have to be cold-hearted to want to do that. Surely, regardless of your current relationship issues (which you need to take some responsibility for too), or personal feelings you love(d) your dc and dgc.

dh's mum did a "fuck you" will and it split his family in two and each "side" haven't communicated with each other for years now - brothers missing out on supporting each other, cousins no longer in contact. dh found the whole thing so painful and turned to drink for a while as it was the final punch in the face from his "mother".

No-one wanted her ashes and somehow dh got lumbered with them probably because he was the contact for the crematorium and with the family being split and in pain he just didn't know what to do with them. They have been up in the corner of our spider infested loft in a plastic tub in a supermarket carrier bag for years now. What a legacy to leave behind you. My parents were no angels, but we speak fondly of them at birthdays/christmas and childhood memories etc. There are no pictures of MIL, I don't think they will ever forgive her and no-one ever talks about her.

IWantOutDoI · 26/08/2023 13:58

HerMammy · 26/08/2023 13:42

Yep… better to leave it to charity, if she doesn’t understand why a carer might be needed to take a disabled kid on holiday, it would be better for her to stuff her money where the sun doesn’t shine and be buried with it.

I know a lawyer who after many probate cases once said that the best inheritance he was going to leave to his kids was to leave them nothing as he had seen so many family relationships destroyed over the money.

I think OP that if you split the money as you want, the only thing you will be leaving behind is a legacy of hate. I would be more understanding if you were talking millions here but for £1000 here and there… they are much better off if you spend them enjoying yourself and paying for help in your last years and leave them alone.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 26/08/2023 14:28

Also bear in mind if you do use your will as a "fuck you" to any of your "d"c or "d"gc you could cause problems between your dc and/or your dgc.

I think the OP would see that not as a flaw in her plan, but as a desirable feature.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 26/08/2023 14:35

Given the subsequent post about her poor relationship with her DS, it can't be anything other than a deliberate "fuck you" really.

Her DS was no contact with her for years and as a result she doesn't have a strong relationship with her GC on that side. But rather than accept that she needs to put effort into building bridges etc now that he's an adult, she just blames the GC for not inviting her to his wedding. It's all someone else's fault.

The reluctance to pay for a carer so that her disabled GC could enjoy a holiday tells you everything you need to know about her miserly, begrudging, sour mindset.

Dagnabit · 26/08/2023 14:41

Be gentle?! Gosh, I’m sure you’re not as awful as you’re coming across - at least I hope you’re not! Either leave it to your sons or split equally between your 3 grandchildren. It isn’t your disabled grandson’s fault that he needs a carer to accompany him on holiday. You’ll be dead, why do you care so much that his money is spent that way? And relationships work both ways and it’s normally to older relative’s responsibility to facilitate keeping touch until the younger one becomes an adult, at least. Doesn’t sound like you made much effort to overcome the 40 miles distance 😂 Maybe leave it all to a cat charity because you’re coming across as a bitter shrew.

SpudleyLass · 26/08/2023 14:42

I would either leave to both sons or, with the knowledge that it isn't enough to be life changing, chuck it all into a trust for the disabled grandson.

Favouring the granddaughter will do her no favours outside of financial matters.

KnittedCardi · 26/08/2023 14:54

DM had 7 grandchildren, most she never saw because she was mean to them. However she asked, so I insisted, that she leave equal amounts to all the grandchildren, otherwise I would never forgive her. I was her executor, so had some skin in the game.

Don't be that GM OP. My mum also put some other stuff in the will in regards to us, her children, and the whole family has fallen out, despite the equality for the grandchildren. Wills are emotive things. She said it wasn't her problem because she would be dead, but she left behind a shit show.

wowthatsharsh · 26/08/2023 14:57

I'd leave it to your children and then they can either help or eventually leave it to your grandchildren.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 26/08/2023 16:32

millymoo1202 · 25/08/2023 14:23

You object to paying for the carers to take your disabled grandson on holiday, wow. Maybe leave it all to a charity

I know; it's mind boggling.

NewName122 · 26/08/2023 16:51

frozencarlotta · 25/08/2023 14:44

So Op expects him to go on holiday on his own? Which he clearly cannot do, so...

Show quote history

Agree. How cruel op. So basically he couldn't go.

Sisterpita · 26/08/2023 16:53

@GloriaVictoria it is your money, your will so leave you money how you want. However, please also write a letter explaining why you chose to leave the money this way.

There have been posters on here left utterly bewildered or completely shocked by the contents of wills. No explanation, so they don’t know why and it can damage their mental health. Choosing not to include someone in a will is fine, not explaining why is cruel.

Allymcphee · 26/08/2023 18:04

Leave to whomever you want. It's your money and you won't be around to worry about any fall out.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 26/08/2023 18:26

Having read so many posters saying that the initial plan would be devisive and not a great legacy, Why not spend your time now building some bridges and repairing relationships rather than worrying about your will. YOu might be surprised how some will respond to a genuine olive branch or a kind gesture and you would benefit from this too.

Susiefish21 · 26/08/2023 18:30

I'm wondering if your grandson with special needs has to pay for his care if he has so much money in the bank, if so I would leave him the £1000 you mentioned, not worth setting up a Trust I would have thought, could be costly too. We have left our children 50% if our money with the rest being shared amongst grandchildren no matter their circumstances. Thankfully we don't have any with special needs which is another issue, as stated above.

Susiefish21 · 26/08/2023 18:37

PS If you think some grandchildren deserve more because they see you regularly, why not give them that bit extra now.

NippySweetie16 · 26/08/2023 18:37

To be honest I found your post really upsetting. What you have described is frankly punitive and shows no love. One GC who needs support to have the kinds of experiences others take for granted. One who, frankly, you didn't bother to get to know because they live 40 miles away. Many people commute this distance daily.

We have a family member with LD. The solution we have found is that a trust manages a fund which will receive double the amount others will inherit, simply because he cannot work and EVERY aspect of his life is affected.

Please think carefully about your relationships and try to inject some love and concern rather than £££

AnaJane1 · 26/08/2023 18:45

It’s your money, leave it to whomever and however you wish. Just don’t say anything.

Lollipop81 · 26/08/2023 18:58

Your money leave it to who you want. Ignore the negative comments, I think your plan is just fine

Flip

1 2 ··· 12 13 14 ··· 18 19