Page 11 | Treating grandkids differently in Will

panelf · 25/08/2023 19:42

You sound like a bitch.
Leave equal to all and do not try to control and damage future generations relationships with each other.
And surely if you’re going to be divisive leave more to the child with difficulties to make their life better and don’t favour the already privileged.

sconebone · 25/08/2023 19:50

Take your disabled grandson on holiday now with this precious money and then see if you begrudge paying a carer to accompany him!

crispyeyebrows · 25/08/2023 19:56

How about rebuilding your relationship with your grandson or something. Don't be a miser.

PlacidPenelope · 25/08/2023 19:57

@GloriaVictoria :

Need to rewrite my Will following a recent bereavement.

Could you explain how this recent bereavement has made it necessary to re-write your Will. Does the re-write of your Will change the wishes of where they wanted money to go?

For various reasons I would prefer to leave most of my money to my grandkids rather than my 2 sons. DSs are both in their 50s and my thinking is that the money could be put to better use in giving 20-somethings a helping hand. DSs will get something but not massive amounts.

Fair idea, give the grandchildren a helping hand and still something for your sons. However if you left it all to your sons they could use it for that purpose anyway. You could just split the whole lot equally between sons and grandchildren.

My first problem is that one DGS has learning difficulties and behavioural problems and is living in supported accommodation. He does not work and will probably never be able to live independently. Any money would need to be under the control of a trustee, adding a level of complication, and with no real guarantee that the money would be used wisely. (A holiday would be fine but I object to paying for his carers to accompany him.) Yet it doesn't seem fair to exclude him completely when his sister stands to inherit a nice chunk. Does it seem reasonable to leave him a token amount, say £1000?

You are being totally unreasonable here, either split it evenly and be fair or don't split it at all. A token amount is an absolute insult. It is not in the least complicated to set up a Trust and have it managed. You want to gift your money yet want to attach strings on how it can be used, that is not a gift. Other posters have said what needs to be said about this grandson and the need for carers to enable him to have a holiday, you are just being nasty. Who is to say that the sister would use the money wisely? She could blow it all on frivolity, take her friends away for an all expenses paid holiday - how would that be any different? Or are you going to state what the money can be used on to her?

Secondly, what do you think about not leaving anything at all to a DGS who doesn't seem to want a relationship, to the point of not being invited to his wedding and christenings? We haven't had a falling out (that I'm aware of) just that we have never been close. Lives 40 miles away so I wasn't around when he was younger so we never really got to know each other. Is it spiteful and selfish to exclude him? Sounds like emotional blackmail doesn't it, keep in touch if you want to get anything when I'm gone.

Yes you are being spiteful and selfish and if you do as you propose you will leave a trail of resentment behind you. Either be fair or don't do it at all and leave the whole lot to Charity.

Please be gentle.

Is this request due to who has recently died?

Geppili · 25/08/2023 20:01

Just be fair. Don't leave a legacy of jealousy and anger.

Offyoupoplove · 25/08/2023 20:09

Wow, you won’t leave your grandson money because he is profoundly disabled and needs carers.

Mari9999 · 25/08/2023 20:11

@GloriaVictoria
The grandson who is receiving benefits, may have the benefits adjusted if he receives a sizeable inheritance. I would assume that your assets are available because of some effort or action on your part. You should understand the impact of any action that you might take.

The distribution of your assets should be done in a manner that gives you pleasure in just thinking about it. Which of your children or grandchildren have gone out of their way to bring joy and happiness into your life? You do not owe anyone fairness or parity from the grave .You should let the interactions and experiences that you had with each of your these grandchildren guide your decision making.

wellwellwellx · 25/08/2023 20:21

@GloriaVictoria I am actually shocked that a person old enough to be a grandmother and therefore must be able to appreciate the demands of a carer caring for her supposedly grandchild, (and therefore has also additional benefits of having witnessed some of this care being professionally delivered yourself), is actually this bigoted, simple and stupid. I am really shocked.

RoarRoarBoom · 25/08/2023 20:27

You honestly sound vile.

Wont leave a disabled grandchild anything. Disgusting.

wellwellwellx · 25/08/2023 20:30

It is the first time I have used strong language here. Phew! Really shocked and I thought I had heard and seen it all.

seven201 · 25/08/2023 20:34

At first I thought you were going to say you wanted to leave most of it to the disabled grandchild and I thought that was a great idea that nobody could possibly begrudge. The carer wouldn't be going on a holiday; they'd be at work, without the home comforts there - it would be a hard job!

40 miles is no distance (all 3 of my young dc's grandparents are further than that). It sounds like you just didn't make enough effort when they were little so they don't feel a strong bond.

I think you give it equally or with extra to the disabled grandchild.

ZoeCM · 25/08/2023 20:34

Can't believe you would leave less money to your grandson because he's disabled! I didn't realise this sort of person still exists.

LifeIsJustOneBigWTAF · 25/08/2023 20:44

Your attitude towards your disabled grandchild is absolutely shocking. You're going to effectively exclude them from your will because you don't approve of how the money could be used? That might be fair enough if they were likely to blow it on cocaine and prostitutes, but we're talking about them being able to go on holiday FFS.

Actually, now I've written all that down, I agree with the PP who said 'this can't be real'. Who on earth thinks like this - and then asks others to 'be gentle'? 😂

PlacidPenelope · 25/08/2023 21:02

Actually, now I've written all that down, I agree with the PP who said 'this can't be real'. Who on earth thinks like this - and then asks others to 'be gentle'?

I'm hoping it is not real and just a Friday night wind up. I too initially thought perhaps the OP wanted to leave a larger share to the disabled grand child to make his life easier and more secure and then bam!

ZoeCM · 25/08/2023 21:05

PlacidPenelope · 25/08/2023 21:02

Actually, now I've written all that down, I agree with the PP who said 'this can't be real'. Who on earth thinks like this - and then asks others to 'be gentle'?

I'm hoping it is not real and just a Friday night wind up. I too initially thought perhaps the OP wanted to leave a larger share to the disabled grand child to make his life easier and more secure and then bam!

I thought that, too! When the OP mentioned a disabled grandson, I thought she was going to ask if it was unfair to leave him more than her other grandchildren. Pretty shocked that it's the opposite.

Mari9999 · 25/08/2023 21:19

@GloriaVictoria
Do not listen to these people suggesting that you make some emotional decision regarding your disabled grandson.

If he is receiving benefits tied to his disability and his income, you need to be extremely careful of the guidelines governing asset limitations as relates to continued benefit eligibility.

In the US there are rigid guidelines governing resource level limits allowed for certain types of benefits. This may or may not be the case where you live, but you would want to be certain before you made a decision. It would do him little good to receive some funds tomorrow that would have a negative or disruptive impact on his benefits going forward.

I would imagine that all of the people advocating equal funding among the grandchildren were equally proactive in seeing that all of their children were thoughtful, caring. grandchildren who either visited or stayed in regular touch with their grandparents on an ongoing basis.

No one is entitled to your assets. They should be allocated based upon the mutual loving relationship between you and the child or children.

Grasping over the grave is such distasteful behavior. Rear your children to treat their grandparents with love and regard, and you won't have to worry about inheritance.

DrBricolage · 25/08/2023 22:59

@Mari9999
You can set up a trust to protect a disabled child

TR888 · 26/08/2023 08:44

Surely your disabled child needs it the most? Paying for their care must be incredibly expensive.

Original poster

GloriaVictoria · 26/08/2023 10:45

Mari9999 · 25/08/2023 20:11

@GloriaVictoria
The grandson who is receiving benefits, may have the benefits adjusted if he receives a sizeable inheritance. I would assume that your assets are available because of some effort or action on your part. You should understand the impact of any action that you might take.

The distribution of your assets should be done in a manner that gives you pleasure in just thinking about it. Which of your children or grandchildren have gone out of their way to bring joy and happiness into your life? You do not owe anyone fairness or parity from the grave .You should let the interactions and experiences that you had with each of your these grandchildren guide your decision making.

There's a lot of very judgemental people on this thread who know nothing about my family circumstances. I'm not going to elaborate as it could be potentially outing. But I will say that I have a very poor relationship with one son (his choice, not mine) who is the father of the married grandson, and there was no contact for many years due to my former husband. And 40 miles might not seem much, but it could be halfway round the world if you haven't got transport.

Many people have commented that receiving large sums of money can be a serious issue when state benefits are involved. Any inheritance I leave is not enough to be life changing and I have no desire to complicate things financially for people who already struggle to cope with bureaucracy. Having said that, I will certainly look at the possibility of having a trust set up for my DGS.

I quoted the post from Mari9999 because I think her philosophy of leaving money to people whose company I enjoy is a good one. It's often said you can't choose your family, but why should people expect an inheritance just because they share DNA?

OP posts:

Shinyandnew1 · 26/08/2023 10:48

A holiday would be fine but I object to paying for his carers to accompany him

What do you envisage a holiday would look like for your grandson with additional needs who is unable to live independently, without a carer, @GloriaVictoria ?

nimski · 26/08/2023 10:50

This. That's appalling, surely the child with disabilities needs money more than any of them. You can put very specific requirements in the will.

gotmychristmasmiracle · 26/08/2023 10:51

Knew there was back story was going to say that you either didn't get on with the son or DIL for the grandson you didn't see. As you do t want your son to have it. It's your will, do what you see us fit, you won't be alive for the aftermath. Good luck

nimski · 26/08/2023 10:51

millymoo1202 · 25/08/2023 14:23

You object to paying for the carers to take your disabled grandson on holiday, wow. Maybe leave it all to a charity

This. That's appalling, surely the child with disabilities needs money more than any of them. You can put very specific requirements in the will.

oaktable · 26/08/2023 10:53

Why don't you want to pay for a carer to accompany your grandson on holiday?

gotmychristmasmiracle · 26/08/2023 10:56

Also just for context for the grandson who doesn't contact you. I had a similar thing in my family whereby my dad fell out with my mums dad and they would cross the street and not talk to each other. As the granddaughter I felt that I had to stick by my dad, I was young and didn't really understand what was going on but he made my dad cross so I thought it was best not to get in touch with my grandfather and it's just stuck as life gets busy with uni and marriage and kids it becomes less of a priority. It's a really tricky one as your grandson will have probably felt the same as me from a young age and doesn't know any different.