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Original poster

Treating grandkids differently in Will

454 replies

GloriaVictoria · 25/08/2023 14:17

Need to rewrite my Will following a recent bereavement.

For various reasons I would prefer to leave most of my money to my grandkids rather than my 2 sons. DSs are both in their 50s and my thinking is that the money could be put to better use in giving 20-somethings a helping hand. DSs will get something but not massive amounts.

My first problem is that one DGS has learning difficulties and behavioural problems and is living in supported accommodation. He does not work and will probably never be able to live independently. Any money would need to be under the control of a trustee, adding a level of complication, and with no real guarantee that the money would be used wisely. (A holiday would be fine but I object to paying for his carers to accompany him.) Yet it doesn't seem fair to exclude him completely when his sister stands to inherit a nice chunk. Does it seem reasonable to leave him a token amount, say £1000?

Secondly, what do you think about not leaving anything at all to a DGS who doesn't seem to want a relationship, to the point of not being invited to his wedding and christenings? We haven't had a falling out (that I'm aware of) just that we have never been close. Lives 40 miles away so I wasn't around when he was younger so we never really got to know each other. Is it spiteful and selfish to exclude him? Sounds like emotional blackmail doesn't it, keep in touch if you want to get anything when I'm gone.

Please be gentle.

OP posts:
upanddown22 · 26/08/2023 11:00

Shinyandnew1 · 25/08/2023 14:36

A holiday would be fine but I object to paying for his carers to accompany him.

WTF?!

Agree totally. The op appears to care less about the disabled grandchild. I actually would think if anything they may need more in the way of help as otherwise they are dependent on the whims of the government at the time with benefit changes and so many disabled people are in awful situations with care / daily living expenses.

Tinkerbyebye · 26/08/2023 11:00

GloriaVictoria · 26/08/2023 10:45

There's a lot of very judgemental people on this thread who know nothing about my family circumstances. I'm not going to elaborate as it could be potentially outing. But I will say that I have a very poor relationship with one son (his choice, not mine) who is the father of the married grandson, and there was no contact for many years due to my former husband. And 40 miles might not seem much, but it could be halfway round the world if you haven't got transport.

Many people have commented that receiving large sums of money can be a serious issue when state benefits are involved. Any inheritance I leave is not enough to be life changing and I have no desire to complicate things financially for people who already struggle to cope with bureaucracy. Having said that, I will certainly look at the possibility of having a trust set up for my DGS.

I quoted the post from Mari9999 because I think her philosophy of leaving money to people whose company I enjoy is a good one. It's often said you can't choose your family, but why should people expect an inheritance just because they share DNA?

Show quote history

Ah so not only a favourite grandchild, but it’s someone else’s fault you don’t have a good relationship with one of your sons or his child, so in his case your former husband

so question is 1. Why did YOU allow this to happen, and 2 when your husband became ‘former’ did you try and build bridges. Sounds to me like actually you need to accept some responsibility

OilOfRoses · 26/08/2023 11:00

Refusing to pay for a carer to accompany your GS on a holiday is because you assume you are paying the carer to holiday too, right? I assure you, they are working, supporting your GS to accomplish what he wants, not doing what they themselves want. Any carer payment is to enable your GS to have a holiday. The carer is not getting a bonus holiday!

I don't expect to ever inherit but my children will definitely benefit if I do. So leaving it to me would indirectly help the GC.

elderflowerandpomelo · 26/08/2023 11:01

This sounds like it could be a very damaging legacy to the grandchild you like best. Do you want to do that damage?

OilOfRoses · 26/08/2023 11:02

Great legacy, dividing the GC into favoured and not favoured. Nothing like interfering with sibling relationships from the grave.

Aposterhasnoname · 26/08/2023 11:05

Well if you want your entire family to resent you and the golden grandchild, and that grandchild to have endless hassle after you’ve gone, then you’re going about it the right way.

Sugarfree23 · 26/08/2023 11:17

Op split equally between your sons. Let them decide how they should divide between their children.

But a holiday for the DGC with disabilities needs a carer. They are working not on a jolly.

DrBricolage · 26/08/2023 11:21

Why did you bother seeking advice, only to ignore literally hundreds of people in favour of the one respondent who conforms with your original view?

MarthaSchumann · 26/08/2023 11:27

It sounds like your mind was already made up before you posted your questions.

I don't think it matters much what your reasons are - if you do an unequal split you will leave a spiteful legacy that is bound to cause further damage.

I would spend more time trying to gently repair these damaged relationships - surely all the issues can't be down to your husband, your lack of transport and the other people involved? Are you really 100% blameless?

OilOfRoses · 26/08/2023 11:30

I'm expecting something like this from my MIL. It will only reinforce our opinion of her.

StarbucksSmarterSister · 26/08/2023 11:34

There's a lot of very judgemental people on this thread .

Probably because of your comment about not being willing for your money to go on carers taking your grandchild on holiday. It seems obvious he wouldn't be capable of going without them. I note you haven't addressed that point.

Thomasina79 · 26/08/2023 11:35

I’m adding to the comments about leaving it to your own children. Perhaps leave say, £1,000 each for the grandchildren.

ps of course the carer would expect and be entitled to travel expenses, it is a job for which they get paid.

MissDiagnosed · 26/08/2023 11:36

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

WillowCraft · 26/08/2023 11:38

You don't sound like a very nice person. Not keen on disabled grandchild, blaming other people for the lack of relationship with other grandchild, not bothered about causing family rifts because you're more interested in making a point.

category12 · 26/08/2023 11:41

GloriaVictoria · 26/08/2023 10:45

There's a lot of very judgemental people on this thread who know nothing about my family circumstances. I'm not going to elaborate as it could be potentially outing. But I will say that I have a very poor relationship with one son (his choice, not mine) who is the father of the married grandson, and there was no contact for many years due to my former husband. And 40 miles might not seem much, but it could be halfway round the world if you haven't got transport.

Many people have commented that receiving large sums of money can be a serious issue when state benefits are involved. Any inheritance I leave is not enough to be life changing and I have no desire to complicate things financially for people who already struggle to cope with bureaucracy. Having said that, I will certainly look at the possibility of having a trust set up for my DGS.

I quoted the post from Mari9999 because I think her philosophy of leaving money to people whose company I enjoy is a good one. It's often said you can't choose your family, but why should people expect an inheritance just because they share DNA?

Show quote history

If you've got a poor relationship with one of your sons, which seems is possibly because your exH succeeded in alienating him, does that/has that saddened you? Why do you want to feed into that estrangement even beyond the grave?

Honestly, I think if you're leaving it to family, just leave it in equal portions.
Otherwise leave it to a charity.

Eleganz · 26/08/2023 11:43

I think threads like this are hilarious. An OP comes on with some awful shitty take and then confirms almost everyone's judgement by trying to DARVO people because they are being called out on it.

OP you want to favour one grandchild because they are not disabled and happened to have grown up within a short distance that is not too I convenient to you to have some for of relationship with them.

Getting pissy about your inheritance being used to enable your disabled grandchild to go on holiday and have the support they need is just the shittiest of shitty takes. No-one should have to really explain that to you.

My parents live 150 miles away from me and have an excellent and loving relationship with my children. You could have easily had a relationship with a child 40 miles away from you, but you chose not to and now you blame that grandchild for your failure.

I'd use the feedback on here to take a real hard look at yourself and perhaps chose not to weaponise your inheritance to cause further family issues beyond the grave.

ineedsun · 26/08/2023 11:48

Eleganz · 26/08/2023 11:43

I think threads like this are hilarious. An OP comes on with some awful shitty take and then confirms almost everyone's judgement by trying to DARVO people because they are being called out on it.

OP you want to favour one grandchild because they are not disabled and happened to have grown up within a short distance that is not too I convenient to you to have some for of relationship with them.

Getting pissy about your inheritance being used to enable your disabled grandchild to go on holiday and have the support they need is just the shittiest of shitty takes. No-one should have to really explain that to you.

My parents live 150 miles away from me and have an excellent and loving relationship with my children. You could have easily had a relationship with a child 40 miles away from you, but you chose not to and now you blame that grandchild for your failure.

I'd use the feedback on here to take a real hard look at yourself and perhaps chose not to weaponise your inheritance to cause further family issues beyond the grave.

Yep. This about sums it up.

I really can’t get my head around someone being like this and seemingly having no idea what a cunt they’re being.

Saoirse82 · 26/08/2023 11:49

Please be fair.

In my family the fall out from a will was catastrophic. My three lovely cousins, their relationship was fractured forever, so much so that when one suddenly died their relationship was never healed. Its caused ongoing trauma for their children too. You might not be here to witness it but the liklihood is some relationships might not heal or some people might be left devastated. I couldn't fathom doing this.

DrBricolage · 26/08/2023 12:17

I'm confused. How it could be due to your husband that you have a bad relationship with one son and his child. Surely it's up to you?
And if it was your husband's fault, then your son has already suffered once so why are you punishing him further by penalizing his child?

And for the record, of course we have special obligations to our children (and by proxy their children). They may not have chosen you, but you absolutely did choose to be their parent, with all of the special responsibility and power that entails.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 26/08/2023 12:22

But I will say that I have a very poor relationship with one son (his choice, not mine) who is the father of the married grandson, and there was no contact for many years due to my former husband. And 40 miles might not seem much, but it could be halfway round the world if you haven't got transport.

What better way to show your grandson that it wasn't your choice to have a poor relationship with him, or his father, than by treating him the same as his cousins.

Showing that despite the distance and the interference by your ex you still consider him your grandson

ChrisPPancake · 26/08/2023 12:48

Eleganz · 26/08/2023 11:43

I think threads like this are hilarious. An OP comes on with some awful shitty take and then confirms almost everyone's judgement by trying to DARVO people because they are being called out on it.

OP you want to favour one grandchild because they are not disabled and happened to have grown up within a short distance that is not too I convenient to you to have some for of relationship with them.

Getting pissy about your inheritance being used to enable your disabled grandchild to go on holiday and have the support they need is just the shittiest of shitty takes. No-one should have to really explain that to you.

My parents live 150 miles away from me and have an excellent and loving relationship with my children. You could have easily had a relationship with a child 40 miles away from you, but you chose not to and now you blame that grandchild for your failure.

I'd use the feedback on here to take a real hard look at yourself and perhaps chose not to weaponise your inheritance to cause further family issues beyond the grave.

Agree. It's totally possible to have a loving relationship between grandparents/grandchildren even if distance is involved. We lived 250 miles from both sets of grandparents when I was a child but had great relationships with them, seeing them as often as possible (in reality less than once a month). And it went both ways, we'd visit them and they us.

Sadly @Eleganz I suspect @GloriaVictoria will not take your advice on board and I'm not sure would even be capable of the self-reflection.

MhairiLynette · 26/08/2023 12:54

My DH and I lived 400 miles away from his DGM. DGM was born in 1931 and even in November 2019 four months before she died she checked when we were working, booked a flight and visited us and her DDIL. DH DF, DGM DS died in 1983 but DGM was still determined to have a relationship with her DGS. You were the adult not your grandson and it was for you to try and make it work.

OhLookIveChangedMyNameAgain · 26/08/2023 12:54

Saoirse82 · 26/08/2023 11:49

Please be fair.

In my family the fall out from a will was catastrophic. My three lovely cousins, their relationship was fractured forever, so much so that when one suddenly died their relationship was never healed. Its caused ongoing trauma for their children too. You might not be here to witness it but the liklihood is some relationships might not heal or some people might be left devastated. I couldn't fathom doing this.

I think sadly anyone who plans to divide their will similarly to OP actually WANT a family fallout after their death. They are the type who often cause divisions within the family when they are alive then love the thought of leaving a final shot at dividing everyone from the grave.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 26/08/2023 12:57

I agree. Cutting her GS out of the will is a final "fuck you" to the son she doesn't get on with, and the ex-husband who supposedly turned him against her. It's entirely deliberate.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 26/08/2023 12:58

I agree. Cutting her GS out of the will is a final "fuck you" to the son she doesn't get on with, and the ex-husband who supposedly turned him against her. It's entirely deliberate.